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Someone Seems Indecisive on Cats.

17 Dec

This “You Should Message Me If..”  made me laugh..   and also worries me slightly:

“…you don’t have a pic of your cat on your profile and it’s referred to as your “baby”. Cats are creepy, regardless of the type of sweater you dress them in. FYI, your cat actually hates you. It only barely likes you because you feed it and clean its poop box. The only exception is if you have a cat that sniffs out bombs at the airport, cancer in a hospital or survivors of a building collapse. If your cat helps the blind and disabled, then that’s ok too and please feel free to message me. Especially if you have one of those super rare herding cats. There’s nothing like watching a cat work a herd of cattle.”

I wonder how he really feels..

Update Your Form Letter!

2 Dec

We’ve discussed several times my hatred for form letters in online dating.  (You know, those messages that were clearly copied and pasted.)   If you can’t take the 30 extra seconds to reference something specific to my profile, then I can’t take the extra 30 seconds to respond.

But – some people swear by the form letter.  Their argument is that if they send their form letter out to 1000 girls, they will likely get 100 responses.  “Online dating is a numbers game.” is their cry.  I still hold my position of if you want someone of quality (and a good story to tell the grandkids..)  you might want to take the more personalized approach.

Do what you will –  but,  you might want to make sure that if you switch out your form letter for specific holidays, that you change it back.  This guy I received a message from today neglected to do so:

“Hi there beauty queen!! Good morning!  How are you doing today besides Thanksgiving?”

D’oh!  (And double “D’oh!” for the atrocious grammar, besides.)

Euphemism?

30 Nov

Being that you don’t know me,  you likely don’t know that I have relatively large eyes.  Not in a “bug-eyed” type of way, (although if I open them wide enough, they would seem bug-eyed)  but – and this comes from @A_Dude79 –  my irises are large.    Another friend of mine calls them my “Disney Princess” eyes –  just to put it into another perspective.   (It’s weird to describe your own eyes, I kind of feel like a tool right now..)   But that should hopefully put into perspective the online dating message I received yesterday:

“I love your large eyeballs, seriously, they are so hot!”

Commenting on one’s eyes is an easy way to break the ice – because who doesn’t like to hear they have nice eyes? …  But this was a new approach I hadn’t received before.  I wasn’t sure what to respond.

“Pahaha!!  Thank you.”

What came next surprised me (that’s what she said):

“Want to ride my tractor?”  (Is that what you guys are calling it these days?)  “I just put new spark plugs in it AND adjusted the valves!!”

If that’s a euphemism (and I rather suspect it is).. I don’t get it.

“I’ll pass..  but I appreciate the offer.”   (I think.)

“Probably a good idea,  I just bumped in to something (possibly an understatement) with it but I don’t recall what.”

Now I’m confused..  maybe he is talking about a tractor?  Or.. maybe he’s trying to say he is not sure if he caught an STD?

I think I’d rather not know..

Fresh Meat

28 Nov

I had not planned on blogging today, as it is Thanksgiving (for the USA-ers..) but since I hopped on to OKCupid and saw this in the activity feed — and it IS Thanksgiving —  I figured it was worth a share.

This guy’s profile makes it very clear that he is a chef of some sort, as that is basically all he talks about.  But I got a kick out of this line:

“I love fresh ingredients.  If someone brings them to me, I will respect them and cook them for you.”

Which, of course, instantly made me think: “What if you have a disobedient avocado?”

After a lot more cooking talk, he ends his profile with “You should not message me if you’re a vegan.  I ❤ pork.”   I don’t recall vegans having anything against people who less-than-three pork..  I totally understand that he probably wouldn’t end up with someone who doesn’t eat meat.. but, throwing in “I love fresh meat!” would probably do the trick. 😉   (Haha.. even though I’d advise against that too!)

Hope you all have a safe and lovely Thanksgiving.

Looks Can Be Deceiving

17 Nov

I am not sure what to make of this first online dating message.. especially because it comes from someone who lives over 900 miles away.

“I think you are very beautiful and you have very attractive hands! You look like you give very strong neck massages. I bet you have a pretty firm handshakes ::love:: I would love to get a neck massage from you!”

Sure… let me just hop on a plane and get right on that.

God’s Gift to Driving

9 Nov

I know online dating can be frustrating.  I have a lot of gentlemen telling me that they are tired of it because they don’t get messages, or responses.  I hear ya.  Mr. ADude and I discussed on our podcast last week that one should really have zero expectations when it comes to online dating –  and that you get out of it what you put into it.  (That’s what she said..)

We’ve talked before about reasons girls don’t respond to your messages.  I am still a firm believer that no one online owes you anything, and really – online dating is just one way of holding up a big neon “I’m Single!” sign.   (I would kill for one of those in real life.)

But.. sometimes you aren’t getting messages or responses because your profile says something like this:

“I’m Really Good At:

..I am also very good at honking, yes it likely if you see a green grand Cherokee and there is a strange honk sound coming form it, then it is me.  I have a 2-2.5 hr commute daily.  if you text and drive next to me, I will honk at you.  If you are drifting, swerving around, or clearly have no idea how to drive.  I will honk at you.  if you don’t go at a green light, honk.  slow turner – meaning you come to a complete or near complete stop to take a right or left hand turn when there is no oncoming traffic – I will honk.  Driving is an awareness mandatory activity and I can not begin to tell you how often I am cut off, near hit or put in a rather precarious situation. No I don’t have road rage, I honk as a form of positive or negative reinforcement.  Making drivers better since 2012.”

Oh.

My.

God.

I’m sorry Grand Cherokee owner, but that annoys the shit out of me.   Are you fucking serious?

1)  Your grammar is atrocious.

2) Remind me to NEVER get into a car with you.  If that many people are near killing you on a daily basis… maybe it’s YOU.  (Also, if you have time to honk, you have time to stop.  Get over yourself.)

3)  You also honk for POSITIVE reinforcement?!  This *might* be okay if you have a custom car horn that beeps out “Nice work!” or a happy little song.. but I’m quite certain your Cherokee doesn’t have that.

4) Maybe.. just maybe.. you should move closer to where you work.  Or take public transportation.

5)  Yes, you DO have road rage.

6) “Making Drivers Better Since 2012” –  …did you just start driving?   Additionally,  I guarantee you that 95% of the people you honk at have no idea whatsoever why you are honking at them.   The other 5% don’t give a shit.  You aren’t making anyone better, you are only making yourself worse.

Welcome to my Friday night, folks.   Sigh.. I need a boyfriend.

Barbecue Sauce

21 Oct

I know I constantly joke about my imaginary cats, and becoming a real-life cat lady someday.  Those of you that have followed my antics for awhile most likely understand that I don’t actually believe that.  Well – maybe until today.   I am pretty sure today is a new-time low.

It started a few days ago when I was drunkenly sending out “You’re cute!” messages on OKCupid.   This is something I do not advise doing, because you don’t get responses to messages like that.   I happened to get one response because the next morning I had sent out follow-up messages with depth to them.  (Mostly in hopes to just throw out there “Sorry!”  and “I’m not really crazy.”)

So – considerably cute guy number 8 had responded to my message, and we had several messages back and forth.  He seemed to be someone that I might meet up with.   I haven’t met anyone off the interwebs in a while, so I was getting a little excited about it.. which brings me to this morning.

He had sent a message asking about the weekend, and what not, and mentioned he was cooking some chicken.  I told him I was jealous and he said he’d be happy to mail me some barbecue chicken — and “What could go wrong?”  My response was that what could go wrong is that I am not really a fan of barbecue sauce.  (Of course, in reality, there are other technicalities as well.)

My dislike* for barbecue sauce was a deal-breaker.   I thought he was joking when his next message said that he didn’t think it was going to work out between us.. but, after a little digging –  sure enough.

Yep – I am going to die alone with cats.

 

*I don’t actually dislike barbecue sauce, and this was explained.  I have a certain brand I like, and if I’m going to eat it – I prefer it on meatballs.    I feel BBQ sauce ruins chicken and pork.  (So – you can all stop reading my blog now since I am a menace to society.)

 

More Fun with Tinder

6 Oct

Although at this point, I certainly wouldn’t give it my endorsement for “Awesome way to get dates” – Tinder is a lot of fun, and I’ve come to expect pretty shady messages on there.

When I was visiting with some Twitter friends in the city that never sleeps, I decided to like everyone on Tinder.   Weeks later, I am still getting random “mutual matches” from the East Coast.

My favorite this week:

“A threesome you say??  I mean, you do seem nice enough, but awfully forward..”

I think you know me well enough by now that I really don’t think highly of people looking specifically for booty on dating websites or apps..  But, I also know that this guy has probably sent out this same message a hundred times before, and probably gets ignored or bitched at a lot.  And, certainly he isn’t likely to change his ways after getting a screen-ful from me.

“I apologize for being so forward.. Matt and Joe would really appreciate a third, though..”

“Haha. Best response ever!”

I’ve decided that whenever possible, I am going to just try to out-do the weirdos.   Tehehehe.  And, that was all I have heard from my Tinder friend..   I suppose the distance probably has the most to do with it, but I am going to make it my executive decision that I was just too funny for him.

You’re Doing It Wrong!!

3 Oct

Some of you may remember that earlier this year I had frequently made mention to the “Intern” I had.  She wasn’t actually an intern, but for lack of anything better to call her, that’s the name that stuck.

She, of course, has since moved on to bigger and better things than doing my grunt work – but was excited to talk to me about a boy she met online dating.  Much to my surprise, a day or so later – she told me that she was really nervous about meeting him and was going to cancel.

I told her that cancelling was not allowed, and “Just go have a drink.”   She then explained that he had set their first meetup to be at CHIPOTLE.   Really, dude?  Chipotle!?

I am absolutely not a fan of the first meetup including dinner of any sort, and believe you should stick to a drink – and appetizers IF it’s going well..  but – Gentlemen of the Interwebs:   Any sort of fast food chain is NOT acceptable for a first online dating meetup.   While I would consider Chipotle to be classier than White Castle,  I think “The Intern” said it best when she said “Nobody looks attractive eating a burrito.”

I would have cancelled, too.   Good call, Intern.

 

Junk Mail.

20 Aug

Just when I think nothing more can surprise me when it comes to online dating.. I get a first online dating message such as this:

“8======D~~~~~~”

What’s classier than sending a dick pic?  Sending an emoticon dick pic, of course!  And let me tell you, my friends, am I uber impressed.

Luckily for him (and you..) I was feeling a little feisty, and although a message like this would normally be ignored.. I couldn’t resist the fun that could be had:

“Interesting.. Let’s be real here, though..  You don’t want to be misleading:  8==D~~”

I really want to know what he thought I would respond to his massive dick.. but, even at that moment, I was calling my response a win.

“Yeah I know its only 3 instead of 6 :/”

“We will make a great pair then since I only have a two inch vagina.”  (Many thanks to @DatingMary for this one.. making the score CatLady – 2,  Moron – 0.)

“Lol that’s a good one”

…and that was it…  Crickets ever since.  Granted, I am okay with not meeting this fine specimen in person, or even talking further… but what was the point of all that?  Can someone please explain to me how the male mind works?!

 

 

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