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Scaring Them Straight!

20 Oct

prisonmike

As a woman on the internet, I get a lot of messages that are very complimentary towards me.  Sometimes I “have an awesome profile” and other times I’m “gorgeous.”  I always feel it necessary to send, at very least, a thank you.  It’s nice when someone goes out of their way to compliment you.

“You’re gorgeous”

“Aww, thank you!”

“You’re welcome. :-)”

 

We very well could have ended our conversation here.  That was certainly my intent.  But, something inspired him to write again:

“I wish I could bury my face between your legs”

 

WHY DO MEN FIND THIS ACCEPTABLE TO SEND TO A WOMAN!?!?!?!?  I assume the mindset is “I’d love it if a woman told me she wanted to spend some time between my legs.”   Most of us females don’t find that a turn-on from a complete stranger.  (Or even not complete strangers.)  I’m going to encourage you NOT to send that type of message to someone on the internet.

I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to this.  I could have ignored it, but then the blog wouldn’t be as entertaining.

“I have a court order against using men’s heads as a thigh master.  I’m NOT going back to prison!”

“Lmao”

“Love the humor though”

 

All I can think of now is Prison Mike, from “The Office.”

ALWAYS Use Protection!

7 Apr

Today I present to you, my dear reader, a fun CatLady fact. On a random whim six months ago, I went to the optometrist. I hadn’t had my “Disney Eyes” checked since grade school, and was about to sign up for insurance and wondered if I should purchase vision coverage. (Oh Adulthood, you’re so fun!) I assumed I still had perfect vision, but when I was asked to read the letters on the wall with my left eye – my soul was crushed. I am now the proud owner of way more pairs of nerdy glasses than I’d ever be willing to admit. (Most women like shoes. I hate shoes. But give me ALL OF THE NERDY GLASSES!) This is necessary information for today’s online dating horror story. By the way, this post is NC-17.

As much as I would like to, I just can’t take Tinder seriously.

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Cougar Town

26 Feb

You want to know the absolute BEST way for a young woman of only 31 years to start her day?

By getting THIS online dating message:

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Ashley Madison Hack

21 Aug

AshMadAffair

Gentlemen of the world, I really hope that statistic isn’t true.  (And we know that the “100% Secure – Completely Anonymous” part is now B.S.)

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, by now you probably know that AshleyMadison.com, the website that encourages “Life is short. Have an affair.” was hacked and millions of user’s information has been leaked to the world wide web.

I wanted to share some words, thoughts, and some rules, for this whole ordeal..

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Sometimes You Need to Fight Fire With Fire

22 Mar

bridezilla-wedding-stress

I apologize that this is a long one, (That’s what he said.)   but after reading it aloud to some friends,  I am convinced it needs to be shared.  I am not normally in the market to mess with people..  but, sometimes you need to fight crazy with crazier… You’ll see.

This is easily one of my top ten posts on this blog, if not top five.  You’d really be doing yourself a disservice if you don’t click to read more!

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I Have No Time For You.

3 Dec

“Hi

I am going to be very honest.

I am doing a crazy finance internship at the moment, so i don’t have the time to go on dates  (or capitalize all of my ‘I’s), but I am attracted to you.

I love seeing a woman orgasm, and I want to see it on your face.  It makes me feel great and it is just really beautiful.

I know women need more time to get turn on than men do, so I am sorry i don’t have more of my time to give you. 

I love and respect women (do you?!) and I don’t judge them for enjoying sex as much or more than men. (My goodness, how kind!)

If you ever want my company just text me.  (Okay.. number?) I know there is a time each month when you cannot stop thinking about your need to be filled, and wished you had an attractive man to take care of you. (This guy= MIND READER.)  We can meet at your place, talk and flirt for some time and then have sex or not, depending on how you feel.  If you want to jump me right away I will still make you wait, that’s just more exciting for me. (But you love and respect women?)  We can also meet near your place to talk first if that makes you more comfortable.  (Ah.. there’s that respect he was talking about!)

If the chemistry between us is good and you want to see me again or get into a relationship, I am very open to the idea.  (“Keep in mind, I have no time for this.”??)  The more I get to know and like a girl, the more I enjoy making love to her and giving her orgasms.

Finally, you have no reason to be shy about the whole thing.  You are really not the first girl who wants to meet me after this message 🙂 (I’ll bet you twenty dollars on that one, my friend..)

Sexual UserNames

27 Nov

I think we need to start a new online dating rule:   If your user name is something disgusting – you aren’t allowed to get mad if you get called out on it.

I’m not going to tell you what his username was, but I’d love to hear your guesses in the comments!

“if you are even half as sweet as you are gorgeous i would feel lucky to get to know you and go out with you”

“Aww.. Well, this may indicate my sweetness level:  I’m pretty disturbed by your user name.”

“I’m way more than a name”

“Right.  But you likely chose the name, which is the questionable part.”

“I did. and I’m not ashamed of it at all.”

“I wasn’t suggesting you had to be.  I’m just saying I’m disturbed by it.”

“Lmao that’s too fucking funny. You are so pathetic.  grow up lil kid”

“Now I’m too sweet.. go figure.”

“Every woman claims they are disturbed by it. But I’m sure its not disturbing when your cumming all over a guys face”

“Hmm.. I guess I wouldn’t know.”

“Really.  Is it something you don’t wanna try?  Obviously its ok if that’s the case.  just wondering.”

“It doesn’t sound appealing, but that’s probably because I’m a ‘lil kid’.”

“I was an asshole to say that.”

Kudos to him for trying to right the wrong, I guess.  Seriously, though, guys:  You don’t need to use something sexual as your user name, and you shouldn’t! Or at least if you do – be understanding that maybe not everyone is into the same kink you are.

Anyone have any cats to send me?

Dirty Old Man

5 Aug

I’ve grown to expect gross messages from young hornballs, but it still boggles my mind when someone who could easily be my father based on age sends something disgusting..   Aren’t we supposed to mature with age?

Please guys, strive not to be the dirty old pervert.

 

“Do you ever just want to get laid good for a day or two?”

“Aren’t you old enough to now better than to ask such a thing to a lady?”

For those of you that didn’t catch that – my response should have indicated that I wasn’t amused and the conversation shouldn’t continue.

“You look like a girl that would like a good wild fuck.”

I understand that not many of you know who I am, or what I look like – but I assure you, I don’t come across that way at all – online or in the real life.

“Well, Pops.. Looks can be deceiving.”

“You’re awfully picky for a fat girl”

Haha!  Bash in a male’s ego and regardless of age, he’ll try to offend you by calling you fat.

“But only one of us really has a shot at getting laid by a stranger from the internet.. And spoiler alert:  It’s not you.”

“It ain’t you either weirdo”

“Lucky for me, that’s not what I’m looking for.   Anything else you care to try to offend me with?”

“Look at you wash your face little [conservative/liberal] piglet”
(In reference to [conservative/liberal] — Pick your favorite – I’m not getting into it on here..  This blog is politically neutral.)

“Well, that’s probably the most offensive so far, as not one fat ounce of me is [conservative/liberal].   Have a good rest of your life, Sir.”

 

Gentlemen – if nothing else, learn how to respect the “fairer” sex.  You’ll have much better luck all around.

 

 

Boob Pockets

22 Apr

Sometimes online dating messages aren’t creepy at all..  but this is NOT one of those times:

“I love you so much I want to take you skin and make it into a jacket.  Ps I would turn your boobs backwards and the would be really big pockets imagine the stuff I could fit into thos puppies!!!!!”

Cats.. I’m going to die alone with lots and lots of cats.

 

What’s YOUR Kink?

29 Jun

It’s funny – when I was 22, I thought 28 was ridiculously old.   Now that I am 28, I realize it’s not as old as I thought – but I do now view 22 year olds as cute little puppies.   That being said, a cute little puppy sent me an IM on good ol’ OKCupid the other day.

“may I say, you are gorgeous”

“Thank you, I appreciate that.”

“Just realized…I seem to be quite a bit young for you”

“Yeah, little bit.”

“you seem pretty open minded though”

“am I correct?”

“About some things, sure.”   (About considering dating a 22 year old, not really.)

“can i ask 2 things without explaination?”

“Sure.”  

“1. do you need to pee? even just a little urge? be hinest”

“No.”

“grr…”   (Aww… aren’t puppies cute when they growl?)

“2. when did you go last?”

“An hour and a half ago.”

“how open minded do you feel tonight? and do you find me attractive?”

“I find you to look 14 years old.”   (In other words, cute in a little puppy sort of way.)

“i want to ask”

“but im afraid youll judge and run away”

“Whatever.”

“would you be willing to fill your bladder to its max and hold it while we talk?”

“No.”

“see? sorry i’ll go now”

“That’s not judging or running away.. that’s me saying no.”

“i knoe but its kind of judging”

“because its not that you CANT”

“you think its weird and dont want to”

“It’s because I don’t want to.  Here’s the nice thing about life- you get to choose what you want to do.”   (He must have been one of those spoiled rotten children who got everything he ever asked for..)

“look”

“we are two strangers”

“this is a one time deal that no one needs to know about”

“LOL. I am not worried about people knowing.”   (Am I EVER not worried about people knowing!)  “I don’t believe there is anything in it for me to fill and hold my bladder. That doesn’t sound fun to me.”

“then what is YOUR kink?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“fine i concede. i need to… ‘go’.”

“and i cant wait oo much longer”

“sorry for suggesting”   (Perhaps he was more sorry for wasting his own time.)

“I don’t believe the intent of OKCupid is so you can message girls odd requests so you can take care of special time.”

“says the girl with the s,all bladder and the closed mind”

“I only have a small bladder at work.”  (True story..)

“actually, lets not say the b word right now”

“Oh for fucks sake.. Are we done now?”

“apparently”

See.. just like a little puppy… cute until he starts humping your leg.