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Fresh Meat

28 Nov

I had not planned on blogging today, as it is Thanksgiving (for the USA-ers..) but since I hopped on to OKCupid and saw this in the activity feed — and it IS Thanksgiving —  I figured it was worth a share.

This guy’s profile makes it very clear that he is a chef of some sort, as that is basically all he talks about.  But I got a kick out of this line:

“I love fresh ingredients.  If someone brings them to me, I will respect them and cook them for you.”

Which, of course, instantly made me think: “What if you have a disobedient avocado?”

After a lot more cooking talk, he ends his profile with “You should not message me if you’re a vegan.  I ❤ pork.”   I don’t recall vegans having anything against people who less-than-three pork..  I totally understand that he probably wouldn’t end up with someone who doesn’t eat meat.. but, throwing in “I love fresh meat!” would probably do the trick. 😉   (Haha.. even though I’d advise against that too!)

Hope you all have a safe and lovely Thanksgiving.

Looks Can Be Deceiving

17 Nov

I am not sure what to make of this first online dating message.. especially because it comes from someone who lives over 900 miles away.

“I think you are very beautiful and you have very attractive hands! You look like you give very strong neck massages. I bet you have a pretty firm handshakes ::love:: I would love to get a neck massage from you!”

Sure… let me just hop on a plane and get right on that.

God’s Gift to Driving

9 Nov

I know online dating can be frustrating.  I have a lot of gentlemen telling me that they are tired of it because they don’t get messages, or responses.  I hear ya.  Mr. ADude and I discussed on our podcast last week that one should really have zero expectations when it comes to online dating –  and that you get out of it what you put into it.  (That’s what she said..)

We’ve talked before about reasons girls don’t respond to your messages.  I am still a firm believer that no one online owes you anything, and really – online dating is just one way of holding up a big neon “I’m Single!” sign.   (I would kill for one of those in real life.)

But.. sometimes you aren’t getting messages or responses because your profile says something like this:

“I’m Really Good At:

..I am also very good at honking, yes it likely if you see a green grand Cherokee and there is a strange honk sound coming form it, then it is me.  I have a 2-2.5 hr commute daily.  if you text and drive next to me, I will honk at you.  If you are drifting, swerving around, or clearly have no idea how to drive.  I will honk at you.  if you don’t go at a green light, honk.  slow turner – meaning you come to a complete or near complete stop to take a right or left hand turn when there is no oncoming traffic – I will honk.  Driving is an awareness mandatory activity and I can not begin to tell you how often I am cut off, near hit or put in a rather precarious situation. No I don’t have road rage, I honk as a form of positive or negative reinforcement.  Making drivers better since 2012.”

Oh.

My.

God.

I’m sorry Grand Cherokee owner, but that annoys the shit out of me.   Are you fucking serious?

1)  Your grammar is atrocious.

2) Remind me to NEVER get into a car with you.  If that many people are near killing you on a daily basis… maybe it’s YOU.  (Also, if you have time to honk, you have time to stop.  Get over yourself.)

3)  You also honk for POSITIVE reinforcement?!  This *might* be okay if you have a custom car horn that beeps out “Nice work!” or a happy little song.. but I’m quite certain your Cherokee doesn’t have that.

4) Maybe.. just maybe.. you should move closer to where you work.  Or take public transportation.

5)  Yes, you DO have road rage.

6) “Making Drivers Better Since 2012” –  …did you just start driving?   Additionally,  I guarantee you that 95% of the people you honk at have no idea whatsoever why you are honking at them.   The other 5% don’t give a shit.  You aren’t making anyone better, you are only making yourself worse.

Welcome to my Friday night, folks.   Sigh.. I need a boyfriend.

One Way to Fix a Bad Tattoo..

4 Nov

I am not a tattoo kind of girl.  While I like the concept,  I don’t think there is anything that I could tattoo on myself that I’d be happy with even a couple years down the road.

I came across an online dating profile that made me giggle:

“I’m looking for a girl named “Julie”.. it’s just easier that way. I got this “Julie” tattoo last year, and would prefer to not deal with it. or if you want to change your name that’s cool.”

Well – that’s one way to “undo” a mistake, I guess.

Barbecue Sauce

21 Oct

I know I constantly joke about my imaginary cats, and becoming a real-life cat lady someday.  Those of you that have followed my antics for awhile most likely understand that I don’t actually believe that.  Well – maybe until today.   I am pretty sure today is a new-time low.

It started a few days ago when I was drunkenly sending out “You’re cute!” messages on OKCupid.   This is something I do not advise doing, because you don’t get responses to messages like that.   I happened to get one response because the next morning I had sent out follow-up messages with depth to them.  (Mostly in hopes to just throw out there “Sorry!”  and “I’m not really crazy.”)

So – considerably cute guy number 8 had responded to my message, and we had several messages back and forth.  He seemed to be someone that I might meet up with.   I haven’t met anyone off the interwebs in a while, so I was getting a little excited about it.. which brings me to this morning.

He had sent a message asking about the weekend, and what not, and mentioned he was cooking some chicken.  I told him I was jealous and he said he’d be happy to mail me some barbecue chicken — and “What could go wrong?”  My response was that what could go wrong is that I am not really a fan of barbecue sauce.  (Of course, in reality, there are other technicalities as well.)

My dislike* for barbecue sauce was a deal-breaker.   I thought he was joking when his next message said that he didn’t think it was going to work out between us.. but, after a little digging –  sure enough.

Yep – I am going to die alone with cats.

 

*I don’t actually dislike barbecue sauce, and this was explained.  I have a certain brand I like, and if I’m going to eat it – I prefer it on meatballs.    I feel BBQ sauce ruins chicken and pork.  (So – you can all stop reading my blog now since I am a menace to society.)

 

VIP: Very Important Poll

10 Oct

Tonight,  @A_Dude79 gave some tips on “How to Win Guys Over” (in response to my “How to Win Girls Over”) on our podcast.   He had some excellent reminders for us girls, and I’d strongly suggest you take a listen. (The Podcast)

However,  one of his suggestions seemed a little off to me.   Keeping in mind that these tips are for people who have been on a few dates, he said “Be yourself.”   I countered that most people are on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship.   He believes that people are only on their best behavior for the first few dates.  I believe that people are on their best behavior for much longer, maybe even so much as 6 months to a year.

We need you to help settle the score-  and A_Dude79 will share the results with he podsturbates next week Wednesday at 10:00pm Eastern Standard Time.

More Fun with Tinder

6 Oct

Although at this point, I certainly wouldn’t give it my endorsement for “Awesome way to get dates” – Tinder is a lot of fun, and I’ve come to expect pretty shady messages on there.

When I was visiting with some Twitter friends in the city that never sleeps, I decided to like everyone on Tinder.   Weeks later, I am still getting random “mutual matches” from the East Coast.

My favorite this week:

“A threesome you say??  I mean, you do seem nice enough, but awfully forward..”

I think you know me well enough by now that I really don’t think highly of people looking specifically for booty on dating websites or apps..  But, I also know that this guy has probably sent out this same message a hundred times before, and probably gets ignored or bitched at a lot.  And, certainly he isn’t likely to change his ways after getting a screen-ful from me.

“I apologize for being so forward.. Matt and Joe would really appreciate a third, though..”

“Haha. Best response ever!”

I’ve decided that whenever possible, I am going to just try to out-do the weirdos.   Tehehehe.  And, that was all I have heard from my Tinder friend..   I suppose the distance probably has the most to do with it, but I am going to make it my executive decision that I was just too funny for him.

You’re Doing It Wrong!!

3 Oct

Some of you may remember that earlier this year I had frequently made mention to the “Intern” I had.  She wasn’t actually an intern, but for lack of anything better to call her, that’s the name that stuck.

She, of course, has since moved on to bigger and better things than doing my grunt work – but was excited to talk to me about a boy she met online dating.  Much to my surprise, a day or so later – she told me that she was really nervous about meeting him and was going to cancel.

I told her that cancelling was not allowed, and “Just go have a drink.”   She then explained that he had set their first meetup to be at CHIPOTLE.   Really, dude?  Chipotle!?

I am absolutely not a fan of the first meetup including dinner of any sort, and believe you should stick to a drink – and appetizers IF it’s going well..  but – Gentlemen of the Interwebs:   Any sort of fast food chain is NOT acceptable for a first online dating meetup.   While I would consider Chipotle to be classier than White Castle,  I think “The Intern” said it best when she said “Nobody looks attractive eating a burrito.”

I would have cancelled, too.   Good call, Intern.

 

Hahaha… Oh Tinder.

18 Sep

The past few weeks I have been having some fun with a smartphone app called Tinder.  If you aren’t aware of what it is –  basically, it’s “Hot or Not” and if you “heart” someone, and they also “heart” you, you will be able to communicate with one another (text message style) through the app.

What I like about it is it’s also hooked up to your Facebook, so it will tell you if you have any mutual friends, or mutual interests.  (Pro-tip:  I always check out people who I have mutual friends with..   I will also get mad at said mutual friend for not offering to set me up.)

After signing up, and going through the endless amount of males that have this app-  I heard a rumor that this is more of a hook-up app.   I hadn’t really found that to be the case..   Until tonight:

“I want to bone you”

“Oh.. Umm, wow.  Thanks, I guess?”

“Oh you are so welcome.  Kinda creepy since my mom’s name is also [CatLady] but I could get over that”

“Okay, so.. what?  Like, right now?”

“Hmm.. where do you live?”

“You definitely are not coming here… and you can take that whichever way you would like to.”   (Ba-dum-bum!  ..I crack myself up..)

“Sorry mom”

“You certainly know the way into a girl’s pants.  Mom must be so proud.”

“You have a great rack”

“Yes, I’m aware.”

“May I see?”

“No.”

“No with a period?  You mean business”

He then told me to have an enjoyable evening, and I wished him luck in his search for a piece of meat.   He said he’d let me know of any updates.  I shudder at the thought of this walking-STD.

 

My Review of EHarmony

28 Aug

A few months back, I got an e-mail offer from EHarmony that was impossible to refuse.   Their service is normally anywhere from $12.95 to $60.00 per month (roughly) depending on how long you sign up for.   ($13 per month if you sign up for a year, $60 for one month)   They ran a special a few months ago that I was able to sign up for $6.95 per month, for 3 months.  I decided I couldn’t afford not to try EHarmony… but now that my 3 month stint is over, all I can do is hope that EHarm thinks all publicity is good publicity.

First and foremost, (and EH isn’t the only online dating company to do this..) anything over $15 per month is too expensive to be paying a computer to match you.   While I find their 12 month subscription price to be reasonable,  the fact that they want you to sign up for an entire year makes me feel like maybe they aren’t confident they are going to find you the love of your life.

On that note – given that some people actually PAY them $60..  profiles like this should not be something ever found on their website:

eharmSeriously..  if I ran that website, anyone who put specific key words in their profile would be immediately flagged for staff review.   (EH did remove the user upon seeing my picture tweet, and asking me to send them an e-mail with more info.)

I, personally, did not have any luck whatsoever on EHarmony.  I sent out their questions to users I was interested in, and responded back to some.. but nothing ever went further than the guided communication.   I don’t blame EH for that – but after a month, I was informed that my distance preference (a radius of 30 miles.. according to the most recent census, there are 3.28 million people within 30 miles of yours truly.)  was too specific and they encouraged me to change this to a 100 mile radius.    Now..  I know people will take drastic measures for love..  but, really.. even 30 miles away for a stranger from the internet is pushin’ it.

So, I started getting matched with people far out of city limits, which was really a waste of time.  But then, after another couple days,  I was alerted that my age range of 27 to 34 was too specific, and I should broaden those requirements as well.  Are you joking?

I have decided that I got a sweet deal because no one uses EHarmony anymore.  I still think that OKCupid is your best deal out there –  it’s free, and you might get some kooky people in there (see rest of blog), but it’s easy to use, and it’s fun.

So, long story short.. In my opinion:  Eharmony sucks.

**

Totally unrelated to EHarmony:   Tomorrow night (Wednesday, August 28, 2013) at 10:00pm Central Standard Time,  A_Dude79 and I will be podcasting live.   We have Catfish/Nigerian Scammers,  “The First Move”  and the burning question of “Is Facebook ‘Friendship’ the new Phone Number when it comes to dating?”  on the agenda.   If you haven’t tuned in before,  tomorrow would be a great night to do so.  We take calls and feedback from Twitter as well.   Put it on your calendar and don’t miss it!   Link HERE.

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