Soon2BeCatLady

So, Catlady fans, Velvet here has a rant. And because Catlady loves me, she lets me rant to you. My apologies in advance…

We have mentioned before that I am a bit older than her. Because of this, my dating “age window” is older than hers. In conversations and Twitter threads and talking to friends and such, I know that there is a thought that when it comes to dating, supposedly there is a magical age when we all become more mature and less likely to seek drama, men and women alike supposedly become more self-aware and able to really be present in a relationship in their late 20s and early 30s. Gone are the days of playing games to see if he/she really loves you, and everyone knows what they are looking for, they just haven’t found it yet. (disclaimer: I get that there are exceptions to this rule, so if you are super mature and you are 22 years old, don’t bother with your pissed off message. You are the exception, not the rule.) So, given that I am 37, one would think that I have probably passed the years where I have to deal with at least that particular kind of crap, right? HAHA! That’s what YOU think!

The other day I was pondering some of the men I have gone out with in the past, trying to figure out some patterns to see if I could maybe avoid some future train wrecks, and I discovered a BRAND NEW RULE!!!

So what is this BRAND NEW RULE, you ask?

There is an expiration date on this maturity. Keep in mind, I am basing an entire rule on 2 people, but rules start somewhere, right? Besides, I said it was a new rule, I didn’t say it was a rational one.

I have dated 2 men who are 51 years old. That’s right, not 50, not 52…51 years old. I think that something happens to men when they are still single (or single again…) at that magical age. They become emotionally 14 years old. Between those two men, I have experienced:

-Two-day-rage-filled-drinking-bender

-Notes hidden in public phone booths (hehe-we all know who THIS is, huh??)

-Tantrum in a public place, complete with stomping out of said place

-Passive aggressive Facebook posts saying emo things like “I learned my lesson”, “I have no one who cares” and my favorite: “Guess I know I should never trust again”.

-An entire group of people being fed lies to the point I was threatened to have my ass kicked (did I mention I am THIRTY SEVEN YEARS OLD!!)

-Stalker texts numbering in the double digits in one day

-Proclamations of love and undying devotion WELL before it was appropriate or welcome. Or sane. (after one date, and after about 2 weeks)

And the list goes on. Seriously, folks, I think I may be onto something here. And this might be 51 year old women too, but I can’t know that. All I know is that no matter how much longer I am single, I will NEVER date a 51 year old man again.

Best to familiarize yourself with this gem before reading further.

Despite every part of my soul wanting to reschedule this appointment with a different doctor – I decided to keep it, because I had a suspicion this could make for a good story.

Now, before I get any further – in case any of my male readers don’t fully understand what happens at the gynecologist, and why I was now even more mortified to go..  Allow me to explain.   Every year, us girls go in for our annual “physical”   which consists of talking to our doctor, donning a paper robe and putting our feet up in stirrups so the doctor can take a good look at the plumbing.   And by “a good look”  I mean so much as to put a metal clamp up there,  open it up, scrap the insides with a long toothpick and also take a feel around.  While you might think this could be a pleasant experience – I assure you, it’s not.  We also have to whip the girls out and doc feels around to make sure there are no questionable lumps, etc.

I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to say at this appointment..  but,  luckily I am quick on my feet.

“So, CatLady,  are you sexually active?”  (This is a normal question..)

“Well, I’m no porn star.”

That comment caught him off guard, and he asked what I meant.

“Oh, sorry..  Just a joke.  I’m trying the whole ‘online dating’ thing and a guy sent me a message about a week ago asking me if I was a porn star.”  And then I raised my eyebrow, with a smile, of course.

His face immediately turned a color red that I have never seen before.

“Oh.. well.. That’s…… awkward.”

“Yeah, it was.  I think he’s a doctor, too… But, no.. no new sexual partners to report..  I’m not a porn star.”

“Okay.   I will leave the room while you undress.  Hop up on the table when you are ready and I will be back momentarily.”

I undressed,  put on my paper gown and sat on the table.  Per the usual,  there was some waiting around, and I started planning my next move to make Dr. Dumbass as uncomfortable as possible.   There was a knock at the door, and a female doctor came it.

“Hi, CatLady.   Dr. Dumbass had a phone call he needed to take, and asked me to take care of your examination today.”

Hahaha!!  Of course he did..  The new doctor was very nice, and she even told me that Dr. Dumbass mentioned that I was trying online dating.  Fighting back laughter, she told me that she’s glad I haven’t reached porn star status.  I have a feeling she isn’t going to let him live this down anytime soon.

Oh well, I was going to tell him that it was high time we see other people anyway.

Because I like to see how people’s minds work – I asked my Twitter followers today to give me a list of pros and cons of going back to one’s ex.  The majority of my responses included something along the lines of, “There are no pros to doing such a thing.”

If there are no pros to going back to someone – Why do so many of us do it, or consider doing it?  (Although, I would argue there has to be some sort of pro.. I am not claiming to know what it is.)

I think there are several types of “Getting Back Together” reasons.    There are reasons that would permit me to give it a try, and there are reasons to make me avoid it like the plague.    I have watched numerous people I know attempt the “Let’s try it again” avenue, and I will be the first to say that the success rate is low.

I really liked what my Twitter follower @thebitchdesk had to say on the matter:   “#OldLadyAdvice The problems that were there initially don’t go away. You either accept/deal or are unhappy again.”     I think this defines it nicely.   If you can accept your ex’s faults, I think it’s okay to proceed.

This topic sparked my interest because I saw a “Some E Card” that said:   “How did we manage to stay together for 65 years?   —  Because we were born in a time when if something was broken we would fix it, not throw it away.”    It’s a valid point..  at some point,  our culture turned into a lazy one –  It seems we all want everything without having to work for it.   I know of no romantic relationship that is easy.

So – why do we humor the idea?   Perhaps because we know that, although rare, it might work out and we want to try and beat the odds?  Perhaps because we didn’t realize what we had until it was gone?

If it’s because you are lonely or horny –  My advice is steer clear.

Let’s discuss!

**Edit:  I also want to add in that I keep hearing “People don’t change.”   I disagree.   While, there are some truths to us that do not and will not change – I don’t think that people initially meet someone and are lying about who they are.  You fell for the person for a reason, right?**

One reason why I think online dating is just so difficult (aside from we are allowed to be extra picky..)  is that we are attempting to choose a partner based on interests.  I am going to be bold and say:  Someone’s interests really won’t make or break a relationship.

I have a friend I met a few years ago, through another friend, actually..  and our interests are aligned almost 100%.    We have the same career, both were in the same after-school activities, and both have the same passion for cheesy Disney movies.   (He even left me a singing voicemail once, with my favorite Disney song.)

If someone had written down all of his interests, snapped a photo and handed it me when I was in high school – I am pretty sure I would have immediately declared my love for him.   To this day, when I talk about him – I tell people that on paper, he is absolutely perfect for me.  (Aside from never ever ever ever ever wanting kids..)

Here’s the thing, though…  He annoys the shit out of me.   Don’t get me wrong,  we’re friends and all.. but I can only handle him in small doses.   He’s on OKCupid, and again, on paper, he is almost exactly what I want… Or what I think I want.  But he is NOT what I want.

My ex-boyfriend, who I loved dearly, and I didn’t really have many similar interests – but our personalities meshed well, and people found us to be a good fit.  My friend has every interest of mine, and his personality drives me crazy.

What I am trying to say is:  Don’t rule someone out because of their interests.. You just don’t know.

Can we be real for a minute, here?

Guys –  Why would you think posting a picture of you with a kid is a good idea?   First of all,  any girl looking at it will immediately conclude the child is yours.   (And especially if the kid in the picture appears to be under a day old, I am steering clear..)  Obviously, if the child is yours,  I get it..  still a dumb idea, in my opinion.. But, whatever.

What about those of you who post pictures of you with your nieces or nephews?  …Do you know their mother (your sibling) will probably lose her shit when she finds out you have her pride and joy on a dating website for all us wackos to see?     (…I think that could even be illegal…)

But CatLady..  how do I express that I like kids if I don’t show you myself interacting with them?!   Why not write that you love spending time with your nieces and nephews?  Or, more specifically “I love watching THE WIGGLES with my nieces and nephews.”   That, to me,  would say you get kid stuff.

Babies are chick-magnets.. Totally..  just not online.  If you want that magic to work, you got to take them out in public so they can do your flirting for you..  and, as you know, you play up that the baby get’s all his or her charm from Uncle [Insert Your Name Here].    (And personally, if you then starting singing “Elmo Song”,  I will turn to putty in an instant.)

Sometimes I should not be allowed in public.

Velvet and I had some business to attend to this evening, and decided along the way that we were craving some pizza.   So, we stopped at my favorite pizza place of all time, and ordered our pizza.

While paying, my phone made a noise indicating I had a notification.  It was OKCupid.   Because I forget that sometimes Velvet and I are not the only people on the planet, I said “OH BOY!!  BlackVooDoo is NEARBY.. RIGHT NOW!!!”  to which Velvet immediately responded back, “What the hell kind of name is BlackVooDoo?!”

We sit down to wait for our pizza, when I decide to look up Mr. VooDoo.  He looked awfully familiar..   Oh.. yeah… see the guy behind the counter who took our money, with the bright red face?   The one that immediately ran into the back as soon as I looked back up at him?  Yeah.. that guy..   Oddly enough he was neither black or nor seemed like a voo-doo doer.

I hand my phone over to Velvet, who luckily immediately catches on.   Let’s just say the next 15 minutes were probably the most uncomfortable times ever.  (Where do I look?  Where do I look?!)