Favorite Books

28 Nov

An old friend of mine joined the ranks of OKCupid recently, and sent me a message on there.  Normally,  it weirds me out when people I know message me on an online dating site,  but not him.   I think this is because I don’t believe he has a judgmental bone in his body.   He is very easy to be around, and to talk to.  I have always been comfortable around him.

Moving right along,  tonight I got another message from him:

“UGH

I understand we all have hypocrisies about us, but I’ve seen multiple profiles that list 50 Shades of Grey immediately after the Bible as their favorite books.

What am I supposed to make of that?”

 

Now that right there fascinates me.  I’ve said it again and again, I don’t go looking at chicky’s profiles.. because girls are not what I’m after.   But, really?  — And I’m not trying to say that ’50 Shades of Grey’ is bad, or anything..  I’ve never read it, personally.  (I understand what it’s about..)   Those just seem at very extreme opposite ends of the spectrum to publicly list both as your favorite.

What is anyone supposed to make of that?   Is that their way of saying, “I’m a good girl during the day, but a freak under the sheets at night?”

Do any of you consider both of these books your favorite?  Does anyone have any thoughts on this?  My mind is blown.

Don’t Be Dumb

26 Nov

Not only will a message that could be sent to anyone scream “FORM LETTER!” at me, but throw in that I am online, you visit my page and 30 seconds later I have a lengthy message from you, and that also is a red flag.

However, this guy’s profile seemed interesting..  I decided I would respond anyway.

“I’ll never know how to start these off properly. Mayhaps I am too neurotic. Question mark?

I’m a silly-goose and a bit of a nerd and if that sounds A-OK with you, please let me know.

I love that your personality shows in the words you’ve put in your profile. Makes me feel at ease. Which is why I’m writing to you. You sound like a very interesting woman whom I would like to get to know better.

Full disclosure. This message isn’t too long because I am just looking to get the ball rolling. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
[Name]

P.S. You can call me [Shortened version of name]. It’s cool.”

 

“Did you just deal me a form letter? =)”

Now..  if someone calls you out on that,  really – that’s your opportunity to fix it.

“That was not my intention. It does sound a bit off doesn’t it (i.e. bullshit)? I’m just not very good at writing the first message, breaking the ice.
My apologies.”

“If it’s a letter you could send to anyone (i.e. not specific to the person) – it’s very form-ish.”

“No, you’re right. Thank you for pointing that out. I’m such a dork.
Nothing to see here. Moving on.”

I wasn’t really sure what to respond, but – again, attempting to give him the benefit of the doubt, I sent a smiley face.

“Is that a “finally, I don’t have to talk to that a-hole anymore” smile or a “yay, the dummy figured it put” smile?”

“..Neither? I just like to smile, smiling’s my favorite.”

“I’m sorry. I’m just really hard on myself. Now, to die alone.”

From here, to me.. all bets were off.  I am not going to coddle anyone.  That entire non-existent relationship flashed before my eyes.   No self-esteem and in constant need of reassurance?  No thanks.

“Maybe you should work on that..
Or – if you’re determined to die alone: 
Get some cats, that’s what I am going to do”

“That might work out because I’m deathly allergic to cats. Also, you quoted ‘Elf’. Nice. You probably won’t die alone. Me on the other hand.”

He gets a point for catching the “Elf” reference.   But, that’s it.   He stopped responding after I messaged back that we all create our own destiny.  Probably because I wasn’t feeding his starving ego.

If someone’s responding…  (especially when their profile indicates they may not..)  that should be enough of a pick-me-up.

 

What’s a Spell Check?

25 Nov

Can we make a rule that if you are searching for love online without a photo – then you, in return, can’t see anyone’s photo?

“im new to this whole concept.but you seem my type,;) 

i realise showing a topless pic of me and no face is not a good start but would you believe im actually almost as hot as you 🙂 and that is the only pic i know that doesnt have my face in shot that i could think of(its seems vein but if you ant a pic just send me an email address that you’d be happy for me to send to an i shall) 
im starting a fitness enterprise new year and doing a marathon in april for charity 
I really am a charming well to do guy whos just a bit unlucky i think. 

p.s you seem really cute an if i saw you on a noght out i wouldn’t hesitate to say hello.”

I am sure Mr. Shirtless is probably a nice guy.. but, spelling and grammar do go a long way.   I cringe just looking at this.   And, you just know it’s a form letter too, since he felt so inclined to add the P.S. to it.   First he’s actually almost as hot as I am, but then P.S.  I seem really cute?   To me,  cute and hot are different categories.  (We could discuss that in the comments if I’m wrong.)

Seriously..  This message is nothing a little spell check wouldn’t fix.  It’s SO easy to use, too.  (However,  only he can help not showing his face.)

Happy Thanksgiving!

22 Nov

In the spirit of the Thanksgiving..

“Id like to stuff ur turkey”

Oy.. Have a good one, everybody!

Not Some Drunk Asshole Player Frat Type Guy

20 Nov

Many many thanks to Samantha Lynn of The Einstein Approximation for submitting the crazy message she received on OKCupid.

Because she sent me a screen shot which does not allow me to copy and paste,  and because I am far too lazy to retype this beast..  Here it is:

Dearest 50shadesgrey,

I would have to concur on your opinion that Ms. Sam is not the “normal complete trash” you interact with daily…  She’s a classy lady, which is why you are probably only a mere 15% match with her.

Granted, I know you think you’re classy too…  I mean, no whips and chains for you..  just gagging and choking..  TOTALLY different.   Riddle me this, though..  Can someone really be your  “EQUAL”  if you require them to submit to you?

I’m also quite pleased to know you had your phase of fucking every chick in sight while you were in college.  I can imagine you are one hell of a walking STD… you may want to get that checked out.

How ’bout next time, do your homework and try to message people that list they are looking for casual submissive sex,  instead of adorkable girls who indicate they want nothing of the sort.

Love,

CatLady

(Those of you interested..  feel free to send a message his way.. you know where to find him!   If you aren’t sold yet, I can tell you that according to his profile he occasionally treads water for 3 days at a time, and woos women with his sensuous and godlike trombone playing.)

And.. for those keeping score..  I have found myself to be a mere 10% match with this charmer.   I think everyone should go visit his profile and comment what your match percentage is with him!!

We Don’t Know What We Want

19 Nov

One reason why I think online dating is just so difficult (aside from we are allowed to be extra picky..)  is that we are attempting to choose a partner based on interests.  I am going to be bold and say:  Someone’s interests really won’t make or break a relationship.

I have a friend I met a few years ago, through another friend, actually..  and our interests are aligned almost 100%.    We have the same career, both were in the same after-school activities, and both have the same passion for cheesy Disney movies.   (He even left me a singing voicemail once, with my favorite Disney song.)

If someone had written down all of his interests, snapped a photo and handed it me when I was in high school – I am pretty sure I would have immediately declared my love for him.   To this day, when I talk about him – I tell people that on paper, he is absolutely perfect for me.  (Aside from never ever ever ever ever wanting kids..)

Here’s the thing, though…  He annoys the shit out of me.   Don’t get me wrong,  we’re friends and all.. but I can only handle him in small doses.   He’s on OKCupid, and again, on paper, he is almost exactly what I want… Or what I think I want.  But he is NOT what I want.

My ex-boyfriend, who I loved dearly, and I didn’t really have many similar interests – but our personalities meshed well, and people found us to be a good fit.  My friend has every interest of mine, and his personality drives me crazy.

What I am trying to say is:  Don’t rule someone out because of their interests.. You just don’t know.

 

:/

18 Nov

“Sit on my virgin face​”

…Because nothing screams SEXY like “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Wishful Thinking

17 Nov

Hey.. if you don’t at least try to pick up a girl this way.. you’ll never know if it works, right?

“I had a dream you gave me a blowjob in my car”

If I wanted to encourage this type of behavior, I would probably respond with:

“Was it the best blow job ever?”

Because regardless of what he responded,  I could say, “Oh.. definitely wasn’t me, then.”

But –  in hopes that he never tries that kind of “wishful thinking” message again, I am going to let it sit..

Kids and Online Dating

16 Nov

Can we be real for a minute, here?

Guys –  Why would you think posting a picture of you with a kid is a good idea?   First of all,  any girl looking at it will immediately conclude the child is yours.   (And especially if the kid in the picture appears to be under a day old, I am steering clear..)  Obviously, if the child is yours,  I get it..  still a dumb idea, in my opinion.. But, whatever.

What about those of you who post pictures of you with your nieces or nephews?  …Do you know their mother (your sibling) will probably lose her shit when she finds out you have her pride and joy on a dating website for all us wackos to see?     (…I think that could even be illegal…)

But CatLady..  how do I express that I like kids if I don’t show you myself interacting with them?!   Why not write that you love spending time with your nieces and nephews?  Or, more specifically “I love watching THE WIGGLES with my nieces and nephews.”   That, to me,  would say you get kid stuff.

Babies are chick-magnets.. Totally..  just not online.  If you want that magic to work, you got to take them out in public so they can do your flirting for you..  and, as you know, you play up that the baby get’s all his or her charm from Uncle [Insert Your Name Here].    (And personally, if you then starting singing “Elmo Song”,  I will turn to putty in an instant.)

 

What?! Two Commas!?

15 Nov

“Baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive​.  I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. I am going to need your name and number (for insurance purposes, of course!)​”

1)  Cheesy.

2)  Without digging further than this message, I am going to go out on a limb and say this gentlemen didn’t join the computer era until the floppy disk was old news.

3)  Oh my GOD,  he passed third grade!!   Way to go on the commas, buddy!!

I’m going to cut this short –  I’ve got a podcast to be a part of.

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