Ask Me Anything

18 Aug

I had the following interaction with a 25 year old from California.  If you have been paying attention, you are aware that California is pretty far away from me.

“Hi there how are you this evening

My name is [Name]

Would you like to talk and get to know each other

Ask me anything you would like to know about me

You look absolutely gorgeous BTW :)”

 

“Okay.  Question 1.  How many chicken nuggets can you fit in your mouth at one time?”


“Five. You?”   

(Wow.. that’s not impressive at all…)

 

“I have never attempted this.

Question 2.  What are your thoughts on the death of Elvis Presley? (Minimum 50 words)”

 

He neglected to respond to that one.. So much for ask me anything.

So – what have we learned?    That it’s totally acceptable to ask one how many chicken nuggets they can fit in their mouth.. but it’s still too soon to bring up the loss of the King of Rock and Roll.

 

Dirty Old Man

5 Aug

I’ve grown to expect gross messages from young hornballs, but it still boggles my mind when someone who could easily be my father based on age sends something disgusting..   Aren’t we supposed to mature with age?

Please guys, strive not to be the dirty old pervert.

 

“Do you ever just want to get laid good for a day or two?”

“Aren’t you old enough to now better than to ask such a thing to a lady?”

For those of you that didn’t catch that – my response should have indicated that I wasn’t amused and the conversation shouldn’t continue.

“You look like a girl that would like a good wild fuck.”

I understand that not many of you know who I am, or what I look like – but I assure you, I don’t come across that way at all – online or in the real life.

“Well, Pops.. Looks can be deceiving.”

“You’re awfully picky for a fat girl”

Haha!  Bash in a male’s ego and regardless of age, he’ll try to offend you by calling you fat.

“But only one of us really has a shot at getting laid by a stranger from the internet.. And spoiler alert:  It’s not you.”

“It ain’t you either weirdo”

“Lucky for me, that’s not what I’m looking for.   Anything else you care to try to offend me with?”

“Look at you wash your face little [conservative/liberal] piglet”
(In reference to [conservative/liberal] — Pick your favorite – I’m not getting into it on here..  This blog is politically neutral.)

“Well, that’s probably the most offensive so far, as not one fat ounce of me is [conservative/liberal].   Have a good rest of your life, Sir.”

 

Gentlemen – if nothing else, learn how to respect the “fairer” sex.  You’ll have much better luck all around.

 

 

My Favorite Position

23 Jul

I was starting to think for awhile that my blog had finally worked, and the world was free of stupid online dating messages..  But, apparently the weirdos were just on hiatus.

“What’s your favorite position?”

I know what you’re thinking.. He couldn’t possibly be asking what it sounded like.

“Hmm..  Well, I enjoyed my time in management.”   (CatLady Fun Fact:  I used to work in management.)

“Lol”

I gave him a little bit of time to be more clever than that.. but, when I realized that wasn’t going to happen:

“Oh!  I’m sorry.  I think I misunderstood your question.  My REAL answer is:  It’s a tie between Quarterback and Tight End.”  

“Lmao!”

Might I please express my strong dislike for stupid responses such as “LOL” and “LMAO”?   am trying to have a conversation here.

“I’m glad you’re amused.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you”

 

Weird…  Anger Font strikes again.   Oh well.   Next!

 

 

 

Out-Witted

29 Jun

For those of you that got to hear my segment on Up And At “Em with Jack and Ben last week, you already know I received this as a first online dating message:

“Girl are you a tube of pillsbury cinnamon rolls because I want to bang you on the counter.”

I’ll give the guy this:  I laughed out loud..  loudly.

For those of you who I know are going to comment that I should date this guy…  I can’t.    The reasons are three-fold.

1)  He’s too young for me.

2)  He lives too far away.

and probably most importantly:

3)  He is way funnier than I am, and I am very distraught that I have been unable to craft an equally hilarious response.

 

 

 

Extremely Kinky

27 Jun

“Hey how’s it going?  Saw your profile and wanted to say hello and see if you felt like chatting at all.  If you want to feel free to message me back!  Also if you don’t mind me asking but what’s the most private thing you’ve done.  I mean that sexually.  I only want to know because I am an extremely kinky person.”

“How very kind of you to grant me permission to respond to you if I so desired!  You should be given a medal for your chivalry!  — If I shared with you the most private thing I have done sexually, I am afraid it wouldn’t be private anymore, and I just can’t have that.  But, I must comment on the rarity of your type.  A 22 year old male who considers himself kinky?!  Unheard of!”

“Thanks.  Well I’m extremely kinky.”

And perhaps extremely stupid, as well, as he proceeded to ask if I would do things to him with a strap-on.  (I’ll be the first to admit I’m probably not the kinkiest person on the planet… but.. is that really an “extremely kinky” request?   I mean, I’ve definitely had weirder requests.)

But, seriously, you guys..  I HAVE FOUND THE ONLY KINKY 22 YEAR OLD MALE ALIVE!   Do I get a prize?

Actually – I Have Seven.

23 Jun

“Pussy!”

“Did you just call me a pussy?”

“Just saying you have one and I bet it’s wonderful.”

 

I would challenge this individual to try this method of picking up girls in public, and to film said attempt for my viewing pleasure.    Or ladies, perhaps try the opposite by messaging, or approaching someone and yelling “DICK!”   Bet they wouldn’t be on the defense at all.

Shorthand Text

12 Jun

I get that when it comes to smart phones, texting and social media – shorthand can be helpful, and sometimes necessary.  But shortening up every word seems as though it would take a lot of work, is difficult to read, and makes you appear uneducated.

“u look to good”

“Thank you.”   (Why I bothered, I have no idea..)

“but i really need to get to no u

can u b my good looking friend”

“You also really need to learn how to spell.. No offense.”

“i no mhow to spell i just dont like textn words so i shortn umup”

You will not convince me for one second that it would have taken longer to actually write/type out these words.  If he was on a smartphone, which, if “sent from mobile” is any indication.. I am sure auto-correct was attempting to have a hay-day with this nonsense.

“so wats good wit u iam not about to act all proper to tlk to u”

What!?   Fellas –  you can’t tell a girl that you HAVE to get to “no” her, and then essentially tell her that you’re not going to play by her rules to do so.   Not that I ever said that he had to “act all proper” to talk to me, but if he’s going to make my brain hurt to interact with him – No thanks.

…He “doesn’t like to text words“…

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