Tag Archives: creepy

Being Offensive on Tinder

8 Nov

I’m going to put on my psychologist hat for half a second, and presume that the boy that sent these messages really was looking forward to me flipping out on him.   I must have ruined his entire evening when I did not.

“Your first photo makes me one to crank one out into your mouth and all over your face.  Then have you make me a sandwich and I’ll eat it and go home.”

I really can’t imagine someone sends something like that and expects it to happen.  I decided to play along.

“That sounds like an excellent plan.  When works for you?”

“Actually just looked at your other pics and changed my mind!  I can send a couple black guys over to do it for me”

I don’t know if there was some hidden meaning in there I should have caught that should have been offensive towards me?  I was still going to play along and not go according to his plan of me freaking out.

“Even better!”

“Like anal?  You strike me as a girl who takes it in the servants entrance”

“Oh yeah, all the time.”

“Let them blow loads up your ass?”

“Why not?  ..But only on Wednesdays!”

..And then he gave up and blocked me.  Screen shots for the win!

What an asshole, though.  Some people don’t deserve clean air.

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Persistence

5 Nov

This morning while getting ready for work, my phone beeped that I had a new Tinder match, and not ten seconds later, that I had a new Tinder message.


“Let’s make out!”

Goodness.. it was 7AM.

“How does that work?  Do we lick our phone screens or something?”

“No we hang out and actuslly make out lol”

“Well, that won’t be possible, because I have work.”

“Ha ok after work lol”

“No can do, I have plans.”   (Yeah.. plans to blog about you..)

“I see. Quickie before work?”

“That’s also going to be a no.”

“Too bad.”

What did you do today, Dude?  “I tried to convince girls to make out with me all day on Tinder.”  GET A JOB!

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Jollies

19 Oct

“When was the last time yu was eatin out”

I was pretty sure I knew what he was asking.. but, due to his horrendous grammar, I was going to sway it in my favor.

“I was at a restaurant last night.”

“Nice! When was the last time you had oral sex”

“Why do you ask?  I feel that’s pretty personal, and none of your business.”

“Who cares? not like were gonna meet anyways”

“We aren’t?  Why are you messaging me then?”

“Becuz Im a perv and I get my jollies off by asking girls questions like this”

“I’m not here to help you with your jollies.”

“Well sorry”

 

..Is he really, though?

 

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Once a Month..

9 Oct

You know a person takes online dating SUPER seriously when their initial message to you says:

“Im pooping”

I was bored enough to see where this was going to go.

“Congratulations!  Thank you for the update.”

“U  know whatdestiny is?”

(Oh my God, if it has something to do with pooping…..)

“I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”

“its a ps4 game”

“Alright.”

“Anticlimactic”  (Uhh… yeah.. you’re tellin’ me.)

“Anythimg interestimg in the world?”

“I’m pretty sure you just told me the only two interesting things that have ever happened.”

“lol wut i mean like, whats up but more complicated.”

“I really can’t compete with pooping and PS4.”

“Lol well im actually playing ps4”

At that moment, I realized that being a woman, I could compete with pooping and PS4 (and even one-up him)..  and it just might scare this Prince Charming away.

“I’m menstruating, so that’s fun.”

“Thats amazing”   (Damn it!)

“I do it once a month!”  (Ba-dum-bum… I’ll be here all week.. tip your waitresses.)

“Ive always wondered what it looks like but women always say no”

“…It looks like blood.”    (However, now that I’m typing this.. it makes a LOT more sense that he wonders what a vagina looks like.  D’oh!)

“Amazing i admire ur vagina, its like a boxer”

..I probably should have asked for some clarification on that.   Like,  he thinks it punches people?  Or is comparing it to breed of dog that often has a bad reputation? But-  I got bored with him.

 

 

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Your Mom

15 Sep

A good rule of thumb when it comes to online dating is:  Never send a message that you wouldn’t be comfortable showing your mother.

“hey whats up? do you want to have bareback sex with me?”

Oh gee, can I!?  I should be used to stupid messages by now, but it still floors me that a good chunk of people on the internet find this behavior acceptable.  Don’t they have parents?

“What would your mother think of the message you sent me?”

“never thought about it”

“Go ask her.”

“thatd be awkward”

He never did report back.  I can only hope his mother talked some sense into him.

 

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Feminazi.

8 Sep

It just never ends, does it?

Today’s interaction is with a 22 year old male, who apparently doesn’t have a head.  Just a torso.  It appears as though he has probably been working out for about a month or so.. slightly defined, but nothing he should be bragging about.

“Into younger guys?”

“I’m not sure what you mean by that question.”

“I mean do you want a sexy athletic 22 year old to fuck your brains out or not?”

“Why would I want that from someone I don’t know?”

“because I’m insanely attractive  and it would feel so good.”

“I’ve not fucked many ‘insanely attractive’ guys that I DO know.  Your logic stands to no reason.”

“Before you insult my logic reread your sentence and try to type coherent.  Your logic is nonexistent”

I had a few moments of self doubt after reading that message..  But, I think my sentence made sense.

“Let me retype it for you, then:

I have (I’ve) not fucked many of the ‘insanely attractive’ (I am quoting your description of yourself here..) guys (males, men, boys) that I do know.  (As in guys that I know in real life.  I DO know them, versus you who I do not.)

So, if I won’t fuck them, and they are ‘insanely attractive’ (which can also be proven as I have seen their face..) Why do you think I would fuck *you* for that reason?

Does my sentence make better sense to you now?  🙂  (<– this indicates this was not said bitchily.  It is a smiley face.)”

“I do not think you would.  whoever said i thought you would fuck me? putting words into my head now?  I hate to be a misogynistic asshole guy but sometimes my physiology gets the best of me.  Yeah I think you’re attractive and I would totally love to fuck you to be straightforward.”

“How have I put words in your head?  You asked if I was into younger guys and when I questioned that, you clarified by saying ‘I mean do you want a sexy athletic 22 year old to fuck your brains out or not?’   … Were you asking for a friend or something?”

“I never once implied the slightest that I thought you would fuck me.”

“I can’t imagine your logic was ‘There is no way she’ll ever have sex with me.. I better ask her to be sure.’ “

“I’m not sober.  Idk what I was thinking and I don’t like arguing so i’m done”

“Okay.  Have a nice life.”

“Feminazi.  Fuck off.”

 

Umm…… ???

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White Boys Online Dating

1 Sep

Apparently some guys never grow up.

“Are you a virgin?”

Believe it or not,  this is a 28 year old male, and not a 14 year old boy.

“Wow.  That is absolutely none of your business.”

“But I’m curious.”

“Still none of your business.”

“Ok bye”

If any guy out there would care to explain to me why many of you seem to be fascinated with that question, please leave a comment.  Does an answer to that even matter?

Not a week went by before I got another charming message:

“Do you like giving head”

“Does anyone ever answer your ridiculous questions?”

“Yeah.  Casual sex isn’t going to happen if no one asked That’s why it’s called casual”

“You are so sadly mistaken.”

“Shut up bye virgin”

 

Wait… when did “virgin” become an insult?  Or is it only an insult one uses if they are one?

And.. just because I can–   His profile is pretty bare..  it says he has a shaved head, and that he has been online dating way too long.  Oddly enough, the majority of words is found under the “Message Me If” section which reads:  “Message me if you think we have anything in common and if you are serious about meeting someone.”  

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Online Dating A.D.D.

26 Aug

The following messages come from a gentleman who, according to his profile, is an intellectual:

“Love your profile”

“Thanks.”

“Want to get coffee some timr”

“Based merely on that you love my profile?”

“Ya.  I think he is thinking because you look kind of sassy”

“Oh.  Is that what he thinks?”

“Ya. I think you need one;)”

“Need one what?”

“A spanking”

“Wow. That’s rude.”

“I’m sorry. Giovanno”

 

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Dirty Old Man

5 Aug

I’ve grown to expect gross messages from young hornballs, but it still boggles my mind when someone who could easily be my father based on age sends something disgusting..   Aren’t we supposed to mature with age?

Please guys, strive not to be the dirty old pervert.

 

“Do you ever just want to get laid good for a day or two?”

“Aren’t you old enough to now better than to ask such a thing to a lady?”

For those of you that didn’t catch that – my response should have indicated that I wasn’t amused and the conversation shouldn’t continue.

“You look like a girl that would like a good wild fuck.”

I understand that not many of you know who I am, or what I look like – but I assure you, I don’t come across that way at all – online or in the real life.

“Well, Pops.. Looks can be deceiving.”

“You’re awfully picky for a fat girl”

Haha!  Bash in a male’s ego and regardless of age, he’ll try to offend you by calling you fat.

“But only one of us really has a shot at getting laid by a stranger from the internet.. And spoiler alert:  It’s not you.”

“It ain’t you either weirdo”

“Lucky for me, that’s not what I’m looking for.   Anything else you care to try to offend me with?”

“Look at you wash your face little [conservative/liberal] piglet”
(In reference to [conservative/liberal] — Pick your favorite – I’m not getting into it on here..  This blog is politically neutral.)

“Well, that’s probably the most offensive so far, as not one fat ounce of me is [conservative/liberal].   Have a good rest of your life, Sir.”

 

Gentlemen – if nothing else, learn how to respect the “fairer” sex.  You’ll have much better luck all around.

 

 

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My Favorite Position

23 Jul

I was starting to think for awhile that my blog had finally worked, and the world was free of stupid online dating messages..  But, apparently the weirdos were just on hiatus.

“What’s your favorite position?”

I know what you’re thinking.. He couldn’t possibly be asking what it sounded like.

“Hmm..  Well, I enjoyed my time in management.”   (CatLady Fun Fact:  I used to work in management.)

“Lol”

I gave him a little bit of time to be more clever than that.. but, when I realized that wasn’t going to happen:

“Oh!  I’m sorry.  I think I misunderstood your question.  My REAL answer is:  It’s a tie between Quarterback and Tight End.”  

“Lmao!”

Might I please express my strong dislike for stupid responses such as “LOL” and “LMAO”?   I am trying to have a conversation here.

“I’m glad you’re amused.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you”

 

Weird…  Anger Font strikes again.   Oh well.   Next!

 

 

 

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