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Actually – I Have Seven.

23 Jun

“Pussy!”

“Did you just call me a pussy?”

“Just saying you have one and I bet it’s wonderful.”

 

I would challenge this individual to try this method of picking up girls in public, and to film said attempt for my viewing pleasure.    Or ladies, perhaps try the opposite by messaging, or approaching someone and yelling “DICK!”   Bet they wouldn’t be on the defense at all.

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Shorthand Text

12 Jun

I get that when it comes to smart phones, texting and social media – shorthand can be helpful, and sometimes necessary.  But shortening up every word seems as though it would take a lot of work, is difficult to read, and makes you appear uneducated.

“u look to good”

“Thank you.”   (Why I bothered, I have no idea..)

“but i really need to get to no u

can u b my good looking friend”

“You also really need to learn how to spell.. No offense.”

“i no mhow to spell i just dont like textn words so i shortn umup”

You will not convince me for one second that it would have taken longer to actually write/type out these words.  If he was on a smartphone, which, if “sent from mobile” is any indication.. I am sure auto-correct was attempting to have a hay-day with this nonsense.

“so wats good wit u iam not about to act all proper to tlk to u”

What!?   Fellas –  you can’t tell a girl that you HAVE to get to “no” her, and then essentially tell her that you’re not going to play by her rules to do so.   Not that I ever said that he had to “act all proper” to talk to me, but if he’s going to make my brain hurt to interact with him – No thanks.

…He “doesn’t like to text words“…

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Did You Write That Yourself?

7 Jun

“Hit me back, just to chat, let’s make some plans, its in your hands.  If you swiped the wrong way, its okay, just let me know and I’ll go away.  Your beautiful, just give the chance, could be romance.  Never know, let’s just give it a go.  Get to know each other, that’s the only way to know, its destinies fate, so don’t hate, hit me back, just to chat!”

Uhhhh…….

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Salad Tossing and Insults.

31 May

**I ought to clarify that my lovely podcast co-host informed me what “Salad Tossing” actually means…  This guy was not into salad tossing – or at least not that I know of..   I’m so dumb sometimes!**

Internet dating is so amusing, and I get closer to taking the leap and adopting a cat every single day.   When I told this online dater “No” for the third and final time,  he demanded that I at least insult him in a creative way.  If that wasn’t asking to be put on my blog, I don’t know what is:

“Your masks freak me out.  But I’d like to go down on you”

I really wasn’t sure what to respond to that.  Two very different, and two very bold statements.  I chose to reference one, and not the other.

“Given that I am not wearing any masks in my photos, it’s apparently my face that freaks you out.”

“So when can I hit it?”

Smoooth, dude.

“Never.”

“That’s too bad.  I eat pussy like no one you’ve ever met.”

“You don’t know that.”  (I can only imagine you guys don’t all get together and dish about how awesome you are at “dinner beneath the bridge”… but, I’ve been wrong before..?   But, I could easily argue that this gentleman has never met everyone I’ve ever met, nor know the quality of their bedroom skills. I know I certainly don’t.)

“Well I know I’m good.  I have references”

“I would assume such a thing is subjective.”

“I’ll let you be the judge”

“No thanks.”

For those of you men who think this might be a good technique for you to use.. I’d recommend stopping at this point, and not go on as this fool did.

“I can guarantee satisfaction”

“No you can’t.”

“Well you must be a dyke.  Happy hunting”

Right… if all else fails, attempt to insult her.. That should work.

“Well, naturally, any female that doesn’t want you is a lesbian.”

“Do you want me to tongue punch your dick mitten or not?”

I give up.

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The Whiskey Break-Dancer

20 May

I’m not saying this first online dating message is terrible..  It’s definitely unique, and could use a few minor tweaks..  But, interesting nevertheless:

“I have a batman shirt with a cape, and just to keep my boss in check I will show up in it instead of my uniform.  I once told I might have to leave early if I see my bat signal.  My last girlfriend was Carmen San Diego, and she left me for Waldo.

 She has my lava lamp, and I WANT it back but can’t find either of them.  I’m a free spirited guy, who follows his intuition.  I damn near cried laughing reading your profile, and it made my day.

 When I WAS 3 years old I played peek a boo with a cup and my penis.  

I still play, it’s just a bigger cup.  

I breakdance when I drink whiskey.  Which translates to I break furniture when I dance.  

I am studying to be a winner, because my parents didn’t raise a loser haha.  

What are your thoughts on people who block the whole aisle in a grocery store??”

I’m a little confused as to why he thought my profile was so funny – It’s actually pretty straight-laced.   If he could make it a little more specific, and remove the odd peek-a-boo game he felt so inclined to share – he might have a bit more luck.

I’ll give him this though:  Grocery aisle blocking is a problem, and might be what’s wrong with this world.  😉

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I Won’t Bother You Again

12 May

“hi! nice profile you’re very very beautiful. im interested in meeting you, you seem real down to earth and like a friendly easy going person. we can get to know each other,, im looking to meet an honest, mature, open minded, and down to earth woman to get to know .we might get along i’m very chill and down to earth, laid back guy. you wont be disappointed believe me , im really attracted to you and i wanted to be as honest and direct as possible.. lets try it out ? we have nothing to loose… lets meet ,l think about it, we’re both single, lets take advantage of this opportunity. 😉 you can check out my profile and pictures and hit me up? ..lets get to know each other. if interested write back and let me know what you think? if not then please let me know so i dont stay waiting and wont bother you again, i’ll just move on. no big deal lol. hope to hear from you!! Im sorry for being so honest”

Because I wanted to prove that he is a bold faced liar, and not honest at all:

“Oh.. No thanks. I’m not interested.”

“hey looking for some good healthy protected se.x”

“You said in your first message to me that if I responded that I wasn’t interested, you wouldn’t bother me again. Why are you a liar?”

“Dont you want se.x?”

I totally forgot that I am online dating because I am outrageously horny and absolutely desperate.   How lucky for me that this gentleman has come along! *eye roll*

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Who Says This Stuff!?!?

4 May

Oh, goody!  It’s “Howl at the Moon” time again.  Seriously, if this type of message has either worked on you, or for you-  I would like to interview you at some point on the podcast.  This just makes me shudder:

“Wow very sexy think me and you would have some great fun in and out of the bedroom love a sexy girl and was seeing if you were up to some fun tonight seeing where close by each other drinks and hot kinky play all night ill lick your tight wet kitty till you cream all over my mouth plus i think we’d hit it off have allot of fun on the regular even grab dinner or catch a basketball game just good friends who have allot of fun even take trips =)”

..Punctuation?  What’s that?!..

To this guy, and many many others:  YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!!!!!  Dating is not “If you sleep with me, we might go out to dinner and I might take you to fun things.”   You go out to dinner, and take her to fun things, and IF YOU’RE LUCKY (Haha! Pun!)  you might get some bedroom time.  Keyword:  MIGHT.  —  But probably not.

I still do not get why guys think that messages propositioning a stranger for sex is a good idea.. and why they think she’ll say yes.   If she does say yes, she’s likely crazy, and I thought the saying was “Don’t put your dick in crazy.”  If a woman wants to have sex, she will easily find that opportunity on her own.

Arghghghghghhghghghghgh!!

 

 

 

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Boob Pockets

22 Apr

Sometimes online dating messages aren’t creepy at all..  but this is NOT one of those times:

“I love you so much I want to take you skin and make it into a jacket.  Ps I would turn your boobs backwards and the would be really big pockets imagine the stuff I could fit into thos puppies!!!!!”

Cats.. I’m going to die alone with lots and lots of cats.

 

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And The Oscar Goes To..

19 Apr

This form letter/dating cover letter made me laugh:

“Hi I hope your having a good and blessed week and enjoying this awesome weather  , I’m glad we upgraded on the weather.  It about time lol and I like your profile, it defiantly deserve a oscar lol and also you look amazing in your photos. I’m [Name] by the way :)”

Other than defiantly deserving “a” oscar, this makes me laugh because this “upgrade on the weather” he speaks of?  — 14 inches of snow.  Upgraded..  Ha!

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How NOT to Win a Girlfriend

17 Apr

I am quite certain that this individual may be single for life:

“Hi. I’m usually not into rubenesque women, nor have I gone steady with a Lutheran, so I would like o say hi; since you’re pretty hot.”

“What?”

(The dictionary tells me that Rubenesque means:  plump or rounded in a pleasing or attractive way.   …Thanks, I guess?)

“Hi.  Thanks for the unusually fast reply. It was very fast. I take it from your response that it’s already late in the night and you’ve got your beer goggles set to stun, not that you need it, so I guess if you could just ad me to your booty call list, and/or rebound list; then I would be happy to get with you at your house at some future time to work on the plumbing or other issues.  I could even order gourmet neopolitan pizza if you so wished or such. Well, thank you for your time and good luck.”

….What?!

Interesting approach.. I would not recommend trying this one at home.

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