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Can’t Win For Losing

14 Sep

i quit

I think we all know by now that I take online dating with a grain of salt, and I certainly believe you should do the same.  Don’t set any expectations, and therefore you won’t be disappointed.

As all my single friends know, Tinder is an interesting beast (and seriously, don’t pay for it!)  in that most people you match with on Tinder never send a message.  What is that about?!  I’ve indirectly told you I find you nice to look at- you have nothing to lose!

About a week ago, I matched with a really attractive guy – and he sent a message!

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Tasty Pussy

8 Jul

photolibrary_rm_photo_of_cat_licking_chops

I feel bad for any future sons that I may have.  I’m pretty sure “Mama CatLady” is going to sit down with them after high school graduation and discuss what is appropriate and not appropriate to discuss with complete strangers.  I think it’s safe to assume that this 27 year old’s mother (and many other mothers out there..) never did that:

“I bet you have a tasty pussy.”

There were oh-so many places I could go with this..

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I Don’t Want to Brag..

6 Jul

“Helloo,

my name is David. im living in memomenie.  (I’m pretty sure that’s not what it’s called..)

well i have read your profile and watch your photos. (Oh geez, David!  I hope it didn’t take you too long to watch them.  They don’t move, or anything.)

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Play By The Tinder Rules

23 Mar

Tinder Match!Apparently there are Tinder rules that I have not been following..

“Hey CatLady, we matched.  What do we do now?  I think we are supposed to hook up?”

“I thought we were supposed to get married.”

“Let’s fuck first.”

Classy..

“Nah.”

“This is a hookup site you know??”

“Actually, it’s a dating app.  And – even if you were accurate, that doesn’t mean I’m required to hook up with you.”

“It actually is a requirement that you hookup.”

Damn.. Makes me regret swiping right for EVERYONE. — I did contemplate telling him that I am one of the founders of Tinder, and that he is incorrect.. but decided against it.

“Oh.. Well, you’ll have to wait in line then.  You’re number 2549.”

“You are not following the rules, please hookup with me?”

“If you’re still semi-attractive in 7 years after I’ve hooked up with those ahead of you, I’ll let you know.”

“I’m reporting you”

“Okay.”

So, sounds like I’m gonna be busy for the next 7 years..  Or be a rebellious rule-breaker.

Sometimes You Need to Fight Fire With Fire

22 Mar

bridezilla-wedding-stress

I apologize that this is a long one, (That’s what he said.)   but after reading it aloud to some friends,  I am convinced it needs to be shared.  I am not normally in the market to mess with people..  but, sometimes you need to fight crazy with crazier… You’ll see.

This is easily one of my top ten posts on this blog, if not top five.  You’d really be doing yourself a disservice if you don’t click to read more!

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My Eyes Are Bleeding

22 Mar

It’s safe to presume that I find this opening online dating message I received to be a bit graphic.  I’ve been online dating for almost 4 years now, and I am still floored by what people think is okay to send to a complete stranger.

“Hi I just signed up today (well resigned up)  I’ll be honest It has been a few months since my last encounter.  I do like to start out giving oral if you are in to that and fingering.  I like to try getting my partner an orgasm be for the real deal. (How considerate..)  this can take about 10-20min depending on were your “G” spot s and how sensitive you are.  (Apparently I got a message from God’s gift to women.) Let me know if you are interested or not.  I wold like some common curtsy (…) as a message back even if you are not interested. I f  you do reply back with a no, I will not push the subject. :D”

Who wrote this for you?  A seven year old?  Good Lord.

I certainly don’t believe people who send this sort of message deserve any “common curtsy”, I really wanted to indicate that his message was not appreciated.

“And now my eyes are bleeding.. Thank you for the sexual assault.  Have a nice life.”

He must have sent his form letter to a bunch of ladies, as it appears as though he was reported and removed from the website.  I would bet the majority of females out there don’t appreciate being treated like a piece of meat.  Keep that in mind, fellas.

 

Common Curtsy

Threesomes

9 Feb

More from the files of “Online Dating is so damn difficult for normal people because idiots have flooded the market.”

“Hey can i ask your opinion on something”

“Okay.”

“I know this is random. Please take no offense and no im not asking for one.  What is your opinion on threesomes”

Yes, that is a random question, 20 year old boy from Georgia.  Why are you bothering me?  This better be for a school project.

“Personally, I am against them.”

“Jealous type?  Lol”

“No.  Are you done?”

“I reckom..”

For anyone out there trying to legitimately online date, I’m sorry that boys like this give the rest of you a bad name.

Arghghghghgghgghghgh!!

Was I Just Compared to Batman?

27 Jan

What a suave form letter:

“Not gonna lie.You’re a beautiful, young woman and obviously you’ve accomplished a lot in your short life. (I find this especially funny as he is younger than me..)  But there’s also something accessible and human that comes through.  It’s like:  even Batman takes shits.  I would love to chat with you.  Please, let me know if you want to or not. :)”

Did he just basically tell me that I am Batman.. and make reference to pooping?

School-Girl Fantasy Much?

24 Jan

“do you have any knee high socks”

I can only imagine that this “suitor” has some sort of school-girl fantasy that he wishes to fulfill.   Or, perhaps his junk is just too big for regular socks..

“Yes, I do.  Do you need to borrow them?”

I have it on OKCupid’s authority that he read this message.. but then he deactivated his account.

What’s the score now?  CatLady – 510,  Douchebags – 0?

Huh??

22 Jan

“Hi pretty lady….And funny too. Lol. I think I’m in love allready2 for you or me at least I got to read your bio . I would.  Will write to you more.  Soon if you want me to…… I want to too. Lol. Have a great day ok. ..”

I guess I’ll wait for him to write again..