Tag Archives: don’ts for dudes

Are You a 13-year-old Boy?

23 May

I have mentioned before that I work once a week in retail at a niche store for the discount.  Without getting into specifics, because I’m not a fan of stalkers, the product comes in large tins.   This is important to the story.

Last weekend, a group of 13 year old boys came in to the store.  For those of you that don’t know:  13 year old boys are pains in the ass, and I strongly believe we should lock them in a cage until it’s proven they can be appropriate in public.

I have figured it out –  most of my online suitors are like un-chaperoned 13 year old boys.

When they were in the store, the employees working were pawning them off to one another – because we all knew they weren’t going to buy anything and didn’t want to deal with them.  One of the children asked a question, and a co-worker of mine said, “Oh – CatLady will show you over there.”  (Asshole.)

“I would LOVE to show you how that works!”  I said as I grabbed two large tins, and he approached the counter.   As I was bringing them over, the delightful 13 year old boy proclaimed, “Wow, those are big jugs!”  Much like the similar-minded online dating suitors, I took him by surprise when without a beat I responded “Thank you!” 

My co-workers couldn’t contain themselves, and the 13 year old boy seemed surprised that an old bag such as myself understood his clearly disguised remark.  He turned his back to me, and his friends would not make eye contact with me.   This was seriously what I go through online constantly, except it happened in real life — and he was THIRTEEN.  (For the record, I did demand he turn his ass around and listen to the answer to his question..  but they left very quickly after that.)

Maybe next time before sending your creepy message out to a girl, think about whether or not you’d say it to her face.  If you wouldn’t – don’t send it.

Don’t be a 13 year old boy —  13 year old boys don’t get laid.

Tags: , , , , ,

I Won’t Bother You Again

12 May

“hi! nice profile you’re very very beautiful. im interested in meeting you, you seem real down to earth and like a friendly easy going person. we can get to know each other,, im looking to meet an honest, mature, open minded, and down to earth woman to get to know .we might get along i’m very chill and down to earth, laid back guy. you wont be disappointed believe me , im really attracted to you and i wanted to be as honest and direct as possible.. lets try it out ? we have nothing to loose… lets meet ,l think about it, we’re both single, lets take advantage of this opportunity. 😉 you can check out my profile and pictures and hit me up? ..lets get to know each other. if interested write back and let me know what you think? if not then please let me know so i dont stay waiting and wont bother you again, i’ll just move on. no big deal lol. hope to hear from you!! Im sorry for being so honest”

Because I wanted to prove that he is a bold faced liar, and not honest at all:

“Oh.. No thanks. I’m not interested.”

“hey looking for some good healthy protected se.x”

“You said in your first message to me that if I responded that I wasn’t interested, you wouldn’t bother me again. Why are you a liar?”

“Dont you want se.x?”

I totally forgot that I am online dating because I am outrageously horny and absolutely desperate.   How lucky for me that this gentleman has come along! *eye roll*

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Who Says This Stuff!?!?

4 May

Oh, goody!  It’s “Howl at the Moon” time again.  Seriously, if this type of message has either worked on you, or for you-  I would like to interview you at some point on the podcast.  This just makes me shudder:

“Wow very sexy think me and you would have some great fun in and out of the bedroom love a sexy girl and was seeing if you were up to some fun tonight seeing where close by each other drinks and hot kinky play all night ill lick your tight wet kitty till you cream all over my mouth plus i think we’d hit it off have allot of fun on the regular even grab dinner or catch a basketball game just good friends who have allot of fun even take trips =)”

..Punctuation?  What’s that?!..

To this guy, and many many others:  YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!!!!!  Dating is not “If you sleep with me, we might go out to dinner and I might take you to fun things.”   You go out to dinner, and take her to fun things, and IF YOU’RE LUCKY (Haha! Pun!)  you might get some bedroom time.  Keyword:  MIGHT.  —  But probably not.

I still do not get why guys think that messages propositioning a stranger for sex is a good idea.. and why they think she’ll say yes.   If she does say yes, she’s likely crazy, and I thought the saying was “Don’t put your dick in crazy.”  If a woman wants to have sex, she will easily find that opportunity on her own.

Arghghghghghhghghghghgh!!

 

 

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Boob Pockets

22 Apr

Sometimes online dating messages aren’t creepy at all..  but this is NOT one of those times:

“I love you so much I want to take you skin and make it into a jacket.  Ps I would turn your boobs backwards and the would be really big pockets imagine the stuff I could fit into thos puppies!!!!!”

Cats.. I’m going to die alone with lots and lots of cats.

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

And The Oscar Goes To..

19 Apr

This form letter/dating cover letter made me laugh:

“Hi I hope your having a good and blessed week and enjoying this awesome weather  , I’m glad we upgraded on the weather.  It about time lol and I like your profile, it defiantly deserve a oscar lol and also you look amazing in your photos. I’m [Name] by the way :)”

Other than defiantly deserving “a” oscar, this makes me laugh because this “upgrade on the weather” he speaks of?  — 14 inches of snow.  Upgraded..  Ha!

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

How NOT to Win a Girlfriend

17 Apr

I am quite certain that this individual may be single for life:

“Hi. I’m usually not into rubenesque women, nor have I gone steady with a Lutheran, so I would like o say hi; since you’re pretty hot.”

“What?”

(The dictionary tells me that Rubenesque means:  plump or rounded in a pleasing or attractive way.   …Thanks, I guess?)

“Hi.  Thanks for the unusually fast reply. It was very fast. I take it from your response that it’s already late in the night and you’ve got your beer goggles set to stun, not that you need it, so I guess if you could just ad me to your booty call list, and/or rebound list; then I would be happy to get with you at your house at some future time to work on the plumbing or other issues.  I could even order gourmet neopolitan pizza if you so wished or such. Well, thank you for your time and good luck.”

….What?!

Interesting approach.. I would not recommend trying this one at home.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Uffdah – Dontcha Know?

25 Mar

This last week has been a whirlwind.

Sometimes life throws just the most awesome and terrifying lemons at you.

Last Monday, a long-time fan of my blog who happens to know the area in which I reside, suggested on Twitter that I date Ben, a local radio host.  Why?  – I will never know.   I joked back about being nearby (I will not confirm or deny that I may commonly be within walking distance of said radio studio), and the co-host of the show started interacting with me, agreeing that I should meet Ben.  I laughed it off and went about my day, brushing it off.

The next morning,  I woke up to a message from the co-host:

“Can I meet you today?”  (And he specified a location, but not important to the story..)

“Sure.. I’ll be the one with 7 cats.”

“I’ll be the guy with my face.”

I can count on one hand how many times I have been legitimately nervous in my entire life.   I’ve added a finger in the last week.   I don’t have a solid reason why I was nervous, I’ve met plenty of near-strangers before.  I think it was more because I had no idea why a local radio host would want to meet me.

I went to the specified place at the specified time, and met Jack.  He told me about their morning show, and essentially asked me what I thought about coming on the show and talking about my blog.   While part of me inside screamed “HECK YES!” (I mean, my “About Me” says I’m up for radio spots..) another part of me became sick to my stomach.   Doing this would mean giving up a little piece of my anonymity (location, specifically) – and would require me to present my blog to people in my life that I know listen to that station.

The cat’s out of the bag –  I’m in the Minneapolis/St. Paul Twin Cities metro. (Dontcha know?)

Friday morning,  I presented my 5 “Don’t for Dudes” on Up And At ‘Em with Jack and Ben, with a surprise ending.  (I may or may not be asked out.. you’ll have to listen to find out.. and listen this upcoming Friday to hear how it went!)

I think sometimes nerves are a sign that something big is going to happen.  Maybe not.. but if nothing else,  it’s a great story to add to the collection.

Sometimes, instead of throwing life’s lemons back, you need to attempt to put some vodka in those suckers.  Take a chance — Life’s much more fun that way.

Tags: , , , ,

Newer Entries →