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OKCupid: My Self Summary

18 Jul

This may just be my favorite self summary on OKCupid of all time:

“My self-summary

This website sucks… u vapid women would not know a good guy if he came and shit on your tits”

Now.. wait a second here..  I am pretty sure a good guy wouldn’t do anything of the sort with my, or any female’s tits.    That just doesn’t seem like something a do-gooder would do.

Why does he think that’s a good analogy?   Or, better yet.. Why does he think that is suddenly going to make him appealing?  He obviously thinks pretty highly of himself..  does he go around pooping on people?!

There are several people on this Earth that I will never understand..

Even If He’s a Doctor..

17 Jul

My poor friend, Velvet, is back on the online dating scene after being MIA from it for a good year and a half.   Your legs get a little wobbly the first time you are attempting online dating, or when jumping back in.

Here’s the deal – you need to set ground rules for yourself.. and you need to stick with those… EVEN if the man is a doctor.   I know you’d do your mother proud if you brought home a doctor,  but remember.. this doctor is online dating.  

So, Velvet had a few messages back and forth with the doctor.  She described his profile as funny and sweet, and it helped that he was cute.  (Also.. side note: Everyone should learn how to reverse search photos to make sure you aren’t being lied to online.)    Pretty quickly, the doctor asked for Velvet’s cell phone number, and another photo (as she currently only has one.)

Velvet didn’t stick to her online dating rule of not sending out pictures upon quick request, and likewise with her phone number.   He was a cute doctor.  (And let’s be honest.. let’s say Patrick Dempsey was REALLY a doctor, and wanted my number,  you can bet your ass I’d give it to him.  Mmm… I love me some Patrick Dempsey.)

Luckily for Velvet,  the photo she sent turned cute doctor into a pig immediately, and he responded “Sexxxxxxy bod”.

Eventually, comments such as that are acceptable..  after you’ve known a person for awhile.   Not within an hour of chatting with someone online.    Don’t break your rules.. if the cute doctor is worth it, he’ll play by the rules.

Adoption?

16 Jul

I guess I have never looked into adoption before, but I have a feeling it’s a bit more complex than what this guy realizes.  I guess on the plus side:  I’m adorable?

“You’re adorable. I’m adopting you as my little sister so we can drink kool-aid and climb trees. Afterwards we can star in a commercial about how awesome adoption is and you can give a really sad face to the camera but then I come around the corner with a pitcher of kool-aid and your smile turns into a party.”

Oh so very random.   I am pretty sure I didn’t join OKCupid, PlentyOfFish or any other dating website gain an adopted older brother.. especially since I am in what most people consider my late twenties.  Besides, I already have a brother.. I certainly don’t need another one.

Adopt me as your girlfriend, change kool-aid to alcohol and climbing trees to almost anything else,  and I’d probably be willing to close the deal..  Even with the commercial.

Hmmmmmm….

15 Jul

Maybe some girls like this type of first message.. but, I don’t get it..

“I slowly lick up your thigh the anticipation making you squirm and moan..”

Before you are quick to judge..  I mean, I do get it… but, I don’t really see the fun in this type of thing.   I don’t know you, I don’t want to pretend you are licking up my leg..  that’s just a little odd to me, ya know?   It’s not like you go up to someone at the grocery store and start licking up her thigh, right?

Really, I would just advise to not attempt these types of messages until you know the person..   Otherwise, you’re probably just being laughed at.

A Very Serious Rant

14 Jul

When I rant about messages I post,  I am actually laughing.  I post them for the world to see, because they are hilarious.   Not much do I actually find offensive.   For crying out loud, I am trying to find romance on the internet.. I honestly don’t expect much.

Today’s blog entry, however, is a different story.   Way too often am I seeing things like this when doing voting on reported messages on OKCupid..  and it’s 100% NOT okay.

The following messages are all from the same user, a day or so apart:

“hi. ur GORGEOUS!! id love to see more”

“Id do anything”    (except read a profile that says if you want a response, to talk about (fill in the blank).. but, that doesn’t count, right?)

“:(“

“ur all i can thing about. but i understand… i’ll go. might as well end my life :(“

The last message, particularly the last sentence, way beyond crosses a line.  In no circumstance is it EVER okay to message someone something like that in an online dating message.  EVER.

Suicide is absolutely nothing to joke about, and I do believe in the message above it was not a serious statement.  It is also not something that should be used to guilt a stranger on the internet into talking to you.  What if the person on the receiving end of that has had someone close to them take their own life?

I have not, thankfully, experienced suicide of a close friend or family member.  I hope I never have to.   But, sadly, I know several people who have, and it is devastating.   Joking about it, or blaming someone for it is never okay.

All that being said,  if someone not responding to you online actually gives you suicidal thoughts, I strongly encourage you call a help line or talk to someone close to you.. or to someone who has lost a loved one to suicide.  There’s help out there..  and sometimes you just have to remember that there is going to be a beautiful sunrise or sunset, or SOMETHING, that you know you are going to be glad you didn’t miss.

Stay real, everyone.  =)

An Interesting Request

13 Jul

Like I have told you all before,  I have a few profiles out there.  One in particular, I often times change up the location just to see if I should be relocating.

So,  according to said profile,  I am currently on the East Coast, and got a message from someone that read:

“hey buddy.. let me buy you a drink.. dont be such a snob”

He must get turned down a lot to already assume I am a snob, considering we have had no interaction prior to this.   But… if he doesn’t want me to be a snob,  at least I will tell him he is allowed to buy me a drink..  he can wire me the funds if he wants to.

“Okay.”

“Ha.. was that too pushy? when/where would you like to meet up?”

“Well, I am actually in [state], so whenever you are able to get here.”

For the record, yes, his message was pushy.   No one owes you a night out.  I don’t know why I keep needing to remind people this.

Apparently Not My Type

12 Jul

“Damn you are so beautiful.. I swear i wish i was your type id sure like to know more about you”

The best part about getting a message like this is that I don’t feel the need to look at his page.   He has informed me that he is not my type.   I find this particularly funny for two reasons:

1) I don’t even know what my type is.   I am still trying to figure that out.   All I know for sure is people who send creepy messages are not my type.

b) The profile in which he messaged of mine has pretty minimal information.  If he actually read  the profile,  it states I am looking for someone to mow my lawn, and shovel my driveway..  granted, that is partially a joke.  (It is also partially true.)   So, I take that to mean he would be sipping cocktails watching me cut the grass.  Not happening.

Are There “Normal” People Online?

11 Jul

Today, I got a comment on the blog from Mr. DramaFreePaul of 35andonlinedating.   I figured newer readers may have similar thoughts/questions, so I should set the record straight here.  He writes:

 “You seem like a cool gal.  I know you get all these weirdo messages. Do you get nice ones as well?  Have you met any cool people off any of the sites?” 

Well, hello DramaFreePaul!

You are very wise in thinking I seem like a “cool gal.”   I am a cool gal.   Let’s face the facts here:  I am, basically speaking, like a majestic glittery unicorn that has magical powers, who is funnier than Will Ferrell.   Oh, and of course I am also wrapped in bacon.  I am sure you can now understand why my inbox is as flooded as it is. 

I do receive nice messages as well.  I don’t tend to blog about those, because that would make my blog rather boring.  It’s quite fun to mention my blog to seemingly “normal” people online, as it miraculously puts them on their best behavior.  I do tell these guys that they are spared from ending up on here provided they stay normal.  I don’t tell everyone about my blog.. but figure it’s important if I am going to meet up with someone so they aren’t blindsided later.

I have also met quite a number of people from online. Most of these real life meetups aren’t comical enough to blog about, with the exception of #31.   I am quite awkward and uncomfortable around people until I know them a little better.   Pretty much anytime I am interested in seeing someone again – they completely stop contacting me, or tell me they aren’t interested.. and anytime I am not interested – They want to see me again. 

Most recently, I met up with Super Hot POF guy,  who is amazingly more attractive in real life than he is on his photos.   I was proud of myself for being way less awkward than I am normally, but – alas, and per the usual – because I am interested.. I haven’t heard back.

But – overall,  I have had pleasant real life experiences, and have even made a few cool new friends (who know who they are.)

Any other questions I can answer for anyone?

 

Respectable and Courteous

10 Jul

So, apparently the meat market is just full of women who are married with children.. although I doubt that..

“At least you’re not married and have kids like the other girls on here”

“I guess that’s a perk.”

I mean, come on – what was I supposed to say to that?

“What’s your phone number ?”

Woah, buddy.   I didn’t answer that, because even though I have a Google Voice number that protects me from all evil,  I need a bit more to work with before I am comfortable handing out my digits.

After a few days of not getting my phone number, he tried a new tactic:

“You are cute’er than the average girl here .. anyone nailing you ?”

Is anyone nailing me?!   Wow, that’s just classy.

“I like to think I am bit more respectable than that.”

“Im respectful and courteous .. do you want to hang out ?”

He is respectful and courteous?   Didn’t he just ask me if I was being nailed?  Bet you can’t guess my answer!

“No, thanks.”

You Want to What?

9 Jul

“I want to dowse you in green paint and spank you like a disobedient avocado.”

Is this another pop culture reference that I am totally missing?   All of my avocados are well behaved.. so I guess I just don’t get it.  (But then again,  I can be horribly naive.. so again, if I am missing something.. by ALL means..)

Guess what, everyone!  I’m on Facebook now.  Let’s be friends!

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