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Spell bounding

12 May

Oh you boys and your creative adjectives.   Plenty of Fish rarely lets me down.  I changed my profile on POF to say,  “All I am looking for is someone to shovel my driveway in the winter, and to mow the lawn in the summer – is that really too much to ask?”  

Apparently it’s not…

“Hi beautiful lady..How are you doing today? I came across your profile and trust me it was spell bounding. I couldn’t resist to know more about you.”

Apparently me wanting a man to do man chores is spell bounding.

However-  I did the same experiment on OKCupid, and I am not getting quite as many messages as before.   More proof behind if you are somewhat intelligent and actually looking for a relationship – OKCupid is the better site to be on.   POF is full of dudes without their shirt on – telling girls who don’t like “man work” that they are spell bounding.

 

This Guy Totally Understands Me.

10 May

I love when I come across someone who just speaks to me.

You Should Message Me If:

You have fingers and a keyboard.

I am strongly attracted to intelligence. If you can’t properly distinguish between your and you’re(and yore, if you speak in Old English), its and it’s , or can’t compose a complete sentence, I likely will not respond. Also, if I see that you answered “The Earth” on the “Which object is bigger?” match question… don’t bother to message me. I won’t respond, and I’ll likely write a strongly worded letter to your middle school science teachers.

::Note:: If you can distinguish between your, you’re and yore, AND speak in Old English, I may be impressed. Or incredibly freaked out. Scribe ye at thine own risk.

If you feel you satisfy the aforementioned requirements, message away!

 

Oh my goodness- the fact that anyone ever answers the question “Which is larger:  The Earth, or the Sun?”   with The Earth just floors me.    Really?   We see our neighbor planet Venus looking like an extra shiny star,  but the sun is smaller than we are?

The Secret – How To Get Girls To Look at YOUR Profile.

9 May

I will go on record to say that this is a somewhat intoxicated posting tonight.

I will also go on record to say that while I think animals are neat, I have learned recently that I am not really an animal person.   I can almost say with confidence that my future cats will most definitely be imaginary ones that require no maintenance.

Guys always complain to me that no one looks at their profile.    Do you want that to change?   Take a picture with a kitten, a puppy – or any fluffy creature preferably of the small (baby) variety.    Seriously.

If I see a picture of a guy holding or interacting with a puppy, or a kitten.. I swear I will click that page EVERY time.    It can’t be a picture of JUST the kitten or the puppy..  OKCupid frowns upon that, and that won’t get me to click.  You want us associating “OMG SO CUTE!!” with you in the photo as well.. trust me.  Interaction is key!!

Why?  Because maternal instinct kicks in.   Girls, most girls anyway,  LOVE babies.   (Don’t post a picture of you with a baby though,  we will think it’s yours..)    If you have a picture of you snuggling with a cute little kitten,  the blinking light of “father potential!!” turns on.   Even if we don’t want kids now, or ever… most of us are wired this way.

Ladies.. tell me.. is this not the CUTEST thing ever (used with permission):

Seriously.. you don’t need to have your own.. just borrow one for a photo.  It will work.

Online Dating “Rules”

7 May

While I could and will easily argue that the “rules” for dating in general are kind of stupid..  (or perhaps games..)   It kind of bugs me that online dating seemingly doesn’t really have any established rules.

Let’s say I am talking to someone online, and for lack of a better term, we are hitting it off.   We meet in person, it appears to go well, but we both still keep our accounts.   Does that mean that the date didn’t go well?   I understand going out on a date doesn’t mean exclusivity.. but, at that point, don’t you start to wonder how many other people the other party is talking to?

When do you get to the point where you disable or delete your account?   None of that is really established.   For me, blog aside,  I wouldn’t be the first to delete my account, because then I would never know if he disabled or deleted his.   And, he could very well think the same thing.

After I suggested to a guy on POF that no one reads profiles (back in the day where my profile flat out said “I don’t live even close to your area..”)  after he asked me to meet up several times..  He suggested the website was frustrating because after he’d meet up with girls, they would keep their account active and log on.

I guess it’s difficult for me to come to terms with because I am a very loyal person.   If I am truly interested,  I would not go out with other people.   (When the time comes when I should be deleting my account,  the future boyfriend and I will need to have a discussion about the blog and figure that out..)   But, even so,  anytime that I have met up with someone, even if it was once –  if they then later messaged me on the online dating website,  I took it as “Well, he’s not entirely sold on the idea of [CatLady].  I guess it didn’t go that well.”

Are there any established “rules” for online dating that I am unaware of?   I would love to be enlightened.

Sorry..  just a rant tonight.   Have a good Monday everyone!

 

Can I Be a Fly In Your Brain?

6 May

I’ve said it before and I am sure I will say it again and again.  First messages floor me.   I wish I could be a fly in some people’s brains sometimes.

“sorry I dont have a photo here”

Here is someone apologizing to me, out of nowhere, for something I have never called him out on.   I’ve never been to his profile either.   Could you imagine this in a “real-life” scenario?    Being approached at a bar with the line of “Sorry, I don’t have money here.”    (I would assume not having money at the bar would be about equal to not having a face on your online dating profile?)

Sigh..

“Okay.”

“whats your name?”

I think I may give this guy’s strategy a try sometime..  maybe randomly message someone:  “Sorry I’m a bitch.”    That’s sure to get me a man, right?!

***

Or – the other first message I received today:

“I have an accent and I have 10″ dick. Would you be interested in FWB?”

“No.”

“Are you sure, it could be fun :)”

“I’m sure.”

Odd Information to Put Out There

3 May

“I never thought that I would have made it to 32 without being married or fathering illegitimate children but I have managed to do both quite successfully”

I understand the not being married bit – although 10 years ago I would have told you I would have been married with at least a kid by now.   The older I get, the more I realize it’s normal to not be married at my age..  heck –  No one on “F.R.I.E.N.D.S”  except Ross was even married until at least half way through.

I guess what gets me is the fathering illegitimate children bit.   While I understand birth control (both the male and female variety)  isn’t 100% guaranteed-  it’s pretty high up there in effectiveness for stopping babies from popping out.   It doesn’t surprise me that he hasn’t fathered illegitimate children.   Unless he doesn’t believe in any sort of protection, and then I could see that being a feat.

Still an interesting thing to say on a dating website…   Hmm..

Way Past the Line

2 May

Haha..  So, OKCupid put THIS guy in my Quiver  (We are a 94% match, 66% friend match, and only a 4% enemy):

Self Summary:

“I have had a ton of success on this site.

Because of this, guys are always asking me for advice on
what to say/do…

So here’s how it works with women:

Look, it all comes down to the fact that women enjoy being given a task to do, no matter who gives it to them, because it makes them feel wanted. This is why you should tell each and every attractive woman you meet to bake you cookies. She’ll joke and put up a fight, but in the end she knows if she doesn’t bake those damn cookies, she’s worthless.

The next step is to make her realize that those cookies would have tasted even better if she had baked them while she was in a skirt. Everyone knows women cook worse when they wear pants. I mean, it’s all about doing a good job, and she needs to understand it’s not okay to half-ass projects. She can do better.

After that step she needs to know how to make a good dinner.
Cookies are great and all, but she’s going to get fat(ter) if she doesn’t make some real food too. Start off simple, because too much might overwhelm her simple brain. Get her to watch Rachel Ray or something – that way she’ll be having fun and feel connected to her own kind. (Just make sure she understands that Rachel Ray only wears pants to lessen her cooking skills, so as not to scare women away from giving it their first shot.)

Also, make sure she wears heels. Heels will make her taller so that she can see deep inside the pots and pans. Plus it will give her legs and ass a better workout, especially when she’s vacuuming while food simmers.

Next, choose who she needs to vote for in the next election. It’s well known that women don’t understand politics. It confuses them and makes them feel awkward. I mean, of course it does, they’re women. So by choosing who to vote for you’re actually being kind to them and relieving a lot of burden and anxiety. After she thanks you, give her a kiss and tell her you want an apple pie. Again, you’re just reinforcing that she’s wanted and appreciated.

This all works. If you think it doesn’t, then you probably haven’t
tried it, so you can’t really argue against it. If you do argue
against it and haven’t tried it, it just means you’re a coward, and that you don’t truly appreciate women.”

Like yesterday, at the end he says something suggesting this rant is really a joke.   But, there really is a point where a joke goes too far, and this has well crossed that line.   There’s a difference between a little playful jab that is clearly a jest than something like this.   If you don’t get to the end of his profile, or if you don’t believe the end of his profile – he’s just a total douchebag.

Even if it is a bunch of bull- it is an interesting theory.  He is right,  women like having something to do.   It makes us feel important.   I don’t exactly know where my thoughts are going with that.. but, it intrigues me nevertheless.

I was going to message him anyway and ask if the messages he gets are all from really pissed off women (He has the red light of death..)  but his mailbox is full and he cannot receive any more messages.

Hmm.. I guess we will never know.

I Weep For New Jersey

1 May

Many thanks to Twitter buddy @sherlockbones for sending me this profile.   I do weep for New Jersey!

First of all.. your online dating screen name should never be syphilispatient.   That’s a recipe for disaster to start with.    Even if it’s meant to be a joke, which “I’m just kidding”  is the most private thing he is willing to admit.

Even so –  His Self Summary is as follows:

Tired of the women, I want a girl. Women are assertive and independent, girls are demure and moldable. Women command respect, girls accept mistreatment. Women are all like “I want a man that’s got his shit together.” Girls are all like “I need a boyfriend.” Women make you work for it. Girls put out because they’re afraid you won’t like them if they don’t. Women trick you into marrying them and then subject you to a lifetime of misery. Girls let you do whatever the hell you want AND bend over backwards trying to please you in the hope that you won’t leave them. So if you’re a girl, not some bitchy ass woman, hit me up.

Although again I would be certain he is probably kidding, as it does say that on his profile – I feel like there at least is a hint of truth to this rambling, and it frightens me a little.   Definitely daring at best.

Then throw in that his only picture is one without his shirt on, and we have ourselves a perfect storm.

Scam.

28 Apr

“Hey u gorgeous, I see u do keep checking my profile, which leads me to that u r in love with me, rn’t u?”

I find this message extremely humorous, because it is a total scam to get girls to respond to him.    I found this message on a profile that I made a long time ago, that I list myself as living about 8 hours away.   I certainly have never looked at his profile..  but,  he knows that.   That’s how he gets girls to respond to him.

Could you just imagine, “OMG, I have NEVER checked out your profile, YOU FREAK!” ???

Online Dating “Match Percentages”

27 Apr

I’ll be honest:  I used to think OKCupid’s match percentage “suggestions” were a bunch of crap.   But, that was when I was young and stupid. (…a few months ago…)

Don’t get me wrong  –  I still don’t fully rely on them.  (Old school dating didn’t ever provide you with likelihood of succeeding numbers..)   But, the more and more I meet people from online, the more I see that the match percentages are pretty fair.   Take #31 for example:  Our match percentage is 94% Match,  78% Friend, and 2% Enemy..  and we get along splendidly.    I think the important part of looking at the match percentages is that you take EVERY one of them into consideration.

I don’t work for OKCupid, and I haven’t read OKCupid’s blog about how they figure out the match percentages..  but, from what I understand it’s based on the questions you answer.   I perceive it like this:   The “Match” percentage seems to be how we’d be in a relationship.  Obviously 80% or higher is probably something you should aim for.    Friendship match and Enemy match numbers are pretty obvious.

No one is every going to have a 100% perfect all around relationship – that is unrealistic.  What I have noticed, though, is that even if I have a higher match percentage with someone,  the friend percentage is more of a tell all for me.  That number cannot be low.    I want to marry my best friend.  (No, J or Velvet.. not you guys..)    I have found that when I talk or meet with people who have a lower friend percentage than what I’d like:   We don’t click.

I have yet to meet with someone who has a higher than normal enemy percentage.   It is in the works for me to do so at some point in the near future, kind of..   I haven’t yet decided at what point an enemy percentage is too high.

..I may just seek out a super high enemy match and suggest a meet up…  (Gun in purse… of course.)

What do you guys think? — Any stories?

 

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