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School-Girl Fantasy Much?

24 Jan

“do you have any knee high socks”

I can only imagine that this “suitor” has some sort of school-girl fantasy that he wishes to fulfill.   Or, perhaps his junk is just too big for regular socks..

“Yes, I do.  Do you need to borrow them?”

I have it on OKCupid’s authority that he read this message.. but then he deactivated his account.

What’s the score now?  CatLady – 510,  Douchebags – 0?

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Huh??

22 Jan

“Hi pretty lady….And funny too. Lol. I think I’m in love allready2 for you or me at least I got to read your bio . I would.  Will write to you more.  Soon if you want me to…… I want to too. Lol. Have a great day ok. ..”

I guess I’ll wait for him to write again..

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I Don’t Share.

13 Jan

Full Disclosure:  This blog post is likely going to offend someone out there.  If that’s you, and you want to clarify/discuss/yell at me –  It’s pretty easy to get in contact with me.

The other day, I came across a guy online dating who I really liked.  He was charming, witty and adorable.  We discussed boring first dates that we are both fed up with, our jobs and the first things we’d do when we win the lottery. Half way into our hour long discussion, he suggested that we meet up at some point and I was quick to agree that I was up for that.

We continued chatting, and I asked him how he could possibly be this amazing and single, besides?  Maybe I wouldn’t die alone with cats after all.

“Well.. I’m not exactly single.”

Continue reading →

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Plan B? More like Plan Fail.

1 Jan

“Plan b?”

“Lol. What?”

“Haha OK nmv..how’s your night going”

“No no no.  You explain yourself.”  (I was curious to see how he plan-b’d to dig himself out of this..)

“Aight” (and then he listed his telephone number.)

“No.”

“Ok I’ll try to explain.. it was a joke plan b is the morning after pill..”

“Yes, I am aware of that.”

“It was a joke proposition..”  (Duh.)

“Charming.”

“Well now that were past that hows your night going”

“I don’t know.. Some guy just used Plan B as a joke to attempt to pick me up or something.”

“That guy sounds like a douche I hope you told him to beat it”

….Happy New Year, I guess.

 

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I Have No Time For You.

3 Dec

“Hi

I am going to be very honest.

I am doing a crazy finance internship at the moment, so i don’t have the time to go on dates  (or capitalize all of my ‘I’s), but I am attracted to you.

I love seeing a woman orgasm, and I want to see it on your face.  It makes me feel great and it is just really beautiful.

I know women need more time to get turn on than men do, so I am sorry i don’t have more of my time to give you. 

I love and respect women (do you?!) and I don’t judge them for enjoying sex as much or more than men. (My goodness, how kind!)

If you ever want my company just text me.  (Okay.. number?) I know there is a time each month when you cannot stop thinking about your need to be filled, and wished you had an attractive man to take care of you. (This guy= MIND READER.)  We can meet at your place, talk and flirt for some time and then have sex or not, depending on how you feel.  If you want to jump me right away I will still make you wait, that’s just more exciting for me. (But you love and respect women?)  We can also meet near your place to talk first if that makes you more comfortable.  (Ah.. there’s that respect he was talking about!)

If the chemistry between us is good and you want to see me again or get into a relationship, I am very open to the idea.  (“Keep in mind, I have no time for this.”??)  The more I get to know and like a girl, the more I enjoy making love to her and giving her orgasms.

Finally, you have no reason to be shy about the whole thing.  You are really not the first girl who wants to meet me after this message 🙂 (I’ll bet you twenty dollars on that one, my friend..)“

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Persistence

5 Nov

This morning while getting ready for work, my phone beeped that I had a new Tinder match, and not ten seconds later, that I had a new Tinder message.


“Let’s make out!”

Goodness.. it was 7AM.

“How does that work?  Do we lick our phone screens or something?”

“No we hang out and actuslly make out lol”

“Well, that won’t be possible, because I have work.”

“Ha ok after work lol”

“No can do, I have plans.”   (Yeah.. plans to blog about you..)

“I see. Quickie before work?”

“That’s also going to be a no.”

“Too bad.”

What did you do today, Dude?  “I tried to convince girls to make out with me all day on Tinder.”  GET A JOB!

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Girls Strike Out, Too.

26 Oct

I often have a lot of men complaining to me that women never take the initiative and send the first message in online dating.   I’m not here to say that we should or shouldn’t, but if I find someone I think I might like –  I am not shy to send a message.  You really have nothing to lose but a few minutes, if that.

I found a profile of someone in the area, in my age range, who is attractive, seems fun and that he has his ducks in a row.. and he mentions his adoration for Phil Collins more than once.  (Which could very easily be sarcasm.. but if you list it once, it’s fair game in a message.)

I sent him a note.  I won’t post it because it would make his profile easily find-able.  I asked him about something Phil Collins that he referenced on his profile, and gave it a few days.  Clearly he would see that I’m his future bride.

Nothing.   So, I did what any sensible girl would do..  I sent one last attempt:

“How could I just let you walk away?  .. Just let you leave without a trace?”

It clearly wasn’t meant to be if he didn’t find that hilarious.  Oh well.

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Jollies

19 Oct

“When was the last time yu was eatin out”

I was pretty sure I knew what he was asking.. but, due to his horrendous grammar, I was going to sway it in my favor.

“I was at a restaurant last night.”

“Nice! When was the last time you had oral sex”

“Why do you ask?  I feel that’s pretty personal, and none of your business.”

“Who cares? not like were gonna meet anyways”

“We aren’t?  Why are you messaging me then?”

“Becuz Im a perv and I get my jollies off by asking girls questions like this”

“I’m not here to help you with your jollies.”

“Well sorry”

 

..Is he really, though?

 

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My Spirit Animal

13 Sep

A few days ago, I received a comment from a reader suggesting that I share some good online dating stories here as well, so that my fellow females can not totally lose hope in online dating.  I knocked him down by saying I don’t and won’t do that, mainly because those interactions are boring.

Naturally, only two short days later, I had a good online dating interaction that I found blog-worthy.    (And – double shock –  It’s from TINDER!)

“What would you say your spirit animal is?”

“I would have to go with a penguin.”   

(I went with a penguin because I feel if I were to be an animal, I’d probably be a penguin.   After further research on the matter, according to my birth date and year, apparently my spirit animal is an aardvark – for any of you collecting Fun Cat Lady Facts.)

“Bluegill sunfish here.”

“Nice!  Wait..  I think that means my spirit animal would eat your spirit animal..”

“How could I convince you to spare my life?”

“You’re in luck, I’m not a big fan of seafood.”

“Haha!  What a relief!”

 

The only real downside to this interaction was that I think he was merely just visiting my area, as Tinder now shows him as quite far away.

See ladies, not all the guys online dating are weirdos.  (However, if you’ve been online dating, you probably already knew that.)

 

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Too Much Information

10 Sep

“well hi, name my is [Name}, you are absolutely beautiful . I am 30, going back to school for Networking Administration, adding to my 4 year degree public health degree, I graduated from [College] in [City}, in 2007 working at [Place] and [Place] at the moment, and i own my own townhouse in [City], i would love to chat with you and learn more about you 🙂
things i like, star trek, cuddling, pizza, computers.
what about you?
i hope to hear from you
[Name]”

When your FIRST form letter doesn’t get a response.. Wait a few days and send the new and improved,  EXTENDED version  (my favorite parts are underlined):

“Well hi, My name is [Name], you are absolutely beautiful . I am 30, going back to school for Networking Administration about half done, adding to my 4 year public health degree, I graduated from [College] in [City] in 2007 working at [Place] and [Totally Different Place Than Last Form Letter] at the moment, and i own my own townhouse in [City], i would love to chat with you and learn more about you 🙂
things i like, star trek, cuddling, pizza, computers, intelligent conversation
i am not looking for a one night thing, unlike it seems most guys out there, i never enjoyed that, nor have i ever done that. i am trying to overcome the large stigma of online dating “guys”… so i am being open and honest. I am interested in your heart and your mind. Those are the things that matter…
tell me more about yourself, i am a chatterbug and love a good stimulating conversation 🙂 try me 🙂
a little more about me 🙂
I was born an extreme premature, 24 week… i was 1.3 pounds. 1% survival chance, eye and lunch damage due to the high O2 environment of the forced respiration. Got my name in the NICU neonatal intensive care unit, the nurses called me [Name plus biblical story], thus i always had [animals] as a baby, stuffed animals and such. in and out of the hospital for about 3 years. started kindergarten at 6 instead of 5. i am an only child… grew up in [cities listed] area. my mom and dad got divorced when i was about 3. graduated from high school in 2003. then when to [College] in [city], from 2003-2007. dated emily for almost 2 years. graduated with a public health degree in dec 2007. lived at home after college, started dating holly from late 2008 to mid 2012…. bought my townhouse in [city] for $37,500 in late 2011. started dating sarah from late 2012 to march 2014… started back to school for networking administration in january 2014… now starting my second semester, very excited, loving school 🙂
so thats me in VERY small nutshell  (that’s what she said?)  🙂 i hope that wasnt too long lol and that it was somewhat interesting to read
i hope to hear from you
[Name]”

Underlined is what I consider far too much information.  Why would you give your dating history in a “first” message?!    And that is allegedly only a small nugget of information?   I’m already bored and we haven’t gone out!

..He did get a good deal on his town home though..

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