School-Girl Fantasy Much?

24 Jan

“do you have any knee high socks”

I can only imagine that this “suitor” has some sort of school-girl fantasy that he wishes to fulfill.   Or, perhaps his junk is just too big for regular socks..

“Yes, I do.  Do you need to borrow them?”

I have it on OKCupid’s authority that he read this message.. but then he deactivated his account.

What’s the score now?  CatLady – 510,  Douchebags – 0?


22 Jan

“Hi pretty lady….And funny too. Lol. I think I’m in love allready2 for you or me at least I got to read your bio . I would.  Will write to you more.  Soon if you want me to…… I want to too. Lol. Have a great day ok. ..”

I guess I’ll wait for him to write again..

I Don’t Share.

13 Jan

Full Disclosure:  This blog post is likely going to offend someone out there.  If that’s you, and you want to clarify/discuss/yell at me –  It’s pretty easy to get in contact with me.

The other day, I came across a guy online dating who I really liked.  He was charming, witty and adorable.  We discussed boring first dates that we are both fed up with, our jobs and the first things we’d do when we win the lottery. Half way into our hour long discussion, he suggested that we meet up at some point and I was quick to agree that I was up for that.

We continued chatting, and I asked him how he could possibly be this amazing and single, besides?  Maybe I wouldn’t die alone with cats after all.

“Well.. I’m not exactly single.”

Ugh.  As it turns out, he and his girlfriend are poly-amorous.  (Meaning: They are both free to see and/or sleep with other people, no problem.)

I will be the first to admit that I do not understand that mindset in the slightest, so I asked some questions.  Most notably:  “Don’t you ever get jealous?”  which was answered with a “Not really, we have a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ arrangement.”

Ick.  Nothing feels right about this at all.   When he asked when I wanted to meet up, I told him that I didn’t want to anymore.  I think what angers me the most about this whole situation is that he then tried to pressure me.  I think I understand why he tried to pressure me into meeting – I would assume it’s much easier for her to find other partners than him.. I could be wrong.   I explained that no matter how this goes, it ends badly:

I could decide to adopt this philosophy temporarily (which, I could never..)  and the jealousy would immediately kick in.  “You got a promotion at work?  That’s great!  Does the other woman know?  You told her first? Oh..”  (I would not be able to do the “Don’t Ask” bit well..)  And at some point, I’d want to be married and have a husband who does not see other people.  Either I end up hurt because this would never be, or the current girlfriend gets hurt.

I could go against my gut and meet him for the sake of meeting him.  (This one is more realistic.) Given that I would never be a part of a poly-amorous relationship, what likely would happen is that we’d get along great and have good chemistry — and I’d end up hurt.  When I brought this one up, he tried to debunk my “feeling hurt” because he would feel hurt, also.  I reminded him that he would have loving arms to snuggle into.  (All I’d have are my imaginary cats.)

Here’s where I am probably going to tick some people off:     Dating is difficult.  It is not easy to find someone who you understands you and wants to be with you (and vice versa!)  Honestly, I find it insulting that there are people out there who find someone that they mesh well with, want to be with, and yet somehow think they are entitled to more.  What makes you so deserving of more love and affection?  (This goes for cheaters, as well.) They’ve just made more competition for those of us struggling to find just one person.   It’s also insulting to essentially be asked to be 2nd place in someone’s life (aside from children, of course.)

#$*!@^  Cats, here I come.

Plan B? More like Plan Fail.

1 Jan

“Plan b?”

“Lol. What?”

“Haha OK’s your night going”

“No no no.  You explain yourself.”  (I was curious to see how he plan-b’d to dig himself out of this..)

“Aight” (and then he listed his telephone number.)


“Ok I’ll try to explain.. it was a joke plan b is the morning after pill..”

“Yes, I am aware of that.”

“It was a joke proposition..”  (Duh.)


“Well now that were past that hows your night going”

“I don’t know.. Some guy just used Plan B as a joke to attempt to pick me up or something.”

“That guy sounds like a douche I hope you told him to beat it”

….Happy New Year, I guess.


I Have No Time For You.

3 Dec


I am going to be very honest.

I am doing a crazy finance internship at the moment, so i don’t have the time to go on dates  (or capitalize all of my ‘I’s), but I am attracted to you.

I love seeing a woman orgasm, and I want to see it on your face.  It makes me feel great and it is just really beautiful.

I know women need more time to get turn on than men do, so I am sorry i don’t have more of my time to give you. 

I love and respect women (do you?!) and I don’t judge them for enjoying sex as much or more than men. (My goodness, how kind!)

If you ever want my company just text me.  (Okay.. number?) I know there is a time each month when you cannot stop thinking about your need to be filled, and wished you had an attractive man to take care of you. (This guy= MIND READER.)  We can meet at your place, talk and flirt for some time and then have sex or not, depending on how you feel.  If you want to jump me right away I will still make you wait, that’s just more exciting for me. (But you love and respect women?)  We can also meet near your place to talk first if that makes you more comfortable.  (Ah.. there’s that respect he was talking about!)

If the chemistry between us is good and you want to see me again or get into a relationship, I am very open to the idea.  (“Keep in mind, I have no time for this.”??)  The more I get to know and like a girl, the more I enjoy making love to her and giving her orgasms.

Finally, you have no reason to be shy about the whole thing.  You are really not the first girl who wants to meet me after this message :) (I’ll bet you twenty dollars on that one, my friend..)

Sexual UserNames

27 Nov

I think we need to start a new online dating rule:   If your user name is something disgusting – you aren’t allowed to get mad if you get called out on it.

I’m not going to tell you what his username was, but I’d love to hear your guesses in the comments!

“if you are even half as sweet as you are gorgeous i would feel lucky to get to know you and go out with you”

“Aww.. Well, this may indicate my sweetness level:  I’m pretty disturbed by your user name.”

“I’m way more than a name”

“Right.  But you likely chose the name, which is the questionable part.”

“I did. and I’m not ashamed of it at all.”

“I wasn’t suggesting you had to be.  I’m just saying I’m disturbed by it.”

“Lmao that’s too fucking funny. You are so pathetic.  grow up lil kid”

“Now I’m too sweet.. go figure.”

“Every woman claims they are disturbed by it. But I’m sure its not disturbing when your cumming all over a guys face”

“Hmm.. I guess I wouldn’t know.”

“Really.  Is it something you don’t wanna try?  Obviously its ok if that’s the case.  just wondering.”

“It doesn’t sound appealing, but that’s probably because I’m a ‘lil kid’.”

“I was an asshole to say that.”

Kudos to him for trying to right the wrong, I guess.  Seriously, though, guys:  You don’t need to use something sexual as your user name, and you shouldn’t! Or at least if you do – be understanding that maybe not everyone is into the same kink you are.

Anyone have any cats to send me?

Interesting Approach..

17 Nov

On OKCupid,  it doesn’t take long to recognize people that visit your profile constantly.  This first message came from someone who, according to my visitor list, never looked at my profile. (Although, not possible since he would have had to in order to send a message.)

“Quit being a bitch.”

This message really caught me off guard.  My profile has always been well-received, and I don’t have the “Responds VERY Selectively” red light of death.

Since I certainly don’t consider myself a bitch, I responded, “Only if you quit being nice.”   (Get it?  Because he wasn’t being nice!)

And within eight hours, he deactivated his OKCupid profile.

This mystery remains unsolved.

Being Offensive on Tinder

8 Nov

I’m going to put on my psychologist hat for half a second, and presume that the boy that sent these messages really was looking forward to me flipping out on him.   I must have ruined his entire evening when I did not.

“Your first photo makes me one to crank one out into your mouth and all over your face.  Then have you make me a sandwich and I’ll eat it and go home.”

I really can’t imagine someone sends something like that and expects it to happen.  I decided to play along.

“That sounds like an excellent plan.  When works for you?”

“Actually just looked at your other pics and changed my mind!  I can send a couple black guys over to do it for me”

I don’t know if there was some hidden meaning in there I should have caught that should have been offensive towards me?  I was still going to play along and not go according to his plan of me freaking out.

“Even better!”

“Like anal?  You strike me as a girl who takes it in the servants entrance”

“Oh yeah, all the time.”

“Let them blow loads up your ass?”

“Why not?  ..But only on Wednesdays!”

..And then he gave up and blocked me.  Screen shots for the win!

What an asshole, though.  Some people don’t deserve clean air.


5 Nov

This morning while getting ready for work, my phone beeped that I had a new Tinder match, and not ten seconds later, that I had a new Tinder message.

“Let’s make out!”

Goodness.. it was 7AM.

“How does that work?  Do we lick our phone screens or something?”

“No we hang out and actuslly make out lol”

“Well, that won’t be possible, because I have work.”

“Ha ok after work lol”

“No can do, I have plans.”   (Yeah.. plans to blog about you..)

“I see. Quickie before work?”

“That’s also going to be a no.”

“Too bad.”

What did you do today, Dude?  “I tried to convince girls to make out with me all day on Tinder.”  GET A JOB!

Girls Strike Out, Too.

26 Oct

I often have a lot of men complaining to me that women never take the initiative and send the first message in online dating.   I’m not here to say that we should or shouldn’t, but if I find someone I think I might like –  I am not shy to send a message.  You really have nothing to lose but a few minutes, if that.

I found a profile of someone in the area, in my age range, who is attractive, seems fun and that he has his ducks in a row.. and he mentions his adoration for Phil Collins more than once.  (Which could very easily be sarcasm.. but if you list it once, it’s fair game in a message.)

I sent him a note.  I won’t post it because it would make his profile easily find-able.  I asked him about something Phil Collins that he referenced on his profile, and gave it a few days.  Clearly he would see that I’m his future bride.

Nothing.   So, I did what any sensible girl would do..  I sent one last attempt:

“How could I just let you walk away?  .. Just let you leave without a trace?”

It clearly wasn’t meant to be if he didn’t find that hilarious.  Oh well.


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