Tag Archives: hilarious

I Have No Time For You.

3 Dec

“Hi

I am going to be very honest.

I am doing a crazy finance internship at the moment, so i don’t have the time to go on dates  (or capitalize all of my ‘I’s), but I am attracted to you.

I love seeing a woman orgasm, and I want to see it on your face.  It makes me feel great and it is just really beautiful.

I know women need more time to get turn on than men do, so I am sorry i don’t have more of my time to give you. 

I love and respect women (do you?!) and I don’t judge them for enjoying sex as much or more than men. (My goodness, how kind!)

If you ever want my company just text me.  (Okay.. number?) I know there is a time each month when you cannot stop thinking about your need to be filled, and wished you had an attractive man to take care of you. (This guy= MIND READER.)  We can meet at your place, talk and flirt for some time and then have sex or not, depending on how you feel.  If you want to jump me right away I will still make you wait, that’s just more exciting for me. (But you love and respect women?)  We can also meet near your place to talk first if that makes you more comfortable.  (Ah.. there’s that respect he was talking about!)

If the chemistry between us is good and you want to see me again or get into a relationship, I am very open to the idea.  (“Keep in mind, I have no time for this.”??)  The more I get to know and like a girl, the more I enjoy making love to her and giving her orgasms.

Finally, you have no reason to be shy about the whole thing.  You are really not the first girl who wants to meet me after this message 🙂 (I’ll bet you twenty dollars on that one, my friend..)“

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Sexual UserNames

27 Nov

I think we need to start a new online dating rule:   If your user name is something disgusting – you aren’t allowed to get mad if you get called out on it.

I’m not going to tell you what his username was, but I’d love to hear your guesses in the comments!

“if you are even half as sweet as you are gorgeous i would feel lucky to get to know you and go out with you”

“Aww.. Well, this may indicate my sweetness level:  I’m pretty disturbed by your user name.”

“I’m way more than a name”

“Right.  But you likely chose the name, which is the questionable part.”

“I did. and I’m not ashamed of it at all.”

“I wasn’t suggesting you had to be.  I’m just saying I’m disturbed by it.”

“Lmao that’s too fucking funny. You are so pathetic.  grow up lil kid”

“Now I’m too sweet.. go figure.”

“Every woman claims they are disturbed by it. But I’m sure its not disturbing when your cumming all over a guys face”

“Hmm.. I guess I wouldn’t know.”

“Really.  Is it something you don’t wanna try?  Obviously its ok if that’s the case.  just wondering.”

“It doesn’t sound appealing, but that’s probably because I’m a ‘lil kid’.”

“I was an asshole to say that.”

Kudos to him for trying to right the wrong, I guess.  Seriously, though, guys:  You don’t need to use something sexual as your user name, and you shouldn’t! Or at least if you do – be understanding that maybe not everyone is into the same kink you are.

Anyone have any cats to send me?

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Interesting Approach..

17 Nov

On OKCupid,  it doesn’t take long to recognize people that visit your profile constantly.  This first message came from someone who, according to my visitor list, never looked at my profile. (Although, not possible since he would have had to in order to send a message.)

“Quit being a bitch.”

This message really caught me off guard.  My profile has always been well-received, and I don’t have the “Responds VERY Selectively” red light of death.

Since I certainly don’t consider myself a bitch, I responded, “Only if you quit being nice.”   (Get it?  Because he wasn’t being nice!)

And within eight hours, he deactivated his OKCupid profile.

This mystery remains unsolved.

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Persistence

5 Nov

This morning while getting ready for work, my phone beeped that I had a new Tinder match, and not ten seconds later, that I had a new Tinder message.


“Let’s make out!”

Goodness.. it was 7AM.

“How does that work?  Do we lick our phone screens or something?”

“No we hang out and actuslly make out lol”

“Well, that won’t be possible, because I have work.”

“Ha ok after work lol”

“No can do, I have plans.”   (Yeah.. plans to blog about you..)

“I see. Quickie before work?”

“That’s also going to be a no.”

“Too bad.”

What did you do today, Dude?  “I tried to convince girls to make out with me all day on Tinder.”  GET A JOB!

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Girls Strike Out, Too.

26 Oct

I often have a lot of men complaining to me that women never take the initiative and send the first message in online dating.   I’m not here to say that we should or shouldn’t, but if I find someone I think I might like –  I am not shy to send a message.  You really have nothing to lose but a few minutes, if that.

I found a profile of someone in the area, in my age range, who is attractive, seems fun and that he has his ducks in a row.. and he mentions his adoration for Phil Collins more than once.  (Which could very easily be sarcasm.. but if you list it once, it’s fair game in a message.)

I sent him a note.  I won’t post it because it would make his profile easily find-able.  I asked him about something Phil Collins that he referenced on his profile, and gave it a few days.  Clearly he would see that I’m his future bride.

Nothing.   So, I did what any sensible girl would do..  I sent one last attempt:

“How could I just let you walk away?  .. Just let you leave without a trace?”

It clearly wasn’t meant to be if he didn’t find that hilarious.  Oh well.

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Once a Month..

9 Oct

You know a person takes online dating SUPER seriously when their initial message to you says:

“Im pooping”

I was bored enough to see where this was going to go.

“Congratulations!  Thank you for the update.”

“U  know whatdestiny is?”

(Oh my God, if it has something to do with pooping…..)

“I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”

“its a ps4 game”

“Alright.”

“Anticlimactic”  (Uhh… yeah.. you’re tellin’ me.)

“Anythimg interestimg in the world?”

“I’m pretty sure you just told me the only two interesting things that have ever happened.”

“lol wut i mean like, whats up but more complicated.”

“I really can’t compete with pooping and PS4.”

“Lol well im actually playing ps4”

At that moment, I realized that being a woman, I could compete with pooping and PS4 (and even one-up him)..  and it just might scare this Prince Charming away.

“I’m menstruating, so that’s fun.”

“Thats amazing”   (Damn it!)

“I do it once a month!”  (Ba-dum-bum… I’ll be here all week.. tip your waitresses.)

“Ive always wondered what it looks like but women always say no”

“…It looks like blood.”    (However, now that I’m typing this.. it makes a LOT more sense that he wonders what a vagina looks like.  D’oh!)

“Amazing i admire ur vagina, its like a boxer”

..I probably should have asked for some clarification on that.   Like,  he thinks it punches people?  Or is comparing it to breed of dog that often has a bad reputation? But-  I got bored with him.

 

 

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Your Mom

15 Sep

A good rule of thumb when it comes to online dating is:  Never send a message that you wouldn’t be comfortable showing your mother.

“hey whats up? do you want to have bareback sex with me?”

Oh gee, can I!?  I should be used to stupid messages by now, but it still floors me that a good chunk of people on the internet find this behavior acceptable.  Don’t they have parents?

“What would your mother think of the message you sent me?”

“never thought about it”

“Go ask her.”

“thatd be awkward”

He never did report back.  I can only hope his mother talked some sense into him.

 

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My Spirit Animal

13 Sep

A few days ago, I received a comment from a reader suggesting that I share some good online dating stories here as well, so that my fellow females can not totally lose hope in online dating.  I knocked him down by saying I don’t and won’t do that, mainly because those interactions are boring.

Naturally, only two short days later, I had a good online dating interaction that I found blog-worthy.    (And – double shock –  It’s from TINDER!)

“What would you say your spirit animal is?”

“I would have to go with a penguin.”   

(I went with a penguin because I feel if I were to be an animal, I’d probably be a penguin.   After further research on the matter, according to my birth date and year, apparently my spirit animal is an aardvark – for any of you collecting Fun Cat Lady Facts.)

“Bluegill sunfish here.”

“Nice!  Wait..  I think that means my spirit animal would eat your spirit animal..”

“How could I convince you to spare my life?”

“You’re in luck, I’m not a big fan of seafood.”

“Haha!  What a relief!”

 

The only real downside to this interaction was that I think he was merely just visiting my area, as Tinder now shows him as quite far away.

See ladies, not all the guys online dating are weirdos.  (However, if you’ve been online dating, you probably already knew that.)

 

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Too Much Information

10 Sep

“well hi, name my is [Name}, you are absolutely beautiful . I am 30, going back to school for Networking Administration, adding to my 4 year degree public health degree, I graduated from [College] in [City}, in 2007 working at [Place] and [Place] at the moment, and i own my own townhouse in [City], i would love to chat with you and learn more about you 🙂
things i like, star trek, cuddling, pizza, computers.
what about you?
i hope to hear from you
[Name]”

When your FIRST form letter doesn’t get a response.. Wait a few days and send the new and improved,  EXTENDED version  (my favorite parts are underlined):

“Well hi, My name is [Name], you are absolutely beautiful . I am 30, going back to school for Networking Administration about half done, adding to my 4 year public health degree, I graduated from [College] in [City] in 2007 working at [Place] and [Totally Different Place Than Last Form Letter] at the moment, and i own my own townhouse in [City], i would love to chat with you and learn more about you 🙂
things i like, star trek, cuddling, pizza, computers, intelligent conversation
i am not looking for a one night thing, unlike it seems most guys out there, i never enjoyed that, nor have i ever done that. i am trying to overcome the large stigma of online dating “guys”… so i am being open and honest. I am interested in your heart and your mind. Those are the things that matter…
tell me more about yourself, i am a chatterbug and love a good stimulating conversation 🙂 try me 🙂
a little more about me 🙂
I was born an extreme premature, 24 week… i was 1.3 pounds. 1% survival chance, eye and lunch damage due to the high O2 environment of the forced respiration. Got my name in the NICU neonatal intensive care unit, the nurses called me [Name plus biblical story], thus i always had [animals] as a baby, stuffed animals and such. in and out of the hospital for about 3 years. started kindergarten at 6 instead of 5. i am an only child… grew up in [cities listed] area. my mom and dad got divorced when i was about 3. graduated from high school in 2003. then when to [College] in [city], from 2003-2007. dated emily for almost 2 years. graduated with a public health degree in dec 2007. lived at home after college, started dating holly from late 2008 to mid 2012…. bought my townhouse in [city] for $37,500 in late 2011. started dating sarah from late 2012 to march 2014… started back to school for networking administration in january 2014… now starting my second semester, very excited, loving school 🙂
so thats me in VERY small nutshell  (that’s what she said?)  🙂 i hope that wasnt too long lol and that it was somewhat interesting to read
i hope to hear from you
[Name]”

Underlined is what I consider far too much information.  Why would you give your dating history in a “first” message?!    And that is allegedly only a small nugget of information?   I’m already bored and we haven’t gone out!

..He did get a good deal on his town home though..

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Feminazi.

8 Sep

It just never ends, does it?

Today’s interaction is with a 22 year old male, who apparently doesn’t have a head.  Just a torso.  It appears as though he has probably been working out for about a month or so.. slightly defined, but nothing he should be bragging about.

“Into younger guys?”

“I’m not sure what you mean by that question.”

“I mean do you want a sexy athletic 22 year old to fuck your brains out or not?”

“Why would I want that from someone I don’t know?”

“because I’m insanely attractive  and it would feel so good.”

“I’ve not fucked many ‘insanely attractive’ guys that I DO know.  Your logic stands to no reason.”

“Before you insult my logic reread your sentence and try to type coherent.  Your logic is nonexistent”

I had a few moments of self doubt after reading that message..  But, I think my sentence made sense.

“Let me retype it for you, then:

I have (I’ve) not fucked many of the ‘insanely attractive’ (I am quoting your description of yourself here..) guys (males, men, boys) that I do know.  (As in guys that I know in real life.  I DO know them, versus you who I do not.)

So, if I won’t fuck them, and they are ‘insanely attractive’ (which can also be proven as I have seen their face..) Why do you think I would fuck *you* for that reason?

Does my sentence make better sense to you now?  🙂  (<– this indicates this was not said bitchily.  It is a smiley face.)”

“I do not think you would.  whoever said i thought you would fuck me? putting words into my head now?  I hate to be a misogynistic asshole guy but sometimes my physiology gets the best of me.  Yeah I think you’re attractive and I would totally love to fuck you to be straightforward.”

“How have I put words in your head?  You asked if I was into younger guys and when I questioned that, you clarified by saying ‘I mean do you want a sexy athletic 22 year old to fuck your brains out or not?’   … Were you asking for a friend or something?”

“I never once implied the slightest that I thought you would fuck me.”

“I can’t imagine your logic was ‘There is no way she’ll ever have sex with me.. I better ask her to be sure.’ “

“I’m not sober.  Idk what I was thinking and I don’t like arguing so i’m done”

“Okay.  Have a nice life.”

“Feminazi.  Fuck off.”

 

Umm…… ???

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