Can I Be a Fly In Your Brain?

6 May

I’ve said it before and I am sure I will say it again and again.  First messages floor me.   I wish I could be a fly in some people’s brains sometimes.

“sorry I dont have a photo here”

Here is someone apologizing to me, out of nowhere, for something I have never called him out on.   I’ve never been to his profile either.   Could you imagine this in a “real-life” scenario?    Being approached at a bar with the line of “Sorry, I don’t have money here.”    (I would assume not having money at the bar would be about equal to not having a face on your online dating profile?)

Sigh..

“Okay.”

“whats your name?”

I think I may give this guy’s strategy a try sometime..  maybe randomly message someone:  “Sorry I’m a bitch.”    That’s sure to get me a man, right?!

***

Or – the other first message I received today:

“I have an accent and I have 10″ dick. Would you be interested in FWB?”

“No.”

“Are you sure, it could be fun :)”

“I’m sure.”

Sympathy Card

5 May

I don’t care how new you are to online dating,  I don’t think it’s necessary to play it up.   It’s not like being new excuses poor behavior, and it’s not like you are trainable.  It’s a moot point.

Of course, this is only my advice, and you could take or leave it.   But – here is a prime example:

April 4, 2012

“Hi, beautiful. I tried sending you a chat message but it didn’t work. I’m pretty new to this. I like your profile. How are you tonight?”

I didn’t respond to this because of lack of time, and as you all know I think the “How are you?” message is stupid.

Here’s where I prove that you may want to listen to my advice..   One month later on Star Wars Day:

“Hi. I tried sending you a chat message but it didn’t work. I’m pretty new to this. I like your profile! How are you this evening?”

Yeah- so POF neglects to tell you “You’ve tried this message on this chicky before.”   Really,  after a month of online dating,  you can’t be classified as “new to this” anymore.   Even though he probably wasn’t new to it a month ago either.

So – the odd “Sympathy Card” some of you play to guilt us into messaging you back..   Don’t.   Do a little research and message a girl a question about one of her listed hobbies.   For real.

Corny Pickup Line

4 May

This is NOT an okay first message to someone:

“I wish I were a tear so i could start in your eyes, live on your face, and die on your lips.”

Not only is it uber corny,  but if you actually think about it.. it really doesn’t make sense.   Could you picture someone living on your face?  

Also – I can’t be the only one who doesn’t drink my tears..   Shouldn’t it be more along the lines of:  “I wish I were a tear so I could fall from your eyes,  slide down your face and shatter to the ground (or drench your shirt)?”  

Odd Information to Put Out There

3 May

“I never thought that I would have made it to 32 without being married or fathering illegitimate children but I have managed to do both quite successfully”

I understand the not being married bit – although 10 years ago I would have told you I would have been married with at least a kid by now.   The older I get, the more I realize it’s normal to not be married at my age..  heck –  No one on “F.R.I.E.N.D.S”  except Ross was even married until at least half way through.

I guess what gets me is the fathering illegitimate children bit.   While I understand birth control (both the male and female variety)  isn’t 100% guaranteed-  it’s pretty high up there in effectiveness for stopping babies from popping out.   It doesn’t surprise me that he hasn’t fathered illegitimate children.   Unless he doesn’t believe in any sort of protection, and then I could see that being a feat.

Still an interesting thing to say on a dating website…   Hmm..

Way Past the Line

2 May

Haha..  So, OKCupid put THIS guy in my Quiver  (We are a 94% match, 66% friend match, and only a 4% enemy):

Self Summary:

“I have had a ton of success on this site.

Because of this, guys are always asking me for advice on
what to say/do…

So here’s how it works with women:

Look, it all comes down to the fact that women enjoy being given a task to do, no matter who gives it to them, because it makes them feel wanted. This is why you should tell each and every attractive woman you meet to bake you cookies. She’ll joke and put up a fight, but in the end she knows if she doesn’t bake those damn cookies, she’s worthless.

The next step is to make her realize that those cookies would have tasted even better if she had baked them while she was in a skirt. Everyone knows women cook worse when they wear pants. I mean, it’s all about doing a good job, and she needs to understand it’s not okay to half-ass projects. She can do better.

After that step she needs to know how to make a good dinner.
Cookies are great and all, but she’s going to get fat(ter) if she doesn’t make some real food too. Start off simple, because too much might overwhelm her simple brain. Get her to watch Rachel Ray or something – that way she’ll be having fun and feel connected to her own kind. (Just make sure she understands that Rachel Ray only wears pants to lessen her cooking skills, so as not to scare women away from giving it their first shot.)

Also, make sure she wears heels. Heels will make her taller so that she can see deep inside the pots and pans. Plus it will give her legs and ass a better workout, especially when she’s vacuuming while food simmers.

Next, choose who she needs to vote for in the next election. It’s well known that women don’t understand politics. It confuses them and makes them feel awkward. I mean, of course it does, they’re women. So by choosing who to vote for you’re actually being kind to them and relieving a lot of burden and anxiety. After she thanks you, give her a kiss and tell her you want an apple pie. Again, you’re just reinforcing that she’s wanted and appreciated.

This all works. If you think it doesn’t, then you probably haven’t
tried it, so you can’t really argue against it. If you do argue
against it and haven’t tried it, it just means you’re a coward, and that you don’t truly appreciate women.”

Like yesterday, at the end he says something suggesting this rant is really a joke.   But, there really is a point where a joke goes too far, and this has well crossed that line.   There’s a difference between a little playful jab that is clearly a jest than something like this.   If you don’t get to the end of his profile, or if you don’t believe the end of his profile – he’s just a total douchebag.

Even if it is a bunch of bull- it is an interesting theory.  He is right,  women like having something to do.   It makes us feel important.   I don’t exactly know where my thoughts are going with that.. but, it intrigues me nevertheless.

I was going to message him anyway and ask if the messages he gets are all from really pissed off women (He has the red light of death..)  but his mailbox is full and he cannot receive any more messages.

Hmm.. I guess we will never know.

I Weep For New Jersey

1 May

Many thanks to Twitter buddy @sherlockbones for sending me this profile.   I do weep for New Jersey!

First of all.. your online dating screen name should never be syphilispatient.   That’s a recipe for disaster to start with.    Even if it’s meant to be a joke, which “I’m just kidding”  is the most private thing he is willing to admit.

Even so –  His Self Summary is as follows:

Tired of the women, I want a girl. Women are assertive and independent, girls are demure and moldable. Women command respect, girls accept mistreatment. Women are all like “I want a man that’s got his shit together.” Girls are all like “I need a boyfriend.” Women make you work for it. Girls put out because they’re afraid you won’t like them if they don’t. Women trick you into marrying them and then subject you to a lifetime of misery. Girls let you do whatever the hell you want AND bend over backwards trying to please you in the hope that you won’t leave them. So if you’re a girl, not some bitchy ass woman, hit me up.

Although again I would be certain he is probably kidding, as it does say that on his profile – I feel like there at least is a hint of truth to this rambling, and it frightens me a little.   Definitely daring at best.

Then throw in that his only picture is one without his shirt on, and we have ourselves a perfect storm.

Giving your phone number to EVERYONE.

30 Apr

Again for kicks, I logged on to my POF account that lists me as living a few states away.

“Hello hottie. Attractive man here .Dark hair. Blue eyes. Great body .Text me ***-***-****
Ed”

I decided it might a fun project to actually respond to one of these messages, so Ed was the lucky winner.   I sent him a text (Google Voice for the win, folks!):

*

Self proclaimed great body, huh?

Hey. How are you? Name?

Want to see?

I am great. Your message to me called me “Hottie.” I don’t mind going by that.

And no, not in particular. Your message just said to text you.

Have any pics?

You have seen my pics.

Your name on pof?

You don’t know my name on POF? Do you just give your phone number out to everyone?

No I don’t.

Well, then you should know.  So.. you asked me to text you. What do you want?

Where are you from

Maybe you ought to do your homework before requesting someone text you.

Your being difficult. Bye

You’re.

*

Hahaha!   And that’s why giving your phone number out on your initial POF form letter doesn’t work.   Even though he says he doesn’t give it out to everyone he messages,  he has handed it out so many times, he has no idea who I am.

Update:  I think I broke his brain.   Since the texting event occurred, he has messaged me 3 more times within 3 hours..  Twice with his copy and paste message, and the third with a plain “Hello.”    I get that people sometimes forget who they have messaged.. but 4 times within 3 hours?

Who Pays? Part 2.

29 Apr

Okay-  so on the Twitter, I was sent the link to an opinion-piece video about who pays when you go out on a date.    In order for the rest of this post to make sense,  you need to watch the video first.   It’s 4 and a half minutes.   So, go do that and come back:  Click.

Okay..  the more and more I think about this,  the more angry I get about it… and I’m not even a dude!   Now, if you have followed my adventures for awhile, you understand that I have trouble letting people (anyone, really) pay my way… and I understand that’s a bit neurotic on it’s own..    But, this woman is totally degrading guys saying that we do all this stuff to get ready (granted.. we do..)  and all the guy does is show up, and they should be paying for our company.    Bullshit.  I think guys do more than show up..  Sure, they don’t put on makeup.. but don’t girl’s put on makeup, dress nice, and do their hair ANYWAY?   “We wash our hair..”    I’m sorry, and I have long hair too – washing hair is not a difficult task and needs to be done anyway.

I have never been out with someone who looks like they just rolled out of bed.   Ever.   Guys put effort into looking nice as well.   I think they are taking time away from their dog and friends, too.

I totally understand what she is saying about gender roles.   Yes, we are moving to a more equal society – but there are some gender roles still in place.   I get that – but that doesn’t mean when a females goes out on a date that she is necessarily “owed” anything.   I’m not saying that the girl HAS to pay, but I don’t ALWAYS think it’s the guy’s responsibility either.

This video blog says to me that she thinks she’s better than everyone else.. and you know what – maybe she is.   I am friends with a lot of guys, and most guys I know fully expect to pick up the check when they are out on a date.. but I also know that if that girl doesn’t at least offer to pay within the first few dates – she is going to be looked at as a gold-digger.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with at least being able to prove that you aren’t just out for a free meal.  (Because there are girls who do that.)

I think opinions such as hers are what gives girls a bad name.

*

Since Twitter is limited, I will ask the video blogger here, and maybe we can receive the gift of her time with a response:

Do you expect your girlfriends to pay your way when you go out with them- or does that balance out because they spent time washing their hair and putting their face on too?    ..What about guy friends?   Or does everyone just pay for the “gift” of your time?

I would also hope that anytime you go out to eat with your parents that you pay their way, because your Mom at the very least put forth a lot of effort to give you life..  and I would assume both parents changed your diapers for at least 2 years.   

*

My question my readers is:   Am I way off base for being a little irked by this?

Scam.

28 Apr

“Hey u gorgeous, I see u do keep checking my profile, which leads me to that u r in love with me, rn’t u?”

I find this message extremely humorous, because it is a total scam to get girls to respond to him.    I found this message on a profile that I made a long time ago, that I list myself as living about 8 hours away.   I certainly have never looked at his profile..  but,  he knows that.   That’s how he gets girls to respond to him.

Could you just imagine, “OMG, I have NEVER checked out your profile, YOU FREAK!” ???

Online Dating “Match Percentages”

27 Apr

I’ll be honest:  I used to think OKCupid’s match percentage “suggestions” were a bunch of crap.   But, that was when I was young and stupid. (…a few months ago…)

Don’t get me wrong  –  I still don’t fully rely on them.  (Old school dating didn’t ever provide you with likelihood of succeeding numbers..)   But, the more and more I meet people from online, the more I see that the match percentages are pretty fair.   Take #31 for example:  Our match percentage is 94% Match,  78% Friend, and 2% Enemy..  and we get along splendidly.    I think the important part of looking at the match percentages is that you take EVERY one of them into consideration.

I don’t work for OKCupid, and I haven’t read OKCupid’s blog about how they figure out the match percentages..  but, from what I understand it’s based on the questions you answer.   I perceive it like this:   The “Match” percentage seems to be how we’d be in a relationship.  Obviously 80% or higher is probably something you should aim for.    Friendship match and Enemy match numbers are pretty obvious.

No one is every going to have a 100% perfect all around relationship – that is unrealistic.  What I have noticed, though, is that even if I have a higher match percentage with someone,  the friend percentage is more of a tell all for me.  That number cannot be low.    I want to marry my best friend.  (No, J or Velvet.. not you guys..)    I have found that when I talk or meet with people who have a lower friend percentage than what I’d like:   We don’t click.

I have yet to meet with someone who has a higher than normal enemy percentage.   It is in the works for me to do so at some point in the near future, kind of..   I haven’t yet decided at what point an enemy percentage is too high.

..I may just seek out a super high enemy match and suggest a meet up…  (Gun in purse… of course.)

What do you guys think? — Any stories?

 

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