Tag Archives: funny

Shorthand Text

12 Jun

I get that when it comes to smart phones, texting and social media – shorthand can be helpful, and sometimes necessary.  But shortening up every word seems as though it would take a lot of work, is difficult to read, and makes you appear uneducated.

“u look to good”

“Thank you.”   (Why I bothered, I have no idea..)

“but i really need to get to no u

can u b my good looking friend”

“You also really need to learn how to spell.. No offense.”

“i no mhow to spell i just dont like textn words so i shortn umup”

You will not convince me for one second that it would have taken longer to actually write/type out these words.  If he was on a smartphone, which, if “sent from mobile” is any indication.. I am sure auto-correct was attempting to have a hay-day with this nonsense.

“so wats good wit u iam not about to act all proper to tlk to u”

What!?   Fellas –  you can’t tell a girl that you HAVE to get to “no” her, and then essentially tell her that you’re not going to play by her rules to do so.   Not that I ever said that he had to “act all proper” to talk to me, but if he’s going to make my brain hurt to interact with him – No thanks.

…He “doesn’t like to text words“…

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Did You Write That Yourself?

7 Jun

“Hit me back, just to chat, let’s make some plans, its in your hands.  If you swiped the wrong way, its okay, just let me know and I’ll go away.  Your beautiful, just give the chance, could be romance.  Never know, let’s just give it a go.  Get to know each other, that’s the only way to know, its destinies fate, so don’t hate, hit me back, just to chat!”

Uhhhh…….

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Salad Tossing and Insults.

31 May

**I ought to clarify that my lovely podcast co-host informed me what “Salad Tossing” actually means…  This guy was not into salad tossing – or at least not that I know of..   I’m so dumb sometimes!**

Internet dating is so amusing, and I get closer to taking the leap and adopting a cat every single day.   When I told this online dater “No” for the third and final time,  he demanded that I at least insult him in a creative way.  If that wasn’t asking to be put on my blog, I don’t know what is:

“Your masks freak me out.  But I’d like to go down on you”

I really wasn’t sure what to respond to that.  Two very different, and two very bold statements.  I chose to reference one, and not the other.

“Given that I am not wearing any masks in my photos, it’s apparently my face that freaks you out.”

“So when can I hit it?”

Smoooth, dude.

“Never.”

“That’s too bad.  I eat pussy like no one you’ve ever met.”

“You don’t know that.”  (I can only imagine you guys don’t all get together and dish about how awesome you are at “dinner beneath the bridge”… but, I’ve been wrong before..?   But, I could easily argue that this gentleman has never met everyone I’ve ever met, nor know the quality of their bedroom skills. I know I certainly don’t.)

“Well I know I’m good.  I have references”

“I would assume such a thing is subjective.”

“I’ll let you be the judge”

“No thanks.”

For those of you men who think this might be a good technique for you to use.. I’d recommend stopping at this point, and not go on as this fool did.

“I can guarantee satisfaction”

“No you can’t.”

“Well you must be a dyke.  Happy hunting”

Right… if all else fails, attempt to insult her.. That should work.

“Well, naturally, any female that doesn’t want you is a lesbian.”

“Do you want me to tongue punch your dick mitten or not?”

I give up.

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Are You a 13-year-old Boy?

23 May

I have mentioned before that I work once a week in retail at a niche store for the discount.  Without getting into specifics, because I’m not a fan of stalkers, the product comes in large tins.   This is important to the story.

Last weekend, a group of 13 year old boys came in to the store.  For those of you that don’t know:  13 year old boys are pains in the ass, and I strongly believe we should lock them in a cage until it’s proven they can be appropriate in public.

I have figured it out –  most of my online suitors are like un-chaperoned 13 year old boys.

When they were in the store, the employees working were pawning them off to one another – because we all knew they weren’t going to buy anything and didn’t want to deal with them.  One of the children asked a question, and a co-worker of mine said, “Oh – CatLady will show you over there.”  (Asshole.)

“I would LOVE to show you how that works!”  I said as I grabbed two large tins, and he approached the counter.   As I was bringing them over, the delightful 13 year old boy proclaimed, “Wow, those are big jugs!”  Much like the similar-minded online dating suitors, I took him by surprise when without a beat I responded “Thank you!” 

My co-workers couldn’t contain themselves, and the 13 year old boy seemed surprised that an old bag such as myself understood his clearly disguised remark.  He turned his back to me, and his friends would not make eye contact with me.   This was seriously what I go through online constantly, except it happened in real life — and he was THIRTEEN.  (For the record, I did demand he turn his ass around and listen to the answer to his question..  but they left very quickly after that.)

Maybe next time before sending your creepy message out to a girl, think about whether or not you’d say it to her face.  If you wouldn’t – don’t send it.

Don’t be a 13 year old boy —  13 year old boys don’t get laid.

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Boob Pockets

22 Apr

Sometimes online dating messages aren’t creepy at all..  but this is NOT one of those times:

“I love you so much I want to take you skin and make it into a jacket.  Ps I would turn your boobs backwards and the would be really big pockets imagine the stuff I could fit into thos puppies!!!!!”

Cats.. I’m going to die alone with lots and lots of cats.

 

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And The Oscar Goes To..

19 Apr

This form letter/dating cover letter made me laugh:

“Hi I hope your having a good and blessed week and enjoying this awesome weather  , I’m glad we upgraded on the weather.  It about time lol and I like your profile, it defiantly deserve a oscar lol and also you look amazing in your photos. I’m [Name] by the way :)”

Other than defiantly deserving “a” oscar, this makes me laugh because this “upgrade on the weather” he speaks of?  — 14 inches of snow.  Upgraded..  Ha!

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How NOT to Win a Girlfriend

17 Apr

I am quite certain that this individual may be single for life:

“Hi. I’m usually not into rubenesque women, nor have I gone steady with a Lutheran, so I would like o say hi; since you’re pretty hot.”

“What?”

(The dictionary tells me that Rubenesque means:  plump or rounded in a pleasing or attractive way.   …Thanks, I guess?)

“Hi.  Thanks for the unusually fast reply. It was very fast. I take it from your response that it’s already late in the night and you’ve got your beer goggles set to stun, not that you need it, so I guess if you could just ad me to your booty call list, and/or rebound list; then I would be happy to get with you at your house at some future time to work on the plumbing or other issues.  I could even order gourmet neopolitan pizza if you so wished or such. Well, thank you for your time and good luck.”

….What?!

Interesting approach.. I would not recommend trying this one at home.

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What’s a Sloppy Toppy?

28 Mar

And, of course, more fun in online dating:

“Give that sloppy toppy?”

I have no idea what sloppy toppy means.. I have a feeling I should probably be offended, but I am not sure why.

“What?”

“hey do you live on a chicken farm by chance”

He didn’t answer my question, but I’m invested at this point to at least see what on earth he’s going to say.   I figured most girls probably tell him no, considering we’re in a non-farm area..

“Yes.”

“Oh bc u sure know how to raise a cock”

Ba dum bum.

 

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Super Thug

10 Mar

I don’t condone first messages like this, but this has me in stitches..

“My goodness You really are an exquisite beauty and the thing about it is you don’t seem conceited about it. But don’t think i don’t know your secret.  Yeah I saw you on top model. The secret cycle that never aired because you slapped Tyra with a sack of hot nickels in her fivehead.  Sooo. What do you need from me super thug?”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

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“Don’t Take Life Soo Serious.”

8 Mar

If you’ve ever read me before – you understand that I certainly take this whole online dating thing with a grain of salt, and I do actually have a sense of humor about the whole thing.   He didn’t read me that way..  so, in an effort to “Not take life soo serious,”   I am posting this interaction, so we can all have a good laugh.   (I’m sure he’ll understand..)

“I have a crazy big cock …pets hook up”

“Pets not.”

“Lol I mean I have a big cicken and I need him to hook up”

“I don’t know what a cicken is.. But again, I’ll pass.”

“Chicken**”

“Rooster aka a cock  ….what do you live in a cave?”

“I prefer a cave to the barn you’re living in.”     (Part of me did want to tell him that I live in the Bat Cave… but.. he wasn’t cool enough to know that.)

“Jees calm down pussy cat I’m just Fucking around”

“Were you raised to talk to complete strangers like that?”   (Honestly, this wasn’t me being upset.. this was a legit question.  I’m sure has a mother.)

“Omg you clearly have no sense of humor …Dude don’t take life soo serious …life’s too short”

“Life’s too short, so I should enjoy your big cock?”  (Just curious..)

“Lol no I was just playing around..”

I’d be interested to hear if he gets any positive responses from his clearly hilarious opening line.  As always, I’d suggest knowing a little bit more about your audience before pulling out humor such as this.

 

 

 

 

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