Soon2BeCatLady

“you lookin purdy damn hot. let me take you to my cabin and poor some budlight on that body 😉 We’ll git er dun”

First of all – don’t even get me started on “git er dun.”   I can’t stand it.

I cannot possibly be the only female on the planet who isn’t really a fan of getting beer poured all over her.   I am trying to determine if he meant the budlight bath to cool me off, or to attempt to sound sexy.   Either way, I am pretty sure that would be considered alcohol abuse.

I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I should be responding to more of the stupid messages I get, because they make for great stories.  (I will note that this is on my out of town page that I request a big strong man capable of mowing my lawn and shoveling my driveway..)

“Hey wanna chat?”

“About?”

“About what you want to do on our first date.”

“That’s a little bold, don’t you think?”

“Not really. This is a dating site we are both on”

“Just because two people are on a dating website doesn’t necessarily mean they will date.”

(Especially if they live a handful of states away..)

“You are absolutely correct, but wouldn’t you like to go on a date with an older successful man who can shovel snow and mow lawns or hire mexicans to do either?”

Wow…. I made an executive decision at this point to stop wasting my time, and his for that matter, and didn’t respond.

“I hope I didn’t offend you. You are not mexican are you? I love mexicans, by the way. The truth is we should go on a date because I think you’re very cute.”

I don’t really understand asking people their ethnicity when they have photos of themselves up.  I am practically albino with how pale skinned I am.. there is no need to ask me if I am Mexican, I am clearly not.

I still didn’t respond.. I don’t need to be called fat or ugly when I turn him down, because I certainly am not taking a plane ride to meet this charmer.

“Where have you gone, my little tulip? Where fore art thou?”

Haha – now he thinks he is a master of the English language..  that’s cute.

I guess I have never looked into adoption before, but I have a feeling it’s a bit more complex than what this guy realizes.  I guess on the plus side:  I’m adorable?

“You’re adorable. I’m adopting you as my little sister so we can drink kool-aid and climb trees. Afterwards we can star in a commercial about how awesome adoption is and you can give a really sad face to the camera but then I come around the corner with a pitcher of kool-aid and your smile turns into a party.”

Oh so very random.   I am pretty sure I didn’t join OKCupid, PlentyOfFish or any other dating website gain an adopted older brother.. especially since I am in what most people consider my late twenties.  Besides, I already have a brother.. I certainly don’t need another one.

Adopt me as your girlfriend, change kool-aid to alcohol and climbing trees to almost anything else,  and I’d probably be willing to close the deal..  Even with the commercial.

Like I have told you all before,  I have a few profiles out there.  One in particular, I often times change up the location just to see if I should be relocating.

So,  according to said profile,  I am currently on the East Coast, and got a message from someone that read:

“hey buddy.. let me buy you a drink.. dont be such a snob”

He must get turned down a lot to already assume I am a snob, considering we have had no interaction prior to this.   But… if he doesn’t want me to be a snob,  at least I will tell him he is allowed to buy me a drink..  he can wire me the funds if he wants to.

“Okay.”

“Ha.. was that too pushy? when/where would you like to meet up?”

“Well, I am actually in [state], so whenever you are able to get here.”

For the record, yes, his message was pushy.   No one owes you a night out.  I don’t know why I keep needing to remind people this.

So, apparently the meat market is just full of women who are married with children.. although I doubt that..

“At least you’re not married and have kids like the other girls on here”

“I guess that’s a perk.”

I mean, come on – what was I supposed to say to that?

“What’s your phone number ?”

Woah, buddy.   I didn’t answer that, because even though I have a Google Voice number that protects me from all evil,  I need a bit more to work with before I am comfortable handing out my digits.

After a few days of not getting my phone number, he tried a new tactic:

“You are cute’er than the average girl here .. anyone nailing you ?”

Is anyone nailing me?!   Wow, that’s just classy.

“I like to think I am bit more respectable than that.”

“Im respectful and courteous .. do you want to hang out ?”

He is respectful and courteous?   Didn’t he just ask me if I was being nailed?  Bet you can’t guess my answer!

“No, thanks.”

I am going to tell you that I don’t really know what the appropriate analogy would be..  but just that it’s not this:

“i would love to know you more angel, cos am lonely hearted and i would love you to fill the vacuum in my heart,i know this might sound strange but this truly from my heart.”

Fill the vacuum in his heart?  I get what he’s trying to do.. but, I don’t generally vacuum up goodness, do you?    Secondly,  what on earth is a vacuum doing in his heart?   That should be looked at.   Is it the type that requires replacement bags?   What happens when it pops – that just sounds like a huge mess.

Like I said – I don’t know what would have worked better for him, because I am really not cheesy in a lovey-dovey fashion.   Create a fun one, and if the suggestions are any good – I promise to send one out to an unsuspecting male and see if it works.