And The Oscar Goes To..

19 Apr

This form letter/dating cover letter made me laugh:

“Hi I hope your having a good and blessed week and enjoying this awesome weather  , I’m glad we upgraded on the weather.  It about time lol and I like your profile, it defiantly deserve a oscar lol and also you look amazing in your photos. I’m [Name] by the way :)”

Other than defiantly deserving “a” oscar, this makes me laugh because this “upgrade on the weather” he speaks of?  – 14 inches of snow.  Upgraded..  Ha!

How NOT to Win a Girlfriend

17 Apr

I am quite certain that this individual may be single for life:

“Hi. I’m usually not into rubenesque women, nor have I gone steady with a Lutheran, so I would like o say hi; since you’re pretty hot.”

“What?”

(The dictionary tells me that Rubenesque means:  plump or rounded in a pleasing or attractive way.   …Thanks, I guess?)

“Hi.  Thanks for the unusually fast reply. It was very fast. I take it from your response that it’s already late in the night and you’ve got your beer goggles set to stun, not that you need it, so I guess if you could just ad me to your booty call list, and/or rebound list; then I would be happy to get with you at your house at some future time to work on the plumbing or other issues.  I could even order gourmet neopolitan pizza if you so wished or such. Well, thank you for your time and good luck.”

….What?!

Interesting approach.. I would not recommend trying this one at home.

Are Men Complimented Enough?

13 Apr

Last week on the podcast, I briefly mentioned this article that I had found on my Facebook news feed.   I ask that you read it as homework for our follow up podcast on the matter.

If you are lazy – I shall summarize:  This is seemingly written by a man, who claims that guys don’t have it as easy as us gals think.  Imagine a world where you are never gawked at, complimented, etc. when the media tells you that you are ugly.  Apparently, that’s the experience of life for the man-folk.

The article also suggests “Tell a moderately attractive man that he’s attractive tomorrow in whatever way feels appropriate to you. It’s likely it’ll be the first time he’s heard it from a woman with whom he’s not in a relationship in a long while, possibly ever.”

I don’t want to tell you my thoughts on this article, because on Wednesday night (10PM Eastern, 9PM Central) we will be discussing this on the podcast. But –  I want to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Additionally, LADIES..  Regardless of your thoughts on this article,  I’d ask a favor that you do as the article suggests at least once, and let me know how it went.   I have done so since the last podcast at least once a day, and will continue to do so until Wednesday.  (Oh, and are there ever some fun stories already with that experiment..)

Save the Whales

4 Apr

I hate it when someone sends a first online dating message with a yes or no question.  So much so, that I rarely respond.  However, I was curious to see where he was going with this:

“Do you like whales?”

“Sure.”

“Wanna humpback at your place then?”

I’ll give him a point for cleverness, even though I doubt it was an original.  But, of course, my answer was:

“Oh.. No, thank you.  I doubt you have a large enough harpoon for such things.”

He either was going for reaction, or hates that I am funnier than he is.  Our interaction stopped completely after that.

I promise there are normal people online dating too,  they are just no fun to write about.

What’s a Sloppy Toppy?

28 Mar

And, of course, more fun in online dating:

“Give that sloppy toppy?”

I have no idea what sloppy toppy means.. I have a feeling I should probably be offended, but I am not sure why.

“What?”

“hey do you live on a chicken farm by chance”

He didn’t answer my question, but I’m invested at this point to at least see what on earth he’s going to say.   I figured most girls probably tell him no, considering we’re in a non-farm area..

“Yes.”

“Oh bc u sure know how to raise a cock”

Ba dum bum.

 

Uffdah – Dontcha Know?

25 Mar

This last week has been a whirlwind.

Sometimes life throws just the most awesome and terrifying lemons at you.

Last Monday, a long-time fan of my blog who happens to know the area in which I reside, suggested on Twitter that I date Ben, a local radio host.  Why?  - I will never know.   I joked back about being nearby (I will not confirm or deny that I may commonly be within walking distance of said radio studio), and the co-host of the show started interacting with me, agreeing that I should meet Ben.  I laughed it off and went about my day, brushing it off.

The next morning,  I woke up to a message from the co-host:

“Can I meet you today?”  (And he specified a location, but not important to the story..)

“Sure.. I’ll be the one with 7 cats.”

“I’ll be the guy with my face.”

I can count on one hand how many times I have been legitimately nervous in my entire life.   I’ve added a finger in the last week.   I don’t have a solid reason why I was nervous, I’ve met plenty of near-strangers before.  I think it was more because I had no idea why a local radio host would want to meet me.

I went to the specified place at the specified time, and met Jack.  He told me about their morning show, and essentially asked me what I thought about coming on the show and talking about my blog.   While part of me inside screamed “HECK YES!” (I mean, my “About Me” says I’m up for radio spots..) another part of me became sick to my stomach.   Doing this would mean giving up a little piece of my anonymity (location, specifically) – and would require me to present my blog to people in my life that I know listen to that station.

The cat’s out of the bag –  I’m in the Minneapolis/St. Paul Twin Cities metro. (Dontcha know?)

Friday morning,  I presented my 5 “Don’t for Dudes” on Up And At ‘Em with Jack and Ben, with a surprise ending.  (I may or may not be asked out.. you’ll have to listen to find out.. and listen this upcoming Friday to hear how it went!)

I think sometimes nerves are a sign that something big is going to happen.  Maybe not.. but if nothing else,  it’s a great story to add to the collection.

Sometimes, instead of throwing life’s lemons back, you need to attempt to put some vodka in those suckers.  Take a chance — Life’s much more fun that way.

Sometimes You Need to Fight Fire With Fire

16 Mar

I apologize that this is a long one, (That’s what he said.)   but after reading it aloud to some friends,  I am convinced it needs to be shared.  I am not normally in the market to mess with people..  but, sometimes you need to fight crazy with crazier… You’ll see:

“Hi there beautiful blue eyed girl xoxo :) I really would LOVE to get to know you!  You’re super cute and you seem very nice, smart and friendly as well :) So tell me, what exactly are you looking for on this website?”

Now,  I normally don’t respond to something that could have easily been copied and pasted..  and for the record, I didn’t really find this guy attractive, but I am trying to be a little more lenient on the matter, because online dating is a tough world out there..

“New friends to start, and if a relationship develops, then great.”

“I’m pretty much looking for the same thing as you are :)  That’s why I want you to know that I’m actually a very trustworthy/decent/respectful/sweet guy :) (Guys – for the zillionth time, if you have to tell someone you are these things.. you’re not.)  So you wouldn’t need to worry about me ever cheating on you or even having dull moments with me if you were to give me the amazing chance to start dating you :)  I’m sure we could learn tons from each other over time.  And I’m sorry if I’m coming on too strong with this message.  (Ya think!?) It’s just that this is only way that I have to communicate with girls and express my true feelings toward them.  Like I’m super shy (Wait.. what?) so I never approach/strike up conversations with any girl in public/social settings. So that’s why my life has always sucked in the love department. Like I literally lost my virginity when I was 25 and it was to my ex. And she was the one who hit on me so I basically just got lucky. (Pun intended?) This is also the reason why I allowed her to yell at me, belittle me and treat me like crap while she and I were together.  I just didn’t want to risk losing the whole girlfriend experience which was amazing! But anyways, I also want you to know that I do believe that if you and I started texting, that you will like me a lot more because I’m actually a very nice/friendly/funny guy. You would have to take a little bit of a leap of faith in me (understatement.) and trust that I’m actually someone worth spending your time getting to know better :)  So tell me, beautiful girl, how long have you been single/using this website for? xoxo :)

I elected not to respond to this, which I hope are for obvious reasons.   24 hours later, he wrote again:

“I personally have been single for 15 months now after having a bad break up with my ex on January, 2013. She was the one who hit on me so I was able to date her from January 2012 until January 2013 when I lived in [Omitted.]  I even asked her to marry me but she declined because she wanted a guy with a house, a car and a job.  So my ex didn’t like the fact that I was not financially independent but I kept telling her hat I could work after we got married because I would automatically become a US citizen (That is not how that works, pal.) but she didn’t want to take a risk with me and I ended up coming back to my home country in January of 2013.  6 months later I moved to [State Omitted] but as it turns out I didn’t like it over in [State Omitted] so that’s why I came back to [State Omitted] again a couple months ago.So right now I just wish I could find a gorgeous girl as attractive and sexy as yourself that would steal my heart and create new and wonderful experiences with me in the near future :) xoxo :) In other words, (Oh Buddy.. no other words are necessary..) I’m looking for a girl I can date and spend a lot of quality time with but if you’re just interested in being friends with me that would work for me too since I don’t know anyone here at the moment  :)”

Once again, for what I hope are obvious reasons, I did not respond to this.  (In fact, I didn’t even read it until later.)  The next day,  I got another message, more ridiculous than the last:

“I feel the need to come clean about something though :)  I want you to know that I would really love to date you!  You are by far the cutest blue eyed girl I have ever seen in my entire life and I’m sure you believe me because you’ve looked at yourself in the mirror countless of times :) xoxo You’re so cute that I would love to have a monogamous relationship with you! (Lucky me?)  Even though I’ve only had one girlfriend in my entire life, I still prefer monogamy all the way :)  Specially if I’m with a blue eyed girl as gorgeous looking, smart, social and honest as yourself :) And don’t worry about me being too inexperienced in the love department because I can honestly tell you that I would genuinely love to be in between your legs 24/7, eating you out, smelling you, licking you and drinking all your girly juice!  (*shudders* He makes it sound so romantic..) That’s how attractive you really are!  I would even go as far (wait for it..) as to stick my tongue in your butt hole and lick it hardcore too :)  As you can tell I’m a horn ball hehe :) Since I haven’t had much sex in my life due to my social shyness/anxiety (again.. what?) I am always in desperate need to have some girly private parts in my mouth :) Obviously if you gave me the chance to eat yours, you’d be extremely satisfied with my job because I’ll pretty much make a home in your private areas!  By the way, just because I said on my profile that I was shy when approaching/striking up conversations with girls, doesn’t mean that I’m shy in bed.  If anything, I’m actually an “extraordinarily amazing lover” because I’m in such a desperate need to taste and drink lots of girly juice. So when I’m finally able to get some, I’ll go for it with tremendous amounts of PASSION AND LUST!!!! :)  In other words, (again.. not necessary..) you’re actually going to LOOOOOOOVE having me in between your legs, smelling you, eating you out and licking your butt hole all at the same time xoxo :) So what do you say? Would you like to be my girlfriend? xoxo :)”

This pretty much rendered me speechless..  but, it was time to respond, and get him to stop messaging me.

“I don’t want to be just your girlfriend.  Let’s get married.”

“Hahahaha :) You’re too funny! But let’s do it :)  I would certainly get married to a girl as pretty as yourself :)  There’s no better way of waking up every day than having a gorgeous girl by your side every morning :)  So if you’re down for it, I am too hehe :)  I still believe we should get to know each other and hang out in real life first before we make any further decisions/plans xoxo :)”

“I don’t think that’s necessary.  I talked to my pastor and he can marry us tomorrow before church.”

“Are you serious?  Why would you want to marry someone you don’t even know?”  (Really, dude?)

“Of course I’m serious.  If you are serious about licking my butt hole, I need it to be okay with Jesus.  And that’s if we get married.   I booked us for 9AM.”

“Sorry but I’m not marrying you tomorrow.  I need to hang out with you first and see if you and I get along pretty well.  I’m definitely OK with licking your butt hole and eating your female privates, but I’m just not OK with marrying someone I haven’t even met in real life”   (What?  No xoxo?)

“You are weird.”

I gave him a little while before writing again:

“I just talked to Pastor.  He wants to meet you first anyway.  So we should go to church at 11AM, and he said if all goes well, he can marry us at 2PM.  Does that work for you?”

“The only reason why I’d like to give you oral pleasure aside form the fact that you’re pretty is because I’m very lonely, horny, depressed and miserable all the time.  (Aha!  Truth comes out..) So it would be completely wrong for you to assume that I’m some kind of perve.  I’m just sexually frustrated/starved that’s all.  Just to give you an example of how pathetic my love life really is, I went to the mall last weekend and it made me extremely sad noticing how many beautiful girls were holding hands with guys that looked pretty young and imature for them.  I honestly don’t know why there is not a single girl out there willing to date me!  (..I have some ideas..)  It really sucks and this is the very reason why I’m so sexually frustrated.  I also have this washed up roommate who is a total druggy/alcoholic douchebag that still manages to bring 3 different girls to his room at least twice a week each.  Meanwhile, I find the need to use these stupid websites that are really worthless because I really haven’t met anyone in real life from here yet.  So I have no clue why life has to be so freaking unfair. :(“

“I found a GORGEOUS dress!!!!!!!  So does church at 11AM work for you tomorrow and then if you like me, you can see the dress at 2?”

I think I broke him at that point..  I didn’t hear back.  So.. a few hours later:

“Pastor wants to know if you’re coming tomorrow?”

“No.”

“That’s really mean!!!!!  I spent all day preparing for tomorrow, and now you’re bailing!?”

“I said I wanted to meet you and hang out with you way before getting married to you”

“Pretty sure I have a screen shot that says otherwise.”

“You’re literally insane.”

“I think YOU’RE insane for wanting pre-martial butt lickage.”

He hasn’t responded, and I have no intent to bother him anymore.  But, hopefully this just helps prove my theory that nothing ever good (aside from blog-hilarity, of course) comes from sending or responding to a form letter.

 
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