Tag Archives: online dating

Be Aggressive in Dating!!

13 Jan

If you aren’t tuning into my weekly podcast,  you are missing out.   Last week we discussed being aggressive in dating, and I wanted to re-cap as well as add a thought or two.

My sexy beast of a co-host, @A_Dude79, brought up that he read an article that suggests to males that instead of beating around the bush and asking a girl if she’d like to get coffee,  BE AGGRESSIVE and tell the girl you’d like to take her out on a date.   If she says yes, then there is no question whatsoever that it’s a date.   If she says no, then you’ve saved yourself some money.  At the very least everyone is on the same page.

I agree with this entirely.  Being aggressive shows that you know what you want, and you aren’t afraid to take a risk to get it.  It’s just manly to tell a girl you’d like to take her out on a date.   And –  most girls want to date a man.  — I know I do.

We discussed on the podcast that “Let’s get coffee sometime”  can be taken a number of different ways.   Now –  let me tell you this:   Most girls know that this means a date.  We just play stupid.  If we’re not interested in dating you, we’re likely to go to coffee anyway and make it a friend-date. (And I know how much you guys hate the friend-zone..)   You are more likely to get a straight answer on if a girl is interested in you if you are aggressive.

I digitally bumped into an old acquaintance of mine,  and sent a “hello” message over because I had already clicked his page.   (Because I remember everything and everyone, I assume everyone else does as well.)  We’ve chatted back and forth, but I have absolutely no interest in dating him.  He thinks it’d be fun to get coffee and catch up.

Will I go?  Sure.

Do I think it’s a date?  No.

Does he think it’s a date?   Probably.

Would I have said yes had he asked me out on a date?   No.  (Fun fact:  I am 99% sure that he doesn’t even remember my first name.)

So why would I go to coffee then?   Because coffee is casual and I like people.  Also, because I can’t guarantee he thinks it’s a date, maybe he does just want to catch up.   And, who knows –  even though I doubt it, there could be chemistry?

Guys- just be more forward with your intentions, and consider rejection as money and time saved.   Try it out and comment or tweet to me with how it went.   I have a feeling we will all be pleasantly surprised.

 

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Poetry.. Deep, Deep Poetry.

15 May

I don’t know if I told you, but I have been on a leave of absence from OKCupid and POF  .. and OH MY GOD I miss the crazy messages.   I am bound to be back on there in the very near future, but in the meantime – I have lovely fans who send me their crazy messages.  (For the record,  I am trying out EHarmony.. but nothing crazy to report yet..  Apparently I am destined to end up with a painfully nerdy guy.)

 

Behold, perhaps the most beautiful poem ever:

 

“Relax I’m like a breath of fresh air nothing like a bad episode on Catfish I swear

I don’t wanna get in your pants or waste ya time not here to use play hurt you

I’m kinda shy scared to fly but I wanted to stop by to try and say more hi no lie

Lion king broke my heart Chivalry isn’t dead I be Batman you be Robin maybe

We can eat some hay make things out of clay lay by the bay like what do you say”

 

 

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Politeness

14 Nov

Someday…. SOMEDAY.. I would like to be a fly in the brain of someone who writes  a message like this:

“I might let you lick my butthole if you ask nicely”

….Really?  REALLY?!?!

Rule of thumb:  If you’d be uncomfortable showing your first online dating message to your mother, you probably shouldn’t send it.   Scratch probably… You shouldn’t send it.

My goodness, I hope most self-respecting individuals would need a bit more than an online dating profile and one message to be open to even the discussion of butt hole licking.

I need to go shower… right now.  ::shudders::

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Don’t Be That Guy

3 Sep

“I’m sure you’re looking for a whole lot more than me…

But I’m a hell of a lot of fun to pass the time with! I know you have some deep dark fantasies that your dying to let out. Have you ever wished you had a friend that you could just go crazy with in bed. A secret sex buddy you could explore your kinky side with? Without the worry of gossip, judgments or drama. Just pure kinky fun. I’m clean, sane, discrete and a complete sex maniac! I mean that in a fun way though. Think about it?

You’ll never know unless you try:) let’s chat?”

I must say that I am quite impressed with his decisions of where to leave a space.  It’s as if he anticipated my speaking aloud an answer before continuing on.. which, for the record were,  “Yes, I probably am looking for a whole lot more than you.”  and “I’ve thought about it –  Still no.”

Guys, for the 18 billionth time –  girls would not have trouble finding this sort of relationship if that’s what she wants..  and it really is, at least seemingly, a whole lot safer with someone that you know a little bit.    IF this were something I was looking for – and again,  it’s not..   I would need very up-to-date documentation that this was not going to end with herpes or any other STD for me.    And, stranger on the internet, very up-to-date would probably mean paperwork dated within the past week, IF you haven’t had any other action since then, which you also wouldn’t be able to prove.

Don’t be that guy.  Good things come to those who wait..

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Cat Man

29 Aug

A post from Velvet:

So…I have a multi-faceted (schizo in a fun way??) personality. And because of this, I have a varied taste in men. I have a “part” of me who is attracted to the theater/video game/artsy/Renaissance Festival kind of guy. So, when I saw a guy who fit all of those things to a T, I messaged him. He plays violin. He rides a motorcycle. Has been a massage therapist for 12 years. Going back to school for either nursing or physical therapy. You don’t know me, but all of this is PERFECT!  

So, we messaged for a while. The chemistry was great. Banter was spot on. A little bit of flirtation, but nothing that made me concerned that this guy was in it just to add a notch to the proverbial bed post.

Well, we met for coffee yesterday. Things were going swimmingly. He caught my eye through the window before I entered the coffee shop and gave me a wink that made my knees wobble. He charmed me with his stories about work and school and such, some pretty geeky stuff-but as I said, I have a deep respect and love for the nerds of the world.

So as we were slurping up the last of our coffees, when he suggested we go to his place to talk some more I didn’t hesitate. Well, I didn’t hesitate much. Middle of the day, he was literally 3 minutes from the coffee shop, I have my own vehicle with me, blah blah blah.

And the weird begins…

We enter his apartment, and there is no living room furniture. Then I remember that he said this is his first place without roommates. Okay, odd-but not a deal breaker. Not everybody’s first stop is Ikea when getting a new apartment.

So, we plant it on the floor, and we are chatting away. He gives me an *awesome* neck and shoulder massage, we are laughing and talking about stuff and nonsense. He pulls out his phone to play me some of the music he has been talking about (I didn’t recognize any of the groups he enjoys) and I commented that I really liked the music.

The next things that happened literally give me goosebumps, and I don’t mean the good kind.

He looks directly into my eyes, and starts to sing along with the music. AT me, not TO me. Remember guys-serenading a girl may be romantic, but timing is everything. This was not the time.

So I mentioned that there was no furniture, right? Well, I was sitting up, hands braced behind me, legs outstretched with my ankles crossed. In one smooth motion, he literally SPRANG from where he was to straddle my lap. What. The. Hell?  Before I had time to react to that bit of fun, his mouth was on mine for about 3 seconds, then he LICKED THE END OF MY NOSE, and then? He MEOWED. Yes. Meowed. As in-made the sound a cat makes.

I couldn’t help it-I said, “What the hell was THAT?” And his answer was something about he was enjoying himself so much he felt he had to vocalize it or some strange crap…I think I blocked it from my mind because I was so completely creeped out.

So, I muttered something about having to leave, as I wiggled out from under him and grabbed my purse and keys and shoes, and got the hell out of there.

Halfway home? Text message thanking me for a “delightful” time.

So I immediately texted Cat Lady… “Two words. He meowed.”

Seriously folks, you can’t make this shit up!!!  

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What? A GOOD Online Dating Profile!?

24 Mar

I write a lot about the stupid messages I get.. because well, they are entertaining.  Like I have said before also,  I have gotten real messages and have come across some online dating profiles that don’t make me want to rip my fingernails out.

I actually first visited the profile I am writing about in August.   His profile was AWESOME.   I sent out a message with just sheer kudos to it.  I went back and revisited the other day, and with permission, am sharing some of it with you.

This is what I consider to be a good, and entertaining, online dating profile.

He hooked me right from the start:

My Self Summary:

“I own a cooler that has a radio built into it. I don’t party really, and if I do it’s usually where there is a fridge. When I camp I don’t listen to the radio. So basically it’s the most wonderfully useless thing I could own. I think of parting with it but I think to myself. “Troy, what if you were to go to a party out in the woods? What if people wanted to dance? Troy you could be the dance maker, the bringer of funk, the savior of the party.”

So it sits in my living room, a force of potential energy unspent.

That’s about it really.”

What a huge sigh of relief from the traditional “I like sports and outdoor activities.”     I didn’t need to even read any farther from here,  I pretty much love this guy.     That whole thing could be completely made up garbage, but I have a feeling that deep down – this probably describes him perfectly.  (**Please note, I have never met this guy.    I once told him kudos for his profile, and now months later asked if I could use him as an example.)

But anyway-  no surprise here – his profile continues on.

What I am doing with my life:

“Right now I’m sitting back in the sun, wearing some awesome 80’s sun glasses, and drinking shitty canned beer. Metaphorically.

Doesn’t that sound lovely? It sure is.”

It does sound lovely.   It does leave me wonder what he does not metaphorically, but I am almost positive that’s the point.   It encourages discussion.

Other reasons why I love this guy:    He thinks napping is the best.   He changed the “Six Things I Could Never Do Without” question to “What six characteristics do you think will define you when you are super damn old?”    and he is self proclaimed “relatively happy and perhaps a little socially awkward.”

Don’t go copy his profile – but if you are doing the online dating thing, maybe rethink your answers a little bit.  A little bit of thought never hurt anyone.

 

**I would also like to clarify that I don’t actually love this guy.  That would be silly, I don’t know him.   I am just doing the girl thing that we all do,  to prove a point.

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Fetish?

23 Mar

“Hi, how are you? I like your profile and pics! Do you like to wear tights and nylons?”

….Do I like to wear tights and nylons?!    I mean, geez, for the record:  Every now and again but no, not really.    What would prompt you to ask a complete stranger something like that?

I get that it’s hard to believe there is an actual person on the other side of the screen.   I think a good rule to follow is:  If you wouldn’t say it to a complete strangers face (while sober, might I add..)  you probably shouldn’t say it in an online dating message.   Add in times 1000 if you actually want to meet someone online for other reason then their nylons.

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“I’m Not a Creep”

22 Mar

I think I have literally lost my mind..  but since I have no evidence to prove otherwise,  my brain is intact – and this actually happened in real life.

I received a text message last night from a number that wasn’t even close to local.

“Hey how are u?”

Because I have been very busy the last few days,  I didn’t feel the need to respond to this.   About twenty minutes later, I got another text.

“U there?”

Again, this text was ignored.

Early this afternoon,  I received yet another text.

“How are u?”

About an hour and a half later:

“Is this [CatLady]?”

Okay.. this person knows who I am..  I waited a few hours to respond, as again I have had a few things going on to lately.  I finally responded..

“Who is this?”

“Its stewart u wanna chat?”

“I don’t know who you are.  I’ve got a lot of stuff going on right now.”

“I am a nice guy and what kind of stuff?”

“U there?”

“I am otherwise distracted right now.  Everything is fine, but I can’t talk.”

“Oh sorry I will talk to u later”

Two short hours later:

“Is everything going okay [CatLady]?   Please let me know.”

…What on earth?

“Explain to me who you are..”

“I am stewart from [city] and u [CatLady]?”

At this point,  I am confused, overwhelmed in general from other stuff, and figured the best course of action was to call my “old pal” Stewart and find out what exactly I was missing.

He answered a normal “Hello?”  and I said “..And how do I know you?”   And as if it wasn’t weird already:

“I saw you on Facebook.”

“On Facebook?”

“Yeah.  I saw you and Facebook and want to get to know you.   I’m really not a creep.”

Guys-  if you feel the need to tell a girl that you aren’t a creep, or creepy..  I hate to break it to you- but you ARE.

My phone number that I use for business is public on my Facebook page.  Stewart, I guess, stumbled upon on my page, and decided to PUT MY NUMBER IN HIS PHONE!?

He asked me where I was from, reiterated that he is not a creepy guy.. and I told him that I had family stuff I needed to go take care of.   He told me he wants to get to know me.  I told him it would have to be another time.

Seriously.. WTF?

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Sounds like a recipe for disaster…

21 Mar

Before I give you the message-  I want to point out that this is only what crossed my mind – and it isn’t necessarily a “bad” message.   But it makes me go “Hmm..”

“hello my name is brian. I’m looking for someone that can go out and have a good time but is ok with a saturday night in. I’m not really a big partier. I’m really outgoing but would rather hang out with a few friends than go out bar hopping. I’m looking for someone to come home to after work, make dinner, and hang out on the couch. On the weekends, go out to target and the grocery store. Couple times a month go out to a concert or just out to dinner. I’m not looking for someone that wants to go out and drink ever friday night but can still go out and party every once and while. If that sounds like you message me back.”

First of all –  Brian is a very slender guy.   Very.   I feel that information is important.

So  – let’s dissect, shall we?

“I’m looking for someone that can go out and have a good time but is ok with a saturday night in”  —   Brian – that’s just on about EVERY girls’ online dating profile.

“I’m looking for someone to come home to after work, make dinner, and hang out on the couch. On the weekends, go out to target and the grocery store. Couple times a month go out to a concert or just out to dinner.”    —  Now,  while I appreciate that Brian is a very trim young man –  does he not realize that staying in, hanging out on the couch, eating dinner and going out to dinner on “date night” does NOT do wonders for a female’s metabolism?

I try very hard to be an active person.  I don’t necessarily enjoy it, but it’s important, as I like my clothes to fit.   The thought of sitting all day at my desk job, to go home, eat and do nothing on the couch scares me.   I know how that works out for me in the long run.   I get dumped for gaining weight.. when it would totally not be my fault.

Again –  it’s not that Brian sent a “bad” message, per say..   But, I think he should re-evaluate.   (Not to mention my hate for it because it’s a form letter.)

“They ain’t love handles if nobody loves ya!”  (Anyone else miss Will & Grace?)

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Trickery

20 Mar

“You still haven’t said when I get to take you out???”

That’s because you have not ONCE talked to me before, you strange strange man.

Seriously – why do some of you who parade the meat markets think we  are stupid?    Especially since most dating websites will combine messages from the same user-  so, it also INFORMS me that we haven’t spoken.

I wonder how often he gets a response to that message with “Oh.. oops!”

I’m sorry – but if someone believes I am going to be tricked into that –  I know that relationship would be doomed from the start.   I imagine he would be quite a manipulative catch..

Maybe I’m wrong.. but I don’t intend to find out.

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