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Charming

20 May

I got a message from someone on POF who calls himself “TheRealThing.”   Before I get into the message,  I would love to share with you what “TheRealThing” put as his About Me:

“Willi wanka told me to tell you that snuffleupagus saw big bird blowing lines with Winnie the pooh on oscar the grouches trash can outside of the cheese cake factory while cookie monster and tigger where shoot dice watching Kermit trip on acid…. Yes I made this up myself”

Umm.. what?   Yes sir, you are definitely “The Real Thing”..  and nothing says “I have stopped pretending to be charming” more than the message he sent:

“Clever and witty open messages aren’t working so I’ll go with hey how are ya :)”

Had this been on my official POF account,  I probably wouldn’t have responded at all – but lucky for “TheRealThing”  this was my “I’m pretending to live in your area” account.   I thought I’d help him out..

“That doesn’t work either – for the record.”

“No see the problem is that I’m on a website trying to find women but what I have to ask myself is why are they on here and the answer most of them suck, they are lame, or crazy and you helped prove my point thank you for the record “

“No problem.”

*

Hopefully me proving his point is what gets him to delete his account so people actually attempting to find a relationship can do so.   But, he really also proves what I have been saying all along:   POF SUCKS.

I have met one person off of POF, and it was a pleasant experience — but he also had an OKCupid account.   Remember,  POF’s nickname is “The Meat Market.”

Intelligence is SEXY.

19 May

More class from the meat market:

“hay u like sex”

Oh my God..

“1) Hay is for horses.

2) Is this a statement, or a question? Your lack of punctuation
leaves me guessing.”

“if u do tex me ***-***-****”

Believe it or not, there was at least 3 hours between each message.

I shouldn’t be dumbfounded anymore, but how are there so many stupid people roaming this planet?     And what kind of question is that?   Don’t most people like sex?   I’m not stupid, and I know what he meant.. but it seems like a really dumb reason to “tex” someone.

Does anyone want his number?

Holy Cow.

18 May

This is perhaps the longest first message I have ever received.  I almost called it a form letter, which I believe it to be for the most part.   I think overall, it’s too much..

“Good morning [Soon2BeCatLady],
While listening to Thornley’s “Can’t Keep a Good Man Down”, and reviewing your profile, I want you to know I thought it was a really enjoyable read about your straight and forward attitude. You laid it out there and seem like you don’t and won’t play games which is a great characteristic. (A big plus)

I don’t know your name…well hopefully soon I may if you find me to your liking that is. But, you have that girl next door quality that I’m looking for in a woman. Lastly, it’s your eyes and smile that could light up a room.

For the record, I’m not like 99.99999 percent of the douchebags on this site who are trying to talk their way into your pants.

I’m actually one of the few looking for something real and whole. It’s been too long for me (over two years) and I’m finally ready to find one woman to commit to.

I will do my best to make your ribs hurt from laughter. If it takes a good joke, my own stupidity as a young soldier (Yes, I’m an Army Vet) some situational comedy, or even pulling out some old school physical comedy, aka “The Jack Tripper”From 3’s Company, I’ll make you laugh. I promise. 

I am absolutely positive that we could share horror stories about who’ve and what we’ve seen through this site. I’m sure you get 100s of emails weekly, maybe even daily. Hopefully, mine stands out as someone you’d like to get to know. Hence my need to make first contact. After what I’ve received, you start to think “Is this all I attract? Really?” So, here I am, putting myself out there for you to make that choice if I’m cool enough to talk to or not.-Smiles-

My profile, it’s a broad overview of what I’m about and who I’m looking for. I hold nothing back and I’m sure that’s what you’re looking for, someone honest about themselves and what they want in life. Were you winded after reading it? –Laughs-

To be honest, I’m taking a shot here emailing you and figured, “WTHeck? Why not!? The worst she can do is:
1. Not reply
or 
2. Tell me “Go take a long walk off a short pier jackass!”

My Mom always told me “Jeffrey, if she likes you and she gives you her number, you call her. Boys call girls sweetheart, girls don’t call boys. It’s only gentlemanly to do so.” My Mom was a genius-Smiles-.

One thing I am up front and direct about is that if you don’t find me to your liking, please notify me of said request. That way, I won’t continue to email you back.

It would be great to hear back from you. I’m just an honest guy looking for a good woman.

Lastly, I’m including my y a h o o I M handle if you’d like to talk outside of this horrid site.

Take care & warmest regards,

Jeffrey
[Location]
Yahoo IM – [removed]
Email – [removed] (It’s…..an old Army nickname…..I can explain later for you-Smiles-)
Band Website: [removed]
Phone number ? No, My Mom always said that “Boys call Girls Jeffrey, they like that. So if you’re comfortable after a bit, it would be great to get yours.
“A dream doesn’t become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work.”-General Colin Powell-“”

Long Distance Continued..

17 May

In order for today’s edition to make sense,  it is important you read my blog entry from yesterday.   Go ahead, I will wait.

Well –  Mr. Algeria certainly wasn’t fed up with me, as I much anticipated.   He informed me that Skype is free, as is Yahoo Messenger.  (Don’t even get me started on Yahoo Messenger..)    I then informed him that I don’t have a webcam, which was total B.S..    He asked if I was interested in a serious relationship with him, and to be honest in my response – so I told him I was not.   He went on his merry way and sent me his original form letter not even a half hour later.

So – pretty boring and not really worthy of a follow-up post..

BUT…   I then got a message from someone today that said this:

“wish i didnt live so far from you your damn cute!!”

Out of curiosity, I clicked his page..  he lives a few cities away from me.  I couldn’t help but laugh out loud.    Oh boy.

Exactly What I Had In Mind

15 May

“Hello,
Would you like me to cross-dress in panties and stockings and massage your feet or be your girl toy? “

Well, that’s certainly random and out of nowhere.  Not really, Sir.

Or how about this one:

“Hi…
You deserve attention… I would love to give it to you in classy written inuendos about interacting with you in different scenarios… i wont bore you… online friends only of course ;p”

I think most people who have legit photos of themselves posted are those who would potentially meet up in real life, and aren’t necessarily looking for the online erotica I would anticipate this guy would send if his request were granted..

But alas – I don’t like reading erotica sent to me from anyone, especially 50+ year old men.

Spell bounding

12 May

Oh you boys and your creative adjectives.   Plenty of Fish rarely lets me down.  I changed my profile on POF to say,  “All I am looking for is someone to shovel my driveway in the winter, and to mow the lawn in the summer – is that really too much to ask?”  

Apparently it’s not…

“Hi beautiful lady..How are you doing today? I came across your profile and trust me it was spell bounding. I couldn’t resist to know more about you.”

Apparently me wanting a man to do man chores is spell bounding.

However-  I did the same experiment on OKCupid, and I am not getting quite as many messages as before.   More proof behind if you are somewhat intelligent and actually looking for a relationship – OKCupid is the better site to be on.   POF is full of dudes without their shirt on – telling girls who don’t like “man work” that they are spell bounding.

 

Sarcasm That Backfired.

11 May

“How I met your mother and Big Bang Theory are everyone’s favorite TV shows. There is no point in mentioning it :-P. And please don’t respond to this message. I won’t have time to read your response anyway, I’m extremely busy.”

He referenced my two favorite shows, because as you all know by now, on POF I tell my online profile viewers they are more likely to get a response if they do.

However – this is one sarcastic message that backfired, because per his request: I won’t respond to his message.    I know he said that specifically to make me want to respond, and I will be honest, part of me wants to..  but then I have fallen into the trap.   So – no go.

Instead I share the message with you, dear reader.    Don’t comment, I don’t want to hear it.   😉

 

This Guy Totally Understands Me.

10 May

I love when I come across someone who just speaks to me.

You Should Message Me If:

You have fingers and a keyboard.

I am strongly attracted to intelligence. If you can’t properly distinguish between your and you’re(and yore, if you speak in Old English), its and it’s , or can’t compose a complete sentence, I likely will not respond. Also, if I see that you answered “The Earth” on the “Which object is bigger?” match question… don’t bother to message me. I won’t respond, and I’ll likely write a strongly worded letter to your middle school science teachers.

::Note:: If you can distinguish between your, you’re and yore, AND speak in Old English, I may be impressed. Or incredibly freaked out. Scribe ye at thine own risk.

If you feel you satisfy the aforementioned requirements, message away!

 

Oh my goodness- the fact that anyone ever answers the question “Which is larger:  The Earth, or the Sun?”   with The Earth just floors me.    Really?   We see our neighbor planet Venus looking like an extra shiny star,  but the sun is smaller than we are?

The Secret – How To Get Girls To Look at YOUR Profile.

9 May

I will go on record to say that this is a somewhat intoxicated posting tonight.

I will also go on record to say that while I think animals are neat, I have learned recently that I am not really an animal person.   I can almost say with confidence that my future cats will most definitely be imaginary ones that require no maintenance.

Guys always complain to me that no one looks at their profile.    Do you want that to change?   Take a picture with a kitten, a puppy – or any fluffy creature preferably of the small (baby) variety.    Seriously.

If I see a picture of a guy holding or interacting with a puppy, or a kitten.. I swear I will click that page EVERY time.    It can’t be a picture of JUST the kitten or the puppy..  OKCupid frowns upon that, and that won’t get me to click.  You want us associating “OMG SO CUTE!!” with you in the photo as well.. trust me.  Interaction is key!!

Why?  Because maternal instinct kicks in.   Girls, most girls anyway,  LOVE babies.   (Don’t post a picture of you with a baby though,  we will think it’s yours..)    If you have a picture of you snuggling with a cute little kitten,  the blinking light of “father potential!!” turns on.   Even if we don’t want kids now, or ever… most of us are wired this way.

Ladies.. tell me.. is this not the CUTEST thing ever (used with permission):

Seriously.. you don’t need to have your own.. just borrow one for a photo.  It will work.

PhD?

8 May

This message would maybe make sense if I said something to this guy first..  but, I did not..  So therefore it makes it quite strange:

“Great, did you feel the Spring fever? lol”

Apparently this 36 year old man has a PhD.   I guess I can’t prove that he really doesn’t..  but, it’s very strange that someone with a PhD would be responding to imaginary messages on POF.

I think my favorite part of his profile is that under interests he lists “karma sutra.”

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