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Anatomy Lessons with @Soon2BeCatLady

19 Dec

I can’t believe I have to do this..

“HEY IMMA SAY THAT IF UR VAGINA WAS IN MY MOUTH U WLD LOVE ME FOREVER! (IM BEIN A DICK CUZ BEIN NICE HASN’T GOTTIN ME ANYWHERE). 🙂 ​”

First of all…. Dawg…  Online dating is NOT the place for ebonics.  Fo’ shizzle.  Not that there is a ton of it… but “Imma”… Really?  I weep for the future.

Secondly, and probably most importantly..  I’m pretty sure you can’t put a vagina in your mouth..  because really, it’s internal.  There’s a lot of other crazy names for the stuff that is external, that I am not going to get into, because I am not your fucking health teacher.

And – no… girls will not love you forever for that..  What you are referring to is easy to come by.  (no pun intended.. just a funny coincidence.)

That’s Risky.

18 Dec

“Hello there,
I am not really sure about the whole online dating scene but you seem like you’d be fun and who knows. My job keeps me busy so it’s hard to meet good quality people. I do laughing and enjoy making others laugh as well…I like your laid back and honest approach; you seem to have a good heart and head upon your shoulders, so I wanted to say hi and introduce myself…

As for me well I’m a midget, so doesn’t leave me many options but I’m sure in time you will learn to love me; Don’t assume that just because I’m short (3’5) that I can’t bring much to the table. Even if the truth were told and the only six pack I have is that of Heineken that resides in my Fridge, but I am working on it.

Honestly, I’m single 39 years old, 5’9 172lbs and Fit. I work hard and I play hard, but do enjoy downtime too, a good movie or book and I’m a happy camper. I enjoy spending time with my family, friends and always up for adventure. When I’m not knocking over liquor store or stealing candy from babies, I’m usually and about and enjoying the day or eve somewhere… I am truly looking for a good lady who wants a true relationship that is fun and sees where it leads….”

Really?  You’re dealing me a form letter and pretending to be a midget?  What if someone in my family was a midget, or my best friend?.. (Not Velvet, of course.. we’ve already established that she’s 9 feet tall.)   I’m just saying,  that’s a risky move.

However.. I will go on record to say that this guy is kind-of short..  (Again, nothing against short guys.. As a short girl,  you’re pretty much guaranteed to be taller than me, so height isn’t an issue with me..)  and maybe this is his way of getting someone to overlook it.  “Well, at least he isn’t a midget..” ??

I don’t know..  I got nothing.  What do you think?

(Also.. how does one “do” laughing?)

Velvet’s New Dating Rule

17 Dec

So, Catlady fans, Velvet here has a rant. And because Catlady loves me, she lets me rant to you. My apologies in advance…

We have mentioned before that I am a bit older than her. Because of this, my dating “age window” is older than hers. In conversations and Twitter threads and talking to friends and such, I know that there is a thought that when it comes to dating, supposedly there is a magical age when we all become more mature and less likely to seek drama, men and women alike supposedly become more self-aware and able to really be present in a relationship in their late 20s and early 30s. Gone are the days of playing games to see if he/she really loves you, and everyone knows what they are looking for, they just haven’t found it yet. (disclaimer: I get that there are exceptions to this rule, so if you are super mature and you are 22 years old, don’t bother with your pissed off message. You are the exception, not the rule.) So, given that I am 37, one would think that I have probably passed the years where I have to deal with at least that particular kind of crap, right? HAHA! That’s what YOU think!

The other day I was pondering some of the men I have gone out with in the past, trying to figure out some patterns to see if I could maybe avoid some future train wrecks, and I discovered a BRAND NEW RULE!!!

The deal with maturity increasing when people reach their 30s? So far, that is spot on. Except for the completely hilarious wack jobs we all enjoy sharing stories about. Those folks will never mature. (I think insanity is the true fountain of youth…)

So what is this BRAND NEW RULE, you ask?

There is an expiration date on this maturity. Keep in mind, I am basing an entire rule on 2 people, but rules start somewhere, right? Besides, I said it was a new rule, I didn’t say it was a rational one.

I have dated 2 men who are 51 years old. That’s right, not 50, not 52…51 years old. I think that something happens to men when they are still single (or single again…) at that magical age. They become emotionally 14 years old. Between those two men, I have experienced:

-Two-day-rage-filled-drinking-bender

-Notes hidden in public phone booths (hehe-we all know who THIS is, huh??)

-Tantrum in a public place, complete with stomping out of said place

-Passive aggressive Facebook posts saying emo things like “I learned my lesson”, “I have no one who cares” and my favorite: “Guess I know I should never trust again”.

-An entire group of people being fed lies to the point I was threatened to have my ass kicked (did I mention I am THIRTY SEVEN YEARS OLD!!)

-Stalker texts numbering in the double digits in one day

-Proclamations of love and undying devotion WELL before it was appropriate or welcome. Or sane. (after one date, and after about 2 weeks)

And the list goes on. Seriously, folks, I think I may be onto something here. And this might be 51 year old women too, but I can’t know that. All I know is that no matter how much longer I am single, I will NEVER date a 51 year old man again.

Old as Fuck

16 Dec

My Twitter buddy @sarahrosangela tweeted today that she got a message from a 23 year old gentleman which said:

“I would talk at you but you 26, dats old as fuck.”

That’s some pretty harsh talk for a 23 year old, who probably only has about 2.5 good years left in him before he’s as old as fuck too.   Then we need to take into consideration that when he isn’t offending the “elderly” – he likes to talk at people. This will be his downfall in life until he realizes that for relationships to work, you need to talk to or with someone.

But wait- There’s more!   Sarah was kind enough to send me a link to his profile, which was amusing as well..  Here are the Cat Lady Favorites:

“Still new but this sites pretty cool, some funny ass people.”  Oh my dear, if only you knew that you were one of them..

“Anyway about me, growing up i was the only straight guy in a all gay high school and the kids would tease me and yell out things like “Hey [Username], where you going to go get some pussy?!”    His poor Mom was trying to save the female population by sending him to an “all gay” school..  Lucky for the gay males of the world, her plan didn’t work.

“I’m always giving advice
p.s. I love learning from the mistake of others who take my advice.”  Glad to hear he realizes his own advice is not rock solid.

“No creepers please”  I really really really want to know what type of person he considers to be a “creeper.”

And perhaps my favorite:

“why not mess with Okcupid before it’s too late to have a social life..”  You know.. age 26..

Oh.. and he’s looking for females between the ages of 18 and 27…  So, apparently, he’s willing to talk at ladies older than fuck.

 

More Poetry?

14 Dec

“Oh, sweet lady, 
with your face like a cream oval, 
and your nose like a delicious slope of cream. 
Your ears, like cream flaps, 
and your teeth, like hard, shiny pegs of cream. “

 

I don’t get it.

No Need to Stoop to Their Level

12 Dec

I do think that sometimes people send the things they do to see what reactions they will get.   Don’t get me wrong, I think some are legit requests as well..  but, I like to be optimistic and hope the population really isn’t as stupid as online dating makes them appear.

That being said – Ladies..  You don’t need to stoop to the level of the morons.   That’s like feeding the animal – it will come back for more.  Ignoring someone, at least in my experiences, will always piss someone off more than responding.  (Online Dating or not..)

Take the following reported interaction, for instance:

“Can I please see a picture of your vagina?”

(Right.. because your manners are definitely going to give that request the edge it deserves..)

“hope your dick gets caught in a meat grinder.”

…Really?  REALLY?!   Was that appropriate or necessary?   But-  as I said, it just adds fuel to the fire, because the next day:

“Just wondering If you have changed your mind since yesterday?”

Interesting how the person who instigated the whole thing doesn’t seem as moronic anymore…  She reported him, and I’m not going to vote to delete him, because she was far more crude than he was… and no shit he wrote again,  he got a response the first time.

Can we all just try and keep it classy please?

 

My Hot Date with a Doctor

11 Dec

Best to familiarize yourself with this gem before reading further.

Despite every part of my soul wanting to reschedule this appointment with a different doctor – I decided to keep it, because I had a suspicion this could make for a good story.

Now, before I get any further – in case any of my male readers don’t fully understand what happens at the gynecologist, and why I was now even more mortified to go..  Allow me to explain.   Every year, us girls go in for our annual “physical”   which consists of talking to our doctor, donning a paper robe and putting our feet up in stirrups so the doctor can take a good look at the plumbing.   And by “a good look”  I mean so much as to put a metal clamp up there,  open it up, scrap the insides with a long toothpick and also take a feel around.  While you might think this could be a pleasant experience – I assure you, it’s not.  We also have to whip the girls out and doc feels around to make sure there are no questionable lumps, etc.

I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to say at this appointment..  but,  luckily I am quick on my feet.

“So, CatLady,  are you sexually active?”  (This is a normal question..)

“Well, I’m no porn star.”

That comment caught him off guard, and he asked what I meant.

“Oh, sorry..  Just a joke.  I’m trying the whole ‘online dating’ thing and a guy sent me a message about a week ago asking me if I was a porn star.”  And then I raised my eyebrow, with a smile, of course.

His face immediately turned a color red that I have never seen before.

“Oh.. well.. That’s…… awkward.”

“Yeah, it was.  I think he’s a doctor, too… But, no.. no new sexual partners to report..  I’m not a porn star.”

“Okay.   I will leave the room while you undress.  Hop up on the table when you are ready and I will be back momentarily.”

I undressed,  put on my paper gown and sat on the table.  Per the usual,  there was some waiting around, and I started planning my next move to make Dr. Dumbass as uncomfortable as possible.   There was a knock at the door, and a female doctor came it.

“Hi, CatLady.   Dr. Dumbass had a phone call he needed to take, and asked me to take care of your examination today.”

Hahaha!!  Of course he did..  The new doctor was very nice, and she even told me that Dr. Dumbass mentioned that I was trying online dating.  Fighting back laughter, she told me that she’s glad I haven’t reached porn star status.  I have a feeling she isn’t going to let him live this down anytime soon.

Oh well, I was going to tell him that it was high time we see other people anyway.

Should I Get Back Together With My Ex?

8 Dec

Because I like to see how people’s minds work – I asked my Twitter followers today to give me a list of pros and cons of going back to one’s ex.  The majority of my responses included something along the lines of, “There are no pros to doing such a thing.”

If there are no pros to going back to someone – Why do so many of us do it, or consider doing it?  (Although, I would argue there has to be some sort of pro.. I am not claiming to know what it is.)

I think there are several types of “Getting Back Together” reasons.    There are reasons that would permit me to give it a try, and there are reasons to make me avoid it like the plague.    I have watched numerous people I know attempt the “Let’s try it again” avenue, and I will be the first to say that the success rate is low.

I really liked what my Twitter follower @thebitchdesk had to say on the matter:   “#OldLadyAdvice The problems that were there initially don’t go away. You either accept/deal or are unhappy again.”     I think this defines it nicely.   If you can accept your ex’s faults, I think it’s okay to proceed.

This topic sparked my interest because I saw a “Some E Card” that said:   “How did we manage to stay together for 65 years?   —  Because we were born in a time when if something was broken we would fix it, not throw it away.”    It’s a valid point..  at some point,  our culture turned into a lazy one –  It seems we all want everything without having to work for it.   I know of no romantic relationship that is easy.

So – why do we humor the idea?   Perhaps because we know that, although rare, it might work out and we want to try and beat the odds?  Perhaps because we didn’t realize what we had until it was gone?

If it’s because you are lonely or horny –  My advice is steer clear.

Let’s discuss!

 

**Edit:  I also want to add in that I keep hearing “People don’t change.”   I disagree.   While, there are some truths to us that do not and will not change – I don’t think that people initially meet someone and are lying about who they are.  You fell for the person for a reason, right?**

Out of Place

5 Dec

Today’s horrible message was sent in by @HotGirlsGuideTo of http://www.hotgirlsguideto.com/   Go pay her some love.

“Your lips, your tits, your eyes and your beautiful hair have inspired this message, and your gorgeous face.  In fact, you’re just angelic with your beauty to be frank. And I have just the perfect thing for someone like you.

We’d move my couch to the middle of the room with the tile flooring in my home. Then I’d love to lace you up in roller blades.  You’d lay down on the couch, face down, ass up.  My hands glide across your back, rubbing out, gently and warmly, all of your knotted muscles.  Then my hands slide down both your arms and pin your wrist down to the frame of the couch, and I’d slip into your pussy, and relentlessly pound you.

If the words I wrote for your beautiful white ass excited you, I have an empty house tonight, text me at ***493****”

Now, this is a message that doesn’t really surprise me..  I see them all the time.. but the question on everyone’s mind should be:  Rollerblades?   ..What?

Not that the message would be better without mentioning she’d be wearing rollerblades.. but, it just makes no sense.   Is that supposed to aid in the experience, really?   And good grief, I hope she doesn’t squirm in this scenario.  I can’t imagine getting kicked in the junk with a rollerblade would be pleasant.

So very weird..

 

I Think I’ve Seen You Before..

4 Dec

I understand how maddening it can be to recognize someone and not be able to place them.. but suggesting the following is going a bit far..

“Seriously, will you marry me?  Also, gosh a balls out chick like you ought to be doing porno. Wait, are you already a porn star?”

..Especially when you keep in mind that this message comes from my insanely attractive gynecologist, who I am scheduled to see in about two weeks.  So now the question becomes, do I keep said appointment and discuss this proposal,  or do I find a new gyno?

….FML….

 

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