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My Favorite Position

23 Jul

I was starting to think for awhile that my blog had finally worked, and the world was free of stupid online dating messages..  But, apparently the weirdos were just on hiatus.

“What’s your favorite position?”

I know what you’re thinking.. He couldn’t possibly be asking what it sounded like.

“Hmm..  Well, I enjoyed my time in management.”   (CatLady Fun Fact:  I used to work in management.)

“Lol”

I gave him a little bit of time to be more clever than that.. but, when I realized that wasn’t going to happen:

“Oh!  I’m sorry.  I think I misunderstood your question.  My REAL answer is:  It’s a tie between Quarterback and Tight End.”  

“Lmao!”

Might I please express my strong dislike for stupid responses such as “LOL” and “LMAO”?   I am trying to have a conversation here.

“I’m glad you’re amused.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you”

 

Weird…  Anger Font strikes again.   Oh well.   Next!

 

 

 

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Actually – I Have Seven.

23 Jun

“Pussy!”

“Did you just call me a pussy?”

“Just saying you have one and I bet it’s wonderful.”

 

I would challenge this individual to try this method of picking up girls in public, and to film said attempt for my viewing pleasure.    Or ladies, perhaps try the opposite by messaging, or approaching someone and yelling “DICK!”   Bet they wouldn’t be on the defense at all.

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Salad Tossing and Insults.

31 May

**I ought to clarify that my lovely podcast co-host informed me what “Salad Tossing” actually means…  This guy was not into salad tossing – or at least not that I know of..   I’m so dumb sometimes!**

Internet dating is so amusing, and I get closer to taking the leap and adopting a cat every single day.   When I told this online dater “No” for the third and final time,  he demanded that I at least insult him in a creative way.  If that wasn’t asking to be put on my blog, I don’t know what is:

“Your masks freak me out.  But I’d like to go down on you”

I really wasn’t sure what to respond to that.  Two very different, and two very bold statements.  I chose to reference one, and not the other.

“Given that I am not wearing any masks in my photos, it’s apparently my face that freaks you out.”

“So when can I hit it?”

Smoooth, dude.

“Never.”

“That’s too bad.  I eat pussy like no one you’ve ever met.”

“You don’t know that.”  (I can only imagine you guys don’t all get together and dish about how awesome you are at “dinner beneath the bridge”… but, I’ve been wrong before..?   But, I could easily argue that this gentleman has never met everyone I’ve ever met, nor know the quality of their bedroom skills. I know I certainly don’t.)

“Well I know I’m good.  I have references”

“I would assume such a thing is subjective.”

“I’ll let you be the judge”

“No thanks.”

For those of you men who think this might be a good technique for you to use.. I’d recommend stopping at this point, and not go on as this fool did.

“I can guarantee satisfaction”

“No you can’t.”

“Well you must be a dyke.  Happy hunting”

Right… if all else fails, attempt to insult her.. That should work.

“Well, naturally, any female that doesn’t want you is a lesbian.”

“Do you want me to tongue punch your dick mitten or not?”

I give up.

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Boob Pockets

22 Apr

Sometimes online dating messages aren’t creepy at all..  but this is NOT one of those times:

“I love you so much I want to take you skin and make it into a jacket.  Ps I would turn your boobs backwards and the would be really big pockets imagine the stuff I could fit into thos puppies!!!!!”

Cats.. I’m going to die alone with lots and lots of cats.

 

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And The Oscar Goes To..

19 Apr

This form letter/dating cover letter made me laugh:

“Hi I hope your having a good and blessed week and enjoying this awesome weather  , I’m glad we upgraded on the weather.  It about time lol and I like your profile, it defiantly deserve a oscar lol and also you look amazing in your photos. I’m [Name] by the way :)”

Other than defiantly deserving “a” oscar, this makes me laugh because this “upgrade on the weather” he speaks of?  — 14 inches of snow.  Upgraded..  Ha!

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How NOT to Win a Girlfriend

17 Apr

I am quite certain that this individual may be single for life:

“Hi. I’m usually not into rubenesque women, nor have I gone steady with a Lutheran, so I would like o say hi; since you’re pretty hot.”

“What?”

(The dictionary tells me that Rubenesque means:  plump or rounded in a pleasing or attractive way.   …Thanks, I guess?)

“Hi.  Thanks for the unusually fast reply. It was very fast. I take it from your response that it’s already late in the night and you’ve got your beer goggles set to stun, not that you need it, so I guess if you could just ad me to your booty call list, and/or rebound list; then I would be happy to get with you at your house at some future time to work on the plumbing or other issues.  I could even order gourmet neopolitan pizza if you so wished or such. Well, thank you for your time and good luck.”

….What?!

Interesting approach.. I would not recommend trying this one at home.

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Are Men Complimented Enough?

13 Apr

Last week on the podcast, I briefly mentioned this article that I had found on my Facebook news feed.   I ask that you read it as homework for our follow up podcast on the matter.

If you are lazy – I shall summarize:  This is seemingly written by a man, who claims that guys don’t have it as easy as us gals think.  Imagine a world where you are never gawked at, complimented, etc. when the media tells you that you are ugly.  Apparently, that’s the experience of life for the man-folk.

The article also suggests “Tell a moderately attractive man that he’s attractive tomorrow in whatever way feels appropriate to you. It’s likely it’ll be the first time he’s heard it from a woman with whom he’s not in a relationship in a long while, possibly ever.”

I don’t want to tell you my thoughts on this article, because on Wednesday night (10PM Eastern, 9PM Central) we will be discussing this on the podcast. But –  I want to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Additionally, LADIES..  Regardless of your thoughts on this article,  I’d ask a favor that you do as the article suggests at least once, and let me know how it went.   I have done so since the last podcast at least once a day, and will continue to do so until Wednesday.  (Oh, and are there ever some fun stories already with that experiment..)

Save the Whales

4 Apr

I hate it when someone sends a first online dating message with a yes or no question.  So much so, that I rarely respond.  However, I was curious to see where he was going with this:

“Do you like whales?”

“Sure.”

“Wanna humpback at your place then?”

I’ll give him a point for cleverness, even though I doubt it was an original.  But, of course, my answer was:

“Oh.. No, thank you.  I doubt you have a large enough harpoon for such things.”

He either was going for reaction, or hates that I am funnier than he is.  Our interaction stopped completely after that.

I promise there are normal people online dating too,  they are just no fun to write about.

Be Aggressive in Dating!!

13 Jan

If you aren’t tuning into my weekly podcast,  you are missing out.   Last week we discussed being aggressive in dating, and I wanted to re-cap as well as add a thought or two.

My sexy beast of a co-host, @A_Dude79, brought up that he read an article that suggests to males that instead of beating around the bush and asking a girl if she’d like to get coffee,  BE AGGRESSIVE and tell the girl you’d like to take her out on a date.   If she says yes, then there is no question whatsoever that it’s a date.   If she says no, then you’ve saved yourself some money.  At the very least everyone is on the same page.

I agree with this entirely.  Being aggressive shows that you know what you want, and you aren’t afraid to take a risk to get it.  It’s just manly to tell a girl you’d like to take her out on a date.   And –  most girls want to date a man.  — I know I do.

We discussed on the podcast that “Let’s get coffee sometime”  can be taken a number of different ways.   Now –  let me tell you this:   Most girls know that this means a date.  We just play stupid.  If we’re not interested in dating you, we’re likely to go to coffee anyway and make it a friend-date. (And I know how much you guys hate the friend-zone..)   You are more likely to get a straight answer on if a girl is interested in you if you are aggressive.

I digitally bumped into an old acquaintance of mine,  and sent a “hello” message over because I had already clicked his page.   (Because I remember everything and everyone, I assume everyone else does as well.)  We’ve chatted back and forth, but I have absolutely no interest in dating him.  He thinks it’d be fun to get coffee and catch up.

Will I go?  Sure.

Do I think it’s a date?  No.

Does he think it’s a date?   Probably.

Would I have said yes had he asked me out on a date?   No.  (Fun fact:  I am 99% sure that he doesn’t even remember my first name.)

So why would I go to coffee then?   Because coffee is casual and I like people.  Also, because I can’t guarantee he thinks it’s a date, maybe he does just want to catch up.   And, who knows –  even though I doubt it, there could be chemistry?

Guys- just be more forward with your intentions, and consider rejection as money and time saved.   Try it out and comment or tweet to me with how it went.   I have a feeling we will all be pleasantly surprised.

 

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Flirting Techniques

17 Aug

On the last podcast,  we had a “flirting expert” on to discuss different ways to flirt.  And, I’ll be honest…  I define “flirting expert” as someone I may know in real life who is a huge flirt –  and he had some pretty cheesy pick-up lines to share.

He did also share that eye contact is good, not over-drinking, batting eyelashes and getting dolled up (i.e nails done, etc.)  are good tricks for girls to show that you are interested.

Honestly, I feel like I have those things down pat.. but perhaps just too much in my every-day life.  (I do consider myself a big flirt, in general.)   I thought I would bring it to discussion on the blog.    I’d like to know in the comments or via the Twitter –  What does someone of the opposite gender do that indicates to you that they like you, or are interested?  (I’m talking IN person.. not online.)

Additionally..  because the “flirting expert” mentioned to me that I should get my nails done, I have a poll question for my gentlemen readers:

But again –   let’s talk through this.   What can a person do to indicate that they are interested?   Can’t wait to see what you all think!!

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