Soon2BeCatLady

I don’t like cats –  Okay.. that’s a lie.   I just don’t want any cats.   If I ever get anything furry,  it would probably be a dog.   But – I have on one of my online dating profiles that I dislike cats.

Today, I got pretty much the most original and classy message ever:

“I LIKE CATS BUT ONLY THE KIND YOU GOT….. :-)”

Haven’t we all established by now that all caps is the equivalent of yelling?  Who does that?    And yeah.. I get it..  I may not like cats, but I have a pussy.  Har har.

At least his username, which includes the word “immature”, isn’t deceiving.   Seriously, though..  would any of you be impressed with his message?

For the record –  I am leaving the number as is, since he clearly forgot a digit in there somewhere..

“Judging from your photos you seem like the kinda girl who loves smoking weed and would like to, in the next couple of years, buy a missle silo to live underground in. Im just gonna go ahead and leave my number so you can call when your ready. 979583390 ask for spanky​”

Oh, Spanky..   I know  my photos are artsy, and in one I am dressed as a mime.. but no, my dear – that does not mean I love smoking weed.   Thank you ever so much for your offer, though.  Hopefully you are wise enough to forget a digit every time you send this message because if it gets in the wrong hands,  you could easily have the fuzz picking you up.

Isn’t drug dealing illegal?  Yikes.

Guys – if it worked once, it doesn’t mean it will work again and again.   The following message is very nice – but it could be sent to anyone.

“Hi, You have a very nice profile. Just wanted to compliment you on that. And yes I do have to admit that you have exquisite looks, specially your eyes are very attractive and you have a distinctly sensual smile.. What I liked about your profile is that it is honest and reflects your depth and intelligence.. a rare combination of beauty and brains I must say.. It is a privilege to have found you here 🙂 Have a great day…”

I know..  I know.. “But CatLady – what if it isn’t a form letter?”   It is.   He sent this to a profile of mine that has bare minimum information – and my photos on this one are all more artistic in nature, and I am not smiling in any of them.  And – the profile that “is honest and reflects my depth and intelligence”?  .. It lists my interests as “Going out” and “Staying In.”  — Don’t get me wrong, I am deep and intelligent – just not on this profile.

“Let me be ur hero ;)”

I know what he was trying to do – but this guy was not anywhere near as sexy as Enrique Inglesias – and even if he was, only Enrique can get away with this line.

“Hmm… will you wear a cape?”

“Sure.. anything for my princess :)”

Oh gag me..

“1) I am NOT your Princess.
2) That’s not very Superhero-like to think so.”

“As a hero i must make u my princess”

I am going to make an educated guess that I have more knowledge about comic book heroes than he does.  I don’t believe even once Superman, or Batman or Spiderman “made the damsel in distress his princess.”  Girlfriend?  Maybe.. but definitely not Princess.   From what I understand of that rule is that in order to make someone your Princess, you yourself have to be a Prince.

“What Superhero are you.. Mario?”

“Yup 🙂 here to save peach”

“Get a 1up.”

Psh..  Mario isn’t a Superhero.

I love having personal friends trying their luck at the Online Dating Game with me!   Velvet has been back on the OKCupid scene for a short while now, and we compare stories and notes constantly.   People at our work think we are absolutely insane.

For the record –  Velvet and I are 10 years apart in age, so our dating pools are quite different.. Not to mention we have very different tastes in men.   But- she was showing me a profile of a guy she was talking to – and even I had to admit he wasn’t bad to look at.

A few days later when we were hanging out, she mentioned that while she kept hinting to him to ask her out, via text..  He wasn’t biting.  While they were literally texting back and forth,  I decided to see if I could help the cause and logged into MY account and sent him the following message:

“Ask. Her. Out.”

“Huh? Who??”

Oh my gosh, the girl you are texting, Dumbass!  I decided to ignore the message and let him attempt to figure it out on his own.  I must have broke his brain, because 20 minutes later I got another message from him:

“Please explain what you mean.  I don’t understand your cryptic message.”

I know the words “Ask her out” are hard to grasp.. so, let me help all you other confused gentlemen out there:  It is NOT the girl’s job to ask you out.  It’s your job to ask US out.  We can ask you out – we don’t want to.   Deal with it.

Anyway- a few days later – he did ask her out.   Between their schedules (they work opposite shifts..)  they were able to schedule something for 2014..   Hopefully I won’t be doing this long enough to let you know how it goes.

BUT WAIT..  THERE’S MORE!

Just tonight, Velvet informed me she got a random text message from this gentleman:

“Think my cialis is kickin in…”

Don’t worry though..  5 minutes later he then sent “LOL”  making that statement completely normal.  Shoot – guys text me about their erectile dysfunction all the time.  

Velvet is going to be postponing that date..

Correct me if I am wrong, but – if a girl wants more than one guy, shouldn’t she be the one seeing if someone is comfortable with that, and not the other way around?

“Would you be willing to date a guy who was open to sharing u with another guy?”

So, let me get this straight.. He already thinks I am too much to handle?  This message is offensive.   Does he have the other guy already in mind?  Either way,  absolutely not.   I think it’s okay to casually go out on dates with how many ever people you want,  but if you’re going to be any sort of physical,  one at a time.  Call me old fashioned in that regard.

I feel like this doofus could be suggesting so many different things..  I did respond back “What?” to the message, but have yet to hear a response.   If it is any bit entertaining,   I will certainly follow up.