Archive | Stupid Messages RSS feed for this section

Someone Seems Indecisive on Cats.

17 Dec

This “You Should Message Me If..”  made me laugh..   and also worries me slightly:

“…you don’t have a pic of your cat on your profile and it’s referred to as your “baby”. Cats are creepy, regardless of the type of sweater you dress them in. FYI, your cat actually hates you. It only barely likes you because you feed it and clean its poop box. The only exception is if you have a cat that sniffs out bombs at the airport, cancer in a hospital or survivors of a building collapse. If your cat helps the blind and disabled, then that’s ok too and please feel free to message me. Especially if you have one of those super rare herding cats. There’s nothing like watching a cat work a herd of cattle.”

I wonder how he really feels..

Update Your Form Letter!

2 Dec

We’ve discussed several times my hatred for form letters in online dating.  (You know, those messages that were clearly copied and pasted.)   If you can’t take the 30 extra seconds to reference something specific to my profile, then I can’t take the extra 30 seconds to respond.

But – some people swear by the form letter.  Their argument is that if they send their form letter out to 1000 girls, they will likely get 100 responses.  “Online dating is a numbers game.” is their cry.  I still hold my position of if you want someone of quality (and a good story to tell the grandkids..)  you might want to take the more personalized approach.

Do what you will –  but,  you might want to make sure that if you switch out your form letter for specific holidays, that you change it back.  This guy I received a message from today neglected to do so:

“Hi there beauty queen!! Good morning!  How are you doing today besides Thanksgiving?”

D’oh!  (And double “D’oh!” for the atrocious grammar, besides.)

Euphemism?

30 Nov

Being that you don’t know me,  you likely don’t know that I have relatively large eyes.  Not in a “bug-eyed” type of way, (although if I open them wide enough, they would seem bug-eyed)  but – and this comes from @A_Dude79 –  my irises are large.    Another friend of mine calls them my “Disney Princess” eyes –  just to put it into another perspective.   (It’s weird to describe your own eyes, I kind of feel like a tool right now..)   But that should hopefully put into perspective the online dating message I received yesterday:

“I love your large eyeballs, seriously, they are so hot!”

Commenting on one’s eyes is an easy way to break the ice – because who doesn’t like to hear they have nice eyes? …  But this was a new approach I hadn’t received before.  I wasn’t sure what to respond.

“Pahaha!!  Thank you.”

What came next surprised me (that’s what she said):

“Want to ride my tractor?”  (Is that what you guys are calling it these days?)  “I just put new spark plugs in it AND adjusted the valves!!”

If that’s a euphemism (and I rather suspect it is).. I don’t get it.

“I’ll pass..  but I appreciate the offer.”   (I think.)

“Probably a good idea,  I just bumped in to something (possibly an understatement) with it but I don’t recall what.”

Now I’m confused..  maybe he is talking about a tractor?  Or.. maybe he’s trying to say he is not sure if he caught an STD?

I think I’d rather not know..

Looks Can Be Deceiving

17 Nov

I am not sure what to make of this first online dating message.. especially because it comes from someone who lives over 900 miles away.

“I think you are very beautiful and you have very attractive hands! You look like you give very strong neck massages. I bet you have a pretty firm handshakes ::love:: I would love to get a neck massage from you!”

Sure… let me just hop on a plane and get right on that.

Barbecue Sauce

21 Oct

I know I constantly joke about my imaginary cats, and becoming a real-life cat lady someday.  Those of you that have followed my antics for awhile most likely understand that I don’t actually believe that.  Well – maybe until today.   I am pretty sure today is a new-time low.

It started a few days ago when I was drunkenly sending out “You’re cute!” messages on OKCupid.   This is something I do not advise doing, because you don’t get responses to messages like that.   I happened to get one response because the next morning I had sent out follow-up messages with depth to them.  (Mostly in hopes to just throw out there “Sorry!”  and “I’m not really crazy.”)

So – considerably cute guy number 8 had responded to my message, and we had several messages back and forth.  He seemed to be someone that I might meet up with.   I haven’t met anyone off the interwebs in a while, so I was getting a little excited about it.. which brings me to this morning.

He had sent a message asking about the weekend, and what not, and mentioned he was cooking some chicken.  I told him I was jealous and he said he’d be happy to mail me some barbecue chicken — and “What could go wrong?”  My response was that what could go wrong is that I am not really a fan of barbecue sauce.  (Of course, in reality, there are other technicalities as well.)

My dislike* for barbecue sauce was a deal-breaker.   I thought he was joking when his next message said that he didn’t think it was going to work out between us.. but, after a little digging –  sure enough.

Yep – I am going to die alone with cats.

 

*I don’t actually dislike barbecue sauce, and this was explained.  I have a certain brand I like, and if I’m going to eat it – I prefer it on meatballs.    I feel BBQ sauce ruins chicken and pork.  (So – you can all stop reading my blog now since I am a menace to society.)

 

Junk Mail.

20 Aug

Just when I think nothing more can surprise me when it comes to online dating.. I get a first online dating message such as this:

“8======D~~~~~~”

What’s classier than sending a dick pic?  Sending an emoticon dick pic, of course!  And let me tell you, my friends, am I uber impressed.

Luckily for him (and you..) I was feeling a little feisty, and although a message like this would normally be ignored.. I couldn’t resist the fun that could be had:

“Interesting.. Let’s be real here, though..  You don’t want to be misleading:  8==D~~”

I really want to know what he thought I would respond to his massive dick.. but, even at that moment, I was calling my response a win.

“Yeah I know its only 3 instead of 6 :/”

“We will make a great pair then since I only have a two inch vagina.”  (Many thanks to @DatingMary for this one.. making the score CatLady – 2,  Moron – 0.)

“Lol that’s a good one”

…and that was it…  Crickets ever since.  Granted, I am okay with not meeting this fine specimen in person, or even talking further… but what was the point of all that?  Can someone please explain to me how the male mind works?!

 

 

*Bangs Head Against Wall*

5 Aug

Here is the cliff notes version of this dude’s form letter:  “Dear Pretty Girl on the Internet,  If you like what you see, hit me up.”

“Hi, I saw your profile and realize that you seem interesting. I know what you put in your profile description does not tell me everything about you since its overwhelmingly far too much to write. However, it gave me enough to send you this message..right?? lol..Enough to be curious in knowing more about who you are. Thus, I was hoping to get to know you better and go from there so we can see what nature have in store for us I know this site is weird and/or awkward because several strangers are sending you messages and you might be hesitant to respond. So I would not take it personal if you decide to ignore this message, but if you would like to stay in touch and you feel we might hit it off feel free to respond to this.

Thank you for taking the time to read this long message (I tend to talk a lot btw), and thank you for putting yourself out there on a site like this. It takes courage for people to do this because you don’t know who is reading your profile and there actual intent behind it. Even myself is a little freaked out by putting up a page on here, but if you don’t risk anything in life your chances of getting what you want will be reduced by ALOOT! lool

Thanks again and enjoy 🙂 !!!! “

If you are going to stoop to the low level of form letters, at least make sure it’s grammatically correct.   (Although, I still strongly encourage making it at least a little personalized.)

Someone Forgot His Asshole Medication

6 Jul

On a whim last night, since I was going to the bar with some friends anyway-  I threw out an OKCupid local broadcast in case anyone wanted to join my table.  I normally wouldn’t suggest that feature, because it seems like an easy way to get abducted.. but, since I was among friends (a few of which were big strong men..) I decided to go for it.  I think more people should utilize OKCupid/POF etc for new friends – you might just meet the love of your life through a new friend.

So, to have the following make sense – I also need to tell you that last night, my profile my picture was me, holding wads of $100 bills.  (That’s just how I roll..)

“With all that money you can buy the drinks at [the bar] :)”

(I should also mention that this guy’s username indicates that he thinks he is the funniest man alive.)

“Right? Too bad its gone.”

“Spent it all on drugs didn’t you? Tsk tsk”    (Hi-larious.. ?)

“No.. I steal my drugs.. I spent it on responsible things.”

What came next came as a surprise to me:

“You should have spent it on a new hairdo.”

That’s… interesting, I guess.   Not knowing this guy – I didn’t know if I should have taken this offensively, or if this was just him being the funniest man alive.

“Oh, is that right?”  

After twenty minutes of no response to that, I sent another message:

“So.. are you coming or not?”    (I wanted to be prepared if I was going to be meeting this dickhead in person.)

“Sure am, i never turn down free drinks and getting hammered :)”

“Oh, are you bringing your mom?”   (Haha.. because I certainly wasn’t buying him a drink.. and I am the funniest WOMAN alive.)

“Sure am, that way I’m guaranteed to leave with a girl”

“Good plan, bro.​”

Shock of the century:  He did NOT show up at the bar..   So, what was the point of that conversation?   Guys online dating who’s objective is to just be an asshole are really ruining for people actually trying to make it work.

What’s YOUR Kink?

29 Jun

It’s funny – when I was 22, I thought 28 was ridiculously old.   Now that I am 28, I realize it’s not as old as I thought – but I do now view 22 year olds as cute little puppies.   That being said, a cute little puppy sent me an IM on good ol’ OKCupid the other day.

“may I say, you are gorgeous”

“Thank you, I appreciate that.”

“Just realized…I seem to be quite a bit young for you”

“Yeah, little bit.”

“you seem pretty open minded though”

“am I correct?”

“About some things, sure.”   (About considering dating a 22 year old, not really.)

“can i ask 2 things without explaination?”

“Sure.”  

“1. do you need to pee? even just a little urge? be hinest”

“No.”

“grr…”   (Aww… aren’t puppies cute when they growl?)

“2. when did you go last?”

“An hour and a half ago.”

“how open minded do you feel tonight? and do you find me attractive?”

“I find you to look 14 years old.”   (In other words, cute in a little puppy sort of way.)

“i want to ask”

“but im afraid youll judge and run away”

“Whatever.”

“would you be willing to fill your bladder to its max and hold it while we talk?”

“No.”

“see? sorry i’ll go now”

“That’s not judging or running away.. that’s me saying no.”

“i knoe but its kind of judging”

“because its not that you CANT”

“you think its weird and dont want to”

“It’s because I don’t want to.  Here’s the nice thing about life- you get to choose what you want to do.”   (He must have been one of those spoiled rotten children who got everything he ever asked for..)

“look”

“we are two strangers”

“this is a one time deal that no one needs to know about”

“LOL. I am not worried about people knowing.”   (Am I EVER not worried about people knowing!)  “I don’t believe there is anything in it for me to fill and hold my bladder. That doesn’t sound fun to me.”

“then what is YOUR kink?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“fine i concede. i need to… ‘go’.”

“and i cant wait oo much longer”

“sorry for suggesting”   (Perhaps he was more sorry for wasting his own time.)

“I don’t believe the intent of OKCupid is so you can message girls odd requests so you can take care of special time.”

“says the girl with the s,all bladder and the closed mind”

“I only have a small bladder at work.”  (True story..)

“actually, lets not say the b word right now”

“Oh for fucks sake.. Are we done now?”

“apparently”

See.. just like a little puppy… cute until he starts humping your leg.

 

 

Intense Magnetism

28 Jun

I don’t believe for one second that this guy actually speaks like this:

“Its not to often external beauty inspires internal emotion in the way your photographic pixels did.  I am not the most amazing you will most likely ever meet, but I may be the most unique and interesting.  I love music with a passion.  I record and produce my own music.  I also play the guitar and sing.  Its puts my mind at peace and my soul at rest.  It can make this ever growing dissatisfaction with the world seem like a better place.  You really have caught my interest, not anyone can make me ramble and give me goose bumps through an LCD screen!  The sharing of emotion through written word is a lost art that is rarely appreciated anymore.  I like to consider myself a wordsmith in the poetic and song writing essence.  Its more of a hopeless romantic way to live…we are all star dust, created by a supernova.  Essentially the carbon, oxygen, and hydrogen inside us is all the same yet so radically different.  The question is why are my molecules drawn to yours with such intense magnetism?  I would really love to find out?  Would you like to explore the rabbit hole?.”

Not to mention, I would suggest that no less than five women per day can make him ramble in an online dating message and give him these alleged goose bumps he speaks of.

While the message itself is quite endearing,  it is still a form letter.  He could have added a mere two sentences that proved he read what I had to say on my profile, and I would have at very least responded.

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →