Tag Archives: smart ass

Five Things He Prefers

23 Mar

It’s usually bad news when an opening message comes in shortly after midnight.  I happened to be awake yet, so I opened the OKCupid app and read this message.

“What’s up”

Sigh…  I decided this didn’t warrant a response so late at night/early in the morning.  He must pay extra to see when someone reads his message, because about 2 minutes later, another message rolled in.

“I’m very attracted and interested in you”

“I’m half asleep so we will have to chat tomorrow.”

“Ok…me too”

He did wait till “tomorrow”- but his next message came in shortly after midnight again.

“You look fun”

I need to inform you that this guy has ONE WORD on his profile.  “Passionate.”  Which, of course, could mean nearly anything.  I was willing to talk to him, but really wanted some more information before deciding if I was interested in him.   I waited 12 hours and responded midday.

“I think I’m fun.  It might be best to tell me more about you, though.”

“I’m not exactly sure what I’m looking for, but there are 5 things I prefer…”

I assumed another message was forthcoming.. so I waited.  (Actually, I assumed he wanted me to press for more information.  I didn’t because that wasn’t my request.)   It came through at 9:15pm.


“You didn’t finish your sentence.”

“1. A confident woman

2. Active lifestyle (not skinny…not obese)

3. Pubic hair visible (not completely shaved)

4. Great conversation (intelligent)

5. High sex drive

Keep in mind they are JUST preferences…are you any of them or all 5?”

Hahaha! I got so much more than I bargained for in asking for more information about him!  I love that he prefers intelligent conversation – much like the one we were CLEARLY having.


“Just preferences….not a checklist or anything. And there are valid reasons for each one”

“Are you any or all?”

It does fascinate me how people are comfortable saying things online that they would NEVER say to my face in public.  I didn’t ask him what he’s looking for, and only two of his preferences are worthy of discussion with a complete stranger.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business.”

“Really? Why not? Are you insecure? It’s just pubic hair….nbd”

“I trim everything very short”

“Because you are a complete stranger and it’s none of your business.  I’m not insecure at all; I just don’t feel like this is necessary conversation.”

“Yikes.  Guess you’re no fun.  Up tight”

“Glad I know now.. you looked happy and fun”

“Such a downer and grouch”


“I’m actually laughing and sharing this with my girlfriends.  And you’ll star in my book!  Keep talking!”

was texting screenshots to some friends, who badly wanted me to mess with him and send him a list of my own.  (My list of 5 preferences is pretty good, perhaps I shall blog about it sometime soon.)

“You’re maybe too fat for me anyway…”

“Have a good night”

“Peace out, Home Slice!”

“Average build?”

“Stop lying. Ain’t nothing average about your size.  You’re overweight”

“Cool.  Whatever.”

He did send one final message, that I sadly was unable to read as he then immediately blocked me.   But I bet it said something like “Wow, I just realized how terrible of a human being I am, and I shouldn’t be online dating.  I’m going to cancel my account, best of luck to you!”

I do wonder why some men are quick to rush to the “you’re fat anyway” angle.  When there was a chance I was going to play along and tell him about my pubic hair and sex drive, I wasn’t fat then.  And his messages came through so fast, it’s not like he was studying my profile and then made this soul-searching decision.  It was an attempt to make me feel bad, which he was unsuccessful at.

I can only hope that someday I see him in the wild, when he’s out with a bunch of friends.  I would love nothing more than to verify his first name, and then say, “Right!  You’re the guy I talked to on OKCupid who asked me about my pubic hair, and when I wouldn’t answer, you called me fat!”  I mean – he did say he prefers confidence, right?!  😉

Green Card Husband?

5 Apr

The online dating weirdos just follow me wherever I go.  I can’t escape them!  The latest comes from a Facebook message from Jamshed,  who’s location keeps changing.  At the time I am writing this, he’s from Mumbai.  I also believe that he doesn’t understand the concept of time difference because I received a message from him at 11pm in the evening:


It also had my name on it, so I guess bonus points for a little bit of effort?  I don’t believe for one moment that this photo is actually of Jamshed, but notice the gentleman in the photo, if you will.  He’s wearing a wedding ring.

“What would your wife think, Jamshed?”

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Being Offensive on Tinder

8 Nov

I’m going to put on my psychologist hat for half a second, and presume that the boy that sent these messages really was looking forward to me flipping out on him.   I must have ruined his entire evening when I did not.

“Your first photo makes me one to crank one out into your mouth and all over your face.  Then have you make me a sandwich and I’ll eat it and go home.”

I really can’t imagine someone sends something like that and expects it to happen.  I decided to play along.

“That sounds like an excellent plan.  When works for you?”

“Actually just looked at your other pics and changed my mind!  I can send a couple black guys over to do it for me”

I don’t know if there was some hidden meaning in there I should have caught that should have been offensive towards me?  I was still going to play along and not go according to his plan of me freaking out.

“Even better!”

“Like anal?  You strike me as a girl who takes it in the servants entrance”

“Oh yeah, all the time.”

“Let them blow loads up your ass?”

“Why not?  ..But only on Wednesdays!”

..And then he gave up and blocked me.  Screen shots for the win!

What an asshole, though.  Some people don’t deserve clean air.


22 Feb

I am probably going to get some hate for this one.. but hear me out:   I have been on OKCupid for almost 3 years now.  A few days ago, out of sheer curiosity (and social experimentation for the blog, of course)  I added “Casual Sex” to my “Looking For’ list.   Creeps (and non creeps) are coming out of the woodwork.  My internet leg has been constantly humped over the last 36 hours.  And, definitely more to come on this!

“Hi! I am [Name], i am a fun outgoing smart ass ha. I loved your profile. Not only are you pretty,but you seem genuine, and that’s hard to find on a dating site. I am sure you get a ton of messages a day. So if you could just message me when you have some free time that would be cool.
I hope the site hadn’t discouraged you too much. Anyways I would love to get to know you. How was your day?”

Now..  if you’ve read me before – I make it a point not to respond to messages that could have been copied and pasted.  I also mention this in my profile.   So, that, along with this guy says he is a smart ass.. I felt like I could be a smart ass back..  If he was worth knowing, he’d probably laugh about it:

“Thank you for your form letter. Please know that the time you took to copy and paste is very much appreciated. Hope you are having a great day!”

“Copy and paste? Are you serious? Wow have some issues with the site to accuse me? That was me. But I take it back. You obviously aren’t genuine”

I obviously pushed a button, because not even 30 seconds after receiving his defensive response:

“Wow why did I even message you. Look at me. Then look at u. Lol. Yeah that’s not a good match”

“And now I know how you handle some push back.
I think you should reconsider considering yourself a smart ass.. I clearly have you beat in that arena. Best of luck to you.”

“You clearly have me beat in the waist line too”

“Is that supposed to hurt my feelings or something?”

“Hey if you are proud. Just go with it”

“I am just curious at what you are trying to accomplish by telling me I’m fat?”

“Ha conversation over. I won. Bye”

“I guess that’s a matter of opinion. Have a nice day.”

“You got all hot and bothered ha”

“Not at all..  If that’s how you “win” conversations… There was no contest from the start.”

I honestly don’t know how one would “win” a conversation.

“Damn you are still talking? U got served”

“Oh.. Good.  My expanding waistline could use a serving.”

..And he didn’t respond after that one.. So.. I guess I won?

If you can’t take online dating with a grain of salt, and have to resort to name-calling and/or “bullying”..  You should reconsider online dating as a source of meeting people.