Sometimes You Need to Fight Fire With Fire

22 Mar

bridezilla-wedding-stress

I apologize that this is a long one, (That’s what he said.)   but after reading it aloud to some friends,  I am convinced it needs to be shared.  I am not normally in the market to mess with people..  but, sometimes you need to fight crazy with crazier… You’ll see.

This is easily one of my top ten posts on this blog, if not top five.  You’d really be doing yourself a disservice if you don’t click to read more!

“Hi there beautiful blue eyed girl xoxo 🙂 I really would LOVE to get to know you!  You’re super cute and you seem very nice, smart and friendly as well 🙂 So tell me, what exactly are you looking for on this website?”

Now,  I normally don’t respond to something that could have easily been copied and pasted..  and for the record, I didn’t really find this guy attractive, but I am trying to be a little more lenient on the matter, because online dating is a tough world out there..

“New friends to start, and if a relationship develops, then great.”

“I’m pretty much looking for the same thing as you are 🙂  That’s why I want you to know that I’m actually a very trustworthy/decent/respectful/sweet guy 🙂 (Guys – for the zillionth time, if you have to tell someone you are these things.. you’re not.)  So you wouldn’t need to worry about me ever cheating on you or even having dull moments with me if you were to give me the amazing chance to start dating you 🙂  I’m sure we could learn tons from each other over time.  And I’m sorry if I’m coming on too strong with this message.  (Ya think!?) It’s just that this is only way that I have to communicate with girls and express my true feelings toward them.  Like I’m super shy (Wait.. what?) so I never approach/strike up conversations with any girl in public/social settings. So that’s why my life has always sucked in the love department. Like I literally lost my virginity when I was 25 and it was to my ex. And she was the one who hit on me so I basically just got lucky. (Pun intended?) This is also the reason why I allowed her to yell at me, belittle me and treat me like crap while she and I were together.  I just didn’t want to risk losing the whole girlfriend experience which was amazing! But anyways, I also want you to know that I do believe that if you and I started texting, that you will like me a lot more because I’m actually a very nice/friendly/funny guy. You would have to take a little bit of a leap of faith in me (understatement.) and trust that I’m actually someone worth spending your time getting to know better 🙂  So tell me, beautiful girl, how long have you been single/using this website for? xoxo 🙂

I elected not to respond to this, which I hope are for obvious reasons.   24 hours later, he wrote again:

“I personally have been single for 15 months now after having a bad break up with my ex on January, 2013. She was the one who hit on me so I was able to date her from January 2012 until January 2013 when I lived in [Omitted.]  I even asked her to marry me but she declined because she wanted a guy with a house, a car and a job.  So my ex didn’t like the fact that I was not financially independent but I kept telling her hat I could work after we got married because I would automatically become a US citizen (That is not how that works, pal.) but she didn’t want to take a risk with me and I ended up coming back to my home country in January of 2013.  6 months later I moved to [State Omitted] but as it turns out I didn’t like it over in [State Omitted] so that’s why I came back to [State Omitted] again a couple months ago.So right now I just wish I could find a gorgeous girl as attractive and sexy as yourself that would steal my heart and create new and wonderful experiences with me in the near future 🙂 xoxo 🙂 In other words, (Oh Buddy.. no other words are necessary..) I’m looking for a girl I can date and spend a lot of quality time with but if you’re just interested in being friends with me that would work for me too since I don’t know anyone here at the moment  :)”

Once again, for what I hope are obvious reasons, I did not respond to this.  (In fact, I didn’t even read it until later.)  The next day,  I got another message, more ridiculous than the last:

“I feel the need to come clean about something though 🙂  I want you to know that I would really love to date you!  You are by far the cutest blue eyed girl I have ever seen in my entire life and I’m sure you believe me because you’ve looked at yourself in the mirror countless of times 🙂 xoxo You’re so cute that I would love to have a monogamous relationship with you! (Lucky me?)  Even though I’ve only had one girlfriend in my entire life, I still prefer monogamy all the way 🙂  Specially if I’m with a blue eyed girl as gorgeous looking, smart, social and honest as yourself 🙂 And don’t worry about me being too inexperienced in the love department because I can honestly tell you that I would genuinely love to be in between your legs 24/7, eating you out, smelling you, licking you and drinking all your girly juice!  (*shudders* He makes it sound so romantic..) That’s how attractive you really are!  I would even go as far (wait for it..) as to stick my tongue in your butt hole and lick it hardcore too 🙂  As you can tell I’m a horn ball hehe 🙂 Since I haven’t had much sex in my life due to my social shyness/anxiety (again.. what?) I am always in desperate need to have some girly private parts in my mouth 🙂 Obviously if you gave me the chance to eat yours, you’d be extremely satisfied with my job because I’ll pretty much make a home in your private areas!  By the way, just because I said on my profile that I was shy when approaching/striking up conversations with girls, doesn’t mean that I’m shy in bed.  If anything, I’m actually an “extraordinarily amazing lover” because I’m in such a desperate need to taste and drink lots of girly juice. So when I’m finally able to get some, I’ll go for it with tremendous amounts of PASSION AND LUST!!!! 🙂  In other words, (again.. not necessary..) you’re actually going to LOOOOOOOVE having me in between your legs, smelling you, eating you out and licking your butt hole all at the same time xoxo 🙂 So what do you say? Would you like to be my girlfriend? xoxo :)”

This pretty much rendered me speechless..  but, it was time to respond, and get him to stop messaging me.

“I don’t want to be just your girlfriend.  Let’s get married.”

“Hahahaha 🙂 You’re too funny! But let’s do it 🙂  I would certainly get married to a girl as pretty as yourself 🙂  There’s no better way of waking up every day than having a gorgeous girl by your side every morning 🙂  So if you’re down for it, I am too hehe 🙂  I still believe we should get to know each other and hang out in real life first before we make any further decisions/plans xoxo :)”

“I don’t think that’s necessary.  I talked to my pastor and he can marry us tomorrow before church.”

“Are you serious?  Why would you want to marry someone you don’t even know?”  (Really, dude?)

“Of course I’m serious.  If you are serious about licking my butt hole, I need it to be okay with Jesus.  And that’s if we get married.   I booked us for 9AM.”

“Sorry but I’m not marrying you tomorrow.  I need to hang out with you first and see if you and I get along pretty well.  I’m definitely OK with licking your butt hole and eating your female privates, but I’m just not OK with marrying someone I haven’t even met in real life”   (What?  No xoxo?)

“You are weird.”

I gave him a little while before writing again:

“I just talked to Pastor.  He wants to meet you first anyway.  So we should go to church at 11AM, and he said if all goes well, he can marry us at 2PM.  Does that work for you?”

“The only reason why I’d like to give you oral pleasure aside form the fact that you’re pretty is because I’m very lonely, horny, depressed and miserable all the time.  (Aha!  Truth comes out..) So it would be completely wrong for you to assume that I’m some kind of perve.  I’m just sexually frustrated/starved that’s all.  Just to give you an example of how pathetic my love life really is, I went to the mall last weekend and it made me extremely sad noticing how many beautiful girls were holding hands with guys that looked pretty young and imature for them.  I honestly don’t know why there is not a single girl out there willing to date me!  (..I have some ideas..)  It really sucks and this is the very reason why I’m so sexually frustrated.  I also have this washed up roommate who is a total druggy/alcoholic douchebag that still manages to bring 3 different girls to his room at least twice a week each.  Meanwhile, I find the need to use these stupid websites that are really worthless because I really haven’t met anyone in real life from here yet.  So I have no clue why life has to be so freaking unfair. :(“

“I found a GORGEOUS dress!!!!!!!  So does church at 11AM work for you tomorrow and then if you like me, you can see the dress at 2?”

I think I broke him at that point..  I didn’t hear back.  So.. a few hours later:

“Pastor wants to know if you’re coming tomorrow?”

“No.”

“That’s really mean!!!!!  I spent all day preparing for tomorrow, and now you’re bailing!?”

“I said I wanted to meet you and hang out with you way before getting married to you”

“Pretty sure I have a screen shot that says otherwise.”

“You’re literally insane.”

“I think YOU’RE insane for wanting pre-martial butt lickage.”

He hasn’t responded, and I have no intent to bother him anymore.  But, hopefully this just helps prove my theory that nothing ever good (aside from blog-hilarity, of course) comes from sending or responding to a form letter.

 

20 Responses to “Sometimes You Need to Fight Fire With Fire”

  1. tinam81 March 16, 2014 at 7:26 pm #

    This was the best thing I read today. Hilarious.

    Like

  2. genderenvoy March 16, 2014 at 8:11 pm #

    ““Of course I’m serious. If you are serious about licking my butt hole, I need it to be okay with Jesus. And that’s if we get married. I booked us for 9AM.”
    LOL

    Like

  3. Chin Up, Chest High! March 16, 2014 at 8:55 pm #

    People like that never expect to be played (and beaten) at their own game. This has been a very amusing experiences 🙂

    Like

  4. Dating Fresh March 16, 2014 at 9:57 pm #

    Wow.

    Like

  5. Carol Balawyder March 16, 2014 at 10:12 pm #

    Can you hear me clapping:) This was great…I’m still laughing.

    Like

  6. meowlife March 16, 2014 at 11:59 pm #

    I am actually rolling on the floor crying, this was EPIC!

    Like

  7. meowlife March 16, 2014 at 11:59 pm #

    Reblogged this on meowcitylife and commented:
    Stay away from dating sites kids!

    Like

  8. John Callaghan March 17, 2014 at 12:59 am #

    That was the funniest thing I have read in a very long time. I mean really, really, funny.

    Like

  9. Belle Arwood March 18, 2014 at 7:15 am #

    Goodness!!! Can’t stop laughing. I see epic stuffs like this often. Shows how dangerous online dating sites can be. One must be extremely careful in choosing sites, especially when it comes to professional matchmaking service sites as some of them could even be scam! I loved the way you handled it..”I found a gorgeous dress”!! hahaha!

    Like

  10. surgeryattiffanys March 18, 2014 at 12:21 pm #

    Really love this – so very very fun

    Like

  11. dimebone March 18, 2014 at 12:32 pm #

    Ha ha good stuff. I am reminded of those scam-baiting sites for Nigerian “barristers” where they string those guys along to meet them in Tunisia or send a self-pic dressed as a chicken. It is great fun. I think you should start one for dating.

    Like

  12. DonJon March 21, 2014 at 7:57 pm #

    Wow that was great read! I lost it at the butthole licking comment XD!!! Not all dating sites are filled with creeps though. Some websites are very selective in who gets to join.

    Like

  13. Forty Two (@Nutella_Vodka) March 25, 2014 at 2:23 am #

    With dudes like this, I should be able to just walk into a bar smelling like fresh dog shit and women should run to me for protection from weirdos like this. I bet he carries chloroform in a flask.

    Like

  14. unchainedsoul March 26, 2014 at 12:26 am #

    LOL!!!!! I need it to be ok with Jesus before you lick my butthole. EPIC. That was the funniest thing I have read all day.

    Like

  15. Christopher March 29, 2014 at 12:50 pm #

    That just renewed my faith in my self professed painful first inquiries in the online dating world.

    Like

  16. Emily May 4, 2014 at 12:14 am #

    Wow, that is worrying. Tho, i Just got told by a guy on a site that I could Peddle his ears any time. Took me a minute to get what he meant but when I did I applauded
    him on his creativeness and said no. God, men are strange sometimes.

    Like

  17. Julie Cacher March 24, 2015 at 5:44 am #

    Great responses! Although, it does shine a light on all the nutballs out there. Makes me cringe a little.

    Like

  18. Andrea April 14, 2015 at 7:31 pm #

    So I’ve been thinking about creating a blog about my personal online dating experiences and decided to go around and check out some other blogs, I have to say this article was amazing!! I absolutely loved it, keep up the good work, you’re definitely an inspiration. Sharing this with all the people I know 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  19. darkyetlovely39 July 8, 2015 at 11:56 pm #

    Oh. My. GOSH. This was the funniest thing I’ve read in a LONG time! What the hell, lol!

    Like

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Extremely Kinky | Online dating - Why I'll soon be a crazy cat lady - June 27, 2014

    […] And perhaps extremely stupid, as well, as he proceeded to ask if I would do things to him with a strap-on.  (I’ll be the first to admit I’m probably not the kinkiest person on the planet… but.. is that really an “extremely kinky” request?   I mean, I’ve definitely had weirder requests.) […]

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