Soon2BeCatLady

I am not going to lie to you –  I have met people from online,  and there are some good people out there.    I don’t blog about them, because it would probably be rather boring.   But, seriously… wow this online stuff is just ridiculous!

I don’t know if there is a full moon – or the stars are aligning funny- or if people just don’t have a date for New Years Eve..  but today I have gotten more people just looking for a piece of meat than I do on a typical day.

I started off the day with:

“can u handle dis 9 inchs mama?”

Mama?!   Who says that?!   And a word of advice, Mr. “can u handle dis”..   if you are going to solicit girls for sex,  you ought to have a picture of yourself.  Good luck finding someone SO desperate that she’d sleep with a man without a face.

Good riddance..    And then of course I get to end the day with another pig:

“I love what I see, hehe, and wouldn’t mind seeing more. Care to get together over dinner or maybe some desert, unless you want to save the desert for after dinner? I’d like a soul mate, but in the mean time, how would you like to be a playmate?”

Wow – what a lovely way to say “You aren’t my type, but I’d still do you.”   Since this dude was online,  I decided to have a little chat with him.    Apparently my rack would be an upgrade, and therefore a learning experience.   I advised him that perhaps he would get further along in his quest if he was a gentleman a few days before turning into a pig.   He assured me that he has tried that every other time before and it doesn’t work..   1)  Bullshit.   2)  If it isn’t bullshit.. Lucky for me?  I’m the one you “test out” being an ass on?   3)If it isn’t bullshit,  he clearly doesn’t know what being a gentleman is.

Some people should be banned from the internet.

Are there girls who are online dating specifically for attention?   Absolutely.   While my adventures certainly didn’t start out that way-  I did openly tell you that I have an account where I live far away from my actual home.   (Not really for the ego boost or attention.. but to get more crazy cat lady stories.. or at least prove to myself that I wouldn’t be better off anywhere else..)

It’s too easy for a girl to get an ego boost on these things.  Especially on the meat market which is Plenty Of Fish.    Within 10 minutes of signing up and adding a picture,  the messages start pouring in.     Although I have had the account longer than 10 minutes,  I got an ego boost today from the following message:

“God damn, Ms Beauty you are hotter than the lava flow!!!!”

Haha!  Darn right, I am.

P.S.    That doesn’t work..

It entertains me that people online think they are owed a conversation, or owed a response, or owed pictures, or owed anything.  Why is that?   I don’t know you, I don’t owe you anything.   I don’t know you –  I don’t expect anything from you.   I throw messages out there and never hear back –  whatever..   There is no law saying you have to respond to someone if they talk to you.

“I keep looking at oyur profile hoping for more pics, I think your main one is cute but wanna see the rest of ya! Sorry, I know that sounds shallow, but everyone has things they like ya know. “

The photo this guy who I have never talked to or heard from before this is a slightly below the bust and up photo.   It’s not just my face.    (He resides on the meat market- and not the more respectable dating site where I actually have lots of different types of photos of myself.)

I wrote back:

“Sorry to disappoint, I guess.. but I don’t owe you anything.”

“sorry for having an interest?”

Now.. I am sorry – but liking my face doesn’t mean you have an interest.  Wanting to see the rest of my body doesn’t mean you have an interest.   An interest in my body, maybe.. but me as a person – no.   I am not ashamed of my body –  but, if someone is genuinely interested – I want it first and foremost to be based on my personality.   My personality has stayed relatively consistent, and will continue to stay close to the same, whereas a body can and will change.

You have to be really close to me for me to feel like I owe you anything.

“Hey,
you sound like you’re looking for something more, like me.
In my world beautiful women abound in great quantities so to be frank I’m not
impressed by mere beauty alone.
When you respond back, I might share with you some of my thoughts,
you might have what it takes to bring out the hidden qualities in me.
But, I think you deserve to know that I’m not interested in cybersex or becoming
anyone’s online fantasy.
I would enjoy getting to know you based solely on the understanding that if we find
we enjoy talking and feel safe with each other,
we can begin to talk on the phone, and then meet in person. If you are not interested
in in person meeting don’t reply.
Delete my email, pass up on a wild adventure but don’t waste my time”

Although this message alone made me laugh – I decided that I should read what this guy has put on his profile for the world to see.. and it’s rich folks, it’s rich:

First and foremost, I laugh at that he is actually NOT LIVING IN THE COUNTRY but saving up for a visit to my city -which he lists himself as living in.    Don’t waste HIS time?!   HAHAHAHAHA!

He also requests that a girl not message him if she is married to more than one guy.

“If get to spend some intimate time with me, you will remember it the rest of your life.”

“I own a motorcycle.  So, you better learn how to clean a motorcycle.”

Sigh..  Some people..

The laughter just never quits with online dating..

“Ready to be pleasantly surprised!?!     (Oh boy, am I ever!)

My name is Grant and I’m an extraordinary gentleman who is looking for the woman of my dreams and to sweep her off her feet. I have my life together, college degree, car, job, my own apartment and so on. I know what I want and when I go after something, I usually get it. I want a woman who is strong, sassy and sophisticated. I think you are absolutely stunning and it sounds like we would get along famously. We will laugh, smile and have one hell of an adventure. I look forward to hearing from you!”

Okay- the kind of “full of himself” attitude he takes does not pleasantly surprise me, or surprise me at all.    But this message does make me laugh.    If he is someone who usually gets what he wants-  what on earth is he doing online dating?    I would argue that most people are online dating because they don’t get what they want.  (I know that’s certainly the case for me.)

I understand a lot of girls looking for “love” online are gold diggers –  but it still cracks me up when guys feel the need to say that they have a car, a job, and a place.   Granted it is important,  I have those things as well, and don’t think I would be able to handle someone who lived at home with Mom, didn’t work and I had to chauffeur around.     However, I think he took the wrong approach – especially with me.   My profile where he messaged me is short-  but does mention that I own a house.   Informing me he rents an apartment doesn’t impress me.   If you are 29 years old and not capable of renting, there is something wrong.

I will probably message him back to see if he gets whiny and calls me fat after I shatter his dreams like the rest of them lately.

I got messaged by a guy who is from Alabama, but just recently moved to my neck of the US.    His photo is of him, nearly making out with a girl.   While I find this odd –  it’s not the point of this.

“if you could live anywhere, where would it be?”

“I can live anywhere.”

“that’s funny, when I typed that out I wondered why could is not a can,, I picked here, not sure where my next “can” is yet but it will most likely involve a boat & sand, but not a sandy boat, that would get annoying”

I didn’t respond after this – because really,  I wasn’t interested.    About 10 hours later I get this message:

“are you gonna remain in Cupid Land? I’m a weirdo,,, Alaska & Belize are the next places on my list”

Uhh.. okay…   I still didn’t respond –  not only because I wasn’t interested, but I was preparing for my Christmas festivities.    Christmas Eve day, on a short break, I checked my phone and saw I had another message from this dude:

“flirt with me”

“Umm.. no.”

“umm,, ok good luck, fat chicks are only good for blind folded blowjobs anyway”

“Hahahaha!”

I honestly didn’t expect him to write back again..  and I could go on and on again about how pretty much after saying that to anyone – you have lost any chance if you ever had one to begin with.    My phone beeped again:

“that was very poor flirting on my part,,, you’re a hard nut 2 bust”

I am not really sure what that means..  but.. whatever..  I am more than 100% done with that.

Like I have said previously, I am trying to get better about responding to people in general,  even if they don’t make it obvious they have read my information.   At least if nothing else comes of it – I generally get a new blog entry out of it.

Today – I got a message from someone who accepted me as a “match.”   He told me that I am gorgeous –  so, I sent him a message saying thanks.

He then proceeded to ask me what I am looking for with online dating.   I told him to be honest, I am not sure.  (This guy didn’t have much information on his profile, and based on photos I didn’t really find him attractive.)    Lucky for me I guess,  he cut right to the chase after that and said “Me neither.   Are you naughty or nice if you don’t mind my asking?”    …How Christmas-y of him…

Okay-  I can’t imagine any guy looking for a “nice” girl would ask this question.   Or am I wrong on that?    I wrote back a simple “Oh wow.”  and haven’t heard from him since.

These types of things should really tick guys off who are looking for something meaningful (if there are any of those out there for real)  because it’s people like this guy who make girls not answer short messages.   At least I wasted no more than 3 minutes of my life on this one-  but still..

Some guys first message girls with “Hey, how are you?”  “Hi.”  “You’re pretty.”

Some guys do a cheesy pick-up line.

Others write their entire life story – as you have seen posted here several times before.

While not much surprises me anymore,  I was surprised to find the following first message (or “pick-up message”)  in my fan mailbox on the meat market:

“So Three Tampons are walking down the street hoy many of them wave?”

Was I seriously just “picked-up”  with a tampon joke?

I thought I might be at a loss of stories for once..  but, sadly I was quickly proven wrong.

Plenty of Fish (or POF.com – a.k.a. “The Meat Market”)  has launched a new instant messenger type thing – and it seems to be a little glitchy.

I have packed my New York online dating profile bags and moved to San Francisco to see what kind of characters I can find there.   I was online checking the fan mail, and I got an instant message request.

I accepted the instant message request..   the guy said “Hi”  and then it said the user has left the chat room – leaving me unable to respond.    Oh well, whatever.   I assumed it was a mass instant message, and he just waited for people to seek him out.

About 1o minutes later, I get another chat request from him..   I accepted.   The message said:   “I just want to point out that you are chubby and that you really have no place to be picky about who you talk to on here.”    Followed by “User has left the chatroom.”

Okay-  now I am pissed off.  1)   NOT chubby. (at least not in that picture)    2)  I don’t care who the hell you think you are- you don’t say that to girls.. EVER.

I look him up and send HIM a chat request with a few choice words.    He told me that it was bitchy of me to ignore his chat request-   but I didn’t.   And then he immediately tries to sing my praises.    I told him that he and others like him are the ones responsible for the eating disorders in this country.   “I can’t even see your body, how would I know that?”

I was then told I should give him a chance, because he has a mother, and friends and a job, etc. etc. etc.    I told him he should inform his mother of how our conversation started- I bet she’d be SO proud.

Guys –  I don’t care how much it pisses you off if you think a girl ignores you-  no one online owes you anything.   Technology has glitches,  some girls can just be bitchy – never play a  “you’re fat” card.

I really wish I could make some of this stuff up.

So, a friend of mine met a guy online and has been seeing him casually for a little while.   He is a decent fit for her, and she was very eager to tell me about a friend of his.   I checked out his online profile and agreed to meet up, even though we hadn’t ever talked online.

This is the part where I tell you unless your friend knows you like the back of her own hand AND she is uber trustworthy – you shouldn’t let friends talk you into getting set up.

So, I met up for drinks with him.  (From here on out, I will refer to him as ‘Jackass’.. because well.. you’ll see.)  Like several dates I have been on,  Jackass really enjoyed talking about himself.   When I was able to get a word in,  he would look around and basically not pay attention.  I could tell pretty close to the beginning that this would be our first, and our last date.   About a half and hour into this “date”,  he told me he was going to run outside for a smoke.  I elected to stay inside because 1) smoking is gross and 2) it’s cold out.

About 20 minutes later, I realized he wasn’t coming back.   Umm… awkward.

I called my friend.  “Yeah,  he went outside to smoke 20 minutes ago, and didn’t come back.”     She told me where she was, and told me I should meet up with her.   So I paid “our” tab.. (Yes, for real.)  and went to meet up with her and her guy.

Not 15 minutes after I arrived at bar #2-   in walks Jackass.   He approaches our table and looks at me and says “Hey, what’s up?”  AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED.   He then left and we didn’t see him the rest of our time there.   Yeah, another drink for me please.

Our evening ended and driving home probably wasn’t a wise decision.  My friend and her guy offered up his couch for the evening, and I gladly accepted their offer.   I got comfortable on the couch and fell asleep.

What my friend neglected to tell me is that her dude lives with Jackass.  I was pleasantly surprised to wake up at 3 in the morning to Jackass kneeling next to me saying, “Hey, you can come sleep in my bed with me if you want.”

HAHAHA –  Yeah right!