Why Form Letters Piss Me Off

25 Sep

Everyone online dating gets form letters all the time, which are what I call messages that could easily have been copied and pasted and sent to anyone.  Normally I shrug them off (and don’t respond to them..)  but today this message just pissed me off:

“Hi there,
How are you doing? Look I would write more, but as I have found out on this site, you could write someone a message, and they won’t bother to read it. That is besides the fake profiles, and the pickyness of some people. I like your profile, like what you mentioned, and think you are really pretty, so I figured I’d break the ice. If you’re interested that would be nice, if not, I wish you luck in your search.”

You know what a girl reads when she gets a message like this????  Here, let me tell you:

“I’ve been doing this online dating thing for awhile now, and when I take time and effort, girls don’t respond.  I have now crafted this beast which I can send to anyone who passes my attractiveness test.  Guess what!?  You’re a winner!  Now, you go do all the work and read through my profile.  If you like what you read, respond back..  I will then look at your profile and probably find some big deal-breaker in there, and then not respond…  Or, I’m only looking for sex.. Once again, You’ve Won!!”

Seriously guys,  it would take less time to skim the profile and send a message that merely asks “I saw you like to knit.  How long does it take you to make a scarf?”  or ANYTHING!  (If it’s on her profile, it’s game.. with the exception of anything sexual – which shouldn’t be on there in the first place.   See It’sNotAMatch.com‘s most recent post.)

Once again, I will have you jump forward with me in the time machine for a moment-  You’re in love, you’re married, what have you:    Someone asks her how you two met.  She responds “He copied and pasted a message to me that he sent to several other girls.”   If that sounds like a romantic story to you, then by all means:  Proceed.   If not.. you may want to rethink the form letter.

I leave you with this:  “If you don’t change direction, you may wind up where you are heading.”

 

Single Hand of Uno

24 Sep

“I once played a single hand of UNO that went on for six hours…it was horrible. “

I wasn’t sure what to make of this message..  I don’t mention the card game “Uno” in my profile, but have played it before.  But- maybe he didn’t mean the card game and meant he played a single hand of Uno for six hours.   And in that case – Duuuuuude…  It was not meant to be.   (DO YOU SEE WHAT ONLINE DATING HAS DONE TO MY POOR MIND!?)

I was intrigued – so I wrote back:

“Hmm..”

“We had to finish. “

“I suppose.”

“Are you a kinky gal?”

Aha!  There it is.

“That is none of your business – and I am not quite sure what part of your mind finds it appropriate to ask that of a complete stranger.”

If you are going to be a creep – and a girl responds such as how I did to your “Are you kinky?” question..  Grow a set and respond back to that so she understands why you thought it was a good idea.   Or, did you forget there was an actual person on the other end?

Intense Connection – Part Deuce

23 Sep
Hi folks, Velvet here…
Most importantly, CatLady has me on the twitter now, so ya’ll should follow me. Because I have, like, 17 followers and it is kind of pathetic. @Velvet_licious. Do it-you know you wanna.
But, those few (awesome!) followers became aware of and requested a blog entry about an update about my Intense Connection. (If you didn’t read the first one, scroll down and do so) CatLady made you all aware of my apparent ability to make people I find ZERO attraction to fall deeply and madly and instantly in love with me. This guy is just…well…a little over the top? I have the distinct impression he is one of those dudes who goes around saying “Nice Guys Finish Last” and doesn’t realize that it has NOTHING to do with the fact that he is a nice guy, and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that he is desperately clingy! And trust me, folks- if I think you are clingy-you have serious issues. I am the girl who ADORES daily messages and sappy, mushy, lovey-dovey Facebook status updates and shit.
WHY do I think he is over the top and a teensy bit unbalanced? Because he sent me a 6 paragraph, 870 word (I was curious, so I pasted it into a Word doc…) email today. Mind you, this was after I sent him that very up front and polite message letting him know I am not interested, since he didn’t get the many MANY hints I gave him in person during our date.
What. The. Hell???
I was going to just copy the whole thing here. BUT I thought that was a little past mean into the bitchy zone. So instead, let me summarize for you:
Dearest Velvet,
*Paragraph 1… stating that he really really really (yes, he used 3 reallys) enjoyed getting to know me
*Paragraph 2… listing all of the things he wished he had said and done while on the date with me (mind you, not one of the things he listed would have changed a thing-no spark is no spark buddy)
*Paragraph 3… THIS is the one everyone should learn from. He went into GREAT detail about what a “spineless, rude, self centered, inconsiderate mushball” he was, and how he was really only himself for about 10 minutes, and he really hopes that I will give him another chance. Gee, with THAT glowing self recommendation, sign me the heck up!! Everyone: if a date doesn’t go well, pointing out all the things about you that suck will NOT make the memory of that bad date any shinier.
*Paragraph 4… here is where even if I had been thinking to myself, “Velvet, this guy obviously is really sweet on you, maybe you should just check your hotsy totsy self and give it another go!” This here is where he immediately got planted firmly in the same wackadoodle nutcase as Meow Man. He went on for 128 words about how since I like to people watch (something I mentioned on our date, to try to make him feel better about the super awkward silence while we stared off into the crowd) I should try hanging out at this fetish bar in the city near my hometown, so I could watch “people who pay to get whipped, electrocuted, etc” WHAT??? Who suggests that??
*Paragraph 5… Yeah, I kept reading. I don’t know why. This paragraph was when he explained how everyone can have a bad day, and if I could wait a while so I could forget how bad that was, and somehow go back to the way I felt before the date, I should really consider it. Unless the lack of chemistry was because he is shorter than me, then I could just skip it. Really? I can? I have your freakin nutty permission? GEE THANKS!
*Paragraph 6… He promised he wouldn’t try to contact me again, because he didn’t want me to think that “this spineless mushball was a stalker, too”
And this, folks, is why I may be moving in with CatLady and all of her furry little friends…
(CatLady would like to comment that if this had been her, she would have been a “bitch” and posted the actual message.)

Intense Connection

22 Sep

Remember when I told you that if I am not interested in someone that I have met online, that they become intensely interested in me?  Apparently, Velvet shares that disease.

She went out on a date with a gentleman who she ended up not being interested in.  I think it’s safe to say that a lot of us online dating struggle with the let-down, and prefer to let things sort of fizzle out on their own.  Most of us are guilty of ignoring messages, hoping the other end takes the hint.  For fantastic blog entry purposes,  I have access to her Google Voice account, and her OKCupid page.. so she may be surprised to see this.

When she was telling me about her date,  she informed me she ended it with “Thank you for the evening.”  and neglected to add “We should hang out again.”  (If a girl doesn’t say she’d like to hang out again.. trust me, she wouldn’t. — And sometimes she will say it anyway to not be awkward..)

After the date, she got a text:

“You are captivating my mind.”

And shortly after… another:

“Thank you for such a great evening. For your time.  Your incredibly fun spirit. For just being a cool person to hang out with beyond your outer beauty.”

…

“I love it when you blush.  Your eyes light up and you get that grin…”

“Are you interested/available to do something tomorrow or Tuesday night?  I don’t want to monopolize or your life but look forward to seeing you again.”

These text messages were ignored.   So, the next day, the following message appeared on her OKCupid account:

“Dearest Velvet,  

Good morning!!! My brain is still spinning from our date, and pulse still fast. I must have eaten something really bad to explain it.  NO… it’s you, or us but I wasn’t this way before meeting you so to me, it’s you.”

I am quite proud of Velvet for what she did next, which was respond to the message:

“[Guy Velvet Clearly Isn’t Interested In],

There’s just no easy way to put this, but I didn’t want to just “fade to black” on you either.  There appears to be a drastic difference between the way you are feeling and the way I am feeling.  You are a great guy, and have many of the things I am looking for – but alas the required ‘spark’ just isn’t there.  I am sorry the feeling isn’t mutual, I have been on the receiving end of this type of message, and to be blunt, I know it kinda sucks.  Take care, okay?”  

If you take away any point from the blog entry tonight, it should be this:   It will freak a girl out if you get overly intense about her, especially if she wasn’t feeling it.   If you keep it slightly vanilla,  you might have a better chance of getting to date #2, or at least make a new friend.

Tawkify Phone Date Tips

21 Sep

After my Mystery Date from Tawkify,  I took it easy for a little bit with the Tawkify stuff… I can’t let everyone in my area get to see just how awesome I am, you know.

But – Last weekend I had my 4th (not 100% positive on this number..) Tawkify Phone Date.  I was told by the matchmaker that I just had to accept this tawk, because this match was really cute.   I can handle cute..

I have often blogged about my Tawkify experiences, so you should know that only one of my phone dates really seemed to have any sort of potential, and it didn’t work out.  I still get a little worried that I might actually know the other person on the end of the line, but I still vouch that these are very fun, and I highly recommend it.

Phone Date #4 was fun.. I don’t know that anything will come of it.. I still have yet to ever meet one of my phone dates in person – so I am really hoping that will change in the near future.

But – since I should have convinced you to give Tawkify a try by now, I figured I’d share some tips on how to have a fun phone call:

1) Get the awkward out of the way-  note that it’s really weird that complete strangers have matched you up over the phone.   You are both in that same position, and it helps you bond.

2)  (I have to do this,  you may skip if you desire..)  Establish that you don’t know the person in real life.  I explain how I once was matched with someone I knew in real life.. and actually trying to determine if you know one another is a fun little game, and at very least gives you some clues for social networking stalking later.

3)  Don’t have a list of questions.  It’s not a job interview – you are making a new friend.   (And for crying out loud – DON’T ask “What do you like to do for fun?”  I freaking hate this question..   Have someone ask you that sometime and realize how awkward it is to answer.)

4)   Tawkify gives you a few details about the person on the phone..  Use this as a conversation starter.   Remember when I rant that no one reads online dating profiles?   They send you 3 sentences.. READ THEM!

5)  Smile.  People can tell if you are smiling, and no one wants to be on the phone with a grouchy pants.

6)  If it gets uncomfortably silent,  you can always ask what their Klout score is (since Tawkify matches on Klout score..) and what Klout thinks they are influential in.   (If you don’t know your Klout score.. look it up..  at least for me – it has me influential in things I am totally not influential about..)

Seriously though – fastest 10 minutes ever, I promise.

Who all has signed up already.. I want to hear how it’s going!!

If You’re Gonna Be Gross..

20 Sep

Note to Self..  If you complain that no one is messaging you,  you will get this:

“yummy! I also give free throat stretching lessons.”

I’m sorry- but in what universe is that appropriate?!     I don’t understand male’s fascination with sending perverted stuff..

Seriously..  If you HAVE to send something in this type of nature, you should really at least make it seem like it’d be worth the girl’s time.     I mean, gee.. let me just drop everything and go visit a complete stranger to get him off..  That sounds like such a great time.

Honestly.. I’d take a cat over this selfish jackass any day… and I don’t even like cats.

Why Girls Don’t Make the First Move

19 Sep

Before reading, you must be sure you are familiar with Super Hot POF Guy.

Despite what I had thought originally,  Super Hot POF Guy’s insanely attractive good looks did not bring out the extra awkward in me.   The first time we met for drinks, I was slightly guarded, since meeting people off the internet is scary sometimes.  But, the 2nd time (a month later) was fine –  I got to look at his gorgeous face, and we conversed very easily about a wide variety of topics. (Which oddly enough, included silk bed sheets…  so I feel like there was flirtation involved.)  But-  nothing happened..

So, another month later, when I was invited to a baseball game with two other couples.. I decided I really had nothing to lose by asking Super Hot POF Guy to accompany me.   The phone call itself was nerve-wracking,  and I spoke fast and I know I also said, “This doesn’t have to be a date.”   (Guys:  If a girl seems awkward asking.. even if she says it’s not a date:  It’s a date.)  Super Hot POF Guy agreed to go.  Yes!  Now at very least, I had a good reason to get my picture taken with him!   (I also want to throw out there that there wasn’t silence in between meeting him and calling him..  just so I don’t look like a huge freak.)

Remember a long time ago when I told you that girls plan out everything?  True to form, I came up with a brilliant plan.

We got to the game, found our group, took our photo and settled in.  “Oh,  just a warning, Super Hot POF Guy..  if that kiss cam points in our direction, I WILL be attacking your face.”   I figured saying something as such would a) give me permission to attack his face if the kiss cam made an appearance, or at very least b) give him an open invitation.    What I had failed to consider was this response:  “My girlfriend might have a problem with that.”  

Well, geez.. THAT wasn’t uncomfortable AT ALL.

You will be pleased to know that the kiss cam, luckily, did not point in our direction.   But the rest of the game certainly got a little awkward, as well as the walk back to the car, and the ride home.

…And that’s why it will be awhile before I will grow another set of balls and make the first move again.

 

***After a few Twitter comments, I feel the need to clarify:  I don’t think Super Hot POF Guy is a douche-bag.  I think it’s commendable that he put a stop to anything happening…  AND – I did tell him it wasn’t a date…  I think it’s just more hilarious that I always tend to get myself in awkward situations.

Flowery and Complimentary

18 Sep

“Normally when I write someone i try to be all flowery and complimentary, but you have a snake in one of your pictures. it freaked me out. Thought that was something that you needed to know.”

Uhh…. Thank you?

Actually, if this guy lived anywhere in proximity to me, I probably would have responded to this message..    It did make me laugh.   But – only going with a message based on pictures is not the brightest idea.

Guys – in a first message – you don’t need to tell a girl you find her attractive.  That’s a given because you messaged her.. (Well, most of the time, anyway..)   Again, go with the conversation and keep her engaged..  that will indicate to her that if she agrees to meet up with you,  you guys will have something to talk about!

Let’s Talk about Twitter

16 Sep

I freaking love the Twitter..   You learn so much more about a person through what they tweet about, and how they interact with the world in 140 characters than you do reading a bio.   The bio on OKCupid (or POF) is someone awkwardly sitting at their computer, trying to dig deep into themselves to put their best foot forward.   People on Twitter (well, active users anyway..)  talk and converse about interesting things.  And there’s no pressure.

I would like to propose the concept of finding someone who fascinates you, who you don’t get to see a lot of pictures of.   I have two pretty big Twitter crushes (one slightly more prominent than the other), and sadly these guys are not in my area..   but, even so, I know that I’d be very comfortable meeting up with them.  (As well as a few others on Twitter that I am not Twitter-crushing on. – And for those of you who follow my Twitter closely, I will not be confirming or denying anything…)

I think OKCupid should have an option to allow your twitter feed to show on your profile.   (Granted –  for me – I’d have to use my personal Twitter to stay anonymous, and that one is not nearly as fun as my CatLady Twitter..)

Here’s an example:   Those of you who closely follow my Twitter know who I consider to be my Twitter boyfriend.  (Those of you who don’t will just have to follow me on Twitter.)  I have had the opportunity to see his OKCupid profile, and of course, I follow him on Twitter as well.    His OKC profile gives a nice summary of things he finds interesting, but based on his Twitter account – I know that he is passionate about programming.  He could easily write on his profile that he is passionate about programming, but his Twitter account makes me understand the passion.  (He does it for work, and for fun on the weekends.)

If I didn’t follow him on Twitter, I wouldn’t know that he orders out for every meal of the day, and I certainly wouldn’t know how easy it is to make him digitally squirm.  (Teeheehee!)  If his Twitter feed were on his OKCupid profile,  someone interested would be able to grasp a bit more of his personality, and maybe understand that he will spend a lot of time being a nerdy programmer.  Certainly would save a girl lot of time if that would be a deal-breaker.

I have always said I’m more apt to find a boyfriend via Twitter than an online dating website.    (Too bad he lives so far away… haha!  Kidding, Twitter Boyfriend..)

So – anyway…  OKCupid – you are welcome for my genius idea.

 

Conversation Starters

15 Sep

Geez – the 23 year olds must be on the prowl this week!   I got a message from a 23 year old who’s ideal first date would be “Laser tag, duh.”

“Seedless watermelon, how do they do it!?”

Well – great question.. Ask the Google – how am I supposed to know?

However, his message did make me laugh… and at least it beats “Hey, whats up?” which drives me nuts.   But, alas, I know not the answer he seeks.

“Do I look like a seedless watermelon expert to you?”

I have yet to hear back.  He has the right idea, though.

Everyone online dating is fine, and if they aren’t fine or great – you probably don’t want to know.   Getting someone talking about something is a great way to get the conversation started.  Preferably something they might know a little bit about.. shots in the dark won’t necessarily work in your favor.

Mmm… Seedless watermelon…  I gotta go.

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