Tag Archives: don’ts for dudes

Play By The Tinder Rules

23 Mar

Tinder Match!Apparently there are Tinder rules that I have not been following..

“Hey CatLady, we matched.  What do we do now?  I think we are supposed to hook up?”

“I thought we were supposed to get married.”

“Let’s fuck first.”

Classy..

“Nah.”

“This is a hookup site you know??”

“Actually, it’s a dating app.  And – even if you were accurate, that doesn’t mean I’m required to hook up with you.”

“It actually is a requirement that you hookup.”

Damn.. Makes me regret swiping right for EVERYONE. — I did contemplate telling him that I am one of the founders of Tinder, and that he is incorrect.. but decided against it.

“Oh.. Well, you’ll have to wait in line then.  You’re number 2549.”

“You are not following the rules, please hookup with me?”

“If you’re still semi-attractive in 7 years after I’ve hooked up with those ahead of you, I’ll let you know.”

“I’m reporting you”

“Okay.”

So, sounds like I’m gonna be busy for the next 7 years..  Or be a rebellious rule-breaker.

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My Eyes Are Bleeding

22 Mar

It’s safe to presume that I find this opening online dating message I received to be a bit graphic.  I’ve been online dating for almost 4 years now, and I am still floored by what people think is okay to send to a complete stranger.

“Hi I just signed up today (well resigned up)  I’ll be honest It has been a few months since my last encounter.  I do like to start out giving oral if you are in to that and fingering.  I like to try getting my partner an orgasm be for the real deal. (How considerate..)  this can take about 10-20min depending on were your “G” spot s and how sensitive you are.  (Apparently I got a message from God’s gift to women.) Let me know if you are interested or not.  I wold like some common curtsy (…) as a message back even if you are not interested. I f  you do reply back with a no, I will not push the subject. :D”

Who wrote this for you?  A seven year old?  Good Lord.

I certainly don’t believe people who send this sort of message deserve any “common curtsy”, I really wanted to indicate that his message was not appreciated.

“And now my eyes are bleeding.. Thank you for the sexual assault.  Have a nice life.”

He must have sent his form letter to a bunch of ladies, as it appears as though he was reported and removed from the website.  I would bet the majority of females out there don’t appreciate being treated like a piece of meat.  Keep that in mind, fellas.

 

Common Curtsy

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Threesomes

9 Feb

More from the files of “Online Dating is so damn difficult for normal people because idiots have flooded the market.”

“Hey can i ask your opinion on something”

“Okay.”

“I know this is random. Please take no offense and no im not asking for one.  What is your opinion on threesomes”

Yes, that is a random question, 20 year old boy from Georgia.  Why are you bothering me?  This better be for a school project.

“Personally, I am against them.”

“Jealous type?  Lol”

“No.  Are you done?”

“I reckom..”

For anyone out there trying to legitimately online date, I’m sorry that boys like this give the rest of you a bad name.

Arghghghghgghgghghgh!!

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Was I Just Compared to Batman?

27 Jan

What a suave form letter:

“Not gonna lie.You’re a beautiful, young woman and obviously you’ve accomplished a lot in your short life. (I find this especially funny as he is younger than me..)  But there’s also something accessible and human that comes through.  It’s like:  even Batman takes shits.  I would love to chat with you.  Please, let me know if you want to or not. :)”

Did he just basically tell me that I am Batman.. and make reference to pooping?

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School-Girl Fantasy Much?

24 Jan

“do you have any knee high socks”

I can only imagine that this “suitor” has some sort of school-girl fantasy that he wishes to fulfill.   Or, perhaps his junk is just too big for regular socks..

“Yes, I do.  Do you need to borrow them?”

I have it on OKCupid’s authority that he read this message.. but then he deactivated his account.

What’s the score now?  CatLady – 510,  Douchebags – 0?

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Huh??

22 Jan

“Hi pretty lady….And funny too. Lol. I think I’m in love allready2 for you or me at least I got to read your bio . I would.  Will write to you more.  Soon if you want me to…… I want to too. Lol. Have a great day ok. ..”

I guess I’ll wait for him to write again..

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I Don’t Share.

13 Jan

Full Disclosure:  This blog post is likely going to offend someone out there.  If that’s you, and you want to clarify/discuss/yell at me –  It’s pretty easy to get in contact with me.

The other day, I came across a guy online dating who I really liked.  He was charming, witty and adorable.  We discussed boring first dates that we are both fed up with, our jobs and the first things we’d do when we win the lottery. Half way into our hour long discussion, he suggested that we meet up at some point and I was quick to agree that I was up for that.

We continued chatting, and I asked him how he could possibly be this amazing and single, besides?  Maybe I wouldn’t die alone with cats after all.

“Well.. I’m not exactly single.”

Continue reading →

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Plan B? More like Plan Fail.

1 Jan

“Plan b?”

“Lol. What?”

“Haha OK nmv..how’s your night going”

“No no no.  You explain yourself.”  (I was curious to see how he plan-b’d to dig himself out of this..)

“Aight” (and then he listed his telephone number.)

“No.”

“Ok I’ll try to explain.. it was a joke plan b is the morning after pill..”

“Yes, I am aware of that.”

“It was a joke proposition..”  (Duh.)

“Charming.”

“Well now that were past that hows your night going”

“I don’t know.. Some guy just used Plan B as a joke to attempt to pick me up or something.”

“That guy sounds like a douche I hope you told him to beat it”

….Happy New Year, I guess.

 

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I Have No Time For You.

3 Dec

“Hi

I am going to be very honest.

I am doing a crazy finance internship at the moment, so i don’t have the time to go on dates  (or capitalize all of my ‘I’s), but I am attracted to you.

I love seeing a woman orgasm, and I want to see it on your face.  It makes me feel great and it is just really beautiful.

I know women need more time to get turn on than men do, so I am sorry i don’t have more of my time to give you. 

I love and respect women (do you?!) and I don’t judge them for enjoying sex as much or more than men. (My goodness, how kind!)

If you ever want my company just text me.  (Okay.. number?) I know there is a time each month when you cannot stop thinking about your need to be filled, and wished you had an attractive man to take care of you. (This guy= MIND READER.)  We can meet at your place, talk and flirt for some time and then have sex or not, depending on how you feel.  If you want to jump me right away I will still make you wait, that’s just more exciting for me. (But you love and respect women?)  We can also meet near your place to talk first if that makes you more comfortable.  (Ah.. there’s that respect he was talking about!)

If the chemistry between us is good and you want to see me again or get into a relationship, I am very open to the idea.  (“Keep in mind, I have no time for this.”??)  The more I get to know and like a girl, the more I enjoy making love to her and giving her orgasms.

Finally, you have no reason to be shy about the whole thing.  You are really not the first girl who wants to meet me after this message 🙂 (I’ll bet you twenty dollars on that one, my friend..)“

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Sexual UserNames

27 Nov

I think we need to start a new online dating rule:   If your user name is something disgusting – you aren’t allowed to get mad if you get called out on it.

I’m not going to tell you what his username was, but I’d love to hear your guesses in the comments!

“if you are even half as sweet as you are gorgeous i would feel lucky to get to know you and go out with you”

“Aww.. Well, this may indicate my sweetness level:  I’m pretty disturbed by your user name.”

“I’m way more than a name”

“Right.  But you likely chose the name, which is the questionable part.”

“I did. and I’m not ashamed of it at all.”

“I wasn’t suggesting you had to be.  I’m just saying I’m disturbed by it.”

“Lmao that’s too fucking funny. You are so pathetic.  grow up lil kid”

“Now I’m too sweet.. go figure.”

“Every woman claims they are disturbed by it. But I’m sure its not disturbing when your cumming all over a guys face”

“Hmm.. I guess I wouldn’t know.”

“Really.  Is it something you don’t wanna try?  Obviously its ok if that’s the case.  just wondering.”

“It doesn’t sound appealing, but that’s probably because I’m a ‘lil kid’.”

“I was an asshole to say that.”

Kudos to him for trying to right the wrong, I guess.  Seriously, though, guys:  You don’t need to use something sexual as your user name, and you shouldn’t! Or at least if you do – be understanding that maybe not everyone is into the same kink you are.

Anyone have any cats to send me?

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