“This can be considered a joke”

27 Mar

Unless a person specifically states that joking about such things is appropriate, I would suggest maybe waiting until you actually know a person before sending a beauty such as this:

“Dear pretty lady,

I have a lovely, rather large, naturally brewed, foreign raised stick that is constantly bugging me to ask you if you’d be interested in being poked down there. My stick wants to assure that sounds like aah and ooh will arise from both parties during such repetitive poking.

Should you be interested, address me to your place asap to deliver the full package at your couch or possibly shower.

Looking forward to your earliest reply.
Mischievously yours,
Big-stick Leo

Ps. My god you’re pretty!
Pps. This can be considered a joke. “

 

Oh Big-stick Leo…   I almost have no words.   Again, maybe funny coming from someone you know really well… but a complete stranger?   Yeah, no thanks.  Even if it is 100% a joke,  agreeing to meet up is going to put any girl in an uncomfortable situation,  unless she is the type of girl who is online dating specifically to get laid.

My imaginary cats are yowling.

 

How Did He Know?!

26 Mar

I just love when guys online practically read my mind:

“hey want to suck my dick and get some papa johns?”

Do these guys just wake up thinking to themselves, “I bet a complete stranger will totally blow me today!”?    Is this not absurd?     Now,  if my profile suggested I was good at such a thing,  I would expect no less..  but,  people really shouldn’t be soliciting this (or sex, for that matter..) from someone who doesn’t specifically say that is what they are looking for.

Luckily there is a venue for guys to say such things, because if someone approached me in real life and said this exact same thing – he may have gotten a drink in the face.. or better yet, a kick to the crotch.    (My bark is much worse than my bite –  I say these things, but I’d actually probably just laugh if this happened for real.)

Oh boys..

Shame on Me!

25 Mar

Oh form letters…

“You are stunning, and yes I do take care of my self. The fact you look better than most 20 something I know, I think I may have fallen in some serious Puppy lust from afar. Do you not feel guilty for tempting this very innocent mind as such?lol

sweet smile. Nice top.”

Yes, shame on my more professional looking headshot for making you super innocent 41 year old man trolling Plenty of Fish puppy lust from afar.   (I assume “from afar”  is because he lives about a 4 hour plane ride away.)

I am so glad he clarified that he takes care of himself as well.   That will make it much easier to decide to meet up should he ever be in my area.  (Did you feel my eyeroll across the interwebs?)

I am not sure why some people waste one another’s time on this stuff.  I highly doubt he will be moving any time soon.  I sure have no intentions of it – at least not because of someone I met online.

What? A GOOD Online Dating Profile!?

24 Mar

I write a lot about the stupid messages I get.. because well, they are entertaining.  Like I have said before also,  I have gotten real messages and have come across some online dating profiles that don’t make me want to rip my fingernails out.

I actually first visited the profile I am writing about in August.   His profile was AWESOME.   I sent out a message with just sheer kudos to it.  I went back and revisited the other day, and with permission, am sharing some of it with you.

This is what I consider to be a good, and entertaining, online dating profile.

He hooked me right from the start:

My Self Summary:

“I own a cooler that has a radio built into it. I don’t party really, and if I do it’s usually where there is a fridge. When I camp I don’t listen to the radio. So basically it’s the most wonderfully useless thing I could own. I think of parting with it but I think to myself. “Troy, what if you were to go to a party out in the woods? What if people wanted to dance? Troy you could be the dance maker, the bringer of funk, the savior of the party.”

So it sits in my living room, a force of potential energy unspent.

That’s about it really.”

What a huge sigh of relief from the traditional “I like sports and outdoor activities.”     I didn’t need to even read any farther from here,  I pretty much love this guy.     That whole thing could be completely made up garbage, but I have a feeling that deep down – this probably describes him perfectly.  (**Please note, I have never met this guy.    I once told him kudos for his profile, and now months later asked if I could use him as an example.)

But anyway-  no surprise here – his profile continues on.

What I am doing with my life:

“Right now I’m sitting back in the sun, wearing some awesome 80’s sun glasses, and drinking shitty canned beer. Metaphorically.

Doesn’t that sound lovely? It sure is.”

It does sound lovely.   It does leave me wonder what he does not metaphorically, but I am almost positive that’s the point.   It encourages discussion.

Other reasons why I love this guy:    He thinks napping is the best.   He changed the “Six Things I Could Never Do Without” question to “What six characteristics do you think will define you when you are super damn old?”    and he is self proclaimed “relatively happy and perhaps a little socially awkward.”

Don’t go copy his profile – but if you are doing the online dating thing, maybe rethink your answers a little bit.  A little bit of thought never hurt anyone.

 

**I would also like to clarify that I don’t actually love this guy.  That would be silly, I don’t know him.   I am just doing the girl thing that we all do,  to prove a point.

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Fetish?

23 Mar

“Hi, how are you? I like your profile and pics! Do you like to wear tights and nylons?”

….Do I like to wear tights and nylons?!    I mean, geez, for the record:  Every now and again but no, not really.    What would prompt you to ask a complete stranger something like that?

I get that it’s hard to believe there is an actual person on the other side of the screen.   I think a good rule to follow is:  If you wouldn’t say it to a complete strangers face (while sober, might I add..)  you probably shouldn’t say it in an online dating message.   Add in times 1000 if you actually want to meet someone online for other reason then their nylons.

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“I’m Not a Creep”

22 Mar

I think I have literally lost my mind..  but since I have no evidence to prove otherwise,  my brain is intact – and this actually happened in real life.

I received a text message last night from a number that wasn’t even close to local.

“Hey how are u?”

Because I have been very busy the last few days,  I didn’t feel the need to respond to this.   About twenty minutes later, I got another text.

“U there?”

Again, this text was ignored.

Early this afternoon,  I received yet another text.

“How are u?”

About an hour and a half later:

“Is this [CatLady]?”

Okay.. this person knows who I am..  I waited a few hours to respond, as again I have had a few things going on to lately.  I finally responded..

“Who is this?”

“Its stewart u wanna chat?”

“I don’t know who you are.  I’ve got a lot of stuff going on right now.”

“I am a nice guy and what kind of stuff?”

“U there?”

“I am otherwise distracted right now.  Everything is fine, but I can’t talk.”

“Oh sorry I will talk to u later”

Two short hours later:

“Is everything going okay [CatLady]?   Please let me know.”

…What on earth?

“Explain to me who you are..”

“I am stewart from [city] and u [CatLady]?”

At this point,  I am confused, overwhelmed in general from other stuff, and figured the best course of action was to call my “old pal” Stewart and find out what exactly I was missing.

He answered a normal “Hello?”  and I said “..And how do I know you?”   And as if it wasn’t weird already:

“I saw you on Facebook.”

“On Facebook?”

“Yeah.  I saw you and Facebook and want to get to know you.   I’m really not a creep.”

Guys-  if you feel the need to tell a girl that you aren’t a creep, or creepy..  I hate to break it to you- but you ARE.

My phone number that I use for business is public on my Facebook page.  Stewart, I guess, stumbled upon on my page, and decided to PUT MY NUMBER IN HIS PHONE!?

He asked me where I was from, reiterated that he is not a creepy guy.. and I told him that I had family stuff I needed to go take care of.   He told me he wants to get to know me.  I told him it would have to be another time.

Seriously.. WTF?

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Sounds like a recipe for disaster…

21 Mar

Before I give you the message-  I want to point out that this is only what crossed my mind – and it isn’t necessarily a “bad” message.   But it makes me go “Hmm..”

“hello my name is brian. I’m looking for someone that can go out and have a good time but is ok with a saturday night in. I’m not really a big partier. I’m really outgoing but would rather hang out with a few friends than go out bar hopping. I’m looking for someone to come home to after work, make dinner, and hang out on the couch. On the weekends, go out to target and the grocery store. Couple times a month go out to a concert or just out to dinner. I’m not looking for someone that wants to go out and drink ever friday night but can still go out and party every once and while. If that sounds like you message me back.”

First of all –  Brian is a very slender guy.   Very.   I feel that information is important.

So  – let’s dissect, shall we?

“I’m looking for someone that can go out and have a good time but is ok with a saturday night in”  —   Brian – that’s just on about EVERY girls’ online dating profile.

“I’m looking for someone to come home to after work, make dinner, and hang out on the couch. On the weekends, go out to target and the grocery store. Couple times a month go out to a concert or just out to dinner.”    —  Now,  while I appreciate that Brian is a very trim young man –  does he not realize that staying in, hanging out on the couch, eating dinner and going out to dinner on “date night” does NOT do wonders for a female’s metabolism?

I try very hard to be an active person.  I don’t necessarily enjoy it, but it’s important, as I like my clothes to fit.   The thought of sitting all day at my desk job, to go home, eat and do nothing on the couch scares me.   I know how that works out for me in the long run.   I get dumped for gaining weight.. when it would totally not be my fault.

Again –  it’s not that Brian sent a “bad” message, per say..   But, I think he should re-evaluate.   (Not to mention my hate for it because it’s a form letter.)

“They ain’t love handles if nobody loves ya!”  (Anyone else miss Will & Grace?)

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Trickery

20 Mar

“You still haven’t said when I get to take you out???”

That’s because you have not ONCE talked to me before, you strange strange man.

Seriously – why do some of you who parade the meat markets think we  are stupid?    Especially since most dating websites will combine messages from the same user-  so, it also INFORMS me that we haven’t spoken.

I wonder how often he gets a response to that message with “Oh.. oops!”

I’m sorry – but if someone believes I am going to be tricked into that –  I know that relationship would be doomed from the start.   I imagine he would be quite a manipulative catch..

Maybe I’m wrong.. but I don’t intend to find out.

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Tagline: I don’t like to wear pants.

19 Mar
Hey everybody!  This is J, filling in for the Cat Lady today as she tends to some family things that came up.  Yes, she’s a real person with a life outside of blogging and online dating.
 
Last week I decided it would be fun to move beyond my “this is me in real life” profiles and make up a bogus profile just to see what kind of responses it gets.  The fake profile was on Plenty Of Fish, which Cat Lady affectionately refers to as the “Meat Market”. The information I provided goes as follows:
 
Tagline: I don’t like to wear pants.
Occupation: I look good in my cubicle.
About Me: I just want to have a good time.
 
The photo that I put up was of my legs, sporting some fishnets and sassy five and a half inch heels. Rawr, I know.  However, I was also aware that due to the photo not containing my face, it would be removed once the site administrators were made aware of it. 
 
This profile went up Tuesday night around 10pm. By the time I awoke at 7 on Wednesday, I had received nearly 100 messages. Most were things like “Wow, I’d like to wrap those legs around my face” and other classy, yet typical POF messages (except with many more spelling and grammar errors – are these guys cavemen, really?).
 
By 7pm my photo had been removed. Sad.  I expected the messages to stop at that point; who is going to take the time to message someone with pretty much no personal information in her profile and no photo?  Boy, was I wrong!  I’ve continued to get 50-75 emails per day through this profile, which is even more than I get on my “this is me in real life” POF profile with photos and personal information.
 
I think my favorite messages are the ones that contain essay style erotica. Seriously, boys?  I know there’s no way in HELL you wrote that yourself. What kind of response are you expecting to get when you give me six paragraphs highly descriptively telling me what you want to do to me while on a picnic in the park? Hmm?
 
Here are a few other examples of awesomeness from the Meat Market:
  • You have a beautiful smile.  (Remember, the photo didn’t include my face.)
  • you dont like 2 ware pants wow you love fat c o c k.  (How are these things related?)
  • well could we ahve good time in the bed.?.  (Which bed?)
  • My fat dick has big loads u love a lot of cum.  (Umm…that’s nice.)
  • Do you ever see a guy and think gee I wonder what it would be like to give him the best blowjob of his life?  (Why yes, all the time.)
  • Hi, I’m ****. I’m interested in having a good time with you. I can host or provide a hotel. I will also compensate you for your time. (Is this real life?)
  • How are you today i’m so horny and want head how many creepy messages do you get in a day lol. (Including this one? Too many.)
  • i dontwant u to wear pants when ur goin to be riding me hard till i make u cum on my dik. (Ride’em cowboy.)
 
I think that’s enough for now. Hope everyone had a great St. Patrick’s Day!
 
~J

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Out-of-Towner

17 Mar

Oh Plenty of Fish,  you keep tricking me into believing there are decent people in the world!  ::shakes fist::


“How spontaneous would you consider yourself”

Ack – I hated this question from the start.  In real life –  I am more spontaneous than most.   In regards to online dating,  not really.

“Depends on the situation.”

“Well the situation is you are gorgeous..Im in [city] with nothing to do  and would totally buy you a drink 🙂 thats pretty spontaneous”

“It is.. but sadly, it’s a work night.  Thanks though.”

I then looked to see that this guy lives about 6 hours driving distance away.

“tonight is a work night?  what do you do?  And what is tomorrow”

“I meant I work early tomorrow.. so I am in for the night.  I work in [field].  Tomorrow is Friday.”

“lol ooo a smartass 🙂 I like it…Tomorrow happy hour?”

“I don’t know about that.”

“well I told you it’d have to be spontaneous. It amazes me that people always pass up on opportunities in life. Maybe Im just more curious and always wonder what if, or hate to wonder what if and like to just go for. I think thats whats helped make me successful in life….But obviously it doesn’t seem I’m going to be successful in knowing what getting to know you would be like”

“There is nothing wrong with spontaneous – however – you have to understand that I am a female, and driving 45 minutes away from home to meet a stranger on the internet doesn’t necessarily sound like the safest thing ever.. especially considering I know absolutely zilch about you.”

“lol well then have the stranger drive 45 mins to see u”

I did not agree to anything- but gave him my pseudo number.  (Again, Google Voice for the win, people..  Get one..)  I was at least intrigued to learn what would happen next.

So – I got a text message today, asking what I was doing.  Well – working obviously.  Sadly, blogging has yet to start paying my bills.

“So what are you doing after work”

“I am not 100% sure yet.”   – A true statement.

“So wanna drink and maybe make out”

Duuuuude- I don’t even know this guy’s name.  I’ll be honest, with not much to do on a Friday night –  I contemplated meeting up for the heck of it.. until he said that.  (I would have bought my own drink..)  Granted, that was a lot tamer than most of the online dating “requests” I receive..  but still-   saying yes to a drink but no to “maybe making out”  would almost ensure I’d be roof’ied.

Guess I’m stayin’ in tonight.  =)

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