Tag Archives: creepy

Out-Witted

29 Jun

For those of you that got to hear my segment on Up And At “Em with Jack and Ben last week, you already know I received this as a first online dating message:

“Girl are you a tube of pillsbury cinnamon rolls because I want to bang you on the counter.”

I’ll give the guy this:  I laughed out loud..  loudly.

For those of you who I know are going to comment that I should date this guy…  I can’t.    The reasons are three-fold.

1)  He’s too young for me.

2)  He lives too far away.

and probably most importantly:

3)  He is way funnier than I am, and I am very distraught that I have been unable to craft an equally hilarious response.

 

 

 

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Extremely Kinky

27 Jun

“Hey how’s it going?  Saw your profile and wanted to say hello and see if you felt like chatting at all.  If you want to feel free to message me back!  Also if you don’t mind me asking but what’s the most private thing you’ve done.  I mean that sexually.  I only want to know because I am an extremely kinky person.”

“How very kind of you to grant me permission to respond to you if I so desired!  You should be given a medal for your chivalry!  — If I shared with you the most private thing I have done sexually, I am afraid it wouldn’t be private anymore, and I just can’t have that.  But, I must comment on the rarity of your type.  A 22 year old male who considers himself kinky?!  Unheard of!”

“Thanks.  Well I’m extremely kinky.”

And perhaps extremely stupid, as well, as he proceeded to ask if I would do things to him with a strap-on.  (I’ll be the first to admit I’m probably not the kinkiest person on the planet… but.. is that really an “extremely kinky” request?   I mean, I’ve definitely had weirder requests.)

But, seriously, you guys..  I HAVE FOUND THE ONLY KINKY 22 YEAR OLD MALE ALIVE!   Do I get a prize?

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Actually – I Have Seven.

23 Jun

“Pussy!”

“Did you just call me a pussy?”

“Just saying you have one and I bet it’s wonderful.”

 

I would challenge this individual to try this method of picking up girls in public, and to film said attempt for my viewing pleasure.    Or ladies, perhaps try the opposite by messaging, or approaching someone and yelling “DICK!”   Bet they wouldn’t be on the defense at all.

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Salad Tossing and Insults.

31 May

**I ought to clarify that my lovely podcast co-host informed me what “Salad Tossing” actually means…  This guy was not into salad tossing – or at least not that I know of..   I’m so dumb sometimes!**

Internet dating is so amusing, and I get closer to taking the leap and adopting a cat every single day.   When I told this online dater “No” for the third and final time,  he demanded that I at least insult him in a creative way.  If that wasn’t asking to be put on my blog, I don’t know what is:

“Your masks freak me out.  But I’d like to go down on you”

I really wasn’t sure what to respond to that.  Two very different, and two very bold statements.  I chose to reference one, and not the other.

“Given that I am not wearing any masks in my photos, it’s apparently my face that freaks you out.”

“So when can I hit it?”

Smoooth, dude.

“Never.”

“That’s too bad.  I eat pussy like no one you’ve ever met.”

“You don’t know that.”  (I can only imagine you guys don’t all get together and dish about how awesome you are at “dinner beneath the bridge”… but, I’ve been wrong before..?   But, I could easily argue that this gentleman has never met everyone I’ve ever met, nor know the quality of their bedroom skills. I know I certainly don’t.)

“Well I know I’m good.  I have references”

“I would assume such a thing is subjective.”

“I’ll let you be the judge”

“No thanks.”

For those of you men who think this might be a good technique for you to use.. I’d recommend stopping at this point, and not go on as this fool did.

“I can guarantee satisfaction”

“No you can’t.”

“Well you must be a dyke.  Happy hunting”

Right… if all else fails, attempt to insult her.. That should work.

“Well, naturally, any female that doesn’t want you is a lesbian.”

“Do you want me to tongue punch your dick mitten or not?”

I give up.

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Are You a 13-year-old Boy?

23 May

I have mentioned before that I work once a week in retail at a niche store for the discount.  Without getting into specifics, because I’m not a fan of stalkers, the product comes in large tins.   This is important to the story.

Last weekend, a group of 13 year old boys came in to the store.  For those of you that don’t know:  13 year old boys are pains in the ass, and I strongly believe we should lock them in a cage until it’s proven they can be appropriate in public.

I have figured it out –  most of my online suitors are like un-chaperoned 13 year old boys.

When they were in the store, the employees working were pawning them off to one another – because we all knew they weren’t going to buy anything and didn’t want to deal with them.  One of the children asked a question, and a co-worker of mine said, “Oh – CatLady will show you over there.”  (Asshole.)

“I would LOVE to show you how that works!”  I said as I grabbed two large tins, and he approached the counter.   As I was bringing them over, the delightful 13 year old boy proclaimed, “Wow, those are big jugs!”  Much like the similar-minded online dating suitors, I took him by surprise when without a beat I responded “Thank you!” 

My co-workers couldn’t contain themselves, and the 13 year old boy seemed surprised that an old bag such as myself understood his clearly disguised remark.  He turned his back to me, and his friends would not make eye contact with me.   This was seriously what I go through online constantly, except it happened in real life — and he was THIRTEEN.  (For the record, I did demand he turn his ass around and listen to the answer to his question..  but they left very quickly after that.)

Maybe next time before sending your creepy message out to a girl, think about whether or not you’d say it to her face.  If you wouldn’t – don’t send it.

Don’t be a 13 year old boy —  13 year old boys don’t get laid.

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I Won’t Bother You Again

12 May

“hi! nice profile you’re very very beautiful. im interested in meeting you, you seem real down to earth and like a friendly easy going person. we can get to know each other,, im looking to meet an honest, mature, open minded, and down to earth woman to get to know .we might get along i’m very chill and down to earth, laid back guy. you wont be disappointed believe me , im really attracted to you and i wanted to be as honest and direct as possible.. lets try it out ? we have nothing to loose… lets meet ,l think about it, we’re both single, lets take advantage of this opportunity. 😉 you can check out my profile and pictures and hit me up? ..lets get to know each other. if interested write back and let me know what you think? if not then please let me know so i dont stay waiting and wont bother you again, i’ll just move on. no big deal lol. hope to hear from you!! Im sorry for being so honest”

Because I wanted to prove that he is a bold faced liar, and not honest at all:

“Oh.. No thanks. I’m not interested.”

“hey looking for some good healthy protected se.x”

“You said in your first message to me that if I responded that I wasn’t interested, you wouldn’t bother me again. Why are you a liar?”

“Dont you want se.x?”

I totally forgot that I am online dating because I am outrageously horny and absolutely desperate.   How lucky for me that this gentleman has come along! *eye roll*

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Boob Pockets

22 Apr

Sometimes online dating messages aren’t creepy at all..  but this is NOT one of those times:

“I love you so much I want to take you skin and make it into a jacket.  Ps I would turn your boobs backwards and the would be really big pockets imagine the stuff I could fit into thos puppies!!!!!”

Cats.. I’m going to die alone with lots and lots of cats.

 

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How NOT to Win a Girlfriend

17 Apr

I am quite certain that this individual may be single for life:

“Hi. I’m usually not into rubenesque women, nor have I gone steady with a Lutheran, so I would like o say hi; since you’re pretty hot.”

“What?”

(The dictionary tells me that Rubenesque means:  plump or rounded in a pleasing or attractive way.   …Thanks, I guess?)

“Hi.  Thanks for the unusually fast reply. It was very fast. I take it from your response that it’s already late in the night and you’ve got your beer goggles set to stun, not that you need it, so I guess if you could just ad me to your booty call list, and/or rebound list; then I would be happy to get with you at your house at some future time to work on the plumbing or other issues.  I could even order gourmet neopolitan pizza if you so wished or such. Well, thank you for your time and good luck.”

….What?!

Interesting approach.. I would not recommend trying this one at home.

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“I’m Not a Creep”

22 Mar

I think I have literally lost my mind..  but since I have no evidence to prove otherwise,  my brain is intact – and this actually happened in real life.

I received a text message last night from a number that wasn’t even close to local.

“Hey how are u?”

Because I have been very busy the last few days,  I didn’t feel the need to respond to this.   About twenty minutes later, I got another text.

“U there?”

Again, this text was ignored.

Early this afternoon,  I received yet another text.

“How are u?”

About an hour and a half later:

“Is this [CatLady]?”

Okay.. this person knows who I am..  I waited a few hours to respond, as again I have had a few things going on to lately.  I finally responded..

“Who is this?”

“Its stewart u wanna chat?”

“I don’t know who you are.  I’ve got a lot of stuff going on right now.”

“I am a nice guy and what kind of stuff?”

“U there?”

“I am otherwise distracted right now.  Everything is fine, but I can’t talk.”

“Oh sorry I will talk to u later”

Two short hours later:

“Is everything going okay [CatLady]?   Please let me know.”

…What on earth?

“Explain to me who you are..”

“I am stewart from [city] and u [CatLady]?”

At this point,  I am confused, overwhelmed in general from other stuff, and figured the best course of action was to call my “old pal” Stewart and find out what exactly I was missing.

He answered a normal “Hello?”  and I said “..And how do I know you?”   And as if it wasn’t weird already:

“I saw you on Facebook.”

“On Facebook?”

“Yeah.  I saw you and Facebook and want to get to know you.   I’m really not a creep.”

Guys-  if you feel the need to tell a girl that you aren’t a creep, or creepy..  I hate to break it to you- but you ARE.

My phone number that I use for business is public on my Facebook page.  Stewart, I guess, stumbled upon on my page, and decided to PUT MY NUMBER IN HIS PHONE!?

He asked me where I was from, reiterated that he is not a creepy guy.. and I told him that I had family stuff I needed to go take care of.   He told me he wants to get to know me.  I told him it would have to be another time.

Seriously.. WTF?

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