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It Gets Worse?!!?!?

2 Mar

Believe it or not, online dating has just gotten suckier.   While I am pleased to pieces that a reader shared the following with me, I am also absolutely disgusted about it.

Guys – Did you know that there is a website out there that you can pay them money to send out your online dating form letter for you?  And that they will do it in bulk?   Worse yet, do you know this company is called “Spam Her Clam”?

This website (which I am NOT going to link to, because I do not for even half a second endorse this..)  argues that basically, the only way to get a response to an online dating message you send out is if she is having  a good hair day and her temperature is at a very specific number the millisecond she opens your message and sees your beaming face.  (Well.. okay they say “on a number of random factors that don’t make sense to even her”.. or something like that.)

They say that online dating is a numbers game.   I’ve heard that before.   So, “if you want some clam, you have to spam.”    I really hope this pisses you off as much as it does me.   If you are looking for a relationship – Do NOT use this service.  If you are not looking for a relationship, and merely looking to get some “clam”  (super offensive, by the way..)   there is a great website called AdultFriendFinder.     Most girls on OKCupid, or Match, or EHarmony are NOT looking for a one-night stand or friends with benefits.

I assure you, any girl that finds out you paid Spam Her Clam to message her for you, will be pissed when she finds out.   Make an effort that’s not monetary, that won’t make her self worth fly out the window.   And, now, be extra careful of form letters.

I guess I’m not surprised something like this exists, but I’m certainly saddened.

What Time Is It?

20 Feb

I don’t know about the rest of you – but lately the men of the online meat market have decided that anytime between midnight and 3am is an acceptable time to be sending me a message.

These messages are nothing exciting, just basic form letters for the most part.  So, why am I telling you this?    I am telling you this because if you are one of my male readers, I would like to think you come here as a “What not to do” guide to online dating.

DO NOT SEND A FIRST MESSAGE TO SOMEONE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF MIDNIGHT AND FIVE AM!!

Are there exceptions?  Yes.  Pretty much the only one being if you work a night shift, and you put that in your message.   But otherwise, don’t do it.

Personally, I have the OKCupid app on my phone, and my phone makes a noise when you send me your fan mail.   This wakes me up, and unless you and I have been messaging back and forth, or your message is brilliant, it pisses me off.   If you are a respectable human being,  you shouldn’t be sending a message that late/early.   Save her to your favorites, and message her in the morning.   This will make it seem like you aren’t just looking for a piece of ass.

And, per the usual,  ditch the form letter.

Shallow

15 Feb

“but of course, i knew you’d be shallow.  that’s alright. shallow women prevent overpopulation. so nice work! *pats you on the shoulder* ^.^”

Apparently I did some imaginary thing to offend this guy..

However, I am confused as to how shallow women prevent overpopulation.  I would think shallow women find the cream of the crop attractive males and have many beautiful babies, no?

Any thoughts on this one?

Make It Stop!!!

12 Feb

Men of the world..  I beg you, PLEASE stop sending messages such as these:

“ohhhh heavenly blessed beauty, i would drag my balls through 1 million miles of broken glass across the sahara desert with rosie odonnell’s queef as my only air supply just to get a whiff of your panties after they had been donated to a thrift store and used as a cum rag by a HIV positive homeless man”

All of it.. just stop.  It’s not funny,  it’s so gross.  So, so gross.

For real, though..  I have seen several messages along similar lines..  Someone explain to me why the sender sends these things.

How to Win Over The Ladies With Your OKCupid Profile

10 Feb

I warn you in advance – the title of this blog entry is intended to be sarcastic.

 

“My self-summary:

I do whatever the fuck I want. Suck my dick.”

 

..And that’s it, by the way.   Nothing else.

I understand if you want to join OKCupid and be a troll..  fine.  Do it.   But – don’t attach your face to something like this – because as YOUR luck will have it,  I (or any girl, for that matter..) will probably meet you some day when I am out and about, recognize your face, and totally think you’re an asshole, when you may be a nice guy.

Seriously, a little effort never killed anybody.    If you aren’t looking for anything, leave the profile blank.   According to OKCupid Moderation – blank profiles are allowed, as long as the profile doesn’t break other rules (such as a celeb photo, etc.)

I am finding it hard to believe there are any decent guys left.

Procrastination At It’s Finest?

5 Feb

“Hi there!
Ok so I’m looking for a gorgeous fun date like you to go to a kick ass valentine party.
The entire evening will be on me. Just haven’t been in the dating scene for a while and didn’t think abt it till the last minute.

Tell me your email address so I can send you my pics.

Thanks”

 

As we all know,  this has scam written all over it.  (If they ask for your e-mail out of the gate –  it’s bad news!)    But let’s pretend for a moment that it’s not, shall we?

Single’s Awareness Day is 10 days away…  how on earth this creature thinks he is planning for “last minute” is beyond me.     Now, I understand in the dating world – YES – you need to plan far in advance for reservations on good ol’ St. Valentine’s Day.   However –  a party?  Not so much.   If you’re slated to bring a date to some party –  you could procrastinate until literally the night of.

That being said:  Gentlemen.. I am still available!

..Really makes me wonder how many days is “planning in advance.”

Don’t Message Me If..

1 Feb

First and foremost.. your lists of “Don’t Message Me If..”  are pointless, because it is not going to stop someone from messaging you.   This is mainly because people don’t read.

But.. I found a funny “Don’t Message Me If..”   that I felt needed sharing:

 

“DO NOT MESSAGE ME if you are a stripper, bartender, aspiring “actress”, slutty Virgo OR if you have implants….it has never worked out.”

 

…Poor slutty Virgos…  haha.

Thanks For Sharing?

31 Jan

Not an ideal first online dating message:

“i’m going to fucking cum in my hand and eat it”

 

1)  That is far too much information to give to a stranger.

2)  Gross.

 

Is me just wanting someone attractive, who’s not a pig, who just gets me too much to ask for?

Hear Me Out..

24 Jan

I must start by telling you, and emphasizing that this in which you are about to read, is an opinion piece.  It is quite alright if you disagree, and I fully anticipate I am going to gain some admiration, as well as piss a few of you off.   Just breathe and hear me out.

I used to tell you, and even blogged about kids being a personal deal-breaker of mine… but I have slightly changed my viewpoint on the matter.   I think if you are someone (male or female) that wants kids of your own one day..  kids are NOT a deal-breaker.   Allow me to explain..

Those of us who want kids someday, yet claim kids to be a deal-breaker, don’t realize that it’s really something else that’s the deal-breaker.  (Baby Mama Drama, the guy knocked the mom up and left,  not having a social life because of 100% parent duty, etc.)

I have decided that IF YOU ARE A PARENT,  YOU SHOULD NOT LIST ON YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE THAT YOU HAVE KIDS.  Again.. hear me out.

1)  If someone approaches you at a bar, or while you’re out at some social event and you’re flirting and having a good time, you don’t bring up that you have kids.    You don’t hear people telling strangers on the street that they have children.  Why should online be any different?

2) If you feel obligated to tell me that you have kids,  I feel obligated to tell you that I don’t know if I see myself in a long-term relationship with someone with kids.   Why the fuck are we talking about long-term in a first online dating message?!   Let’s be honest.. we may not get past, or even TO date one.

3)  I don’t feel it’s necessary to bring up offspring until date 3, at the earliest.   You need to hook the girl first, and then break the news.  She might be shocked, it might take her a couple days.. but if she’s truly into you.. she’ll get over it.   (Same goes for divorce.. don’t need to know.)

And really –  no one should be meeting each other’s kids until things are exclusive and serious… ruling out “I don’t want to fall in love with your kid and then never get to see them again.”

So – why the change in heart?  Because my dear friend, #31, is back on the market.  He is a catch, and he continuously immediately gets turned down because he has fathered a child.   To those females out there that “don’t want kids in their life right now”:  Are you telling me if your absolute dream guy came along, and was amazing and perfect (I know.. they don’t exist.. but humor me) and wanted to give you the world..  you would turn him away if you found out he had a kid, even if it meant you were going to end up alone with cats, or settling?   Are you also ruling out new gal pals because they have kids?

Therefore, my recommendation is:  The fact that you have kids does not belong on your online dating profile.   Remove it if it’s on there.   Dating has to start casual – although I have seen some dudes online try to immediately jump to long-term relationships – and unless things are going to get serious (which you won’t know right away) kids don’t need to be a part of dating.

Alright..  get mad and comment.. I’m waiting.  =)

Slice of Creepy

18 Jan

So, I will now confess that you all missed my birthday.  (It’s okay, I didn’t alert the media.. this was intentional.)    And – prior to the date itself,  OKCupid had decided to make me older early.  I was a little thrown off by this, double checked my settings and they had my birthday right, so I am not quite sure what was up with that.   I decided I had better update my profile, since I had a few days before turning older than older than fuck.

My profile then said something about me not actually being the age it said, because my birthday was [date] and OKCupid must think I act a few days older.

The day before I blew out the candles, I got a message from someone who visits my OKCupid page quite regularly but has never sent a message.   And – before I share with you what it said,  I want to let you know that his picture gives me the heebie-jeebies.   He has crazy eyes, and in the words of Velvet, “It looks like he wants to wear your skin as a fur coat.”    He’s probably a nice guy — but, again, my gut is not a fan.

“Happy birthday even if its not till tomorrow.”

Now – of course, that is a very nice message – and since I did publicly display it on my profile,  it would have been really bitchy to not say thank you..

“Thanks. :)”

His response STILL makes my skin crawl:

“I know you don’t me but sometimes someone who doesn’t know you can be the one to care the most.”

It may not have creeped me out AS much if he wasn’t a frequent visitor of my profile.. because then I could have taken it innocently..  but, I just can’t.  Again, it makes my skin crawl.

Lucky for me, I am a well-loved member of society.  As much as this dude thinks he cares about me, I know for a fact there are several that love me more.  It took me a couple days, but I finally responded:

“I assure you that’s not the case.”

He responded a mere “Ok.”   and that was that.   This type of idea in a message to someone is only acceptable if you know them, and have known them a long time… and even then,  if you aren’t in a long-term relationship, it might be pushing it.

It still creeps me out.

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