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Online Dating Faux Pas

13 Aug

I’m sad I have to blog this, because I thought it would be common knowledge – but since I came across it today, apparently it is not.

As you online-daters know,  OKCupid has somewhat of a “News Feed” on your home page, which shows you what users have added photos, or added something to their profile.

Now, I have always told you that having a photo with a member of the opposite sex on your online dating profile is a bad idea..  But, a user uploaded one of these with the caption:

“this pic was taken back in 2006 for my Ex girlfriends prom (sigh) Miss that girl sum times.  We were together for 4 years…… I just hope she’s happy and finds what she’s looking for and I hope she knows that I will always love her.”

1)  Again – pictures with a member of the opposite gender are NOT a good idea.. ESPECIALLY if that person is an ex!

2)  Pictures from 2006 are NOT acceptable.   Hell, pictures from 2011 are not acceptable at this point.

3) If you publicly announce in your profile that you are still in love with your ex, your online dating journey will be a boring one.  No one is going to message you, or respond to your messages.

4)  Let’s pretend everything I’ve said so far is bullshit..  You clearly screwed up big time back in 2006, or whenever it was that this girl clearly dumped you.   What did you do?!

5)  Prom?  Really? … And you’re 30 years old..  Really?

 

Your Online (Dating) Footprint

9 Aug

I’m going to be totally honest with you guys –   I have signed up for a RIDICULOUS online dating website, which I will disclose at a later time.  The reasons were three-fold.

1)  A co-worker told me about how ridiculous it is, and suggested I take a look.

2)  Without me mentioning the site AT ALL,  they randomly started following my CatLady account on Twitter.

3)  You know I am hoping for some entertaining material for you all.

So, again, more to come on what the website is, and my experiences with it.. but, I started looking around to see the kind of people on there.  All but one were not my “type” at all..  and that one.. that one was FREAKING ADORABLE.

Suddenly, I had a sense of horror..  I want to meet this guy, but I can’t possibly meet him on this site.   I don’t mind that he’s there..  (it’s not a fetish site or anything..) but if this is the future Mr. CatLady… I really don’t want to announce to anyone that I met him on ReallyWeirdWebsite dot com.

I did what every sane female would do.  I immediately reverse searched his photo to see if I could find him on any other, more respectable, dating website.   Apparently not.

I, then, google searched his username.   Bingo.  He IS on other dating websites, like No Strings Attached dot com,  Adult Friend Finder dot com,  Ashley Madison dot com, and Tranny Connections dot com, just to name a few.  (Complete with photos.. definitely the same guy, for the record.)

So – here’s your lesson for the day:   Men of the interwebs…  I know you are males, and I know sometimes you do shady stuff.   Okay, a LOT of times you do shady stuff..  If it’s not something you’d be proud of anyone knowing, for goodness sakes  – don’t use the same fucking username!

Then, he popped up as a quiver match on OKCupid the next day.  Umm.. pass.

*Bangs Head Against Wall*

5 Aug

Here is the cliff notes version of this dude’s form letter:  “Dear Pretty Girl on the Internet,  If you like what you see, hit me up.”

“Hi, I saw your profile and realize that you seem interesting. I know what you put in your profile description does not tell me everything about you since its overwhelmingly far too much to write. However, it gave me enough to send you this message..right?? lol..Enough to be curious in knowing more about who you are. Thus, I was hoping to get to know you better and go from there so we can see what nature have in store for us I know this site is weird and/or awkward because several strangers are sending you messages and you might be hesitant to respond. So I would not take it personal if you decide to ignore this message, but if you would like to stay in touch and you feel we might hit it off feel free to respond to this.

Thank you for taking the time to read this long message (I tend to talk a lot btw), and thank you for putting yourself out there on a site like this. It takes courage for people to do this because you don’t know who is reading your profile and there actual intent behind it. Even myself is a little freaked out by putting up a page on here, but if you don’t risk anything in life your chances of getting what you want will be reduced by ALOOT! lool

Thanks again and enjoy 🙂 !!!! “

If you are going to stoop to the low level of form letters, at least make sure it’s grammatically correct.   (Although, I still strongly encourage making it at least a little personalized.)

Your Online Dating Profile Sucks.

20 Jul

Hey.. you.  Yes, you.. the one reading this.  Your online dating profile sucks.

As a female who has viewed many an online dating profile, let me be the first to tell you that I am 95% sure that your profile is boring.   Do any of these sound familiar?

You hate writing about yourself.

You’re kind of a nerd about some things.

You like going out, but you are also content with staying in sometimes.

You’re looking for a “partner-in-crime.”

You love to laugh and have fun.  (Someone PLEASE find me the person that does not!)

What you’re doing with your life:  Living it.

You can’t live without:  Air, Food and Water.

You should message me if:  You want to know more.

If you have even ONE of those on your profile..  your profile is one of the thousands.

I’m going to tell you a secret… If you can be true to yourself, and stand out in your profile, you will be much more successful, even if you aren’t smoking hot.  I can’t tell you how you should do that as I don’t know you personally.. however, I will show you a POF profile I came across that stood out to me:

 

“Reviews of [Name] gathered from the internet and microfiche:

“Would date again! Not only was he helpful and caring, but he smelled amazing 87% of the time!”

“The epitome of what a man should be – without the spare tire!”

“I have never had such incredible experiences, and I’m an astronaut.”

“His hands are strong and bracing, as is his jawline. Impressive.”

“His bear wrestling skills are unparrelled.”

“So what if he can’t grow connecting sideburns, have you seen that head of hair?!”

“Je voudrais qu’il aurait choisi moi de porter ses enfants.”

“He fixed my broken heart, and my sink!”

“…. … ….. … ……” (Speechless)

 

FIRST DATE:  Three words: Pudding. Waterslide. Kiddiepool. Lets do this.”

This guy could possibly be the biggest tool on the planet, and I don’t even care.  He’s hilarious and fun.. I have very minimal information about him (Has good hair, likely speaks French, can fix things, probably has good hygiene) and I would totally meet up with him.

Like I said before, you can’t just copy this.. you need to do something that suits your own personality.   So, change it up and send me a link!    Let’s make online dating less boring!

Someone Forgot His Asshole Medication

6 Jul

On a whim last night, since I was going to the bar with some friends anyway-  I threw out an OKCupid local broadcast in case anyone wanted to join my table.  I normally wouldn’t suggest that feature, because it seems like an easy way to get abducted.. but, since I was among friends (a few of which were big strong men..) I decided to go for it.  I think more people should utilize OKCupid/POF etc for new friends – you might just meet the love of your life through a new friend.

So, to have the following make sense – I also need to tell you that last night, my profile my picture was me, holding wads of $100 bills.  (That’s just how I roll..)

“With all that money you can buy the drinks at [the bar] :)”

(I should also mention that this guy’s username indicates that he thinks he is the funniest man alive.)

“Right? Too bad its gone.”

“Spent it all on drugs didn’t you? Tsk tsk”    (Hi-larious.. ?)

“No.. I steal my drugs.. I spent it on responsible things.”

What came next came as a surprise to me:

“You should have spent it on a new hairdo.”

That’s… interesting, I guess.   Not knowing this guy – I didn’t know if I should have taken this offensively, or if this was just him being the funniest man alive.

“Oh, is that right?”  

After twenty minutes of no response to that, I sent another message:

“So.. are you coming or not?”    (I wanted to be prepared if I was going to be meeting this dickhead in person.)

“Sure am, i never turn down free drinks and getting hammered :)”

“Oh, are you bringing your mom?”   (Haha.. because I certainly wasn’t buying him a drink.. and I am the funniest WOMAN alive.)

“Sure am, that way I’m guaranteed to leave with a girl”

“Good plan, bro.​”

Shock of the century:  He did NOT show up at the bar..   So, what was the point of that conversation?   Guys online dating who’s objective is to just be an asshole are really ruining for people actually trying to make it work.

Intense Magnetism

28 Jun

I don’t believe for one second that this guy actually speaks like this:

“Its not to often external beauty inspires internal emotion in the way your photographic pixels did.  I am not the most amazing you will most likely ever meet, but I may be the most unique and interesting.  I love music with a passion.  I record and produce my own music.  I also play the guitar and sing.  Its puts my mind at peace and my soul at rest.  It can make this ever growing dissatisfaction with the world seem like a better place.  You really have caught my interest, not anyone can make me ramble and give me goose bumps through an LCD screen!  The sharing of emotion through written word is a lost art that is rarely appreciated anymore.  I like to consider myself a wordsmith in the poetic and song writing essence.  Its more of a hopeless romantic way to live…we are all star dust, created by a supernova.  Essentially the carbon, oxygen, and hydrogen inside us is all the same yet so radically different.  The question is why are my molecules drawn to yours with such intense magnetism?  I would really love to find out?  Would you like to explore the rabbit hole?.”

Not to mention, I would suggest that no less than five women per day can make him ramble in an online dating message and give him these alleged goose bumps he speaks of.

While the message itself is quite endearing,  it is still a form letter.  He could have added a mere two sentences that proved he read what I had to say on my profile, and I would have at very least responded.

Real Life Profiles

26 Jun

Seriously.. I cannot make this stuff up!   I got a message today from a guy who sent me his form letter.  I looked at his profile, and what I found has literally made my day.  (My absolute favorite part is underlined.)

“What I am doing with my life:

I run my own bussiness out of my home for the time being doing freelance work for privately owned companys online i make a pretty good liveing at it as of lately. and i can’t wait for my bussiness to pick up so i can buy a car, i know it may sound a bit sleezey but i want too buy a VAN so i can go camping in it when i’m tired of staying at home eather a van or a RV so i can also take my bussiness on the road.

The first things people usually notice about me:

my since of humar and my half balding head kidding my since of humar not really bout my balding head, to much stress did it too me
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:
The Dictionary”
Oddly enough, he managed to spell dictionary right..  I guess that’s a start?  Maaaybe he hasn’t finished reading it yet..

Plenty of Fish Makeover

16 Jun

I hadn’t logged onto The Meat Market (a.k.a Plenty of Fish dot com) in FOREVER.  As long time readers know, and newer readers can probably gather from my pet name for it – I found it to be a disgusting website overall.   Any time anyone has told me they met their significant other on POF,  I wanted to throw up.

After my long absence,  I found only ONE missed message.   This message happened to be from the owner/founder of POF.   I will post the message below, but perhaps POF is getting better?

“My name is Markus and I created POF/Plentyoffish. When I created POF, I wanted it to be all about finding relationships with the right person. For the first 7 years this worked really well, I got the site to 10 million users without any employees people and POF was generating a ton of relationships. Around 3 years ago, everyone started using the website via mobile phones. Today about 70% of POF use is via a mobile phone and unfortunately about 2% of men started to use POF as more of a hookup site mostly due the the casual nature of cell phone use.

In sticking with my vision that POF is all about Relationships, I’m going to make a bunch of changes to ensure it stays a relationship-focused site.

1. Any first contact between users that contains sexual references will not be sent. Anyone who tries to get around this rule will be deleted without warning. This rule has actually been in effect since last month and it’s made the site so much better.

2. You can only contact people +/- 14 years of your age. There is no reason for a 50 year old man to contact a 18 year old women. The majority of messages sent outside those age ranges are all about hookups. Anyone who tries to get around this rule will get deleted.

3. Intimate Encounters will go away in the next few months. There are 3.3 Million people who use the site every day, of those there are only 6,041 single women looking for Intimate Encounters. Of those 6,041 women, the ones with hot pictures are mostly men pretending to be women. Intimate Encounters on POF can be summed up as a bunch of horny men talking to a bunch of horny men pretending to be women.

In short the vast majority of people will not be impacted. This is because the vast majority of people are not going around spamming women saying “let’s have sex tonight”. I can’t change POF alone, I need your help to get the word out there that POF is all about relationships!

Markus”

It does make me laugh that he addresses that most of their “intimate encounter” page was guys talking to guys.   Karma, people.. KARMA.

Anyway-  based on this information,  I shall try it out again.   I will definitely report my findings.

10-Minute Meltdown

30 May

#31 has a friend who got to witness a 10-minute meltdown via OKCupid, and gave me permission to share.    I don’t know anything other than the messages that were received –  my assumption would be she wasn’t checking her messages every 30 seconds.

That being said, friends..  If you don’t have an ounce of patience in you, online dating is not for you.

7:57PM

“Hey 🙂

I think it’s cool you’re in publishing.  Do you ever think about using people for editing?  You could send me your book and I could look it over, we could get a bottle of wine and talk about how genius it is.  Or beer, since you seem to know your beers.  I know that’s a little forward, but you seem like the kind of girl who doesn’t take any bullshit.”

 

8:03PM – yes.. same day.

“Well you’re online but I guess you aren’t interested.  That’s fine.  But you know, you say you like young adult books and I’m just wondering, don’t you think that’s kind of immature?  You have this aura like you have your shit together but you read books meant for kids.  What if you tried reading books by adults?  If you obsess about being like a teenager all the time, you’ll never grow up.”

 

8:07PM – yes, just 4 short minutes later..

“You’re not even hot, and I was being nice to you.  Females like you have such high standards when you obviously don’t apply them to yourself.  You think you deserve men with a 6-pack and strong jaw, but you’re obviously happy being a tub of lard.  Fine.  Whatever.”

 

I particularly enjoy that he immediately decides she’s a girl who doesn’t put up with bullshit, and then proceeds to message her bullshit.

Guys, don’t be this guy..  He’s clearly desperate and pathetic.  Take a deep breath.

 

 

Why Girls Don’t Respond to Your Online Dating Messages

27 May

I’ve been contemplating this for a few days, and that spurred because of this blog entry that Belle Vierge of Finding My Virginity blog pointed out to me.  If you don’t have time to check out the blog –  basically,  the blogger condones form letters. (There was a lot more to it than this..)   Belle posted a comment referring readers here,  and I had a back and forth with a gentleman regarding form letters.

Guys –  I will stick to this.. you will have better luck (at least quality-wise) if you reference something in the girl’s profile.   I get that not all girls give you stuff to work with, but there’s that quality thing again.

This is known – girls get a lot more messages than you guys do.  If she gets 20 messages daily that all say “Hey, how are you?”  she has to do a lot of work to determine if she wants to respond or not.   But I GUARANTEE you,  if you send a message that says “Hey [username]!   I read that you are actively involved in community theatre.  What was your favorite part to play?”  and she doesn’t respond… it’s not because of your message.

 

So – why don’t girls respond to your personalized messages, then?   There could be several reasons, including but not limited to:

 

– She doesn’t think you are attractive.  (Or your online dating photos are horrible. Seriously guys.. a lot of you post photos that make you look like pedophiles.)

– She only dates six foot two inch blonde guys with a six pack.

– Something in your profile is a deal-breaker for her.

-Maybe you don’t have much info on your profile.

– She’s in the beginning stages of dating someone else..  (or maybe not the beginning stages.)

– She online dates for an ego boost and nothing more.

– She’s not a real person.

– She meant to, but forgot.

– You have a dog and she’s allergic to dogs.

– You’re a democrat and she’s a republican.  (Or vice versa.)

– You wrote her a message at 3am, and normal people aren’t online sending messages at that time of night, so you are clearly weird.

– Something in your profile made you sound like a tool.

– Something that you couldn’t possibly know about is going on in her life and she just can’t be bothered with meeting new people, dating, or responding to anyone on the internet.  (Like what?   Family emergencies, work drama, her cat died..)

 

I could go on and on forever.  But it’s NOT because you asked her a basic question about one of her interests.

I know it’s frustrating.. I send out messages to guys I find attractive and don’t get responses, probably because I’m not a size 0.  But wouldn’t you rather be someone who stands out than the “norm”?

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