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Make It Stop!!!

12 Feb

Men of the world..  I beg you, PLEASE stop sending messages such as these:

“ohhhh heavenly blessed beauty, i would drag my balls through 1 million miles of broken glass across the sahara desert with rosie odonnell’s queef as my only air supply just to get a whiff of your panties after they had been donated to a thrift store and used as a cum rag by a HIV positive homeless man”

All of it.. just stop.  It’s not funny,  it’s so gross.  So, so gross.

For real, though..  I have seen several messages along similar lines..  Someone explain to me why the sender sends these things.

How to Win Over The Ladies With Your OKCupid Profile

10 Feb

I warn you in advance – the title of this blog entry is intended to be sarcastic.

 

“My self-summary:

I do whatever the fuck I want. Suck my dick.”

 

..And that’s it, by the way.   Nothing else.

I understand if you want to join OKCupid and be a troll..  fine.  Do it.   But – don’t attach your face to something like this – because as YOUR luck will have it,  I (or any girl, for that matter..) will probably meet you some day when I am out and about, recognize your face, and totally think you’re an asshole, when you may be a nice guy.

Seriously, a little effort never killed anybody.    If you aren’t looking for anything, leave the profile blank.   According to OKCupid Moderation – blank profiles are allowed, as long as the profile doesn’t break other rules (such as a celeb photo, etc.)

I am finding it hard to believe there are any decent guys left.

Procrastination At It’s Finest?

5 Feb

“Hi there!
Ok so I’m looking for a gorgeous fun date like you to go to a kick ass valentine party.
The entire evening will be on me. Just haven’t been in the dating scene for a while and didn’t think abt it till the last minute.

Tell me your email address so I can send you my pics.

Thanks”

 

As we all know,  this has scam written all over it.  (If they ask for your e-mail out of the gate –  it’s bad news!)    But let’s pretend for a moment that it’s not, shall we?

Single’s Awareness Day is 10 days away…  how on earth this creature thinks he is planning for “last minute” is beyond me.     Now, I understand in the dating world – YES – you need to plan far in advance for reservations on good ol’ St. Valentine’s Day.   However –  a party?  Not so much.   If you’re slated to bring a date to some party –  you could procrastinate until literally the night of.

That being said:  Gentlemen.. I am still available!

..Really makes me wonder how many days is “planning in advance.”

Don’t Message Me If..

1 Feb

First and foremost.. your lists of “Don’t Message Me If..”  are pointless, because it is not going to stop someone from messaging you.   This is mainly because people don’t read.

But.. I found a funny “Don’t Message Me If..”   that I felt needed sharing:

 

“DO NOT MESSAGE ME if you are a stripper, bartender, aspiring “actress”, slutty Virgo OR if you have implants….it has never worked out.”

 

…Poor slutty Virgos…  haha.

Thanks For Sharing?

31 Jan

Not an ideal first online dating message:

“i’m going to fucking cum in my hand and eat it”

 

1)  That is far too much information to give to a stranger.

2)  Gross.

 

Is me just wanting someone attractive, who’s not a pig, who just gets me too much to ask for?

Hear Me Out..

24 Jan

I must start by telling you, and emphasizing that this in which you are about to read, is an opinion piece.  It is quite alright if you disagree, and I fully anticipate I am going to gain some admiration, as well as piss a few of you off.   Just breathe and hear me out.

I used to tell you, and even blogged about kids being a personal deal-breaker of mine… but I have slightly changed my viewpoint on the matter.   I think if you are someone (male or female) that wants kids of your own one day..  kids are NOT a deal-breaker.   Allow me to explain..

Those of us who want kids someday, yet claim kids to be a deal-breaker, don’t realize that it’s really something else that’s the deal-breaker.  (Baby Mama Drama, the guy knocked the mom up and left,  not having a social life because of 100% parent duty, etc.)

I have decided that IF YOU ARE A PARENT,  YOU SHOULD NOT LIST ON YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE THAT YOU HAVE KIDS.  Again.. hear me out.

1)  If someone approaches you at a bar, or while you’re out at some social event and you’re flirting and having a good time, you don’t bring up that you have kids.    You don’t hear people telling strangers on the street that they have children.  Why should online be any different?

2) If you feel obligated to tell me that you have kids,  I feel obligated to tell you that I don’t know if I see myself in a long-term relationship with someone with kids.   Why the fuck are we talking about long-term in a first online dating message?!   Let’s be honest.. we may not get past, or even TO date one.

3)  I don’t feel it’s necessary to bring up offspring until date 3, at the earliest.   You need to hook the girl first, and then break the news.  She might be shocked, it might take her a couple days.. but if she’s truly into you.. she’ll get over it.   (Same goes for divorce.. don’t need to know.)

And really –  no one should be meeting each other’s kids until things are exclusive and serious… ruling out “I don’t want to fall in love with your kid and then never get to see them again.”

So – why the change in heart?  Because my dear friend, #31, is back on the market.  He is a catch, and he continuously immediately gets turned down because he has fathered a child.   To those females out there that “don’t want kids in their life right now”:  Are you telling me if your absolute dream guy came along, and was amazing and perfect (I know.. they don’t exist.. but humor me) and wanted to give you the world..  you would turn him away if you found out he had a kid, even if it meant you were going to end up alone with cats, or settling?   Are you also ruling out new gal pals because they have kids?

Therefore, my recommendation is:  The fact that you have kids does not belong on your online dating profile.   Remove it if it’s on there.   Dating has to start casual – although I have seen some dudes online try to immediately jump to long-term relationships – and unless things are going to get serious (which you won’t know right away) kids don’t need to be a part of dating.

Alright..  get mad and comment.. I’m waiting.  =)

Slice of Creepy

18 Jan

So, I will now confess that you all missed my birthday.  (It’s okay, I didn’t alert the media.. this was intentional.)    And – prior to the date itself,  OKCupid had decided to make me older early.  I was a little thrown off by this, double checked my settings and they had my birthday right, so I am not quite sure what was up with that.   I decided I had better update my profile, since I had a few days before turning older than older than fuck.

My profile then said something about me not actually being the age it said, because my birthday was [date] and OKCupid must think I act a few days older.

The day before I blew out the candles, I got a message from someone who visits my OKCupid page quite regularly but has never sent a message.   And – before I share with you what it said,  I want to let you know that his picture gives me the heebie-jeebies.   He has crazy eyes, and in the words of Velvet, “It looks like he wants to wear your skin as a fur coat.”    He’s probably a nice guy — but, again, my gut is not a fan.

“Happy birthday even if its not till tomorrow.”

Now – of course, that is a very nice message – and since I did publicly display it on my profile,  it would have been really bitchy to not say thank you..

“Thanks. :)”

His response STILL makes my skin crawl:

“I know you don’t me but sometimes someone who doesn’t know you can be the one to care the most.”

It may not have creeped me out AS much if he wasn’t a frequent visitor of my profile.. because then I could have taken it innocently..  but, I just can’t.  Again, it makes my skin crawl.

Lucky for me, I am a well-loved member of society.  As much as this dude thinks he cares about me, I know for a fact there are several that love me more.  It took me a couple days, but I finally responded:

“I assure you that’s not the case.”

He responded a mere “Ok.”   and that was that.   This type of idea in a message to someone is only acceptable if you know them, and have known them a long time… and even then,  if you aren’t in a long-term relationship, it might be pushing it.

It still creeps me out.

Bomb-Diggity

17 Jan

“Give you $20 if you call in a bomb threat at my job so I can leave early.​”

Probably not the best first online dating message….  but maybe an idea for a new website?   Hahaha!   No one would ever work again.

Already Gotten Weird

13 Jan

My POF profile has a hidden nugget in there that says something along the lines of “Your message should engage me if you want a response.”    And quite honestly, I haven’t been on that site in months.  (You ALL know how I feel about POF.)   But, my phone alerted me yesterday, while I was out shopping, that I had a message on there.

“Hi. How are you? What’s up? =oP

So, I’m confused by your comment about art. Are you saying you’re an artist, but not the brooding, anti social stereotype peope tend to think of?”

(I also mention being an artist, but not a “dark” one..  More cheery..)  Now, being that I hadn’t been on POF in forever, and was out – I responded a quick “Yes.”  to this guy.   I then went to his profile and saw that he is definitely out of my age range currently.  (12 years older..)  and he probably wouldn’t have been someone I would have messaged back had I read his profile first..  but-  it was done.

“So, you make comments about engaging in conversation, but send a one word reply? Gawd.”

Haha – he did call me out there.

“Lol… Engaging questions require more than a yes or no answer.  I am also out and on my phone and would forget to reply otherwise.. and like you said.. pof is a joke.”

(I referenced his profile in POF being a joke – that is something we have in common.)

“Even a yes or no question can be elaborated on. You could have said something like “Yep. That’s what I mean. What about you? What kind of art do you do? I like to paint” and so on. You can’t expect someone to be able to carry a conversation with you when you only say one thing and wait for someone to prod you for a reply. I’d rather prod you in other ways.”

Once again – I want to point out that I wasn’t on my A game, because I was not at home, and busy doing other things.

“Well I tend to think when it comes to online its not my job to start the conversation or elaborate. And, once again, not being home and using my phone instead makes it a challenge.”

Now – if you’ve read me for awhile, you know what I meant by the above response.   If I seek the person out – I should be the one building the conversation, I should not expect the guy to do the work.   In this instance,  he found me and sent me a message with a “yes or no” question – and expected me to have a huge response.    He has the right idea down, because he told me what I should have said back..  but he should have been the one to ask those particular questions.

“What kind of thinking is that? Well, good luck. This has gotten weird already.”

I didn’t respond because I can’t get myself to care.   Maybe he’ll see the blog.  And he also said he wanted to “prod me in other ways” which… ugh.

So once again, the lesson here is – don’t make the person you are messaging do the work for you..  Had he have sent to me what he told me I should have sent back – this conversation would have been way different.

Messaging “Tone”

12 Jan

In December of 2011, I met a guy online who I went out with a few times.   In my very first online interaction with him, and told him about this blog.   When he asked to see it, I told him I would share on 2.5 conditions.   One of those conditions was that if he ends up on my blog he is not to get pissed off.    Today – he ends up on this blog, and he  is not allowed to be pissy about it.   (Although unlikely.)

So – anyway… this guy’s name is Jon, and Jon got a message today from a girl that said:

“hi 🙂 id love if you read my profile”

For starters – as you all know – CRAPPY first message.   Not that it justifies it by any means, but girls can get away with this easier than guys can.   (Although I would advise you guys not to put up with this.)  Jon looked at her profile and said he wasn’t overly enthused about this girl – but decided to be nice and respond anyway.

He responded:

“Hey [Girl’s Name],

I took a look around your profile, you seem like a great person.  I’m gonna be forward here, the kid is probably a deal breaker but if you’re really awesome, I’d consider meeting you and seeing what happens.

I guess the only thing I don’t see is what you are doing with your life, what do you do for a living, etc?

How old is your son?

Out of curiosity, what did you see that made you want to message me? 

I’ll talk to you later,

Jon”

Let’s be honest here – if her original message was from a guy and sent to me,  I either wouldn’t have responded, or would have been a smart ass and responded something like, “Okay, I read it.”    But – I think Jon was nice to respond, and has learned from the best how to keep a girl engaged.  😉

She responded:

“My profile states what Im doing with my life ?  What are you doing with urs?  Yours has as much of a description as mine does.  “the kid” is a beautiful blessing and your message comes across as rude”

Wait.. what?   Rude?!  I get where she probably flew off the handle because he said that someone with a kid is probably a deal breaker for him, but that doesn’t make the message rude.   Her message comes across as an immature teenager.. you know, one of those that clearly knows how to spell, but spells words wrong for shits and giggles.

Additionally, I would like to add that I visited her profile.  I find interesting that on her six things she can’t live without, she includes “Jesus, water, heat, friends, shelter and HER DOG.”   What about the “blessing”?

Friends –  This is especially why I hate text messaging..  you can’t depict someone’s tone through text.  (Including my blog, here!)  Therefore,  you should give the person the benefit of the doubt…  and DON’T READ INTO IT.  Of course, sometimes I need to take my own advice.. but – seriously..  Was his message rude?

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