Tag Archives: sex

I Won’t Bother You Again

12 May

“hi! nice profile you’re very very beautiful. im interested in meeting you, you seem real down to earth and like a friendly easy going person. we can get to know each other,, im looking to meet an honest, mature, open minded, and down to earth woman to get to know .we might get along i’m very chill and down to earth, laid back guy. you wont be disappointed believe me , im really attracted to you and i wanted to be as honest and direct as possible.. lets try it out ? we have nothing to loose… lets meet ,l think about it, we’re both single, lets take advantage of this opportunity. 😉 you can check out my profile and pictures and hit me up? ..lets get to know each other. if interested write back and let me know what you think? if not then please let me know so i dont stay waiting and wont bother you again, i’ll just move on. no big deal lol. hope to hear from you!! Im sorry for being so honest”

Because I wanted to prove that he is a bold faced liar, and not honest at all:

“Oh.. No thanks. I’m not interested.”

“hey looking for some good healthy protected se.x”

“You said in your first message to me that if I responded that I wasn’t interested, you wouldn’t bother me again. Why are you a liar?”

“Dont you want se.x?”

I totally forgot that I am online dating because I am outrageously horny and absolutely desperate.   How lucky for me that this gentleman has come along! *eye roll*

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Who Says This Stuff!?!?

4 May

Oh, goody!  It’s “Howl at the Moon” time again.  Seriously, if this type of message has either worked on you, or for you-  I would like to interview you at some point on the podcast.  This just makes me shudder:

“Wow very sexy think me and you would have some great fun in and out of the bedroom love a sexy girl and was seeing if you were up to some fun tonight seeing where close by each other drinks and hot kinky play all night ill lick your tight wet kitty till you cream all over my mouth plus i think we’d hit it off have allot of fun on the regular even grab dinner or catch a basketball game just good friends who have allot of fun even take trips =)”

..Punctuation?  What’s that?!..

To this guy, and many many others:  YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!!!!!  Dating is not “If you sleep with me, we might go out to dinner and I might take you to fun things.”   You go out to dinner, and take her to fun things, and IF YOU’RE LUCKY (Haha! Pun!)  you might get some bedroom time.  Keyword:  MIGHT.  —  But probably not.

I still do not get why guys think that messages propositioning a stranger for sex is a good idea.. and why they think she’ll say yes.   If she does say yes, she’s likely crazy, and I thought the saying was “Don’t put your dick in crazy.”  If a woman wants to have sex, she will easily find that opportunity on her own.

Arghghghghghhghghghghgh!!

 

 

 

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What’s a Sloppy Toppy?

28 Mar

And, of course, more fun in online dating:

“Give that sloppy toppy?”

I have no idea what sloppy toppy means.. I have a feeling I should probably be offended, but I am not sure why.

“What?”

“hey do you live on a chicken farm by chance”

He didn’t answer my question, but I’m invested at this point to at least see what on earth he’s going to say.   I figured most girls probably tell him no, considering we’re in a non-farm area..

“Yes.”

“Oh bc u sure know how to raise a cock”

Ba dum bum.

 

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I Poked the Baby Bear!

9 Mar

I find it hilarious when guys clearly in high school are on Tinder posing as 27 years old and up.   They’ve got their senior picture up,  a prom pic, sports pics and sometimes even a picture of themselves in their letter jacket.

I mutually matched with one (as I am currently swiping right for everyone).. and couldn’t help myself:

“Hahaha!!!  You’re not 28!”

“That’s correct haha idk how to change it”

“You have to change your age on Facebook to your actual age.”

“Fuck, well that’s way too much work lol.”   

“Why are you on here?  What are you looking for?”

“Sex.”

“You are very clearly in high school.. No one my age is going to believe that you are over the age of 18, let alone sleep with you.”

“Jeesuz fucking Christ lady I’m not in high school those pictures are old I don’t go on fb often and I have a much better chance than you do fat ass damn, told you I’m on here for sex not to bullshit and you act like everyone on here is your age fuckin dumbass.”

(Nice period at the end of that run on sentence, Buddy!)

“Haha!  Better chance.  That’s  funny.  You’re adorable.  Good luck!”

“Just made plans to fuck a 22 year old on my way as we speak.  Lose weight and you won’t need tinder, guys are shallow.”

“I don’t need Tinder now, but thanks for your input.  Be sure to let the 22 year old know she’s probably going to jail.”

“You’re fucking retarded I’M IN COLLEGE”  (I would love to read the essay that got him accepted..)

“College guys wouldn’t be worked up over what a 29 year old ‘old bag’ is saying..”

And crickets..  Hahahaha!   I guess he’s acting like he’s in college now?

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“Don’t Take Life Soo Serious.”

8 Mar

If you’ve ever read me before – you understand that I certainly take this whole online dating thing with a grain of salt, and I do actually have a sense of humor about the whole thing.   He didn’t read me that way..  so, in an effort to “Not take life soo serious,”   I am posting this interaction, so we can all have a good laugh.   (I’m sure he’ll understand..)

“I have a crazy big cock …pets hook up”

“Pets not.”

“Lol I mean I have a big cicken and I need him to hook up”

“I don’t know what a cicken is.. But again, I’ll pass.”

“Chicken**”

“Rooster aka a cock  ….what do you live in a cave?”

“I prefer a cave to the barn you’re living in.”     (Part of me did want to tell him that I live in the Bat Cave… but.. he wasn’t cool enough to know that.)

“Jees calm down pussy cat I’m just Fucking around”

“Were you raised to talk to complete strangers like that?”   (Honestly, this wasn’t me being upset.. this was a legit question.  I’m sure has a mother.)

“Omg you clearly have no sense of humor …Dude don’t take life soo serious …life’s too short”

“Life’s too short, so I should enjoy your big cock?”  (Just curious..)

“Lol no I was just playing around..”

I’d be interested to hear if he gets any positive responses from his clearly hilarious opening line.  As always, I’d suggest knowing a little bit more about your audience before pulling out humor such as this.

 

 

 

 

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Gotta Love Tinder

28 Feb

After swiping left on the guy who was probably the love of my life,  I got to have this fun Tinder conversation instead:

“So what are you looking for on here?”

“I set no expectations, and plan to be surprised.”

“So a friend with benefits could potentially be alright?  Just being forward.  That’s what I’m looking for.”

“Sorry.. that won’t be happening.”

“Not even if we were the last two left on earth?”

“I like to keep it classy and don’t do casual sexual relationships.. So, in that case – Correct, even if we were the last two people on Earth.”

“What if I have the best oral skills west of the Mississippi?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“You’re missing out.”

“Are you sure?  If we were the last two people alive, you’d also have the *worst* oral skills west of the Mississippi..”

“I have to disagree.  I would be setting the bar.  There just wouldn’t be anyone that could raise it.”

“Yet, it’d still be the lowest bar.”

“And the highest.  So at that point I would just be average, not the best.”

“Okay, good.  So I’m not missing out then.”

“Yea, you definitely got me there.  Good work”

See – all you have to do is outsmart ’em.   And hope that the love of your life that you accidentally rejected finds another way to meet you.

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Waistline

22 Feb

I am probably going to get some hate for this one.. but hear me out:   I have been on OKCupid for almost 3 years now.  A few days ago, out of sheer curiosity (and social experimentation for the blog, of course)  I added “Casual Sex” to my “Looking For’ list.   Creeps (and non creeps) are coming out of the woodwork.  My internet leg has been constantly humped over the last 36 hours.  And, definitely more to come on this!

“Hi! I am [Name], i am a fun outgoing smart ass ha. I loved your profile. Not only are you pretty,but you seem genuine, and that’s hard to find on a dating site. I am sure you get a ton of messages a day. So if you could just message me when you have some free time that would be cool.
I hope the site hadn’t discouraged you too much. Anyways I would love to get to know you. How was your day?”

Now..  if you’ve read me before – I make it a point not to respond to messages that could have been copied and pasted.  I also mention this in my profile.   So, that, along with this guy says he is a smart ass.. I felt like I could be a smart ass back..  If he was worth knowing, he’d probably laugh about it:

“Thank you for your form letter. Please know that the time you took to copy and paste is very much appreciated. Hope you are having a great day!”

“Copy and paste? Are you serious? Wow have some issues with the site to accuse me? That was me. But I take it back. You obviously aren’t genuine”

I obviously pushed a button, because not even 30 seconds after receiving his defensive response:

“Wow why did I even message you. Look at me. Then look at u. Lol. Yeah that’s not a good match”

“And now I know how you handle some push back.
I think you should reconsider considering yourself a smart ass.. I clearly have you beat in that arena. Best of luck to you.”

“You clearly have me beat in the waist line too”

“Is that supposed to hurt my feelings or something?”

“Hey if you are proud. Just go with it”

“I am just curious at what you are trying to accomplish by telling me I’m fat?”

“Ha conversation over. I won. Bye”

“I guess that’s a matter of opinion. Have a nice day.”

“You got all hot and bothered ha”

“Not at all..  If that’s how you “win” conversations… There was no contest from the start.”

I honestly don’t know how one would “win” a conversation.

“Damn you are still talking? U got served”

“Oh.. Good.  My expanding waistline could use a serving.”

..And he didn’t respond after that one.. So.. I guess I won?

If you can’t take online dating with a grain of salt, and have to resort to name-calling and/or “bullying”..  You should reconsider online dating as a source of meeting people.

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Don’t Be That Guy

3 Sep

“I’m sure you’re looking for a whole lot more than me…

But I’m a hell of a lot of fun to pass the time with! I know you have some deep dark fantasies that your dying to let out. Have you ever wished you had a friend that you could just go crazy with in bed. A secret sex buddy you could explore your kinky side with? Without the worry of gossip, judgments or drama. Just pure kinky fun. I’m clean, sane, discrete and a complete sex maniac! I mean that in a fun way though. Think about it?

You’ll never know unless you try:) let’s chat?”

I must say that I am quite impressed with his decisions of where to leave a space.  It’s as if he anticipated my speaking aloud an answer before continuing on.. which, for the record were,  “Yes, I probably am looking for a whole lot more than you.”  and “I’ve thought about it –  Still no.”

Guys, for the 18 billionth time –  girls would not have trouble finding this sort of relationship if that’s what she wants..  and it really is, at least seemingly, a whole lot safer with someone that you know a little bit.    IF this were something I was looking for – and again,  it’s not..   I would need very up-to-date documentation that this was not going to end with herpes or any other STD for me.    And, stranger on the internet, very up-to-date would probably mean paperwork dated within the past week, IF you haven’t had any other action since then, which you also wouldn’t be able to prove.

Don’t be that guy.  Good things come to those who wait..

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