Soon2BeCatLady

“I’ll venture to say you have received 923 messages that go:

“Hi, my name is Bernard. 🙂 I’m 42, five times divorced, and live in a trailer park. My ideal first date would be you buying me ice cream, and taking you back to my place and snuggling in the girth of my body.”

Well, I hate to disappoint you, but I just can’t possibly measure up to those guys.”

I get what he’s trying to do, but at the same time.. He’s right, he doesn’t measure up.. He sent a form letter.   Form letters are dumb, not to mention 42 years old is out of my comfort for age in a potential romance.

This message would be okay if it had something added at the end that made it seem like he didn’t send it to every woman he saw on the http://www.. the “personalized form letter” if you will..

Sigh… some people will never learn.

I received a message from a man on the meat market, and based on his user name, he thinks quite highly of his tongue skills.   His request to prove those skills was quite interesting:

“I would chew thru my own leg to get the chance to taste u”

Now – come on.  What does he think someone will respond to that?  “Oh no, don’t do that – here, have at it.”?   I’d would honestly LOVE to see what sort of responses he gets to a message such as this.   Since I will never know, I will show you what I responded:

“Hmm. Well, if you in fact chewed through your own leg, I would think about giving you a chance.. The likelihood still wouldn’t be very great, but I’d at least consider it. Ball’s in your court.”

..I’m sorry, but if you are going to boldly suggest doing something that ridiculous for something in return –   Step up to the plate, my friend.

“LMAO. Uve got moxy. I love it”

Apparently we are not going to put our money where our mouth is..  Perhaps another day.

Oh POF – I need to spend some more time with you, because your users crack me up.

“You are wicked cute. How do you look naked??”

Oh geez…  I literally laughed out loud in the break area when I read this message this morning.  I may or may not have gotten a couple weird looks.

“For the record — Horrible.”

I am not sure why I thought this was going to work to make him move along..  perhaps because it was morning and I wasn’t fully awake yet?    But, I was pretty happy with my response, until I got his response:

“No!!!!! Proof?”

Yeah… guess I just walked right into that one, huh?   So – I then sent him a naked photo of myself… haha,  just kidding!

A post from Velvet:

Ok, so you remember the message where the sender called me a “dickweed delinquent”? If not, go back and refresh your memory. You back?  Okay – here we are, about 2 weeks later:

“Can we still be OK? This is not a real form of knowing anyone, it is just passing notes in Jr High.”

*

I didn’t respond. I just didn’t care that much, and I didn’t yet see the humor factor. Just wait…    Another message rolled in:

“I am at your feet. Oh Guru in the sky, tell me where I went wrong. What did I do to hurt you so???I am a fool and a great fire god on the mountain.  Show me the error of my ways.”

Wait- He’s a fool AND a fire god??

“Really?? You called me names in your strange and confusing message…and proclaimed me winner of the Marko Lotto?? I am all for witty and goofball-odd messages, but yours was insulting and mean.”

“So sorry. Chalk it up to me being an idiot, I admit it and there is an, “I am so sorry”, attached to it. I so did not mean in any way to offend you” [so you meant dickweed delinquent in a good way??] “That was a huge mistake and you seem to be a seriously genuine person. [I am pretty awesome] Can we start over? I would very much like that.”

“So let me lay it out for you… Unlike you, I use these beginning messages as a way to decide if there is enough about a person to interest me in meeting them face to face. You are right-these messages are passing notes in junior high. But before I agree to meet you under the bridge after school, there has to be a reason why I want to know you. Right now I am neutral to a bit negative. If you think you can change that-go to it. I accept your apology.”

*

I responded because I had a dying curiosity as to how he would bounce back from this.  Two days pass. Yes, he has been online in those 3 days, and I admit I was kind of sad that I wasn’t going to get any wackadoodle messages, so—

“*chuckle* Am I to assume you aren’t up to the challenge? Hmmm…”

“Um, let me begin… Why might you do that? Is this to entrance or inflame me?” [definitely wanted to inflame you, dude. This is funny stuff!] “We might be a great team or hate each other/Who is to know what the future may bring. If I was in Jr High and you sent me that note, I would have Nelson kick the shit out of you.” [What????] “Be quiet your tongue” [oh no you DIDN’T!!] “and be a real person. That was crap, or if you have the guts to stand up and be civilized, I of course would welcome you.” [oh goodie!!] “If this is typical passive/aggressive Nordic discourse, please walk along. If you really want something you should do the hard work.” [didn’t I tell him I was neutral to negative? I DON’T really want something here…] “Try to be good, try to be real, and not the crap show you are fronting.”

Okay, I should have let this drop. But it is just too funny… So:

“Not at all… you asked if we could be ok, and apologized for your insult. I accepted your apology and said it was up to you if you wanted to show me something non-insulting to see if a meetup could happen.” [or to laugh at you. Jury is still out…] “When you didn’t respond to that, I was curious if you didn’t feel you had anything other than insults to offer. I guess based on your response, I have my answer! I will take my attention elsewhere, lest I get my ass kicked by this “Nelson” you speak of. Best of luck to you!!”

“Ok. We need to hit the “RESET” button. We both are verbose” [yeah, but I make sense and you are a wack job] “and we both know how to defend ourselves. Do either of us know how to do that other thing I hear whispered in the darkest alleys at night, like um, caring about our fellow human friends and nurturing their accomplishments dreams and hopes??!! F*ck that. Ok I had to put that in there, hard core.” [wtf??] “Life is super busy and things and stuff. Next week would be better.”

*

Part of me is really tempted to reply. You just can’t make this stuff up, folks… Yeah, I will probably send another message. I’ll keep you all posted!

Someone got a little cranky that a certain almost Cat Lady didn’t respond when she was checking her messages on her phone, while on a short break at work, and decided to send another message.

“Delete your profile if you don’t have time to talk. Moron.”

Oh my gosh..  GUYS!!!   Why didn’t you tell me I didn’t have to pretend to have a life?!  I didn’t realize totally desperate is what you were looking for – cuz I can DEFINITELY play that card.

From now on,  I am going to sit by the phone, errr.. computer, and anxiously await for your messages, and respond back within 5 seconds so you know I am interested.   However – Don’t immediately respond back to me – I need a man who has a life so that when he is out doing things, I can be playing with my cats.   Deal?!

“Hi,

I messaged you not too long ago, but I’m guessing you got busy, and haven’t had time to respond. Either that, or you’re not interested. I’m not sure which, but I’m still curious if you’d like to chat?”

Guys – if a girl doesn’t respond back within a few days (provided she has been online..)  She is NOT into you, and sending another message – unless it is amazingly clever and witty (and still maybe not..) won’t be changing anything.

This guy’s “Self Summary” part of his profile is a huge rant on how people are SO rude if they don’t respond – which is why I am quite surprised he messaged twice.   I am generally a nice person, but as you all should know by now, I don’t respond to form letters.

What’s even better though is that after his rant about how we shouldn’t be rude and respond, even if to say “No Thanks.”   He then says it pisses him off how people stop responding after awhile,  or delete their profile -and how if the reader plans to do that, don’t bother to respond in the first place.  (Wait.. what?)

I did respond to his message letting him know that my online dating pet peeve is Form Letters, and that’s why he didn’t get a response- and then also a snippet of why I also wasn’t interested.