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Feminazi.

8 Sep

It just never ends, does it?

Today’s interaction is with a 22 year old male, who apparently doesn’t have a head.  Just a torso.  It appears as though he has probably been working out for about a month or so.. slightly defined, but nothing he should be bragging about.

“Into younger guys?”

“I’m not sure what you mean by that question.”

“I mean do you want a sexy athletic 22 year old to fuck your brains out or not?”

“Why would I want that from someone I don’t know?”

“because I’m insanely attractive  and it would feel so good.”

“I’ve not fucked many ‘insanely attractive’ guys that I DO know.  Your logic stands to no reason.”

“Before you insult my logic reread your sentence and try to type coherent.  Your logic is nonexistent”

I had a few moments of self doubt after reading that message..  But, I think my sentence made sense.

“Let me retype it for you, then:

I have (I’ve) not fucked many of the ‘insanely attractive’ (I am quoting your description of yourself here..) guys (males, men, boys) that I do know.  (As in guys that I know in real life.  I DO know them, versus you who I do not.)

So, if I won’t fuck them, and they are ‘insanely attractive’ (which can also be proven as I have seen their face..) Why do you think I would fuck *you* for that reason?

Does my sentence make better sense to you now?  🙂  (<– this indicates this was not said bitchily.  It is a smiley face.)”

“I do not think you would.  whoever said i thought you would fuck me? putting words into my head now?  I hate to be a misogynistic asshole guy but sometimes my physiology gets the best of me.  Yeah I think you’re attractive and I would totally love to fuck you to be straightforward.”

“How have I put words in your head?  You asked if I was into younger guys and when I questioned that, you clarified by saying ‘I mean do you want a sexy athletic 22 year old to fuck your brains out or not?’   … Were you asking for a friend or something?”

“I never once implied the slightest that I thought you would fuck me.”

“I can’t imagine your logic was ‘There is no way she’ll ever have sex with me.. I better ask her to be sure.’ “

“I’m not sober.  Idk what I was thinking and I don’t like arguing so i’m done”

“Okay.  Have a nice life.”

“Feminazi.  Fuck off.”

 

Umm…… ???

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Ask Me Anything

18 Aug

I had the following interaction with a 25 year old from California.  If you have been paying attention, you are aware that California is pretty far away from me.

“Hi there how are you this evening

My name is [Name]

Would you like to talk and get to know each other

Ask me anything you would like to know about me

You look absolutely gorgeous BTW :)”

 

“Okay.  Question 1.  How many chicken nuggets can you fit in your mouth at one time?”


“Five. You?”   

(Wow.. that’s not impressive at all…)

 

“I have never attempted this.

Question 2.  What are your thoughts on the death of Elvis Presley? (Minimum 50 words)”

 

He neglected to respond to that one.. So much for ask me anything.

So – what have we learned?    That it’s totally acceptable to ask one how many chicken nuggets they can fit in their mouth.. but it’s still too soon to bring up the loss of the King of Rock and Roll.

 

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Dirty Old Man

5 Aug

I’ve grown to expect gross messages from young hornballs, but it still boggles my mind when someone who could easily be my father based on age sends something disgusting..   Aren’t we supposed to mature with age?

Please guys, strive not to be the dirty old pervert.

 

“Do you ever just want to get laid good for a day or two?”

“Aren’t you old enough to now better than to ask such a thing to a lady?”

For those of you that didn’t catch that – my response should have indicated that I wasn’t amused and the conversation shouldn’t continue.

“You look like a girl that would like a good wild fuck.”

I understand that not many of you know who I am, or what I look like – but I assure you, I don’t come across that way at all – online or in the real life.

“Well, Pops.. Looks can be deceiving.”

“You’re awfully picky for a fat girl”

Haha!  Bash in a male’s ego and regardless of age, he’ll try to offend you by calling you fat.

“But only one of us really has a shot at getting laid by a stranger from the internet.. And spoiler alert:  It’s not you.”

“It ain’t you either weirdo”

“Lucky for me, that’s not what I’m looking for.   Anything else you care to try to offend me with?”

“Look at you wash your face little [conservative/liberal] piglet”
(In reference to [conservative/liberal] — Pick your favorite – I’m not getting into it on here..  This blog is politically neutral.)

“Well, that’s probably the most offensive so far, as not one fat ounce of me is [conservative/liberal].   Have a good rest of your life, Sir.”

 

Gentlemen – if nothing else, learn how to respect the “fairer” sex.  You’ll have much better luck all around.

 

 

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My Favorite Position

23 Jul

I was starting to think for awhile that my blog had finally worked, and the world was free of stupid online dating messages..  But, apparently the weirdos were just on hiatus.

“What’s your favorite position?”

I know what you’re thinking.. He couldn’t possibly be asking what it sounded like.

“Hmm..  Well, I enjoyed my time in management.”   (CatLady Fun Fact:  I used to work in management.)

“Lol”

I gave him a little bit of time to be more clever than that.. but, when I realized that wasn’t going to happen:

“Oh!  I’m sorry.  I think I misunderstood your question.  My REAL answer is:  It’s a tie between Quarterback and Tight End.”  

“Lmao!”

Might I please express my strong dislike for stupid responses such as “LOL” and “LMAO”?   I am trying to have a conversation here.

“I’m glad you’re amused.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you”

 

Weird…  Anger Font strikes again.   Oh well.   Next!

 

 

 

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The Whiskey Break-Dancer

20 May

I’m not saying this first online dating message is terrible..  It’s definitely unique, and could use a few minor tweaks..  But, interesting nevertheless:

“I have a batman shirt with a cape, and just to keep my boss in check I will show up in it instead of my uniform.  I once told I might have to leave early if I see my bat signal.  My last girlfriend was Carmen San Diego, and she left me for Waldo.

 She has my lava lamp, and I WANT it back but can’t find either of them.  I’m a free spirited guy, who follows his intuition.  I damn near cried laughing reading your profile, and it made my day.

 When I WAS 3 years old I played peek a boo with a cup and my penis.  

I still play, it’s just a bigger cup.  

I breakdance when I drink whiskey.  Which translates to I break furniture when I dance.  

I am studying to be a winner, because my parents didn’t raise a loser haha.  

What are your thoughts on people who block the whole aisle in a grocery store??”

I’m a little confused as to why he thought my profile was so funny – It’s actually pretty straight-laced.   If he could make it a little more specific, and remove the odd peek-a-boo game he felt so inclined to share – he might have a bit more luck.

I’ll give him this though:  Grocery aisle blocking is a problem, and might be what’s wrong with this world.  😉

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I Won’t Bother You Again

12 May

“hi! nice profile you’re very very beautiful. im interested in meeting you, you seem real down to earth and like a friendly easy going person. we can get to know each other,, im looking to meet an honest, mature, open minded, and down to earth woman to get to know .we might get along i’m very chill and down to earth, laid back guy. you wont be disappointed believe me , im really attracted to you and i wanted to be as honest and direct as possible.. lets try it out ? we have nothing to loose… lets meet ,l think about it, we’re both single, lets take advantage of this opportunity. 😉 you can check out my profile and pictures and hit me up? ..lets get to know each other. if interested write back and let me know what you think? if not then please let me know so i dont stay waiting and wont bother you again, i’ll just move on. no big deal lol. hope to hear from you!! Im sorry for being so honest”

Because I wanted to prove that he is a bold faced liar, and not honest at all:

“Oh.. No thanks. I’m not interested.”

“hey looking for some good healthy protected se.x”

“You said in your first message to me that if I responded that I wasn’t interested, you wouldn’t bother me again. Why are you a liar?”

“Dont you want se.x?”

I totally forgot that I am online dating because I am outrageously horny and absolutely desperate.   How lucky for me that this gentleman has come along! *eye roll*

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Who Says This Stuff!?!?

4 May

Oh, goody!  It’s “Howl at the Moon” time again.  Seriously, if this type of message has either worked on you, or for you-  I would like to interview you at some point on the podcast.  This just makes me shudder:

“Wow very sexy think me and you would have some great fun in and out of the bedroom love a sexy girl and was seeing if you were up to some fun tonight seeing where close by each other drinks and hot kinky play all night ill lick your tight wet kitty till you cream all over my mouth plus i think we’d hit it off have allot of fun on the regular even grab dinner or catch a basketball game just good friends who have allot of fun even take trips =)”

..Punctuation?  What’s that?!..

To this guy, and many many others:  YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!!!!!  Dating is not “If you sleep with me, we might go out to dinner and I might take you to fun things.”   You go out to dinner, and take her to fun things, and IF YOU’RE LUCKY (Haha! Pun!)  you might get some bedroom time.  Keyword:  MIGHT.  —  But probably not.

I still do not get why guys think that messages propositioning a stranger for sex is a good idea.. and why they think she’ll say yes.   If she does say yes, she’s likely crazy, and I thought the saying was “Don’t put your dick in crazy.”  If a woman wants to have sex, she will easily find that opportunity on her own.

Arghghghghghhghghghghgh!!

 

 

 

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How NOT to Win a Girlfriend

17 Apr

I am quite certain that this individual may be single for life:

“Hi. I’m usually not into rubenesque women, nor have I gone steady with a Lutheran, so I would like o say hi; since you’re pretty hot.”

“What?”

(The dictionary tells me that Rubenesque means:  plump or rounded in a pleasing or attractive way.   …Thanks, I guess?)

“Hi.  Thanks for the unusually fast reply. It was very fast. I take it from your response that it’s already late in the night and you’ve got your beer goggles set to stun, not that you need it, so I guess if you could just ad me to your booty call list, and/or rebound list; then I would be happy to get with you at your house at some future time to work on the plumbing or other issues.  I could even order gourmet neopolitan pizza if you so wished or such. Well, thank you for your time and good luck.”

….What?!

Interesting approach.. I would not recommend trying this one at home.

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Are Men Complimented Enough?

13 Apr

Last week on the podcast, I briefly mentioned this article that I had found on my Facebook news feed.   I ask that you read it as homework for our follow up podcast on the matter.

If you are lazy – I shall summarize:  This is seemingly written by a man, who claims that guys don’t have it as easy as us gals think.  Imagine a world where you are never gawked at, complimented, etc. when the media tells you that you are ugly.  Apparently, that’s the experience of life for the man-folk.

The article also suggests “Tell a moderately attractive man that he’s attractive tomorrow in whatever way feels appropriate to you. It’s likely it’ll be the first time he’s heard it from a woman with whom he’s not in a relationship in a long while, possibly ever.”

I don’t want to tell you my thoughts on this article, because on Wednesday night (10PM Eastern, 9PM Central) we will be discussing this on the podcast. But –  I want to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Additionally, LADIES..  Regardless of your thoughts on this article,  I’d ask a favor that you do as the article suggests at least once, and let me know how it went.   I have done so since the last podcast at least once a day, and will continue to do so until Wednesday.  (Oh, and are there ever some fun stories already with that experiment..)

Uffdah – Dontcha Know?

25 Mar

This last week has been a whirlwind.

Sometimes life throws just the most awesome and terrifying lemons at you.

Last Monday, a long-time fan of my blog who happens to know the area in which I reside, suggested on Twitter that I date Ben, a local radio host.  Why?  – I will never know.   I joked back about being nearby (I will not confirm or deny that I may commonly be within walking distance of said radio studio), and the co-host of the show started interacting with me, agreeing that I should meet Ben.  I laughed it off and went about my day, brushing it off.

The next morning,  I woke up to a message from the co-host:

“Can I meet you today?”  (And he specified a location, but not important to the story..)

“Sure.. I’ll be the one with 7 cats.”

“I’ll be the guy with my face.”

I can count on one hand how many times I have been legitimately nervous in my entire life.   I’ve added a finger in the last week.   I don’t have a solid reason why I was nervous, I’ve met plenty of near-strangers before.  I think it was more because I had no idea why a local radio host would want to meet me.

I went to the specified place at the specified time, and met Jack.  He told me about their morning show, and essentially asked me what I thought about coming on the show and talking about my blog.   While part of me inside screamed “HECK YES!” (I mean, my “About Me” says I’m up for radio spots..) another part of me became sick to my stomach.   Doing this would mean giving up a little piece of my anonymity (location, specifically) – and would require me to present my blog to people in my life that I know listen to that station.

The cat’s out of the bag –  I’m in the Minneapolis/St. Paul Twin Cities metro. (Dontcha know?)

Friday morning,  I presented my 5 “Don’t for Dudes” on Up And At ‘Em with Jack and Ben, with a surprise ending.  (I may or may not be asked out.. you’ll have to listen to find out.. and listen this upcoming Friday to hear how it went!)

I think sometimes nerves are a sign that something big is going to happen.  Maybe not.. but if nothing else,  it’s a great story to add to the collection.

Sometimes, instead of throwing life’s lemons back, you need to attempt to put some vodka in those suckers.  Take a chance — Life’s much more fun that way.

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