Soon2BeCatLady

I think guys and girls in the online dating world go through a pre-screening process with everyone they talk to.   Or at least those that are smart about it.   Jobs pre-screen applicants- why wouldn’t you pre-screen on a dating website?

Jesse passed my pre-screening tests.    We talked back and forth quite a bit online, and he seemed quite charming.   When he asked me about a week after talking to meet up for coffee,  I was very comfortable saying yes.

Coffee was delightful.    We were there for a good two hours, laughing and talking.  Finally!  Someone who lives online who appears to be normal!    Before parting ways,  he suggested I go to his house the next weekend for a home-cooked breakfast, and then we’d go to the indoor flower gardens for a day of picture taking.    Well,  I love breakfast, taking pictures and flowers… and Jesse was cute – so I was in.

A week later,  I had an amazing home-cooked breakfast followed by an incredibly fun day.   The date ended with a sweet kiss that gave me butterflies on the way home.  Ahh, butterflies.. I had forgotten what you felt like.

Jesse is a prime example of how easily some people can slip through the pre-screening process.

As I got home – my phone rang.   It was Jesse.  He called me to tell me that he had a nice time, and that he’d love to see me again.  I was definitely okay with that, we had a really fun time.   We talked for about an hour when he said “I think you should know that I think I am in love with you.”     Okaaaaay Ted Mosby.. I waited briefly for him to tell me he was joking and referencing my favorite TV show.    When the crickets started to chirp, he continued on..  “We are soul mates, and I can tell that we are meant to be together.”

“Haha, you’re funny!”  I responded.   Except it apparently wasn’t a joke.  I told him I knew he was referencing my favorite TV show, but that it was a little awkward.    He had apparently never seen my favorite TV show.   Wow…  “Jesse, you don’t love me..  you don’t really know me that well..”   He assured me that I was scared to admit it, but he knew I felt it too.   We were soulmates.

This conversation became intense.. and fast.   I told him I was definitely not in that place in my life, and he seemed quite shocked.    This definitely was not a joke.  I told him it would probably be best if we didn’t see each other again, as I was highly uncomfortable, and hung up the phone.

I received a handful of voicemails from Jesse,  begging and pleading for me to talk to him, because he loves me.   I think I have ignored him long enough now where he is over it- but.. one could never be sure.

For research purposes,  I have decided to test the waters and see if perhaps I should be moving out of state to find the love of my life.   So, according to another profile – I have up and moved to New York.   But, so far – I have only come across more idiots.

“hello name is mike
i am in north nj
i am 31 and chef
can we chat
you look amazing
i love sexy lips
can i ask you open minded questions”

Now, because I didn’t have a clause on this profile that says “Make sure you read what I have to say..”  I decided to respond to this Mike, mostly because I was intrigued at what he meant by “open minded questions.”

“What kind of open minded questions?”

“own any sexy heels or boots
ever been to adult store”

Really, dude?  Are you really soliciting girls on the internet asking these questions?     Let me also mention that his username has a little star by it, meaning he PAYS MONEY for this online profile.. and he also spent money and sent me a picture of a teddy bear.   WHAT!?   Why do people waste money on this?

The form letters continue.

“Hi, 
My name is Fernando. I got a chance to see your profile and thought you’re a very special person. 
I think you and I can get along very well. 
Maybe we could message a bit and see if we could get a cup of coffee sometime or something else. 
I hope I can hear back from you. 
Fernando”

Why do you guys think this stuff works?

If you can’t provide a reason within your message as to why you are making your “flattering” statements, you should not be saying them.    Not to mention using “You’re a very special person” is weird in general.

Why am I a special person, Fernando?   You think we would get along well – why is that?   Do we have similar interests?   Clearly you don’t know that I hate coffee.

No girl worth meeting is going to take you up on an offer on your very first message to meet up..  unless you are Ryan Reynolds,  Ryan Gosling,  Bradley Cooper or someone of the like….  and that’s different, because we feel like we know those guys already.    We don’t know you, why would you suggest meeting before you’ve ever even talked to us?   Don’t you know that a lot of girls out there are psycho!?

Internet dating needs to become a bit more like regular life.   You wouldn’t see someone on the street, walk up and say “I think you are very special and that we would get along.  Do you want to go for coffee right now?”   (Well.. maybe you would, but that sure as heck has never happened to me.  Does this happen in real life!?!?!)

Okay..  just because this is way too funny, I have to share this..   My profile that I changed to make myself appear batshit crazy says exactly this:

“Hi there! Welcome! How are you? I am fine – so please don’t ask me in your message how I am, because now you know.

I am not crazy at all. So you don’t need to worry about that. I am probably the most normal girl you will ever meet.

I am looking for someone to immediately have children with. If you don’t want to stick around for the whole kid part, that’s okay. I just request that you make a lot of money and send weekly child support checks. Please include your profession in your message to me.

A little bit about me: I live in a two bedroom apartment that I share with my adorable 8 cats. I REALLY want babies. I enjoy archery, going to the gun range and going dancing. My picture is from 3 years ago – I don’t really look like that anymore. I have a few tattoos with my ex-boyfriends names. Hopefully this isn’t a dealbreaker. I will add yours to the list if you want. I expect to talk to you once an hour at LEAST, and I need to know what you are doing at all times. I have a few minor trust issues, however I am not damaged.”

To date:  I am still getting messages from people telling me I am pretty, and that they read my profile and I am fascinating, etc.   Which just proves even more that it doesn’t matter WHAT you write if you are a girl..  you’ll be talked to.     As I stated previously, I had one person “call me out”  on it.   This was the message he sent:

“I would never ask you how you’re doing simply because I don’t care!

I would love to knock you up. Having little versions of me running around would be a great honor. Of course I would want to not be asked to participate in any faction of their life, but I would make sure to send the child support check. Well, most of the time anyways. I would fully expect to never pay for a few months here and there. I have my own matieral things that I need to buy. I’m sure you can understand that.

Having wild, if not cannibalistic, sex while being watched and meowed at by so many cats would be so hot, if not even more motivation to get you those kids you want so very very much.

I would love my name tattooed on you. Do I get to pick where?? 

I don’t mind at all that you need to stay in constant communication with me. I would be more than happy to send you text every time I take a dump, or masturbate. Afterall, I would want to make sure that your trust in me was forever earned!

You know, if you wanted to write a profile picking out as many of the “How to lose a Guy in 10 Days” type of style, the LEAST you could have done was said that the first thing you’re going to do is give my penis a girly nickname!

Does “lottery winner” count as a profession?? Just curious.”

I sent back a mere smiley face, because he clearly was the first person to READ my profile and then send a message over, and he knew it was a joke.  He wrote back that he was a little upset that I didn’t send crazy back over.

After a few messages back and forth, and another visit to his profile- I realized this is an old friend of mine who I hadn’t talked to in about 3 years.  (He didn’t recognize me either..)  An old online friend, but nevertheless..  I always tend to bump into people I know.. everywhere I go..  in real life and in fake life.    At least I can say I have always associated people who know how to read.  =)

While I am a firm believer that honesty is the best policy – sometimes it needs to be toned down a little bit.

Guys tend to be logical people, basing decisions on the facts..

Girls tend to be emotional people,  weighing decisions based on how they feel, or how they will feel.

Guys:  If you can come to terms with this, and use it in your interactions with the opposite gender,  I can almost promise you that you will be GOLDEN.

I chatted online with someone for a while.  Very nice, but based on everything I read about him, and saw of him – I didn’t see it really being a good fit.   I am all for making new friends though, so I would not have originally been opposed to meeting him.

I want to preface this with I don’t believe myself to be as emotional based as most.  But, I am female,  and that side of me still is present.   I can be factual too, and I am sure hormone levels play a part as well.

So, I talked to this guy on and off for at least a month, if not longer.   Again, since I didn’t really find him attractive,  it didn’t bug me that we really only talked back and forth.   But, one day, out of curiosity – I asked essentially why he talked to me if it was apparent he didn’t seem interested in pursuing me.   He told me that he is shallow (his words..) and that I don’t appear to be his ideal body type – but I am too interesting not to talk to.

That did not bother me.  Not in the slightest.   I responded back something along the lines of, “So you think I’m fat?”    His answer was no, but again just that he’s shallow and I am not his body type… and then asked if I have lost weight since I have been working out.  I told him that I feel my pictures accurately represent who I am.  He then said he wouldn’t be opposed to meeting up, because he’d have to see me in person to better determine if he was attracted to me.

Okay –  I get that.  Like I’ve said before,  some people are not photogenic –  I am okay with meeting someone to determine level of attractiveness.   But –  you don’t TELL a girl that you are shallow and don’t know if her body is good enough for you.   You can THINK that all you want –  but never tell a girl that.  Will I ever meet this guy (even with the possibility we could be friends)?   NO.  I am not going to put myself in a situation where the only thing I will be feeling is self-conscious.

After that urked me..  I did what any “sensible, non-emotional” girl would do-  and made a reference to him being too short for me anyway and logged off.   Was it mean?  Absolutely.. but that’s what my emotions led me to do.

Several guys have brought this up to me, so I feel it needs to be addressed.   I also once saw it referenced on an episode of The Big Bang Theory – so I know it’s a “thing.”    Girls aren’t all that innocent in the online dating thing either.

Girls – if you plan on actually meeting people off the internet, and not just using online dating as a self-esteem boost.. represent yourself accurately.    Guys are visual.. they are going to notice if your pictures are outdated, or if you’ve gained weight since then.   After talking to a few about this – it’s pretty much a deal breaker for most of them.   They feel they’ve been lied to.

When this notion was first presented to me, I tried to think of why this was being done.   Because I tend to give the benefit of the doubt whenever possible (with the exception of strangers on the internet..),  I gave the following theory:   You know how girls with eating disorders are stick thin – and they look in the mirror and just see fat?   Some girls, who aren’t stick thin,  look in the mirror and see stick thin.   So – in some girls’ defense, I argue that case. But.. at the same time..  come on..

Ladies – let’s be fair with these guys.  Post pictures that accurately show who you are… not who you were.   If someone’s not going to talk to you for it – he wasn’t worth your time anyways.   And if you fall into my defense category –  have a good friend help you pick out your pictures.    Besides, you know you’d be pissed if a guy did that.

So – we all remember that I have a profile out there that says “I will fill this out later.”   Well,  not anymore.   I have updated this profile to inform the masses of horn dogs on the meat market, that I am NOT CRAZY.   I then continue on my about me explaining that I have 8 cats,  immediately want babies and am a gold digger,  and that I have trust issues, so I require my men to be in contact with me at least once an hour… and so on.

…And I am STILL getting messages on there…    from men who are rich who want babies immediately too….  Or perhaps from more guys who don’t know how to read.

I’ve been called out once so far..  a whopping 10% in 8 hours.   Nothing has stood out as ultimately hilarious yet… but I am sure stay tuned.

This fits in with yesterdays post quite well.   Mr. NotACreepyJerk automatically appears like a “ACreepyJerk” because he feels the need to present the fact that he is not, before someone even getting a chance to know him.   Was he called a creepy jerk before and denies it?   The fact that it’s there and in your face makes you wonder and raises a red flag.

Much does this message (not from NotACreepyJerk.. for the record):

“Hey you – Its my birthday today – want to come hang out with me tonight? – 

I know you don’t know me, ditto – but I recently went back to school for criminal justice/law enforcement, graduated with honors. Also applied with the US border patrol and passed everything including a background investigation by the US Dept. of Homeland Security. So I am as clean as they come 🙂 – can send documentation to prove it – why am i telling you this, because I am wondering how spontaneous you are.. want to come hang out??? mix music live on my Native Instruments: Traktor Kontrol S4 DJ component…? – Have some drinks and have fun? You game? 

Feel free to call or text me if you’re up to it, or respond back.

***-***-****

Michael “

Don’t ever ask someone from the internet to hang out without ever talking to them before.   I would think this is common knowledge.. but apparently not.  The fact that he was SO eager to inform me that he can provide me with a background check to make it okay makes me question the safety of going to hang out.    I have never seen a government background check – how would I know it’s real?   I would much prefer to do my own background check.

I also think giving your cell phone number (granted, it could be a “backup” number like I have..)  to people you don’t know at all is bad.  Part of me REALLY wants to have a guy friend with a deep manly voice call the number and say “Yeah, I’m game for hanging out.”

Online dating websites generally send you e-mails when someone is looking at your page.  This makes sense, they want you to be on the website as often as possible.  Sending this e-mail helps a user to get on there and see who is taking a look at them.

I often forget about this because I have a secondary e-mail account for all this junk.  It is seriously an overload of e-mails.   I don’t have enough time in the day to care if [username] is checking me out.

J forwarded me an e-mail she got from a dating website..  and I literally laughed out loud…. and for longer than 30 seconds.

“J, NotACreepyJerk is checking you out right now!”

Haha!   I don’t know if that username makes him a creepy jerk or not.. but, it’s funny regardless.

The amount of messages I get on the website where I write nothing just astonishes me.  I have ONE picture up.   Granted, the picture is me.. but, what if it wasn’t?

I keep getting a message from the same 36 year old man.

“wow, nice smile.. u are beautiful.. how are you, I am Dan.. I just moved here for a new job with wells fargo bank.. I liked your profile and thought I would say hello. if u like u can txt me at ***-***-****”

I didn’t respond to this..   Several reasons:

1)  I’m kind of an age snob.. I am trying to work on that,  and usually my snobbishness goes towards younger guys.. but this guy is pushing it in the “being older than me” area.

2) The whole grammar thing..  I know it’s the internet, and it appears as though he can spell – but.. you know..

3)  He liked my profile.   No he didn’t.  There is nothing on it.

4)  He made it seem like the only response back he wanted was via text message.   I am not even comfortable giving him my fake number.

So – I didn’t respond.

Two days later, I received the following message:

“wow, nice smile.. u are beautiful.. I am Dan, and I just moved here for a new job with wells fargo bank.. how are you.. if u like txt me ***-***-****”

This time, I guess he didn’t like my profile.   Whatever.  Ignored.

The NEXT day:

“Hey, beautiful I have sent u several messages, I think we have alot in common and would really click if we met, if by chance we dont then no hard feelings, its always good to network, worse case we dont click and you have a connection at wells fargo who is a manager and VP, u never know u may need a connection here one day. anyway, I hope we can talk and maybe do coffee or a drink.. txt me if you like, ***-***-****.. I am a very nice guy and I know how to treat a lady. U look like a keeper to me.. winks”

I guess the perk is that he KNOWS he keeps messaging me?   Clearly he is not receiving the “I’m ignoring you” hint very well.   And what is with this “networking” bullshit?   Girls-  none of you fall for this, right?!  RIGHT!?!?!??!   I don’t want to seem pessimistic – but that just seems like somethin’ bad waiting to happen.

Haha-  anyone want his number?