Hahaha… Oh Tinder.

18 Sep

The past few weeks I have been having some fun with a smartphone app called Tinder.  If you aren’t aware of what it is –  basically, it’s “Hot or Not” and if you “heart” someone, and they also “heart” you, you will be able to communicate with one another (text message style) through the app.

What I like about it is it’s also hooked up to your Facebook, so it will tell you if you have any mutual friends, or mutual interests.  (Pro-tip:  I always check out people who I have mutual friends with..   I will also get mad at said mutual friend for not offering to set me up.)

After signing up, and going through the endless amount of males that have this app-  I heard a rumor that this is more of a hook-up app.   I hadn’t really found that to be the case..   Until tonight:

“I want to bone you”

“Oh.. Umm, wow.  Thanks, I guess?”

“Oh you are so welcome.  Kinda creepy since my mom’s name is also [CatLady] but I could get over that”

“Okay, so.. what?  Like, right now?”

“Hmm.. where do you live?”

“You definitely are not coming here… and you can take that whichever way you would like to.”   (Ba-dum-bum!  ..I crack myself up..)

“Sorry mom”

“You certainly know the way into a girl’s pants.  Mom must be so proud.”

“You have a great rack”

“Yes, I’m aware.”

“May I see?”

“No.”

“No with a period?  You mean business”

He then told me to have an enjoyable evening, and I wished him luck in his search for a piece of meat.   He said he’d let me know of any updates.  I shudder at the thought of this walking-STD.

 

My Review of EHarmony

28 Aug

A few months back, I got an e-mail offer from EHarmony that was impossible to refuse.   Their service is normally anywhere from $12.95 to $60.00 per month (roughly) depending on how long you sign up for.   ($13 per month if you sign up for a year, $60 for one month)   They ran a special a few months ago that I was able to sign up for $6.95 per month, for 3 months.  I decided I couldn’t afford not to try EHarmony… but now that my 3 month stint is over, all I can do is hope that EHarm thinks all publicity is good publicity.

First and foremost, (and EH isn’t the only online dating company to do this..) anything over $15 per month is too expensive to be paying a computer to match you.   While I find their 12 month subscription price to be reasonable,  the fact that they want you to sign up for an entire year makes me feel like maybe they aren’t confident they are going to find you the love of your life.

On that note – given that some people actually PAY them $60..  profiles like this should not be something ever found on their website:

eharmSeriously..  if I ran that website, anyone who put specific key words in their profile would be immediately flagged for staff review.   (EH did remove the user upon seeing my picture tweet, and asking me to send them an e-mail with more info.)

I, personally, did not have any luck whatsoever on EHarmony.  I sent out their questions to users I was interested in, and responded back to some.. but nothing ever went further than the guided communication.   I don’t blame EH for that – but after a month, I was informed that my distance preference (a radius of 30 miles.. according to the most recent census, there are 3.28 million people within 30 miles of yours truly.)  was too specific and they encouraged me to change this to a 100 mile radius.    Now..  I know people will take drastic measures for love..  but, really.. even 30 miles away for a stranger from the internet is pushin’ it.

So, I started getting matched with people far out of city limits, which was really a waste of time.  But then, after another couple days,  I was alerted that my age range of 27 to 34 was too specific, and I should broaden those requirements as well.  Are you joking?

I have decided that I got a sweet deal because no one uses EHarmony anymore.  I still think that OKCupid is your best deal out there –  it’s free, and you might get some kooky people in there (see rest of blog), but it’s easy to use, and it’s fun.

So, long story short.. In my opinion:  Eharmony sucks.

**

Totally unrelated to EHarmony:   Tomorrow night (Wednesday, August 28, 2013) at 10:00pm Central Standard Time,  A_Dude79 and I will be podcasting live.   We have Catfish/Nigerian Scammers,  “The First Move”  and the burning question of “Is Facebook ‘Friendship’ the new Phone Number when it comes to dating?”  on the agenda.   If you haven’t tuned in before,  tomorrow would be a great night to do so.  We take calls and feedback from Twitter as well.   Put it on your calendar and don’t miss it!   Link HERE.

Junk Mail.

20 Aug

Just when I think nothing more can surprise me when it comes to online dating.. I get a first online dating message such as this:

“8======D~~~~~~”

What’s classier than sending a dick pic?  Sending an emoticon dick pic, of course!  And let me tell you, my friends, am I uber impressed.

Luckily for him (and you..) I was feeling a little feisty, and although a message like this would normally be ignored.. I couldn’t resist the fun that could be had:

“Interesting.. Let’s be real here, though..  You don’t want to be misleading:  8==D~~”

I really want to know what he thought I would respond to his massive dick.. but, even at that moment, I was calling my response a win.

“Yeah I know its only 3 instead of 6 :/”

“We will make a great pair then since I only have a two inch vagina.”  (Many thanks to @DatingMary for this one.. making the score CatLady – 2,  Moron – 0.)

“Lol that’s a good one”

…and that was it…  Crickets ever since.  Granted, I am okay with not meeting this fine specimen in person, or even talking further… but what was the point of all that?  Can someone please explain to me how the male mind works?!

 

 

Flirting Techniques

17 Aug

On the last podcast,  we had a “flirting expert” on to discuss different ways to flirt.  And, I’ll be honest…  I define “flirting expert” as someone I may know in real life who is a huge flirt –  and he had some pretty cheesy pick-up lines to share.

He did also share that eye contact is good, not over-drinking, batting eyelashes and getting dolled up (i.e nails done, etc.)  are good tricks for girls to show that you are interested.

Honestly, I feel like I have those things down pat.. but perhaps just too much in my every-day life.  (I do consider myself a big flirt, in general.)   I thought I would bring it to discussion on the blog.    I’d like to know in the comments or via the Twitter –  What does someone of the opposite gender do that indicates to you that they like you, or are interested?  (I’m talking IN person.. not online.)

Additionally..  because the “flirting expert” mentioned to me that I should get my nails done, I have a poll question for my gentlemen readers:

But again –   let’s talk through this.   What can a person do to indicate that they are interested?   Can’t wait to see what you all think!!

Online Dating Faux Pas

13 Aug

I’m sad I have to blog this, because I thought it would be common knowledge – but since I came across it today, apparently it is not.

As you online-daters know,  OKCupid has somewhat of a “News Feed” on your home page, which shows you what users have added photos, or added something to their profile.

Now, I have always told you that having a photo with a member of the opposite sex on your online dating profile is a bad idea..  But, a user uploaded one of these with the caption:

“this pic was taken back in 2006 for my Ex girlfriends prom (sigh) Miss that girl sum times.  We were together for 4 years…… I just hope she’s happy and finds what she’s looking for and I hope she knows that I will always love her.”

1)  Again – pictures with a member of the opposite gender are NOT a good idea.. ESPECIALLY if that person is an ex!

2)  Pictures from 2006 are NOT acceptable.   Hell, pictures from 2011 are not acceptable at this point.

3) If you publicly announce in your profile that you are still in love with your ex, your online dating journey will be a boring one.  No one is going to message you, or respond to your messages.

4)  Let’s pretend everything I’ve said so far is bullshit..  You clearly screwed up big time back in 2006, or whenever it was that this girl clearly dumped you.   What did you do?!

5)  Prom?  Really? … And you’re 30 years old..  Really?

 

Your Online (Dating) Footprint

9 Aug

I’m going to be totally honest with you guys –   I have signed up for a RIDICULOUS online dating website, which I will disclose at a later time.  The reasons were three-fold.

1)  A co-worker told me about how ridiculous it is, and suggested I take a look.

2)  Without me mentioning the site AT ALL,  they randomly started following my CatLady account on Twitter.

3)  You know I am hoping for some entertaining material for you all.

So, again, more to come on what the website is, and my experiences with it.. but, I started looking around to see the kind of people on there.  All but one were not my “type” at all..  and that one.. that one was FREAKING ADORABLE.

Suddenly, I had a sense of horror..  I want to meet this guy, but I can’t possibly meet him on this site.   I don’t mind that he’s there..  (it’s not a fetish site or anything..) but if this is the future Mr. CatLady… I really don’t want to announce to anyone that I met him on ReallyWeirdWebsite dot com.

I did what every sane female would do.  I immediately reverse searched his photo to see if I could find him on any other, more respectable, dating website.   Apparently not.

I, then, google searched his username.   Bingo.  He IS on other dating websites, like No Strings Attached dot com,  Adult Friend Finder dot com,  Ashley Madison dot com, and Tranny Connections dot com, just to name a few.  (Complete with photos.. definitely the same guy, for the record.)

So – here’s your lesson for the day:   Men of the interwebs…  I know you are males, and I know sometimes you do shady stuff.   Okay, a LOT of times you do shady stuff..  If it’s not something you’d be proud of anyone knowing, for goodness sakes  – don’t use the same fucking username!

Then, he popped up as a quiver match on OKCupid the next day.  Umm.. pass.

*Bangs Head Against Wall*

5 Aug

Here is the cliff notes version of this dude’s form letter:  “Dear Pretty Girl on the Internet,  If you like what you see, hit me up.”

“Hi, I saw your profile and realize that you seem interesting. I know what you put in your profile description does not tell me everything about you since its overwhelmingly far too much to write. However, it gave me enough to send you this message..right?? lol..Enough to be curious in knowing more about who you are. Thus, I was hoping to get to know you better and go from there so we can see what nature have in store for us I know this site is weird and/or awkward because several strangers are sending you messages and you might be hesitant to respond. So I would not take it personal if you decide to ignore this message, but if you would like to stay in touch and you feel we might hit it off feel free to respond to this.

Thank you for taking the time to read this long message (I tend to talk a lot btw), and thank you for putting yourself out there on a site like this. It takes courage for people to do this because you don’t know who is reading your profile and there actual intent behind it. Even myself is a little freaked out by putting up a page on here, but if you don’t risk anything in life your chances of getting what you want will be reduced by ALOOT! lool

Thanks again and enjoy 🙂 !!!! “

If you are going to stoop to the low level of form letters, at least make sure it’s grammatically correct.   (Although, I still strongly encourage making it at least a little personalized.)

Your Online Dating Profile Sucks.

20 Jul

Hey.. you.  Yes, you.. the one reading this.  Your online dating profile sucks.

As a female who has viewed many an online dating profile, let me be the first to tell you that I am 95% sure that your profile is boring.   Do any of these sound familiar?

You hate writing about yourself.

You’re kind of a nerd about some things.

You like going out, but you are also content with staying in sometimes.

You’re looking for a “partner-in-crime.”

You love to laugh and have fun.  (Someone PLEASE find me the person that does not!)

What you’re doing with your life:  Living it.

You can’t live without:  Air, Food and Water.

You should message me if:  You want to know more.

If you have even ONE of those on your profile..  your profile is one of the thousands.

I’m going to tell you a secret… If you can be true to yourself, and stand out in your profile, you will be much more successful, even if you aren’t smoking hot.  I can’t tell you how you should do that as I don’t know you personally.. however, I will show you a POF profile I came across that stood out to me:

 

“Reviews of [Name] gathered from the internet and microfiche:

“Would date again! Not only was he helpful and caring, but he smelled amazing 87% of the time!”

“The epitome of what a man should be – without the spare tire!”

“I have never had such incredible experiences, and I’m an astronaut.”

“His hands are strong and bracing, as is his jawline. Impressive.”

“His bear wrestling skills are unparrelled.”

“So what if he can’t grow connecting sideburns, have you seen that head of hair?!”

“Je voudrais qu’il aurait choisi moi de porter ses enfants.”

“He fixed my broken heart, and my sink!”

“…. … ….. … ……” (Speechless)

 

FIRST DATE:  Three words: Pudding. Waterslide. Kiddiepool. Lets do this.”

This guy could possibly be the biggest tool on the planet, and I don’t even care.  He’s hilarious and fun.. I have very minimal information about him (Has good hair, likely speaks French, can fix things, probably has good hygiene) and I would totally meet up with him.

Like I said before, you can’t just copy this.. you need to do something that suits your own personality.   So, change it up and send me a link!    Let’s make online dating less boring!

Meeting People OFFline.

11 Jul

This post is fueled by competitiveness and alcohol.

As you may or may not know, most Wednesday nights I host a podcast with a great Twitter friend of mine, @A_Dude79.  Our last two podcasts now have been the two of us bickering because of a suggestion I made about where to meet chicks:  Zumba class.

(Listen all about it:   Episode 11 and Episode 12.)

My argument is:  If a guy goes to a Zumba class, and OWNS Zumba.. (as in, participates and has fun with it, makes eye contact with fellow zumba-ers and has confidence..)  he is immediately totally hot, and could easily suggest drinks and get some phone numbers.

A_Dude’s argument is:  Girls will automatically think he’s either gay or creepy.. and girls subconsciously will rule him out because he won’t be giving off enough testosterone.

Now,  I am going to be testing this theory with my heterosexual male cousin.  We have a Zumba date lined up, and even though he is going with me to Zumba – we won’t be going in together, and we will pretend not to know each other.   So – the follow up will be on NEXT Wednesday’s podcast. (Always held at 10PM Central Standard Time.)

But-  in the meantime…  We need some people to weigh in so we can put out the fire and lay this beast to rest!!   I ask you kindly to only answer the poll for your own gender:

 

Feel free to give me a piece of your mind in the comments, too!

Someone Forgot His Asshole Medication

6 Jul

On a whim last night, since I was going to the bar with some friends anyway-  I threw out an OKCupid local broadcast in case anyone wanted to join my table.  I normally wouldn’t suggest that feature, because it seems like an easy way to get abducted.. but, since I was among friends (a few of which were big strong men..) I decided to go for it.  I think more people should utilize OKCupid/POF etc for new friends – you might just meet the love of your life through a new friend.

So, to have the following make sense – I also need to tell you that last night, my profile my picture was me, holding wads of $100 bills.  (That’s just how I roll..)

“With all that money you can buy the drinks at [the bar] :)”

(I should also mention that this guy’s username indicates that he thinks he is the funniest man alive.)

“Right? Too bad its gone.”

“Spent it all on drugs didn’t you? Tsk tsk”    (Hi-larious.. ?)

“No.. I steal my drugs.. I spent it on responsible things.”

What came next came as a surprise to me:

“You should have spent it on a new hairdo.”

That’s… interesting, I guess.   Not knowing this guy – I didn’t know if I should have taken this offensively, or if this was just him being the funniest man alive.

“Oh, is that right?”  

After twenty minutes of no response to that, I sent another message:

“So.. are you coming or not?”    (I wanted to be prepared if I was going to be meeting this dickhead in person.)

“Sure am, i never turn down free drinks and getting hammered :)”

“Oh, are you bringing your mom?”   (Haha.. because I certainly wasn’t buying him a drink.. and I am the funniest WOMAN alive.)

“Sure am, that way I’m guaranteed to leave with a girl”

“Good plan, bro.​”

Shock of the century:  He did NOT show up at the bar..   So, what was the point of that conversation?   Guys online dating who’s objective is to just be an asshole are really ruining for people actually trying to make it work.

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