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Save the Whales

4 Apr

I hate it when someone sends a first online dating message with a yes or no question.  So much so, that I rarely respond.  However, I was curious to see where he was going with this:

“Do you like whales?”

“Sure.”

“Wanna humpback at your place then?”

I’ll give him a point for cleverness, even though I doubt it was an original.  But, of course, my answer was:

“Oh.. No, thank you.  I doubt you have a large enough harpoon for such things.”

He either was going for reaction, or hates that I am funnier than he is.  Our interaction stopped completely after that.

I promise there are normal people online dating too,  they are just no fun to write about.

I Poked the Baby Bear!

9 Mar

I find it hilarious when guys clearly in high school are on Tinder posing as 27 years old and up.   They’ve got their senior picture up,  a prom pic, sports pics and sometimes even a picture of themselves in their letter jacket.

I mutually matched with one (as I am currently swiping right for everyone).. and couldn’t help myself:

“Hahaha!!!  You’re not 28!”

“That’s correct haha idk how to change it”

“You have to change your age on Facebook to your actual age.”

“Fuck, well that’s way too much work lol.”   

“Why are you on here?  What are you looking for?”

“Sex.”

“You are very clearly in high school.. No one my age is going to believe that you are over the age of 18, let alone sleep with you.”

“Jeesuz fucking Christ lady I’m not in high school those pictures are old I don’t go on fb often and I have a much better chance than you do fat ass damn, told you I’m on here for sex not to bullshit and you act like everyone on here is your age fuckin dumbass.”

(Nice period at the end of that run on sentence, Buddy!)

“Haha!  Better chance.  That’s  funny.  You’re adorable.  Good luck!”

“Just made plans to fuck a 22 year old on my way as we speak.  Lose weight and you won’t need tinder, guys are shallow.”

“I don’t need Tinder now, but thanks for your input.  Be sure to let the 22 year old know she’s probably going to jail.”

“You’re fucking retarded I’M IN COLLEGE”  (I would love to read the essay that got him accepted..)

“College guys wouldn’t be worked up over what a 29 year old ‘old bag’ is saying..”

And crickets..  Hahahaha!   I guess he’s acting like he’s in college now?

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Gotta Love Tinder

28 Feb

After swiping left on the guy who was probably the love of my life,  I got to have this fun Tinder conversation instead:

“So what are you looking for on here?”

“I set no expectations, and plan to be surprised.”

“So a friend with benefits could potentially be alright?  Just being forward.  That’s what I’m looking for.”

“Sorry.. that won’t be happening.”

“Not even if we were the last two left on earth?”

“I like to keep it classy and don’t do casual sexual relationships.. So, in that case – Correct, even if we were the last two people on Earth.”

“What if I have the best oral skills west of the Mississippi?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“You’re missing out.”

“Are you sure?  If we were the last two people alive, you’d also have the *worst* oral skills west of the Mississippi..”

“I have to disagree.  I would be setting the bar.  There just wouldn’t be anyone that could raise it.”

“Yet, it’d still be the lowest bar.”

“And the highest.  So at that point I would just be average, not the best.”

“Okay, good.  So I’m not missing out then.”

“Yea, you definitely got me there.  Good work”

See – all you have to do is outsmart ’em.   And hope that the love of your life that you accidentally rejected finds another way to meet you.

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John Mellencamp

25 Feb

Yes.. Another brilliant first online dating message:

“What do you look for in a lover?”

“I need a lover that won’t drive me crazy.. (Repeat.)”

“Sound almost like a song.”

Ya know.. Almost.

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Rock Hudson

1 Feb

I came across a profile today that made me laugh a little louder than most profiles do:

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

Why do people have to be so dam judgemental about everthig just cause i dont look like rock hudson dont mean i wouldnt be an awesome guy all you ladies that think that way can scuk it

I can feel it deep in my soul that this man is definitely not bitter.    But I do have a question… When was the last time Rock Hudson was relevant?  The only reason why I even know the name is because I love me some “Grease” and one of the songs references him.  (“Even Rock Hudson lost his heart to Doris Day-ay-ay.”)

If you aren’t sold on this guy yet – let me be the first to tell you that he is really good at crocheting hats and scarves.

Oh!  And “You should message me if:”

You like a kind caring loving man who likes sex to much and will treat you with the utmost respect and write poems about you

Maybe I should see what kind of poem he comes up with about me..  or maybe I’ll just “scuk it.”

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An Online Dating Christmas Tale

26 Dec

Cat Lady and Crazy:

like Tequila and lime

(and I warn in advance that

this will be in rhyme)

 

Hope your Christmas was jolly

Now go grab a beer

As you read with delight

a tale of great “cheer.”

 

So….

 

Twas the evening of Christmas

as I sat all alone

No one to snuggle

No sweetheart to phone

 

No boyfriend from Santa

which was this year’s wish

Not even a message

on Plenty of Fish.

 

So I sat on the couch

to watch some T.V.

And wished for that boy

who was meant just for me.

 

“Oh well, that’s okay,

for I’m doing just fine.”

I said to myself

as I sipped on my wine.

 

But Hark!  What is this?

A message on ‘Cupid!

I thought to myself,

“Tis bound to be stupid!”

 

I wondered “Why me?”

Said “Your eyes played a factor.”

I thanked him.  He offered

“Want to ride on my tractor?”

 

I am fine alone

To me it doesn’t matter

Another year gone..

At least I’m not fatter!

 

Oh boy!  A new message!

How high I must rank!

But alas, he compared me

to a fruit he would spank.

 

I checked out my Quiver

One seemed quite the catch

But my name to his markings

was nary a match.

 

Oh boyfriend, come quick

For my loins be an itchin’

Okay – I’m just kidding

but ain’t these rhymes bitchin’?

 

Then Tinder did ping

as I swiped right my thumb

Twas a gentleman caller

looking for a three-some.

 

And then came a message

with atrocious grammar

I knew right away:

A Nigerian scammer.

 

Online dating is sketchy

and a pain in my ass!

But here’s to 2014

Let us all raise a glass!

 

So friends of my blog

Come back for the fun

And I wish you good luck

in your quest for “The One!”

 

(If you need some more rhymes

cuz face it – they’re bomb.

Check out my inspiration

at nerdtinkerer.com!)

Someone Seems Indecisive on Cats.

17 Dec

This “You Should Message Me If..”  made me laugh..   and also worries me slightly:

“…you don’t have a pic of your cat on your profile and it’s referred to as your “baby”. Cats are creepy, regardless of the type of sweater you dress them in. FYI, your cat actually hates you. It only barely likes you because you feed it and clean its poop box. The only exception is if you have a cat that sniffs out bombs at the airport, cancer in a hospital or survivors of a building collapse. If your cat helps the blind and disabled, then that’s ok too and please feel free to message me. Especially if you have one of those super rare herding cats. There’s nothing like watching a cat work a herd of cattle.”

I wonder how he really feels..

God’s Gift to Driving

9 Nov

I know online dating can be frustrating.  I have a lot of gentlemen telling me that they are tired of it because they don’t get messages, or responses.  I hear ya.  Mr. ADude and I discussed on our podcast last week that one should really have zero expectations when it comes to online dating –  and that you get out of it what you put into it.  (That’s what she said..)

We’ve talked before about reasons girls don’t respond to your messages.  I am still a firm believer that no one online owes you anything, and really – online dating is just one way of holding up a big neon “I’m Single!” sign.   (I would kill for one of those in real life.)

But.. sometimes you aren’t getting messages or responses because your profile says something like this:

“I’m Really Good At:

..I am also very good at honking, yes it likely if you see a green grand Cherokee and there is a strange honk sound coming form it, then it is me.  I have a 2-2.5 hr commute daily.  if you text and drive next to me, I will honk at you.  If you are drifting, swerving around, or clearly have no idea how to drive.  I will honk at you.  if you don’t go at a green light, honk.  slow turner – meaning you come to a complete or near complete stop to take a right or left hand turn when there is no oncoming traffic – I will honk.  Driving is an awareness mandatory activity and I can not begin to tell you how often I am cut off, near hit or put in a rather precarious situation. No I don’t have road rage, I honk as a form of positive or negative reinforcement.  Making drivers better since 2012.”

Oh.

My.

God.

I’m sorry Grand Cherokee owner, but that annoys the shit out of me.   Are you fucking serious?

1)  Your grammar is atrocious.

2) Remind me to NEVER get into a car with you.  If that many people are near killing you on a daily basis… maybe it’s YOU.  (Also, if you have time to honk, you have time to stop.  Get over yourself.)

3)  You also honk for POSITIVE reinforcement?!  This *might* be okay if you have a custom car horn that beeps out “Nice work!” or a happy little song.. but I’m quite certain your Cherokee doesn’t have that.

4) Maybe.. just maybe.. you should move closer to where you work.  Or take public transportation.

5)  Yes, you DO have road rage.

6) “Making Drivers Better Since 2012” –  …did you just start driving?   Additionally,  I guarantee you that 95% of the people you honk at have no idea whatsoever why you are honking at them.   The other 5% don’t give a shit.  You aren’t making anyone better, you are only making yourself worse.

Welcome to my Friday night, folks.   Sigh.. I need a boyfriend.

Barbecue Sauce

21 Oct

I know I constantly joke about my imaginary cats, and becoming a real-life cat lady someday.  Those of you that have followed my antics for awhile most likely understand that I don’t actually believe that.  Well – maybe until today.   I am pretty sure today is a new-time low.

It started a few days ago when I was drunkenly sending out “You’re cute!” messages on OKCupid.   This is something I do not advise doing, because you don’t get responses to messages like that.   I happened to get one response because the next morning I had sent out follow-up messages with depth to them.  (Mostly in hopes to just throw out there “Sorry!”  and “I’m not really crazy.”)

So – considerably cute guy number 8 had responded to my message, and we had several messages back and forth.  He seemed to be someone that I might meet up with.   I haven’t met anyone off the interwebs in a while, so I was getting a little excited about it.. which brings me to this morning.

He had sent a message asking about the weekend, and what not, and mentioned he was cooking some chicken.  I told him I was jealous and he said he’d be happy to mail me some barbecue chicken — and “What could go wrong?”  My response was that what could go wrong is that I am not really a fan of barbecue sauce.  (Of course, in reality, there are other technicalities as well.)

My dislike* for barbecue sauce was a deal-breaker.   I thought he was joking when his next message said that he didn’t think it was going to work out between us.. but, after a little digging –  sure enough.

Yep – I am going to die alone with cats.

 

*I don’t actually dislike barbecue sauce, and this was explained.  I have a certain brand I like, and if I’m going to eat it – I prefer it on meatballs.    I feel BBQ sauce ruins chicken and pork.  (So – you can all stop reading my blog now since I am a menace to society.)

 

More Fun with Tinder

6 Oct

Although at this point, I certainly wouldn’t give it my endorsement for “Awesome way to get dates” – Tinder is a lot of fun, and I’ve come to expect pretty shady messages on there.

When I was visiting with some Twitter friends in the city that never sleeps, I decided to like everyone on Tinder.   Weeks later, I am still getting random “mutual matches” from the East Coast.

My favorite this week:

“A threesome you say??  I mean, you do seem nice enough, but awfully forward..”

I think you know me well enough by now that I really don’t think highly of people looking specifically for booty on dating websites or apps..  But, I also know that this guy has probably sent out this same message a hundred times before, and probably gets ignored or bitched at a lot.  And, certainly he isn’t likely to change his ways after getting a screen-ful from me.

“I apologize for being so forward.. Matt and Joe would really appreciate a third, though..”

“Haha. Best response ever!”

I’ve decided that whenever possible, I am going to just try to out-do the weirdos.   Tehehehe.  And, that was all I have heard from my Tinder friend..   I suppose the distance probably has the most to do with it, but I am going to make it my executive decision that I was just too funny for him.

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