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Word Vomit?

6 Dec

I talked about this exchange a little bit on my weekly dating podcast, “Nothing In Common.”   If you aren’t subscribed to that, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE!?

Anyway – sometimes guys will send messages without the intent of pursuit?  I don’t get it!

“Love the username”

He was correct in sending that, my OkCupid username is pretty epic.  (It indicates that I am going to die alone with cats.)

“Thanks.  I do too.”

“Mine should be toointensePeopleThinkHesFaking”

“I don’t get it.”

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Excessive Messaging

7 Oct

I have all my online dating apps on my phone these days.  I know I could probably adjust my settings, but as it stands right now, my phone beeps every time I get a new message on any of these sites.  I need to know if my future husband has finally found me!

One of my biggest pet peeves in online dating is excessive messaging.  Give me a chance to read your message, process it, and possibly respond!

“If I could be king I’d take you as my queen”

“Okay, Eric Clapton.”

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Punctuation Implied

26 Dec

While I am sorry in advance for what you’re about to read, please know that I wouldn’t put you through this if I didn’t think it was worth it.

“Hey I am Chris you have a great smile I love your hair very pretty eyes cute face I am 29 as of dec 4th I have 2 cats im athletic 6ft 1 I love the outdoors I have my own apartment honesty trust and loyalty are important to me when it comes to friendship or relationship sorry im a little shy because of what happened the last time i was on this site but anyways I hope your having a wonderful day and weekend if I knew where you were I would send you flowers on a silver platter with a special note (Would the special note have punctuation?  If so, I might take you up on that.)  but for now id love to be your friend and get to know you and provide you with a great guy in your life for a change (Uhh, excuse me.. All of the guys in my life are great.  How dare you?!)  even if we never become more than just friends I will be the best friend I can be and someone you can turn to for help or if your feeling down well I hope you get this ad I hope to hear from you soon :)”

“Goodness.  What happened last time?”

Yes, that is what I got from that hot mess of a message.

“you stopped replying for some reason im excited to get to know you better so whats your number so we can text and I will end you some pics as well ??”

Oh my God, he knows what a question mark is!!

“I’m confused, we’ve never messaged before.”

“thought you did why did you ask what happened before then?”

“You said you were shy because of what happened last time you were on this site.  Haven’t you read your form letter in awhile?”

“oh yes I dated this girl on here for 3 months until she was comfortable enough to tell me where she lived once I found out I decided to show up to her house one day without her knowing to surprise her so I go to her house and knock on the door and a guy answered so i said hey can you get your sister for me tell her her boyfriend is here apparently he was dating her and she didn’t tell me she also didn’t tell him about me so he said yeah holdon i heard arguing and after a bit he opened the door and stabbed me and told me to stay away from his gf so ever sence then ive bee skeptical about this site and the girls that use it”

For those that read better with punctuation:   He chatted with a girl online for 3 months, and then showed up to her place unannounced. He thought her boyfriend, who answered the door, was her brother, and then was allegedly stabbed.  He is now skeptical of online dating.

“Wow.  That’s… something.  Sorry to hear that.”

I mean, what do you even say to that?   I’m sure that he didn’t want to hear that I thought he was the psycho for showing up to her place.

“oh its ok your not a killer are you lol jk”

“You never can tell these days.”

“true now that we are this far what are you looking for we can be friends but meeting you would be important to me?”

“I would not be comfortable with that.”

“ok so whats your number so i can text you?”

“I’m not giving you my number.”

“you mean not yet?”

I can say with confidence that I mean not ever.  I’d rather take a boatload of cats.

No Bitterness Detected

29 Aug

Kudos to @DatingMary who came across this profile, that shows absolutely no hint of bitterness or frustration whatsoever:

About Me:

I am looking for a woman who will:

– Turn down the radio when I am driving in traffic to tell me about your friend who always seems to date the same types of jerks because she’s an idiot

– Change the playoff game so that you can watch a rerun of Gossip Girl

– Ask a lot of questions during movies

– Ensure everyone understands how bad animal products are

– Leave her face on my pillow case when she goes home so it’s like she’s still there

 

Inquire within.  Thank you.  Management

 

If you are applying, please include the following obligatory pictures of you:

– Kissing a dolphin

– In the color race

– Skydiving

– With a statue or wax figure

– By the pool or on the beach taking a picture of your “legs and feet”

– In your car from an angle so it shows the backseat…. preferably with a child in the back

– Taking a selfie with your cleavage being front and center while your profile clearly states you will not respond to booty calls or “hey sexy”

Extra credit for pictures of your dogs and cats by themselves, bonus points if they are dressed up

Geez… trouble in paradise much?

Aside from not being in the same part of the world, I wouldn’t be a good match with him, because I only have one of his required photos (which I am now considering removing..)

I certainly hope he finds what he is looking for.  Be careful what you wish for, ya’ll!

 

That’s… Uncomfortable.

21 Jun

So, after blogging about the cheesy one-liners I received on Zoosk,  I did add a photo.  I broke some Zoosk rules and uploaded a picture of cats, even though I was supposed to only post a photo of myself.

However.. the result was interesting –  0 Messages..  that is, until 12 hours later when someone reported my photo, it was removed, and I went back to receiving messages every 5 minutes.

One of these messages was from a 69 year old man…

“I’m not a photographer, but I can picture us together.”

Great..  However, the message is not the part that concerns me.   Gramps has photos.  He is DEFINITELY 69 years old, complete with breathing tubes.  I’m not saying he’s too old for love – but, he really ought to find someone closer to his own age.

I am not 100% confident in why I am uncomfortable with this..  but I believe it’s either because this guy is who he says and shows he is – and it makes me uncomfortable that he is spending his remaining days sending cheesy letters to faceless girls on the internet.    Or, because someone is pretending to be an old man in rough shape, and that’s just gross.

Either way, I have a feeling that no one ever grows up.. and that makes me sad.