Tag Archives: online dating messages

Jollies

19 Oct

“When was the last time yu was eatin out”

I was pretty sure I knew what he was asking.. but, due to his horrendous grammar, I was going to sway it in my favor.

“I was at a restaurant last night.”

“Nice! When was the last time you had oral sex”

“Why do you ask?  I feel that’s pretty personal, and none of your business.”

“Who cares? not like were gonna meet anyways”

“We aren’t?  Why are you messaging me then?”

“Becuz Im a perv and I get my jollies off by asking girls questions like this”

“I’m not here to help you with your jollies.”

“Well sorry”

 

..Is he really, though?

 

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Once a Month..

9 Oct

You know a person takes online dating SUPER seriously when their initial message to you says:

“Im pooping”

I was bored enough to see where this was going to go.

“Congratulations!  Thank you for the update.”

“U  know whatdestiny is?”

(Oh my God, if it has something to do with pooping…..)

“I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”

“its a ps4 game”

“Alright.”

“Anticlimactic”  (Uhh… yeah.. you’re tellin’ me.)

“Anythimg interestimg in the world?”

“I’m pretty sure you just told me the only two interesting things that have ever happened.”

“lol wut i mean like, whats up but more complicated.”

“I really can’t compete with pooping and PS4.”

“Lol well im actually playing ps4”

At that moment, I realized that being a woman, I could compete with pooping and PS4 (and even one-up him)..  and it just might scare this Prince Charming away.

“I’m menstruating, so that’s fun.”

“Thats amazing”   (Damn it!)

“I do it once a month!”  (Ba-dum-bum… I’ll be here all week.. tip your waitresses.)

“Ive always wondered what it looks like but women always say no”

“…It looks like blood.”    (However, now that I’m typing this.. it makes a LOT more sense that he wonders what a vagina looks like.  D’oh!)

“Amazing i admire ur vagina, its like a boxer”

..I probably should have asked for some clarification on that.   Like,  he thinks it punches people?  Or is comparing it to breed of dog that often has a bad reputation? But-  I got bored with him.

 

 

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Your Mom

15 Sep

A good rule of thumb when it comes to online dating is:  Never send a message that you wouldn’t be comfortable showing your mother.

“hey whats up? do you want to have bareback sex with me?”

Oh gee, can I!?  I should be used to stupid messages by now, but it still floors me that a good chunk of people on the internet find this behavior acceptable.  Don’t they have parents?

“What would your mother think of the message you sent me?”

“never thought about it”

“Go ask her.”

“thatd be awkward”

He never did report back.  I can only hope his mother talked some sense into him.

 

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My Spirit Animal

13 Sep

A few days ago, I received a comment from a reader suggesting that I share some good online dating stories here as well, so that my fellow females can not totally lose hope in online dating.  I knocked him down by saying I don’t and won’t do that, mainly because those interactions are boring.

Naturally, only two short days later, I had a good online dating interaction that I found blog-worthy.    (And – double shock –  It’s from TINDER!)

“What would you say your spirit animal is?”

“I would have to go with a penguin.”   

(I went with a penguin because I feel if I were to be an animal, I’d probably be a penguin.   After further research on the matter, according to my birth date and year, apparently my spirit animal is an aardvark – for any of you collecting Fun Cat Lady Facts.)

“Bluegill sunfish here.”

“Nice!  Wait..  I think that means my spirit animal would eat your spirit animal..”

“How could I convince you to spare my life?”

“You’re in luck, I’m not a big fan of seafood.”

“Haha!  What a relief!”

 

The only real downside to this interaction was that I think he was merely just visiting my area, as Tinder now shows him as quite far away.

See ladies, not all the guys online dating are weirdos.  (However, if you’ve been online dating, you probably already knew that.)

 

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Too Much Information

10 Sep

“well hi, name my is [Name}, you are absolutely beautiful . I am 30, going back to school for Networking Administration, adding to my 4 year degree public health degree, I graduated from [College] in [City}, in 2007 working at [Place] and [Place] at the moment, and i own my own townhouse in [City], i would love to chat with you and learn more about you 🙂
things i like, star trek, cuddling, pizza, computers.
what about you?
i hope to hear from you
[Name]”

When your FIRST form letter doesn’t get a response.. Wait a few days and send the new and improved,  EXTENDED version  (my favorite parts are underlined):

“Well hi, My name is [Name], you are absolutely beautiful . I am 30, going back to school for Networking Administration about half done, adding to my 4 year public health degree, I graduated from [College] in [City] in 2007 working at [Place] and [Totally Different Place Than Last Form Letter] at the moment, and i own my own townhouse in [City], i would love to chat with you and learn more about you 🙂
things i like, star trek, cuddling, pizza, computers, intelligent conversation
i am not looking for a one night thing, unlike it seems most guys out there, i never enjoyed that, nor have i ever done that. i am trying to overcome the large stigma of online dating “guys”… so i am being open and honest. I am interested in your heart and your mind. Those are the things that matter…
tell me more about yourself, i am a chatterbug and love a good stimulating conversation 🙂 try me 🙂
a little more about me 🙂
I was born an extreme premature, 24 week… i was 1.3 pounds. 1% survival chance, eye and lunch damage due to the high O2 environment of the forced respiration. Got my name in the NICU neonatal intensive care unit, the nurses called me [Name plus biblical story], thus i always had [animals] as a baby, stuffed animals and such. in and out of the hospital for about 3 years. started kindergarten at 6 instead of 5. i am an only child… grew up in [cities listed] area. my mom and dad got divorced when i was about 3. graduated from high school in 2003. then when to [College] in [city], from 2003-2007. dated emily for almost 2 years. graduated with a public health degree in dec 2007. lived at home after college, started dating holly from late 2008 to mid 2012…. bought my townhouse in [city] for $37,500 in late 2011. started dating sarah from late 2012 to march 2014… started back to school for networking administration in january 2014… now starting my second semester, very excited, loving school 🙂
so thats me in VERY small nutshell  (that’s what she said?)  🙂 i hope that wasnt too long lol and that it was somewhat interesting to read
i hope to hear from you
[Name]”

Underlined is what I consider far too much information.  Why would you give your dating history in a “first” message?!    And that is allegedly only a small nugget of information?   I’m already bored and we haven’t gone out!

..He did get a good deal on his town home though..

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Feminazi.

8 Sep

It just never ends, does it?

Today’s interaction is with a 22 year old male, who apparently doesn’t have a head.  Just a torso.  It appears as though he has probably been working out for about a month or so.. slightly defined, but nothing he should be bragging about.

“Into younger guys?”

“I’m not sure what you mean by that question.”

“I mean do you want a sexy athletic 22 year old to fuck your brains out or not?”

“Why would I want that from someone I don’t know?”

“because I’m insanely attractive  and it would feel so good.”

“I’ve not fucked many ‘insanely attractive’ guys that I DO know.  Your logic stands to no reason.”

“Before you insult my logic reread your sentence and try to type coherent.  Your logic is nonexistent”

I had a few moments of self doubt after reading that message..  But, I think my sentence made sense.

“Let me retype it for you, then:

I have (I’ve) not fucked many of the ‘insanely attractive’ (I am quoting your description of yourself here..) guys (males, men, boys) that I do know.  (As in guys that I know in real life.  I DO know them, versus you who I do not.)

So, if I won’t fuck them, and they are ‘insanely attractive’ (which can also be proven as I have seen their face..) Why do you think I would fuck *you* for that reason?

Does my sentence make better sense to you now?  🙂  (<– this indicates this was not said bitchily.  It is a smiley face.)”

“I do not think you would.  whoever said i thought you would fuck me? putting words into my head now?  I hate to be a misogynistic asshole guy but sometimes my physiology gets the best of me.  Yeah I think you’re attractive and I would totally love to fuck you to be straightforward.”

“How have I put words in your head?  You asked if I was into younger guys and when I questioned that, you clarified by saying ‘I mean do you want a sexy athletic 22 year old to fuck your brains out or not?’   … Were you asking for a friend or something?”

“I never once implied the slightest that I thought you would fuck me.”

“I can’t imagine your logic was ‘There is no way she’ll ever have sex with me.. I better ask her to be sure.’ “

“I’m not sober.  Idk what I was thinking and I don’t like arguing so i’m done”

“Okay.  Have a nice life.”

“Feminazi.  Fuck off.”

 

Umm…… ???

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White Boys Online Dating

1 Sep

Apparently some guys never grow up.

“Are you a virgin?”

Believe it or not,  this is a 28 year old male, and not a 14 year old boy.

“Wow.  That is absolutely none of your business.”

“But I’m curious.”

“Still none of your business.”

“Ok bye”

If any guy out there would care to explain to me why many of you seem to be fascinated with that question, please leave a comment.  Does an answer to that even matter?

Not a week went by before I got another charming message:

“Do you like giving head”

“Does anyone ever answer your ridiculous questions?”

“Yeah.  Casual sex isn’t going to happen if no one asked That’s why it’s called casual”

“You are so sadly mistaken.”

“Shut up bye virgin”

 

Wait… when did “virgin” become an insult?  Or is it only an insult one uses if they are one?

And.. just because I can–   His profile is pretty bare..  it says he has a shaved head, and that he has been online dating way too long.  Oddly enough, the majority of words is found under the “Message Me If” section which reads:  “Message me if you think we have anything in common and if you are serious about meeting someone.”  

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Online Dating A.D.D.

26 Aug

The following messages come from a gentleman who, according to his profile, is an intellectual:

“Love your profile”

“Thanks.”

“Want to get coffee some timr”

“Based merely on that you love my profile?”

“Ya.  I think he is thinking because you look kind of sassy”

“Oh.  Is that what he thinks?”

“Ya. I think you need one;)”

“Need one what?”

“A spanking”

“Wow. That’s rude.”

“I’m sorry. Giovanno”

 

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Ask Me Anything

18 Aug

I had the following interaction with a 25 year old from California.  If you have been paying attention, you are aware that California is pretty far away from me.

“Hi there how are you this evening

My name is [Name]

Would you like to talk and get to know each other

Ask me anything you would like to know about me

You look absolutely gorgeous BTW :)”

 

“Okay.  Question 1.  How many chicken nuggets can you fit in your mouth at one time?”


“Five. You?”   

(Wow.. that’s not impressive at all…)

 

“I have never attempted this.

Question 2.  What are your thoughts on the death of Elvis Presley? (Minimum 50 words)”

 

He neglected to respond to that one.. So much for ask me anything.

So – what have we learned?    That it’s totally acceptable to ask one how many chicken nuggets they can fit in their mouth.. but it’s still too soon to bring up the loss of the King of Rock and Roll.

 

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Dirty Old Man

5 Aug

I’ve grown to expect gross messages from young hornballs, but it still boggles my mind when someone who could easily be my father based on age sends something disgusting..   Aren’t we supposed to mature with age?

Please guys, strive not to be the dirty old pervert.

 

“Do you ever just want to get laid good for a day or two?”

“Aren’t you old enough to now better than to ask such a thing to a lady?”

For those of you that didn’t catch that – my response should have indicated that I wasn’t amused and the conversation shouldn’t continue.

“You look like a girl that would like a good wild fuck.”

I understand that not many of you know who I am, or what I look like – but I assure you, I don’t come across that way at all – online or in the real life.

“Well, Pops.. Looks can be deceiving.”

“You’re awfully picky for a fat girl”

Haha!  Bash in a male’s ego and regardless of age, he’ll try to offend you by calling you fat.

“But only one of us really has a shot at getting laid by a stranger from the internet.. And spoiler alert:  It’s not you.”

“It ain’t you either weirdo”

“Lucky for me, that’s not what I’m looking for.   Anything else you care to try to offend me with?”

“Look at you wash your face little [conservative/liberal] piglet”
(In reference to [conservative/liberal] — Pick your favorite – I’m not getting into it on here..  This blog is politically neutral.)

“Well, that’s probably the most offensive so far, as not one fat ounce of me is [conservative/liberal].   Have a good rest of your life, Sir.”

 

Gentlemen – if nothing else, learn how to respect the “fairer” sex.  You’ll have much better luck all around.

 

 

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