Running for the Hills

26 May

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VELVET!!!!

I have temporarily disabled my OKCupid account.  (Don’t worry – I have another – the Cat Lady Chronicles shall continue.)   This was done in a panic after seeing a far too familiar face pop up as a match for myself..  My ex-boyfriend’s brother.     Apparently we are a pretty strong match, which is pretty hilarious because..  No, we are not a strong match at all.

But – I did not want him clicking on my page and seeing what I had to write about myself.   This is my actual page.   The sad part is – if for any reason he has “anonymous viewing” turned on – he may have already seen it.   Disabling my account did two things for me.  1)  If he hasn’t seen it – he won’t.   2)  If I am just that lucky that he DID see it,  he may notice it’s gone, and word may travel around a family that I once was a part of that I could be seeing someone.   Although I am keeping my fingers crossed it’s option #1.

But – until it’s safe to return to OKCupid,  I have a few things going for me.   Super hot POF guy appears as though he wants to meet me..  which will be a good lesson for me in trying not to overdo the awkward.    And I fully plan to at least give a random high five to a cute guy who, like me, takes a morning walk around the business complex in which I work, usually around the same time I do.    (Despite being awkward on dates, I am really amazing at initiating conversation with strangers..)

..I need a drink..

 

Body Type

25 May

For those of you who are blessed enough to not have to try to find love online – All of the dating websites have you list your body type.   Generally, the options are very similar.   Thin,  Athletic, Average or Curvy.   And I hate this question.

I hate this question because for some reason, in the online world,  curvy is the option to nicely say that you are overweight.   I don’t get it.    I know plenty of thin women that I would describe as curvy.   I didn’t think having curves was considered a bad thing.  (I will say I did laugh when I saw a boy listed himself as  curvy.)

POF also has an ad on their site that says “Are you Curvy? Find men who are looking for you!”  and shows a photo of a woman who, yes – has curves,  but is definitely overweight.

Is our society not fucked up enough with women and their body types?   Who decided this nonsense?

When digging around a little bit for this post.. I noticed that OKCupid has added in some more options since I lasted listed myself as “Average.”

So now…  *drumroll please*

Soon2BeCatLady –  Body Type:   Used Up.

The Infomercial

24 May

When I read this message-  I totally heard Billy Mays in my head..

“Thank you for reading my message 🙂 You sound AMAZINGGG and a blast to be around!! I do think our personalities coincide well with each others.
Are you’re tired of playing with the little boys, wannabe thugs and man children? Looking to put an end to the games and start to make a life with someone special? Then take a look at my profile and imagine the possibilities.”


Perhaps he can help me install some Hercules Hooks.

In other news:   There is such a thing as cat wigs.  For my impending cat ownership, I may need to consider this:   Kitty Wigs.

I Give AMAZING Imaginary Hand Jobs.

23 May

A very long time ago, I expressed to you all that I had a photo of me as a mime.   This still holds true today – I don’t actually mime, but a friend of mine needed a body for a photo project, and that turned out to be me.   The photos are very artistic and neat, and what the heck?     Back then, I had received one message which I still have in my OKCupid inbox.

For kicks, I added a different mime photo from that shoot onto another online dating profile of mine.. and my poor sweet computer near got a shower of soda after I read the following message I received today:

“do you give real hand jobs or just mime them??”

Hahahahahaha!!!!   Only the best imaginary ones EVER.

*

*

I cannot believe there is more to the story..  AFTER posting, I looked at this guy’s page..   This is Adam… from way back in the day on a different dating website..  Oh. My. God.

I am such a hypocrite..

22 May

I am only very slightly shamed to inform you all that as of today I am a big hypocrite.   I broke one of my own rules.   I got a message (on POF, no less)  that may or may not have been a form note-  a very simple “You’re cute!  How are you?”

And I responded to it..  on purpose, and not to blog about it.

I’m sorry – I had to.. this guy is freaking gorgeous.   No, seriously.  I want to take a photo with him on my arm, and I want him to be my trophy husband.  (Okay..  I am being slightly dramatic..  but he’s good looking. VERY good looking.  Honestly,  if anything ever came of it – I would probably not be able to speak the entire time..  If I am awkward generally,  it would totally be amplified here.)

I tell you ALL THE TIME that “Hey how are you?”  doesn’t work.   Okay.. I lied.  It works if you are extremely attractive.   Is that fair?  No… but I also don’t really know how to fix that problem… cuz still as a general rule, I am not going to respond to everyone who asks how I am,  until blogging starts paying the bills.

Any ideas, world?

Real Mature.

21 May

I got an instant message from a 24 year old that lives pretty close tonight..  I was on my way out the door, but decided to accept it anyway:

“Hi.”

“Hello.”

“Guess what?”

“What?”

“I think you are really cute, and I like that you don’t party.”  

(This is clear indication he read my profile, because I did list on there that I don’t really tend to go out partying.  For record’s sake:  I am an old lady.)

“Cool.”

“What do you like about my profile?”

You all know how much I hate being asked that – and truthfully I was on my way out the door.

“I haven’t seen your profile.. and I have to go.  Have a nice night.”

I closed the chat without giving him a chance to respond.   When I got to my destination, my lovely cell phone alerted me that I have an unread message.. which happened to be from this class act:

“You’re dumb.”

Haha..

“Okay.”

And that was the end of that..  I am very glad I didn’t waste more than 2 minutes of my life on this.

Charming

20 May

I got a message from someone on POF who calls himself “TheRealThing.”   Before I get into the message,  I would love to share with you what “TheRealThing” put as his About Me:

“Willi wanka told me to tell you that snuffleupagus saw big bird blowing lines with Winnie the pooh on oscar the grouches trash can outside of the cheese cake factory while cookie monster and tigger where shoot dice watching Kermit trip on acid…. Yes I made this up myself”

Umm.. what?   Yes sir, you are definitely “The Real Thing”..  and nothing says “I have stopped pretending to be charming” more than the message he sent:

“Clever and witty open messages aren’t working so I’ll go with hey how are ya :)”

Had this been on my official POF account,  I probably wouldn’t have responded at all – but lucky for “TheRealThing”  this was my “I’m pretending to live in your area” account.   I thought I’d help him out..

“That doesn’t work either – for the record.”

“No see the problem is that I’m on a website trying to find women but what I have to ask myself is why are they on here and the answer most of them suck, they are lame, or crazy and you helped prove my point thank you for the record “

“No problem.”

*

Hopefully me proving his point is what gets him to delete his account so people actually attempting to find a relationship can do so.   But, he really also proves what I have been saying all along:   POF SUCKS.

I have met one person off of POF, and it was a pleasant experience — but he also had an OKCupid account.   Remember,  POF’s nickname is “The Meat Market.”

Intelligence is SEXY.

19 May

More class from the meat market:

“hay u like sex”

Oh my God..

“1) Hay is for horses.

2) Is this a statement, or a question? Your lack of punctuation
leaves me guessing.”

“if u do tex me ***-***-****”

Believe it or not, there was at least 3 hours between each message.

I shouldn’t be dumbfounded anymore, but how are there so many stupid people roaming this planet?     And what kind of question is that?   Don’t most people like sex?   I’m not stupid, and I know what he meant.. but it seems like a really dumb reason to “tex” someone.

Does anyone want his number?

Holy Cow.

18 May

This is perhaps the longest first message I have ever received.  I almost called it a form letter, which I believe it to be for the most part.   I think overall, it’s too much..

“Good morning [Soon2BeCatLady],
While listening to Thornley’s “Can’t Keep a Good Man Down”, and reviewing your profile, I want you to know I thought it was a really enjoyable read about your straight and forward attitude. You laid it out there and seem like you don’t and won’t play games which is a great characteristic. (A big plus)

I don’t know your name…well hopefully soon I may if you find me to your liking that is. But, you have that girl next door quality that I’m looking for in a woman. Lastly, it’s your eyes and smile that could light up a room.

For the record, I’m not like 99.99999 percent of the douchebags on this site who are trying to talk their way into your pants.

I’m actually one of the few looking for something real and whole. It’s been too long for me (over two years) and I’m finally ready to find one woman to commit to.

I will do my best to make your ribs hurt from laughter. If it takes a good joke, my own stupidity as a young soldier (Yes, I’m an Army Vet) some situational comedy, or even pulling out some old school physical comedy, aka “The Jack Tripper”From 3’s Company, I’ll make you laugh. I promise. 

I am absolutely positive that we could share horror stories about who’ve and what we’ve seen through this site. I’m sure you get 100s of emails weekly, maybe even daily. Hopefully, mine stands out as someone you’d like to get to know. Hence my need to make first contact. After what I’ve received, you start to think “Is this all I attract? Really?” So, here I am, putting myself out there for you to make that choice if I’m cool enough to talk to or not.-Smiles-

My profile, it’s a broad overview of what I’m about and who I’m looking for. I hold nothing back and I’m sure that’s what you’re looking for, someone honest about themselves and what they want in life. Were you winded after reading it? –Laughs-

To be honest, I’m taking a shot here emailing you and figured, “WTHeck? Why not!? The worst she can do is:
1. Not reply
or 
2. Tell me “Go take a long walk off a short pier jackass!”

My Mom always told me “Jeffrey, if she likes you and she gives you her number, you call her. Boys call girls sweetheart, girls don’t call boys. It’s only gentlemanly to do so.” My Mom was a genius-Smiles-.

One thing I am up front and direct about is that if you don’t find me to your liking, please notify me of said request. That way, I won’t continue to email you back.

It would be great to hear back from you. I’m just an honest guy looking for a good woman.

Lastly, I’m including my y a h o o I M handle if you’d like to talk outside of this horrid site.

Take care & warmest regards,

Jeffrey
[Location]
Yahoo IM – [removed]
Email – [removed] (It’s…..an old Army nickname…..I can explain later for you-Smiles-)
Band Website: [removed]
Phone number ? No, My Mom always said that “Boys call Girls Jeffrey, they like that. So if you’re comfortable after a bit, it would be great to get yours.
“A dream doesn’t become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work.”-General Colin Powell-“”

Long Distance Continued..

17 May

In order for today’s edition to make sense,  it is important you read my blog entry from yesterday.   Go ahead, I will wait.

Well –  Mr. Algeria certainly wasn’t fed up with me, as I much anticipated.   He informed me that Skype is free, as is Yahoo Messenger.  (Don’t even get me started on Yahoo Messenger..)    I then informed him that I don’t have a webcam, which was total B.S..    He asked if I was interested in a serious relationship with him, and to be honest in my response – so I told him I was not.   He went on his merry way and sent me his original form letter not even a half hour later.

So – pretty boring and not really worthy of a follow-up post..

BUT…   I then got a message from someone today that said this:

“wish i didnt live so far from you your damn cute!!”

Out of curiosity, I clicked his page..  he lives a few cities away from me.  I couldn’t help but laugh out loud.    Oh boy.

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