Tag Archives: online dating messages

My Favorite Position

23 Jul

I was starting to think for awhile that my blog had finally worked, and the world was free of stupid online dating messages..  But, apparently the weirdos were just on hiatus.

“What’s your favorite position?”

I know what you’re thinking.. He couldn’t possibly be asking what it sounded like.

“Hmm..  Well, I enjoyed my time in management.”   (CatLady Fun Fact:  I used to work in management.)

“Lol”

I gave him a little bit of time to be more clever than that.. but, when I realized that wasn’t going to happen:

“Oh!  I’m sorry.  I think I misunderstood your question.  My REAL answer is:  It’s a tie between Quarterback and Tight End.”  

“Lmao!”

Might I please express my strong dislike for stupid responses such as “LOL” and “LMAO”?   I am trying to have a conversation here.

“I’m glad you’re amused.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you”

 

Weird…  Anger Font strikes again.   Oh well.   Next!

 

 

 

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Out-Witted

29 Jun

For those of you that got to hear my segment on Up And At “Em with Jack and Ben last week, you already know I received this as a first online dating message:

“Girl are you a tube of pillsbury cinnamon rolls because I want to bang you on the counter.”

I’ll give the guy this:  I laughed out loud..  loudly.

For those of you who I know are going to comment that I should date this guy…  I can’t.    The reasons are three-fold.

1)  He’s too young for me.

2)  He lives too far away.

and probably most importantly:

3)  He is way funnier than I am, and I am very distraught that I have been unable to craft an equally hilarious response.

 

 

 

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Extremely Kinky

27 Jun

“Hey how’s it going?  Saw your profile and wanted to say hello and see if you felt like chatting at all.  If you want to feel free to message me back!  Also if you don’t mind me asking but what’s the most private thing you’ve done.  I mean that sexually.  I only want to know because I am an extremely kinky person.”

“How very kind of you to grant me permission to respond to you if I so desired!  You should be given a medal for your chivalry!  — If I shared with you the most private thing I have done sexually, I am afraid it wouldn’t be private anymore, and I just can’t have that.  But, I must comment on the rarity of your type.  A 22 year old male who considers himself kinky?!  Unheard of!”

“Thanks.  Well I’m extremely kinky.”

And perhaps extremely stupid, as well, as he proceeded to ask if I would do things to him with a strap-on.  (I’ll be the first to admit I’m probably not the kinkiest person on the planet… but.. is that really an “extremely kinky” request?   I mean, I’ve definitely had weirder requests.)

But, seriously, you guys..  I HAVE FOUND THE ONLY KINKY 22 YEAR OLD MALE ALIVE!   Do I get a prize?

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Actually – I Have Seven.

23 Jun

“Pussy!”

“Did you just call me a pussy?”

“Just saying you have one and I bet it’s wonderful.”

 

I would challenge this individual to try this method of picking up girls in public, and to film said attempt for my viewing pleasure.    Or ladies, perhaps try the opposite by messaging, or approaching someone and yelling “DICK!”   Bet they wouldn’t be on the defense at all.

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Shorthand Text

12 Jun

I get that when it comes to smart phones, texting and social media – shorthand can be helpful, and sometimes necessary.  But shortening up every word seems as though it would take a lot of work, is difficult to read, and makes you appear uneducated.

“u look to good”

“Thank you.”   (Why I bothered, I have no idea..)

“but i really need to get to no u

can u b my good looking friend”

“You also really need to learn how to spell.. No offense.”

“i no mhow to spell i just dont like textn words so i shortn umup”

You will not convince me for one second that it would have taken longer to actually write/type out these words.  If he was on a smartphone, which, if “sent from mobile” is any indication.. I am sure auto-correct was attempting to have a hay-day with this nonsense.

“so wats good wit u iam not about to act all proper to tlk to u”

What!?   Fellas –  you can’t tell a girl that you HAVE to get to “no” her, and then essentially tell her that you’re not going to play by her rules to do so.   Not that I ever said that he had to “act all proper” to talk to me, but if he’s going to make my brain hurt to interact with him – No thanks.

…He “doesn’t like to text words“…

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Did You Write That Yourself?

7 Jun

“Hit me back, just to chat, let’s make some plans, its in your hands.  If you swiped the wrong way, its okay, just let me know and I’ll go away.  Your beautiful, just give the chance, could be romance.  Never know, let’s just give it a go.  Get to know each other, that’s the only way to know, its destinies fate, so don’t hate, hit me back, just to chat!”

Uhhhh…….

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Salad Tossing and Insults.

31 May

**I ought to clarify that my lovely podcast co-host informed me what “Salad Tossing” actually means…  This guy was not into salad tossing – or at least not that I know of..   I’m so dumb sometimes!**

Internet dating is so amusing, and I get closer to taking the leap and adopting a cat every single day.   When I told this online dater “No” for the third and final time,  he demanded that I at least insult him in a creative way.  If that wasn’t asking to be put on my blog, I don’t know what is:

“Your masks freak me out.  But I’d like to go down on you”

I really wasn’t sure what to respond to that.  Two very different, and two very bold statements.  I chose to reference one, and not the other.

“Given that I am not wearing any masks in my photos, it’s apparently my face that freaks you out.”

“So when can I hit it?”

Smoooth, dude.

“Never.”

“That’s too bad.  I eat pussy like no one you’ve ever met.”

“You don’t know that.”  (I can only imagine you guys don’t all get together and dish about how awesome you are at “dinner beneath the bridge”… but, I’ve been wrong before..?   But, I could easily argue that this gentleman has never met everyone I’ve ever met, nor know the quality of their bedroom skills. I know I certainly don’t.)

“Well I know I’m good.  I have references”

“I would assume such a thing is subjective.”

“I’ll let you be the judge”

“No thanks.”

For those of you men who think this might be a good technique for you to use.. I’d recommend stopping at this point, and not go on as this fool did.

“I can guarantee satisfaction”

“No you can’t.”

“Well you must be a dyke.  Happy hunting”

Right… if all else fails, attempt to insult her.. That should work.

“Well, naturally, any female that doesn’t want you is a lesbian.”

“Do you want me to tongue punch your dick mitten or not?”

I give up.

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Are You a 13-year-old Boy?

23 May

I have mentioned before that I work once a week in retail at a niche store for the discount.  Without getting into specifics, because I’m not a fan of stalkers, the product comes in large tins.   This is important to the story.

Last weekend, a group of 13 year old boys came in to the store.  For those of you that don’t know:  13 year old boys are pains in the ass, and I strongly believe we should lock them in a cage until it’s proven they can be appropriate in public.

I have figured it out –  most of my online suitors are like un-chaperoned 13 year old boys.

When they were in the store, the employees working were pawning them off to one another – because we all knew they weren’t going to buy anything and didn’t want to deal with them.  One of the children asked a question, and a co-worker of mine said, “Oh – CatLady will show you over there.”  (Asshole.)

“I would LOVE to show you how that works!”  I said as I grabbed two large tins, and he approached the counter.   As I was bringing them over, the delightful 13 year old boy proclaimed, “Wow, those are big jugs!”  Much like the similar-minded online dating suitors, I took him by surprise when without a beat I responded “Thank you!” 

My co-workers couldn’t contain themselves, and the 13 year old boy seemed surprised that an old bag such as myself understood his clearly disguised remark.  He turned his back to me, and his friends would not make eye contact with me.   This was seriously what I go through online constantly, except it happened in real life — and he was THIRTEEN.  (For the record, I did demand he turn his ass around and listen to the answer to his question..  but they left very quickly after that.)

Maybe next time before sending your creepy message out to a girl, think about whether or not you’d say it to her face.  If you wouldn’t – don’t send it.

Don’t be a 13 year old boy —  13 year old boys don’t get laid.

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The Whiskey Break-Dancer

20 May

I’m not saying this first online dating message is terrible..  It’s definitely unique, and could use a few minor tweaks..  But, interesting nevertheless:

“I have a batman shirt with a cape, and just to keep my boss in check I will show up in it instead of my uniform.  I once told I might have to leave early if I see my bat signal.  My last girlfriend was Carmen San Diego, and she left me for Waldo.

 She has my lava lamp, and I WANT it back but can’t find either of them.  I’m a free spirited guy, who follows his intuition.  I damn near cried laughing reading your profile, and it made my day.

 When I WAS 3 years old I played peek a boo with a cup and my penis.  

I still play, it’s just a bigger cup.  

I breakdance when I drink whiskey.  Which translates to I break furniture when I dance.  

I am studying to be a winner, because my parents didn’t raise a loser haha.  

What are your thoughts on people who block the whole aisle in a grocery store??”

I’m a little confused as to why he thought my profile was so funny – It’s actually pretty straight-laced.   If he could make it a little more specific, and remove the odd peek-a-boo game he felt so inclined to share – he might have a bit more luck.

I’ll give him this though:  Grocery aisle blocking is a problem, and might be what’s wrong with this world.  😉

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I Won’t Bother You Again

12 May

“hi! nice profile you’re very very beautiful. im interested in meeting you, you seem real down to earth and like a friendly easy going person. we can get to know each other,, im looking to meet an honest, mature, open minded, and down to earth woman to get to know .we might get along i’m very chill and down to earth, laid back guy. you wont be disappointed believe me , im really attracted to you and i wanted to be as honest and direct as possible.. lets try it out ? we have nothing to loose… lets meet ,l think about it, we’re both single, lets take advantage of this opportunity. 😉 you can check out my profile and pictures and hit me up? ..lets get to know each other. if interested write back and let me know what you think? if not then please let me know so i dont stay waiting and wont bother you again, i’ll just move on. no big deal lol. hope to hear from you!! Im sorry for being so honest”

Because I wanted to prove that he is a bold faced liar, and not honest at all:

“Oh.. No thanks. I’m not interested.”

“hey looking for some good healthy protected se.x”

“You said in your first message to me that if I responded that I wasn’t interested, you wouldn’t bother me again. Why are you a liar?”

“Dont you want se.x?”

I totally forgot that I am online dating because I am outrageously horny and absolutely desperate.   How lucky for me that this gentleman has come along! *eye roll*

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