Soon2BeCatLady

Oh, OKCupid and your match questions..

This is true life folks – I honestly don’t make any of this up.

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[UsernameHere] explained his answer publicly

Oh for the love of… something..

“YUM!!!!.um…i mean… hi….Please. Read my profile. follow directions in about me and then its up to you from there…gorgeous hair!.”

1)   O.M.G,  guys – PLEASE!  Don’t start a message to a girl with “YUM!!!!”   Are you serious?    No.. SERIOUSLY..  Are you serious?

2) Don’t tell me what to do.    You go visit my profile and follow my directions.

Out of curiosity- I did go visit his page because I wanted to know what kind of “directions” he has.      This man is 46 years old.   FORTY-SIX!     His profile says to google a certain phrase and click on the page that says “Do you want to rock?”    Which brings you to:  http://www.angelfire.com/mn3/rockland/

You are 46 years old, and you have an angelfire page that lists your favorite bands and has games?     If I didn’t believe you were 46, which I do – because you started your message with “YUM”..  I would think you were 13.

I might just have to go adopt my first cat.

Honestly – I think we all need to start a charity for stupidity.  There is a whole lot of stupidity going on and we need to find a cure.

I often mention that I have a fake profile out there on POF.    It’s not that the profile is fake – the photo is of me, and the info on it, although minimal,  accurately represents who I am in real life.    I have recently updated this page to actually say that I don’t live where the profile states, and that I blog.   Here..  just read what it says:

“I like artistic and creative things – photography, writing, dancing, theatre, music etc.

Overall, I go where the wind takes me. 

Definitely more of a dog person than a cat person.

My favorite color is purple.

I enjoy blogging.

I frequently have hot dates with the gym.

Still with me? .. I am not in your area. Not even close. I would encourage you not to end up on my blog: http://www.soon2becatlady.com

I often have dance parties by myself. =)”

Guys:   THIS IS NOT A LOT TO READ!!!!

Sooooo…  I get a message from a man who’s username is POFisLAMElol.   (Oh, the irony..)    POFisLAMElol thinks I’m cute, and wonders if it’s okay that I am taller than him.   Sure.      

POFisLAME thinks POF is lame because the girls he dates from there don’t cancel their account, and continue to fish for “better fish” in the sea of plenty.   One could easily argue that to know this-  he also doesn’t delete his profile.   Ahh, double standards..

I think POF is lame because people don’t know how to read.   I told him this.  He  agreed, and let me know that he DOES read profiles.   Can’t put my finger on it- but for some reason, I just don’t know that I believe him.   Maybe because he continues to message me, and keeps asking for my phone number?

If we all just donated even one dollar…

“Hi. What is the most important feature to you (that attracts you)? What is your favorite thing to do in life? What is your favorite thing to do with your partner in life? How do you feel about PDA? Would you consider yourself more old fashioned man of the house or contemporary partner in crime? Are you a romantic at heart? If so, what is your idea of the perfect romantic date? What is your ideal partner? What’s the most embarassing thing that has ever happened to you?

Ryan”

Dear Ryan,

I am writing your response on here instead of back on POF – mainly because I just updated my profile there (my fake profile) to let you know that I am actually not in your area.. so message at your own risk.  =)

You ask a lot of questions.

The most important feature to me on someone is a six pack.

My favorite thing to do in life?  I really enjoy roofing.   Favorite thing to do in life with my partner?   Skydive.

PDA –  Yes please.   Please strip me down at the mall.

I don’t consider myself a man of the house – mainly because I am not a man.

There are no romantics left in the world.

My ideal partner lives at home in his mom’s basement,  plays video games and lets me bring the beer and sandwiches.   Would you fit that bill?

My air guitar broke during a concert once… that was super embarrassing.

Write back if interested!

-The Soon 2 Be Cat Lady

A good online dating message, in my opinion,  will have the following:

1)  An indication that the sender has read my profile.    Commenting on one of my interests, or asking a question based on what I wrote.

2)  A question of some sort that makes me want to respond to this message.  (“How are you?” and “Wanna chat?”  do NOT qualify.)

3)  Is not pig-like in nature.

4) Has proper spelling and grammar.. (I can handle a typo – but it’s very apparent when the person doesn’t know that spell check exists.)

5) It will not make me do the all the work.   I.E.  “Tell me about yourself.”   or “Ask me a question.”

6)  Not a requirement, but sometimes nice to throw in-  some sort of compliment.    Just not overly cheesy.

The following is NOT a good message:

“wow you’re really beautiful wanna chat? I’m so bored it sucks”

He gets kudos for proper usage of “you’re”.. but that’s about it.   What a back-handed compliment too.   I have nothing better to do, so I will talk to you since you are “really beautiful.”      ….Lucky me??       And messages like this that include the “I’m just bored”  bit happen a LOT.   It doesn’t make me want to talk to you.

“Hey I was thinking of robbing a bank tonight and I need a getaway driver. The plan is to rob the bank, flee the cops, go to the lake, drive the car off a parking garage into the lake, and fake our own deaths. Are you in?

P.S. Don’t worry we will have SCUBA tanks in the trunk. Also you might want to bring some snacks as we will probably get hungry. Just don’t bring any egg salad sandwiches because they smell like farts…so gross!”

Yeah…  I actually received this message…  I really don’t know what to think of it..  I mean, I think I kinda get it.. but at the same time, I really don’t.

It’s unique – I’ll give him that..

I’m.. just at a loss for words..  What is someone supposed to respond to this?  I mean, obviously he is joking about robbing a bank.  (Or at least I hope he is, this “plan” is really flawed.)   But.. the whole bring snacks but not sandwiches that smell like farts?

I will never understand men..

O.M.G.

“Hi, I’m zach, I’m 23, and have a small penis. what’s up!?!”

#$(*@#(*$(!#$*&&!(#*^&@)!(@#$

No!!!  Why are you telling me this?!      Honestly… WHY?!    Is that really supposed to make someone respond to you?

I would like to remind you all that if he had told me how large his schlong was, I would also be appalled by this.   But, really?    If you are going to try to sell yourself to someone,  that is what you are going with?

My bets are that is what he uses to get a response – any response – from a female.   Unless he is absolutely stupid, and I guess that wouldn’t surprise me either.

I responded to him the best way I knew how:

“Hello Zach.   You are too young for me.”    

..because he is..  I am an age snob – and he is obviously immature.

He never responded…  I guess he just wanted me to know about his small penis?

After a conversation that was quite short but lasted over the span of a day and a half,  I have finally pissed off a dude enough to have him BLOCK me on the dating website.   ..and it was not as difficult as one could imagine.

Now, keep in mind:  this was on the page where I move around frequently – and according to that profile, I currently reside in Orlando, Florida.

This gentleman is 31, and has his main photo of himself with his shirt off.    You will soon see why I asked this – but I did ask my Twitter followers if they give the time of day to a dude online with a no-shirt picture – and got mixed responses..  But, there are DEFINITELY people against it.

Anyways:

“lets hang out tonight ;)”     (Yes – this was the FIRST time I have heard from this guy)

“Okay.”

“i just got this now,,, haha where are you?”

I told him I am in the state in which I currently reside- which, for the record – is NOT Florida, and not close to Florida.

“haha i thought you were by me”

“Nope.  Come on up!”

“haha it wouldnt make sense, i have really hot chicks here that would only cost me a hundred to do the whole things, considering the plane ticket to go up there and all the uncertainty it wouldnt make sense,,, you can understand that,,, but your always welcome to come here haha”

My response is where I was trying to help a guy out…

“I am not sure the luck you have on this site,  but I know a lot of girls have an unspoken rule against dating guys who have their shirt off in their profile picture.”

“you mean thats your rule??? haha your retarded, im actually went on 5 dates this week off here and god laid twice, so you have no idea what your talking about it really makes me laugh”

“I didn’t say that was MY rule.   Additionally, I would like to mention that if you want to tell someone that you think they are retarded, you may want to use proper grammar and say “YOU’RE retarded”.. because otherwise, well – you kind of look like the retarded one.”

Ahh..   a lesson in grammar for all..

“haha wow your so smart but yet you dont have a pot to piss in little girl,,, you are full of all kinds of pent up anger and rage you have major issues,,, i dont care about you in anyway shape or form, or where your from or what you mean nothing to me, your just another trashy girl thats going to end up knocked up and being a single mom and looking for a baby daddy.”

I couldn’t respond – because from that moment I was blocked..

I find it funny that he thinks I am the one with the anger issues..  and that additionally I am going to end up preggo and alone..  but, whatever – it made me laugh..

Do you think me telling him that he looked like the “retarded” one is what set him off the edge?

OKCupid has a portion of your profile that says “You should message me if..”     Most people have “rules” in this section, as I once did.  Others just basically say “You like what you have read, and you yourself are awesome.”

While browsing,  I came across a person who said the following in his “You should message me if..“:

“You can solve this problem: (4(5+3))+8 = ?

Wrong answers will be ignored because intelligence is the sexiest thing about a woman ;-)”

First and foremost,  I came across it because it was on the “recently updated” list.   The word intelligence was italicized, meaning that it was what was changed.  So, I am pretty sure beforehand, he had spelled intelligence wrong.

I would also like to point out that I most certainly can solve this math problem, but refused to, considering myself exempt as I wasn’t actually interested in this guy.

I did, however, message him.    I asked why being able to solve a math problem would automatically make someone intelligent in his eyes.   Can people not be intelligent in other ways?

He viewed my profile – but did not respond.   I sent him another message that basically said “Seriously.. I want to know.”    And, still no dice.

So – we will never know.  But, brush up on your math skills if you want to find a “keeper.”  😉

So, at 10:50PM on a Tuesday night, I get this lovely message:

“So I was reading through your profile and checking out your pictures. You seem like a cool person to meet. Would you like to hook up tonight? So do you have any big plans coming up for this winter?

By the way,I’m brian. I’m not a big fan of sending 11tty billion messages back and forth. So,would you like to hook up tonight? If it doesn’t work out then either one of us can feel free to make up an excuse like, “Oh,I just remembered! I have to go home and floss my dog. Nice meeting you, but I’ve got to go!” :-)”

Because he essentially already gave me an excuse out, I responded:

“I have to floss my dog.”

Seriously, dudes:  You need to stop soliciting girls for sex on the internet.   I would guess the majority of us are not attempting online dating for a booty call – maybe I am wrong.    Seriously-  it’s a Tuesday night.. don’t you work tomorrow?