Soon2BeCatLady

Coming as a first message, this is a little intense and weird:

“you know it’s a real shame that we met here… because im sure that outside of this you’re really fun and interesting person and I know that I am too…. but people can never really be themselves online… I mean, look around you… its guys trying to be super confident and girls trying to be super b`tchy… interesting thing is, someone like you is probably cautious at first… which is cool once people get to know you… its just that no one really gets that far

I live my life a certain way…. I try to see the beauty in everything and believe that beauty is often bred from tragedy…. and unlike most, I believe that people in this world are inherently GOOD…and I do my best to see that good in everyone–even if I have to look hard to find it… I put my trust out there and always give the benefit of the doubt… and if I see their best intentions…. they are going to want to live up to it… people will rise to the occasion”

I hate that people consider sending someone a message (or even conversing with them online) “meeting” someone.   I have met people that I talked with online that I was very compatible with online through written word, but not through spoken word.   I think in the online stages, you merely know of the person, and don’t actually know them.

“I was looking through my holiday list and your name doesn’t have a note on if you were naughty or nice this year…so, if you’ve been good I’ll come down your chimney and stuff your stocking for X-mas, but if you’ve been naughty you’ll just have to settle for a spanking from me.”

Yeah..  I’m sure he’d gladly stuff my stocking.   Probably even if I’ve been naughty.   Why do these guys think messages like this are clever?

Oh-  I love the holidays.

In case things get busy and I don’t get around to posting – I’d like to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas.   I’m very lucky to have you as a reader, and appreciate you laughing along with me (or at me, I may never know..)

Seriously.. sometimes I swear there are times that all the boys go and howl at the moon…  I think it goes without saying that these messages went without a response.

“Message me your so sexy I’m young an I can be your dirty little boy 😉 btw UR picture looks like uv been naughty its making my huge dick stif an precum!!”

Okay.. that was just gross AND grammatically incorrect.

The next is grammatically alright..

“Nice tits….now let me see ’em​”

…but he didn’t say please.  (As if that would help.)

Velvet here with a truly magnificent wonderland of insanity…

I received a message from POF the other day that made me laugh. Really really hard. And part of me wants to respond, but I value my skin and kind of like it where it is.

“Could I interest you in a leotard breakfast? This is where we both wear long sleeve leotards under T-shirts and we meet up at a Perkins or Denny’s and I buy you breakfast. Nothing more.”

Okay, that is just funny. I don’t care who you are. And it immediately brought a few questions to mind. What if I don’t wear a T-shirt over the leotard? Is that a deal breaker? And why not IHOP? What about brunch, or an early dinner?

I (of course) had to read his profile. Some highlights:

He is 6’5″ (Not terrifying AT ALL) and has a Bachelor’s degree in programming. He is separated, and his profile picture is a close up self-portrait of him with a rather unattractive female. He is open to having children (NOOOOOOO!!!!!) and has been in at least one relationship longer than 6 years. But here’s the effed up cherry on top of the wackadoodle sundae:

“Looking for someone who would like to come to my house and get tied up in straightjacket or other restraints and get hugged (cuddling), get a foot massage, or just hang out.”

*blink*

Literally speechless.

I can’t believe I have to do this..

“HEY IMMA SAY THAT IF UR VAGINA WAS IN MY MOUTH U WLD LOVE ME FOREVER! (IM BEIN A DICK CUZ BEIN NICE HASN’T GOTTIN ME ANYWHERE). 🙂 ​”

First of all…. Dawg…  Online dating is NOT the place for ebonics.  Fo’ shizzle.  Not that there is a ton of it… but “Imma”… Really?  I weep for the future.

Secondly, and probably most importantly..  I’m pretty sure you can’t put a vagina in your mouth..  because really, it’s internal.  There’s a lot of other crazy names for the stuff that is external, that I am not going to get into, because I am not your fucking health teacher.

And – no… girls will not love you forever for that..  What you are referring to is easy to come by.  (no pun intended.. just a funny coincidence.)

“Hello there,
I am not really sure about the whole online dating scene but you seem like you’d be fun and who knows. My job keeps me busy so it’s hard to meet good quality people. I do laughing and enjoy making others laugh as well…I like your laid back and honest approach; you seem to have a good heart and head upon your shoulders, so I wanted to say hi and introduce myself…

As for me well I’m a midget, so doesn’t leave me many options but I’m sure in time you will learn to love me; Don’t assume that just because I’m short (3’5) that I can’t bring much to the table. Even if the truth were told and the only six pack I have is that of Heineken that resides in my Fridge, but I am working on it.

Honestly, I’m single 39 years old, 5’9 172lbs and Fit. I work hard and I play hard, but do enjoy downtime too, a good movie or book and I’m a happy camper. I enjoy spending time with my family, friends and always up for adventure. When I’m not knocking over liquor store or stealing candy from babies, I’m usually and about and enjoying the day or eve somewhere… I am truly looking for a good lady who wants a true relationship that is fun and sees where it leads….”

Really?  You’re dealing me a form letter and pretending to be a midget?  What if someone in my family was a midget, or my best friend?.. (Not Velvet, of course.. we’ve already established that she’s 9 feet tall.)   I’m just saying,  that’s a risky move.

However.. I will go on record to say that this guy is kind-of short..  (Again, nothing against short guys.. As a short girl,  you’re pretty much guaranteed to be taller than me, so height isn’t an issue with me..)  and maybe this is his way of getting someone to overlook it.  “Well, at least he isn’t a midget..” ??

I don’t know..  I got nothing.  What do you think?

(Also.. how does one “do” laughing?)

My Twitter buddy @sarahrosangela tweeted today that she got a message from a 23 year old gentleman which said:

“I would talk at you but you 26, dats old as fuck.”

That’s some pretty harsh talk for a 23 year old, who probably only has about 2.5 good years left in him before he’s as old as fuck too.   Then we need to take into consideration that when he isn’t offending the “elderly” – he likes to talk at people. This will be his downfall in life until he realizes that for relationships to work, you need to talk to or with someone.

But wait- There’s more!   Sarah was kind enough to send me a link to his profile, which was amusing as well..  Here are the Cat Lady Favorites:

“Still new but this sites pretty cool, some funny ass people.”  Oh my dear, if only you knew that you were one of them..

“Anyway about me, growing up i was the only straight guy in a all gay high school and the kids would tease me and yell out things like “Hey [Username], where you going to go get some pussy?!”    His poor Mom was trying to save the female population by sending him to an “all gay” school..  Lucky for the gay males of the world, her plan didn’t work.

“I’m always giving advice
p.s. I love learning from the mistake of others who take my advice.”  Glad to hear he realizes his own advice is not rock solid.

“No creepers please”  I really really really want to know what type of person he considers to be a “creeper.”

And perhaps my favorite:

“why not mess with Okcupid before it’s too late to have a social life..”  You know.. age 26..

Oh.. and he’s looking for females between the ages of 18 and 27…  So, apparently, he’s willing to talk at ladies older than fuck.

“Oh, sweet lady, 
with your face like a cream oval, 
and your nose like a delicious slope of cream. 
Your ears, like cream flaps, 
and your teeth, like hard, shiny pegs of cream. “

I don’t get it.