Apparently I Love Smoking Weed Now

4 Sep

For the record –  I am leaving the number as is, since he clearly forgot a digit in there somewhere..

“Judging from your photos you seem like the kinda girl who loves smoking weed and would like to, in the next couple of years, buy a missle silo to live underground in. Im just gonna go ahead and leave my number so you can call when your ready. 979583390 ask for spanky​”

Oh, Spanky..   I know  my photos are artsy, and in one I am dressed as a mime.. but no, my dear – that does not mean I love smoking weed.   Thank you ever so much for your offer, though.  Hopefully you are wise enough to forget a digit every time you send this message because if it gets in the wrong hands,  you could easily have the fuzz picking you up.

Isn’t drug dealing illegal?  Yikes.

Don’t Be That Guy

3 Sep

“I’m sure you’re looking for a whole lot more than me…

But I’m a hell of a lot of fun to pass the time with! I know you have some deep dark fantasies that your dying to let out. Have you ever wished you had a friend that you could just go crazy with in bed. A secret sex buddy you could explore your kinky side with? Without the worry of gossip, judgments or drama. Just pure kinky fun. I’m clean, sane, discrete and a complete sex maniac! I mean that in a fun way though. Think about it?

You’ll never know unless you try:) let’s chat?”

I must say that I am quite impressed with his decisions of where to leave a space.  It’s as if he anticipated my speaking aloud an answer before continuing on.. which, for the record were,  “Yes, I probably am looking for a whole lot more than you.”  and “I’ve thought about it –  Still no.”

Guys, for the 18 billionth time –  girls would not have trouble finding this sort of relationship if that’s what she wants..  and it really is, at least seemingly, a whole lot safer with someone that you know a little bit.    IF this were something I was looking for – and again,  it’s not..   I would need very up-to-date documentation that this was not going to end with herpes or any other STD for me.    And, stranger on the internet, very up-to-date would probably mean paperwork dated within the past week, IF you haven’t had any other action since then, which you also wouldn’t be able to prove.

Don’t be that guy.  Good things come to those who wait..

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[What Should Be] Common Sense Rules

2 Sep

After conversing with some friends – I decided I should post a list of what I would assume to be common sense.. but apparently is not.    These have come about because they have actually happened to either myself, or friends.

1)  Don’t tell a female you are not attracted to her, and then get angry when someone else finds her attractive.

2) Don’t show up at your ex-girlfriends house and announce that you are there to hide from another ex-girlfriend.

3) Don’t spend any length of time on a first date explaining how you just filed divorced papers and that your spouse is pissed about it.

3b) Or.. how about don’t go on a first date on the day you file divorce papers.

4) Don’t dump your girlfriend to “try out” the same sex, and then never actually try out the same sex.

5)  Don’t make plans with someone, then completely ignore them when they are attempting to finalize the plans.  Cancel like a decent human being.  (In the words of Velvet – “Everyone has a grandma that has died 700 times.”)

6) Keep your goofy shit to yourself on the first date – i.e nose licking and meowing.

7) If the girl doesn’t order another drink and starts to look at her watch,  that is not your cue to order another drink.  She’s leaving.

8)  After 93 messages back and forth,  you either need to ask her out, or fall off the planet..  Either way,  make a decision.

9) On a first date, it’s probably not a good idea to bash in a political side when you have no idea what side of the political spectrum your date is on..  cause as luck would have it – it’s most likely opposite to yours and you look like a tool.

10) When you refer to someone as “your date” multiple times, and they correct you every single time — It is NOT a date.   Additionally,  don’t throw a passive-aggressive tantrum the next day on Facebook.

 

Let’s keep this list going!  I want to hear yours!

 

Are There Leagues in Online Dating?

31 Aug

Here’s something to ponder…  Are there leagues in online dating?    I am going to assume that most people think that there are – however,  I think I might disagree.  (Obviously, my opinion isn’t very solid at this point..  Let’s discuss..)

I guess I have never went read an online dating profile where I have thought to myself “That guy is totally out of my league.. I could never send him a message.”   I do say frequently that Super Hot POF Guy is out of my league, because he’s just so dang gorgeous – but it still doesn’t stop me from trying to hang out with him.

What does “out of someone’s league” even mean?

Velvet has a guy she’s been flirting with who recently told her he hasn’t made a move because he thought she was out of his league.   Does that just mean he wasn’t really able to pick up on the “signs” that it was okay to proceed?   Or does that mean he thinks she deserves better?  …Or am I off entirely?

I think someone not being able to pick up on the signs just needs to get a female mind involved.   “Oh, she texted you that?   She likes you, ask her out.”   If it’s a “they deserve better” type of deal – my question is this:   Why does anyone think they know what’s best for another person?   We are all very unique individuals and I don’t think even we know for ourselves what we need.   At least for myself, I know what I wouldn’t be able to handle..  and I know what I think I want.. but – I am often told people in successful relationships didn’t realize their partner was exactly what they needed until they found it.   I think deciding for someone else that they deserve better is a cop out and perhaps there are some underlying issues that need to be addressed.

Getting back to leagues regarding online dating –  S/he is on an online dating website just like you are.  Send a message if you feel so inclined..  If they don’t respond, they don’t respond..  You’re not worse off, right?

A Picture is Worth 84 Words.

30 Aug

“Just looking at your another pic I can say what my heart says U are down to earth girl with high moral values ..stable ..sensible..mature .understanding ..helping ..serious about caring relationships..simple living high goals..bit emotional but practical ..sensual..exotic..u r beautiful by heart and most beautiful are your eyes and lips..A charming personality ..full of joy and emotions..dreams are big..yet very wise in taking all steps for decisions ..a helping person ..wish to smile like anything..wanna live the moments and enjoy ye life in moments..”

Wow – he assumes my entire personality from a photo?   If he met me in real life, he would be in for some big surprises.  (As probably most of you would..)

Which is an excellent segway into:   Karl Mamer interviewed me for is OkCupCast Podcast, which is advice for Nerds who are online dating…  So,  if you wish to ruin the mystery of the Soon2BeCatLady,  take a listen.   (And let me know what you think!)

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Cat Man

29 Aug

A post from Velvet:

So…I have a multi-faceted (schizo in a fun way??) personality. And because of this, I have a varied taste in men. I have a “part” of me who is attracted to the theater/video game/artsy/Renaissance Festival kind of guy. So, when I saw a guy who fit all of those things to a T, I messaged him. He plays violin. He rides a motorcycle. Has been a massage therapist for 12 years. Going back to school for either nursing or physical therapy. You don’t know me, but all of this is PERFECT!  

So, we messaged for a while. The chemistry was great. Banter was spot on. A little bit of flirtation, but nothing that made me concerned that this guy was in it just to add a notch to the proverbial bed post.

Well, we met for coffee yesterday. Things were going swimmingly. He caught my eye through the window before I entered the coffee shop and gave me a wink that made my knees wobble. He charmed me with his stories about work and school and such, some pretty geeky stuff-but as I said, I have a deep respect and love for the nerds of the world.

So as we were slurping up the last of our coffees, when he suggested we go to his place to talk some more I didn’t hesitate. Well, I didn’t hesitate much. Middle of the day, he was literally 3 minutes from the coffee shop, I have my own vehicle with me, blah blah blah.

And the weird begins…

We enter his apartment, and there is no living room furniture. Then I remember that he said this is his first place without roommates. Okay, odd-but not a deal breaker. Not everybody’s first stop is Ikea when getting a new apartment.

So, we plant it on the floor, and we are chatting away. He gives me an *awesome* neck and shoulder massage, we are laughing and talking about stuff and nonsense. He pulls out his phone to play me some of the music he has been talking about (I didn’t recognize any of the groups he enjoys) and I commented that I really liked the music.

The next things that happened literally give me goosebumps, and I don’t mean the good kind.

He looks directly into my eyes, and starts to sing along with the music. AT me, not TO me. Remember guys-serenading a girl may be romantic, but timing is everything. This was not the time.

So I mentioned that there was no furniture, right? Well, I was sitting up, hands braced behind me, legs outstretched with my ankles crossed. In one smooth motion, he literally SPRANG from where he was to straddle my lap. What. The. Hell?  Before I had time to react to that bit of fun, his mouth was on mine for about 3 seconds, then he LICKED THE END OF MY NOSE, and then? He MEOWED. Yes. Meowed. As in-made the sound a cat makes.

I couldn’t help it-I said, “What the hell was THAT?” And his answer was something about he was enjoying himself so much he felt he had to vocalize it or some strange crap…I think I blocked it from my mind because I was so completely creeped out.

So, I muttered something about having to leave, as I wiggled out from under him and grabbed my purse and keys and shoes, and got the hell out of there.

Halfway home? Text message thanking me for a “delightful” time.

So I immediately texted Cat Lady… “Two words. He meowed.”

Seriously folks, you can’t make this shit up!!!  

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No Strings Attached Fun

28 Aug

“Hey, I’m going to be out right with you, I’m looking for NSA fun. I’ve met with various women from here and we’ve all had a lot of fun 😉 and they’ve had multiple screaming and moaning orgasms. Would you be interested in such? I guarantee you’ll have a lot of fun ;)”

Oh.. My.. God..

Gentlemen of the internet –  DID YOU KNOW.. that you can narrow your search down on OKCupid for women specifically looking for casual sex?   If not, Merry Christmas.   If so – why do you send these types of messages to girls who are not looking for casual sex?

Secondly, and really I can only speak for myself, I’m sorry, but the fact that you find “various women” on OKCupid who are okay with sleeping with just anyone is even more reason for me to not be interested.   Even YOU don’t know where they’ve been.   However, I don’t really believe that claim anyway.

I believe that if a female is looking for a frisky good time, she could easily find what she is looking for without having to resort to the internet.

Take it to Craigslist casual encounters, would ya?  (Oh wait – that site doesn’t work either, huh?)

Don’t Fall for Form Letters!

27 Aug

Guys – if it worked once, it doesn’t mean it will work again and again.   The following message is very nice – but it could be sent to anyone.

“Hi, You have a very nice profile. Just wanted to compliment you on that. And yes I do have to admit that you have exquisite looks, specially your eyes are very attractive and you have a distinctly sensual smile.. What I liked about your profile is that it is honest and reflects your depth and intelligence.. a rare combination of beauty and brains I must say.. It is a privilege to have found you here 🙂 Have a great day…”

I know..  I know.. “But CatLady – what if it isn’t a form letter?”   It is.   He sent this to a profile of mine that has bare minimum information – and my photos on this one are all more artistic in nature, and I am not smiling in any of them.  And – the profile that “is honest and reflects my depth and intelligence”?  .. It lists my interests as “Going out” and “Staying In.”  — Don’t get me wrong, I am deep and intelligent – just not on this profile.

Superheroes and Princesses.

26 Aug

“Let me be ur hero ;)”

I know what he was trying to do – but this guy was not anywhere near as sexy as Enrique Inglesias – and even if he was, only Enrique can get away with this line.

“Hmm… will you wear a cape?”

“Sure.. anything for my princess :)”

Oh gag me..

“1) I am NOT your Princess.
2) That’s not very Superhero-like to think so.”

“As a hero i must make u my princess”

I am going to make an educated guess that I have more knowledge about comic book heroes than he does.  I don’t believe even once Superman, or Batman or Spiderman “made the damsel in distress his princess.”  Girlfriend?  Maybe.. but definitely not Princess.   From what I understand of that rule is that in order to make someone your Princess, you yourself have to be a Prince.

“What Superhero are you.. Mario?”

“Yup 🙂 here to save peach”

“Get a 1up.”

Psh..  Mario isn’t a Superhero.

Clueless

25 Aug

I love having personal friends trying their luck at the Online Dating Game with me!   Velvet has been back on the OKCupid scene for a short while now, and we compare stories and notes constantly.   People at our work think we are absolutely insane.

For the record –  Velvet and I are 10 years apart in age, so our dating pools are quite different.. Not to mention we have very different tastes in men.   But- she was showing me a profile of a guy she was talking to – and even I had to admit he wasn’t bad to look at.

A few days later when we were hanging out, she mentioned that while she kept hinting to him to ask her out, via text..  He wasn’t biting.  While they were literally texting back and forth,  I decided to see if I could help the cause and logged into MY account and sent him the following message:

“Ask. Her. Out.”

“Huh? Who??”

Oh my gosh, the girl you are texting, Dumbass!  I decided to ignore the message and let him attempt to figure it out on his own.  I must have broke his brain, because 20 minutes later I got another message from him:

“Please explain what you mean.  I don’t understand your cryptic message.”

I know the words “Ask her out” are hard to grasp.. so, let me help all you other confused gentlemen out there:  It is NOT the girl’s job to ask you out.  It’s your job to ask US out.  We can ask you out – we don’t want to.   Deal with it.

Anyway- a few days later – he did ask her out.   Between their schedules (they work opposite shifts..)  they were able to schedule something for 2014..   Hopefully I won’t be doing this long enough to let you know how it goes.

BUT WAIT..  THERE’S MORE!

Just tonight, Velvet informed me she got a random text message from this gentleman:

“Think my cialis is kickin in…”

Don’t worry though..  5 minutes later he then sent “LOL”  making that statement completely normal.  Shoot – guys text me about their erectile dysfunction all the time.  

Velvet is going to be postponing that date..

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