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Broken Record

30 Sep

In order for me to respond to your online dating message, you either need to engage me, or start to annoy the piss out of me.

“Simply beautiful n a woman I would like to hey to know better .. Hello I am [Name] 38 from [City]”

Two days later:

“Simply beautiful. Good morning”

Two weeks later:

“w0w!! Is the first words to come to mind.. Hello I am [Name] 38 from [City].. May I say your one beautiful woman…”

One day later:

“Good morning beautiful”

“Hello.”

“Good morning..”

“Let me guess.. [Name] 38 from [City]?”

 

I am only slightly curious as to how long this merry-go-round keeps spinning..

If You Lie, Expect Lies Back

29 Sep

Two weeks ago, I got a meat market message that simply read:

“wats ur number sexy”

I am sure you all know by now that I did not respond to this.  But,  sure enough –  he got a bug up his butt and decided he didn’t want to take no response for an answer, so he messaged me again today:

“Your really gorgeous to me!! Do you like meeting new ppl? I wouldn’t want to be strangers to u! I’m not on this site like that, I would live to have your number??”

Haha – today, I was in a feisty mood.

“You;re not on this site like what?”

“A lot”

Bullshit.  Clearly you are on it enough to see my face twice.

“Well, I don’t have a phone number.”

“Damn”

“Can I see you”

Guys – if a girl says she is responding to you from the online dating app,  the chances of her not actually having a phone is probably slim to none.. Chances of her not having a phone even without responding from the phone app is also slim to none.     She just isn’t interested, and that should be your hint to take a hike.

“Probably not.”

(I mean, for crying out loud, I was at work. Not that my answer would have changed had I not been at work.)

“K”

Sigh…  (Throw in that his profile is only all jumbled letters, and we have ourselves a KEEPER, ladies and gentlemen!)

Your Mom.

27 Sep

Straight from the mouth of a 24 year old, who lists his profession as “Your Mom.”  (Oh to be young again..)

“You’re so beautiful I can’t focus on replying to my inbox messages.”

Very suave..  but, lies!  Lies I tell you!   He is a male online dating, there is no way he has inbox messages!   (I’ll be here all week, tip your waitresses!)

I find it humorous that he seemingly is a guy that does not understand the CatLady’s humor.. because I got zero response after I wrote back:

“I’m sorry.. I’m pretty sure this site has a block feature which would probably help you with that.”

What can I say?  I try to help out when I can..   But, to call him on his bullshit even further..  His “About Me” says this:

“Hello??? Anyone here??? I was just looking for my princess. Echoooooooooooooooooo! Well this is embarrassing. At least Mario had something to do when he got to these princess-less castles. Screw this I am just gonna keep looking in other castles until I rescue her.”

His “Ideal First Date” made me laugh too..

“You make me dinner…I just rescued you from a castle. Show a LITTLE appreciation.”

Even though it’s obviously a joke, and kinda funny at that.. That is a big part of the reason he doesn’t get much in the response category..  Girls can get a little uptight when you’re demanding dinner before you know us.

2nd Grade DropOut

26 Sep

I don’t know why I bother to even keep my online dating profiles active..

“So what do on ur free. Time”

20 minutes later:

“I. Left out. U”

 

..He also left out a question mark, and very apparently dropped out of 2nd grade.  Not that I had to tell YOU that.

I give up… until tomorrow.

 

Why Form Letters Piss Me Off

25 Sep

Everyone online dating gets form letters all the time, which are what I call messages that could easily have been copied and pasted and sent to anyone.  Normally I shrug them off (and don’t respond to them..)  but today this message just pissed me off:

“Hi there,
How are you doing? Look I would write more, but as I have found out on this site, you could write someone a message, and they won’t bother to read it. That is besides the fake profiles, and the pickyness of some people. I like your profile, like what you mentioned, and think you are really pretty, so I figured I’d break the ice. If you’re interested that would be nice, if not, I wish you luck in your search.”

You know what a girl reads when she gets a message like this????  Here, let me tell you:

“I’ve been doing this online dating thing for awhile now, and when I take time and effort, girls don’t respond.  I have now crafted this beast which I can send to anyone who passes my attractiveness test.  Guess what!?  You’re a winner!  Now, you go do all the work and read through my profile.  If you like what you read, respond back..  I will then look at your profile and probably find some big deal-breaker in there, and then not respond…  Or, I’m only looking for sex.. Once again, You’ve Won!!”

Seriously guys,  it would take less time to skim the profile and send a message that merely asks “I saw you like to knit.  How long does it take you to make a scarf?”  or ANYTHING!  (If it’s on her profile, it’s game.. with the exception of anything sexual – which shouldn’t be on there in the first place.   See It’sNotAMatch.com‘s most recent post.)

Once again, I will have you jump forward with me in the time machine for a moment-  You’re in love, you’re married, what have you:    Someone asks her how you two met.  She responds “He copied and pasted a message to me that he sent to several other girls.”   If that sounds like a romantic story to you, then by all means:  Proceed.   If not.. you may want to rethink the form letter.

I leave you with this:  “If you don’t change direction, you may wind up where you are heading.”

 

Single Hand of Uno

24 Sep

“I once played a single hand of UNO that went on for six hours…it was horrible. “

I wasn’t sure what to make of this message..  I don’t mention the card game “Uno” in my profile, but have played it before.  But- maybe he didn’t mean the card game and meant he played a single hand of Uno for six hours.   And in that case – Duuuuuude…  It was not meant to be.   (DO YOU SEE WHAT ONLINE DATING HAS DONE TO MY POOR MIND!?)

I was intrigued – so I wrote back:

“Hmm..”

“We had to finish. “

“I suppose.”

“Are you a kinky gal?”

Aha!  There it is.

“That is none of your business – and I am not quite sure what part of your mind finds it appropriate to ask that of a complete stranger.”

If you are going to be a creep – and a girl responds such as how I did to your “Are you kinky?” question..  Grow a set and respond back to that so she understands why you thought it was a good idea.   Or, did you forget there was an actual person on the other end?

Intense Connection – Part Deuce

23 Sep
Hi folks, Velvet here…
Most importantly, CatLady has me on the twitter now, so ya’ll should follow me. Because I have, like, 17 followers and it is kind of pathetic. @Velvet_licious. Do it-you know you wanna.
But, those few (awesome!) followers became aware of and requested a blog entry about an update about my Intense Connection. (If you didn’t read the first one, scroll down and do so) CatLady made you all aware of my apparent ability to make people I find ZERO attraction to fall deeply and madly and instantly in love with me. This guy is just…well…a little over the top? I have the distinct impression he is one of those dudes who goes around saying “Nice Guys Finish Last” and doesn’t realize that it has NOTHING to do with the fact that he is a nice guy, and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that he is desperately clingy! And trust me, folks- if I think you are clingy-you have serious issues. I am the girl who ADORES daily messages and sappy, mushy, lovey-dovey Facebook status updates and shit.
WHY do I think he is over the top and a teensy bit unbalanced? Because he sent me a 6 paragraph, 870 word (I was curious, so I pasted it into a Word doc…) email today. Mind you, this was after I sent him that very up front and polite message letting him know I am not interested, since he didn’t get the many MANY hints I gave him in person during our date.
What. The. Hell???
I was going to just copy the whole thing here. BUT I thought that was a little past mean into the bitchy zone. So instead, let me summarize for you:
Dearest Velvet,
*Paragraph 1… stating that he really really really (yes, he used 3 reallys) enjoyed getting to know me
*Paragraph 2… listing all of the things he wished he had said and done while on the date with me (mind you, not one of the things he listed would have changed a thing-no spark is no spark buddy)
*Paragraph 3… THIS is the one everyone should learn from. He went into GREAT detail about what a “spineless, rude, self centered, inconsiderate mushball” he was, and how he was really only himself for about 10 minutes, and he really hopes that I will give him another chance. Gee, with THAT glowing self recommendation, sign me the heck up!! Everyone: if a date doesn’t go well, pointing out all the things about you that suck will NOT make the memory of that bad date any shinier.
*Paragraph 4… here is where even if I had been thinking to myself, “Velvet, this guy obviously is really sweet on you, maybe you should just check your hotsy totsy self and give it another go!” This here is where he immediately got planted firmly in the same wackadoodle nutcase as Meow Man. He went on for 128 words about how since I like to people watch (something I mentioned on our date, to try to make him feel better about the super awkward silence while we stared off into the crowd) I should try hanging out at this fetish bar in the city near my hometown, so I could watch “people who pay to get whipped, electrocuted, etc” WHAT??? Who suggests that??
*Paragraph 5… Yeah, I kept reading. I don’t know why. This paragraph was when he explained how everyone can have a bad day, and if I could wait a while so I could forget how bad that was, and somehow go back to the way I felt before the date, I should really consider it. Unless the lack of chemistry was because he is shorter than me, then I could just skip it. Really? I can? I have your freakin nutty permission? GEE THANKS!
*Paragraph 6… He promised he wouldn’t try to contact me again, because he didn’t want me to think that “this spineless mushball was a stalker, too”
And this, folks, is why I may be moving in with CatLady and all of her furry little friends…
(CatLady would like to comment that if this had been her, she would have been a “bitch” and posted the actual message.)

Intense Connection

22 Sep

Remember when I told you that if I am not interested in someone that I have met online, that they become intensely interested in me?  Apparently, Velvet shares that disease.

She went out on a date with a gentleman who she ended up not being interested in.  I think it’s safe to say that a lot of us online dating struggle with the let-down, and prefer to let things sort of fizzle out on their own.  Most of us are guilty of ignoring messages, hoping the other end takes the hint.  For fantastic blog entry purposes,  I have access to her Google Voice account, and her OKCupid page.. so she may be surprised to see this.

When she was telling me about her date,  she informed me she ended it with “Thank you for the evening.”  and neglected to add “We should hang out again.”  (If a girl doesn’t say she’d like to hang out again.. trust me, she wouldn’t. — And sometimes she will say it anyway to not be awkward..)

After the date, she got a text:

“You are captivating my mind.”

And shortly after… another:

“Thank you for such a great evening. For your time.  Your incredibly fun spirit. For just being a cool person to hang out with beyond your outer beauty.”

…

“I love it when you blush.  Your eyes light up and you get that grin…”

“Are you interested/available to do something tomorrow or Tuesday night?  I don’t want to monopolize or your life but look forward to seeing you again.”

These text messages were ignored.   So, the next day, the following message appeared on her OKCupid account:

“Dearest Velvet,  

Good morning!!! My brain is still spinning from our date, and pulse still fast. I must have eaten something really bad to explain it.  NO… it’s you, or us but I wasn’t this way before meeting you so to me, it’s you.”

I am quite proud of Velvet for what she did next, which was respond to the message:

“[Guy Velvet Clearly Isn’t Interested In],

There’s just no easy way to put this, but I didn’t want to just “fade to black” on you either.  There appears to be a drastic difference between the way you are feeling and the way I am feeling.  You are a great guy, and have many of the things I am looking for – but alas the required ‘spark’ just isn’t there.  I am sorry the feeling isn’t mutual, I have been on the receiving end of this type of message, and to be blunt, I know it kinda sucks.  Take care, okay?”  

If you take away any point from the blog entry tonight, it should be this:   It will freak a girl out if you get overly intense about her, especially if she wasn’t feeling it.   If you keep it slightly vanilla,  you might have a better chance of getting to date #2, or at least make a new friend.

Tawkify Phone Date Tips

21 Sep

After my Mystery Date from Tawkify,  I took it easy for a little bit with the Tawkify stuff… I can’t let everyone in my area get to see just how awesome I am, you know.

But – Last weekend I had my 4th (not 100% positive on this number..) Tawkify Phone Date.  I was told by the matchmaker that I just had to accept this tawk, because this match was really cute.   I can handle cute..

I have often blogged about my Tawkify experiences, so you should know that only one of my phone dates really seemed to have any sort of potential, and it didn’t work out.  I still get a little worried that I might actually know the other person on the end of the line, but I still vouch that these are very fun, and I highly recommend it.

Phone Date #4 was fun.. I don’t know that anything will come of it.. I still have yet to ever meet one of my phone dates in person – so I am really hoping that will change in the near future.

But – since I should have convinced you to give Tawkify a try by now, I figured I’d share some tips on how to have a fun phone call:

1) Get the awkward out of the way-  note that it’s really weird that complete strangers have matched you up over the phone.   You are both in that same position, and it helps you bond.

2)  (I have to do this,  you may skip if you desire..)  Establish that you don’t know the person in real life.  I explain how I once was matched with someone I knew in real life.. and actually trying to determine if you know one another is a fun little game, and at very least gives you some clues for social networking stalking later.

3)  Don’t have a list of questions.  It’s not a job interview – you are making a new friend.   (And for crying out loud – DON’T ask “What do you like to do for fun?”  I freaking hate this question..   Have someone ask you that sometime and realize how awkward it is to answer.)

4)   Tawkify gives you a few details about the person on the phone..  Use this as a conversation starter.   Remember when I rant that no one reads online dating profiles?   They send you 3 sentences.. READ THEM!

5)  Smile.  People can tell if you are smiling, and no one wants to be on the phone with a grouchy pants.

6)  If it gets uncomfortably silent,  you can always ask what their Klout score is (since Tawkify matches on Klout score..) and what Klout thinks they are influential in.   (If you don’t know your Klout score.. look it up..  at least for me – it has me influential in things I am totally not influential about..)

Seriously though – fastest 10 minutes ever, I promise.

Who all has signed up already.. I want to hear how it’s going!!

If You’re Gonna Be Gross..

20 Sep

Note to Self..  If you complain that no one is messaging you,  you will get this:

“yummy! I also give free throat stretching lessons.”

I’m sorry- but in what universe is that appropriate?!     I don’t understand male’s fascination with sending perverted stuff..

Seriously..  If you HAVE to send something in this type of nature, you should really at least make it seem like it’d be worth the girl’s time.     I mean, gee.. let me just drop everything and go visit a complete stranger to get him off..  That sounds like such a great time.

Honestly.. I’d take a cat over this selfish jackass any day… and I don’t even like cats.

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