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If You’re Going to Make Shit Up..

30 May

If you are going to make shit up..  you need to make it believable.

“Hey how`s your week flowing? I was looking up “fish” recepes for a friendly get together im having soon , and then suddenly realized, what site i`ve now stumbled across!! makes sense in a way, as I`ve recently turned single atm, Weird, and have now ended up on here!!!! haha so technically, you`re the first person im talking too!! make a good impression!”

Looking up fish recipes and wound up creating a full-blown profile on Plenty of Fish?   I did look at his profile, and it was lengthy enough where I didn’t believe for one second any of the nonsense above.

“I call B.S.”      (So much for a good impression, eh?)

“thats true.. just testing… fail..”

And just like that – tail between the legs and on to the next.   If his profile was minimal, and his story maybe slightly tweaked,  I may not have called him out on it.   But, seriously?

Too Far Away..

29 May

“awww you’re cute-ish but sadly too far away for my boner”

Cute-ish?  Cute-ish?   Excuse me.. I am freaking adorable.  But, alas.. even if you had told me that I was freaking adorable – apparently 10 miles is too far away.

Sucks to be me, I guess.. Or not, really.  Even if his boner was next door – it still wouldn’t be happening.

Not that I condone these messages at all –  but,  you ought to really compliment a girl if you are going to be a pig…  Not some half-assed “cute-ish” pretend compliment.

But, for argument’s sake – let’s pretend he was a gentleman, and actually had said something decent, followed by living too far away..   Why bother wasting each others time?  If 10 miles is a deal-breaker.. don’t send a message.

 

Some Things Are NOT Meant to be Advertised Online.

28 May

Common sense, my friends..  Why has this disappeared?  There are so many things that should be quite obvious that you never say as a part of a first message to someone.

“i have only been charged with rape but never convicted. “

Where did that come from?!  I know I didn’t ask.

Maybe he thinks that this is his “deal-breaker” so he should throw it out there immediately.  But honestly – sometimes those deal breakers need to hide for awhile.    There is a time and a place for that to be brought up, and it should never be to a complete stranger.

My imaginary cats are smarter than this yahoo.

Who Let the Dogs Out?

27 May

Although these messages have long since surprised me – it was interesting to see the amount coming through the Meat Market last night.   What was going on in the universe last night (aside from it being a Friday night)?

“hey wanna fuck?”

Guys-  I don’t know how many times I need to tell you this – but I don’t believe this message has ever worked, for anyone.  (Ladies – if this works for you,  correct me in a comment.)

It doesn’t even work if it follows a compliment:

“Damn! You’re gorgeous! Would you mind sitting on my face for a while? Lol”

Could you ever imagine being asked how you met..  “Well, he asked me online if I would sit on his face awhile..”    I don’t understand why these guys don’t understand that girls want to be swept off their feet by a knight in shining armor.  Is this really too much to ask for?

The next approach also doesn’t work – at least for self-sufficient girls like me:

“$200 to take you to bed interested”

For me to consider such things.. it would have to be REALLY worth my while..  I’m sorry, but $200 would not take me long to come up with if I really needed it.

But perhaps my favorite of all:

“Mt mom said I could have some friends over for a sleep over. W ant to come?”

At least it’s somewhat clever, despite not knowing how to spell “my.”   However, I am not looking for a man who thinks he is twelve years old.

Dear Internet,  Aren’t you supposed to be providing me someone wonderful and intelligent?!

Running for the Hills

26 May

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VELVET!!!!

I have temporarily disabled my OKCupid account.  (Don’t worry – I have another – the Cat Lady Chronicles shall continue.)   This was done in a panic after seeing a far too familiar face pop up as a match for myself..  My ex-boyfriend’s brother.     Apparently we are a pretty strong match, which is pretty hilarious because..  No, we are not a strong match at all.

But – I did not want him clicking on my page and seeing what I had to write about myself.   This is my actual page.   The sad part is – if for any reason he has “anonymous viewing” turned on – he may have already seen it.   Disabling my account did two things for me.  1)  If he hasn’t seen it – he won’t.   2)  If I am just that lucky that he DID see it,  he may notice it’s gone, and word may travel around a family that I once was a part of that I could be seeing someone.   Although I am keeping my fingers crossed it’s option #1.

But – until it’s safe to return to OKCupid,  I have a few things going for me.   Super hot POF guy appears as though he wants to meet me..  which will be a good lesson for me in trying not to overdo the awkward.    And I fully plan to at least give a random high five to a cute guy who, like me, takes a morning walk around the business complex in which I work, usually around the same time I do.    (Despite being awkward on dates, I am really amazing at initiating conversation with strangers..)

..I need a drink..

 

Body Type

25 May

For those of you who are blessed enough to not have to try to find love online – All of the dating websites have you list your body type.   Generally, the options are very similar.   Thin,  Athletic, Average or Curvy.   And I hate this question.

I hate this question because for some reason, in the online world,  curvy is the option to nicely say that you are overweight.   I don’t get it.    I know plenty of thin women that I would describe as curvy.   I didn’t think having curves was considered a bad thing.  (I will say I did laugh when I saw a boy listed himself as  curvy.)

POF also has an ad on their site that says “Are you Curvy? Find men who are looking for you!”  and shows a photo of a woman who, yes – has curves,  but is definitely overweight.

Is our society not fucked up enough with women and their body types?   Who decided this nonsense?

When digging around a little bit for this post.. I noticed that OKCupid has added in some more options since I lasted listed myself as “Average.”

So now…  *drumroll please*

Soon2BeCatLady –  Body Type:   Used Up.

The Infomercial

24 May

When I read this message-  I totally heard Billy Mays in my head..

“Thank you for reading my message 🙂 You sound AMAZINGGG and a blast to be around!! I do think our personalities coincide well with each others.
Are you’re tired of playing with the little boys, wannabe thugs and man children? Looking to put an end to the games and start to make a life with someone special? Then take a look at my profile and imagine the possibilities.”


Perhaps he can help me install some Hercules Hooks.

In other news:   There is such a thing as cat wigs.  For my impending cat ownership, I may need to consider this:   Kitty Wigs.

I Give AMAZING Imaginary Hand Jobs.

23 May

A very long time ago, I expressed to you all that I had a photo of me as a mime.   This still holds true today – I don’t actually mime, but a friend of mine needed a body for a photo project, and that turned out to be me.   The photos are very artistic and neat, and what the heck?     Back then, I had received one message which I still have in my OKCupid inbox.

For kicks, I added a different mime photo from that shoot onto another online dating profile of mine.. and my poor sweet computer near got a shower of soda after I read the following message I received today:

“do you give real hand jobs or just mime them??”

Hahahahahaha!!!!   Only the best imaginary ones EVER.

*

*

I cannot believe there is more to the story..  AFTER posting, I looked at this guy’s page..   This is Adam… from way back in the day on a different dating website..  Oh. My. God.

I am such a hypocrite..

22 May

I am only very slightly shamed to inform you all that as of today I am a big hypocrite.   I broke one of my own rules.   I got a message (on POF, no less)  that may or may not have been a form note-  a very simple “You’re cute!  How are you?”

And I responded to it..  on purpose, and not to blog about it.

I’m sorry – I had to.. this guy is freaking gorgeous.   No, seriously.  I want to take a photo with him on my arm, and I want him to be my trophy husband.  (Okay..  I am being slightly dramatic..  but he’s good looking. VERY good looking.  Honestly,  if anything ever came of it – I would probably not be able to speak the entire time..  If I am awkward generally,  it would totally be amplified here.)

I tell you ALL THE TIME that “Hey how are you?”  doesn’t work.   Okay.. I lied.  It works if you are extremely attractive.   Is that fair?  No… but I also don’t really know how to fix that problem… cuz still as a general rule, I am not going to respond to everyone who asks how I am,  until blogging starts paying the bills.

Any ideas, world?

Real Mature.

21 May

I got an instant message from a 24 year old that lives pretty close tonight..  I was on my way out the door, but decided to accept it anyway:

“Hi.”

“Hello.”

“Guess what?”

“What?”

“I think you are really cute, and I like that you don’t party.”  

(This is clear indication he read my profile, because I did list on there that I don’t really tend to go out partying.  For record’s sake:  I am an old lady.)

“Cool.”

“What do you like about my profile?”

You all know how much I hate being asked that – and truthfully I was on my way out the door.

“I haven’t seen your profile.. and I have to go.  Have a nice night.”

I closed the chat without giving him a chance to respond.   When I got to my destination, my lovely cell phone alerted me that I have an unread message.. which happened to be from this class act:

“You’re dumb.”

Haha..

“Okay.”

And that was the end of that..  I am very glad I didn’t waste more than 2 minutes of my life on this.

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