White Boys Online Dating

1 Sep

Apparently some guys never grow up.

“Are you a virgin?”

Believe it or not,  this is a 28 year old male, and not a 14 year old boy.

“Wow.  That is absolutely none of your business.”

“But I’m curious.”

“Still none of your business.”

“Ok bye”

If any guy out there would care to explain to me why many of you seem to be fascinated with that question, please leave a comment.  Does an answer to that even matter?

Not a week went by before I got another charming message:

“Do you like giving head”

“Does anyone ever answer your ridiculous questions?”

“Yeah.  Casual sex isn’t going to happen if no one asked That’s why it’s called casual”

“You are so sadly mistaken.”

“Shut up bye virgin”


Wait… when did “virgin” become an insult?  Or is it only an insult one uses if they are one?

And.. just because I can–   His profile is pretty bare..  it says he has a shaved head, and that he has been online dating way too long.  Oddly enough, the majority of words is found under the “Message Me If” section which reads:  “Message me if you think we have anything in common and if you are serious about meeting someone.”  

No Bitterness Detected

29 Aug

Kudos to @DatingMary who came across this profile, that shows absolutely no hint of bitterness or frustration whatsoever:

About Me:

I am looking for a woman who will:

- Turn down the radio when I am driving in traffic to tell me about your friend who always seems to date the same types of jerks because she’s an idiot

- Change the playoff game so that you can watch a rerun of Gossip Girl

- Ask a lot of questions during movies

- Ensure everyone understands how bad animal products are

- Leave her face on my pillow case when she goes home so it’s like she’s still there


Inquire within.  Thank you.  Management


If you are applying, please include the following obligatory pictures of you:

- Kissing a dolphin

- In the color race

- Skydiving

- With a statue or wax figure

- By the pool or on the beach taking a picture of your “legs and feet”

- In your car from an angle so it shows the backseat…. preferably with a child in the back

- Taking a selfie with your cleavage being front and center while your profile clearly states you will not respond to booty calls or “hey sexy”

Extra credit for pictures of your dogs and cats by themselves, bonus points if they are dressed up

Geez… trouble in paradise much?

Aside from not being in the same part of the world, I wouldn’t be a good match with him, because I only have one of his required photos (which I am now considering removing..)

I certainly hope he finds what he is looking for.  Be careful what you wish for, ya’ll!


Online Dating A.D.D.

26 Aug

The following messages come from a gentleman who, according to his profile, is an intellectual:

“Love your profile”


“Want to get coffee some timr”

“Based merely on that you love my profile?”

“Ya.  I think he is thinking because you look kind of sassy”

“Oh.  Is that what he thinks?”

“Ya. I think you need one;)”

“Need one what?”

“A spanking”

“Wow. That’s rude.”

“I’m sorry. Giovanno”


Ask Me Anything

18 Aug

I had the following interaction with a 25 year old from California.  If you have been paying attention, you are aware that California is pretty far away from me.

“Hi there how are you this evening

My name is [Name]

Would you like to talk and get to know each other

Ask me anything you would like to know about me

You look absolutely gorgeous BTW :)”


“Okay.  Question 1.  How many chicken nuggets can you fit in your mouth at one time?”

“Five. You?”   

(Wow.. that’s not impressive at all…)


“I have never attempted this.

Question 2.  What are your thoughts on the death of Elvis Presley? (Minimum 50 words)”


He neglected to respond to that one.. So much for ask me anything.

So – what have we learned?    That it’s totally acceptable to ask one how many chicken nuggets they can fit in their mouth.. but it’s still too soon to bring up the loss of the King of Rock and Roll.


Dirty Old Man

5 Aug

I’ve grown to expect gross messages from young hornballs, but it still boggles my mind when someone who could easily be my father based on age sends something disgusting..   Aren’t we supposed to mature with age?

Please guys, strive not to be the dirty old pervert.


“Do you ever just want to get laid good for a day or two?”

“Aren’t you old enough to now better than to ask such a thing to a lady?”

For those of you that didn’t catch that – my response should have indicated that I wasn’t amused and the conversation shouldn’t continue.

“You look like a girl that would like a good wild fuck.”

I understand that not many of you know who I am, or what I look like – but I assure you, I don’t come across that way at all – online or in the real life.

“Well, Pops.. Looks can be deceiving.”

“You’re awfully picky for a fat girl”

Haha!  Bash in a male’s ego and regardless of age, he’ll try to offend you by calling you fat.

“But only one of us really has a shot at getting laid by a stranger from the internet.. And spoiler alert:  It’s not you.”

“It ain’t you either weirdo”

“Lucky for me, that’s not what I’m looking for.   Anything else you care to try to offend me with?”

“Look at you wash your face little [conservative/liberal] piglet”
(In reference to [conservative/liberal] — Pick your favorite – I’m not getting into it on here..  This blog is politically neutral.)

“Well, that’s probably the most offensive so far, as not one fat ounce of me is [conservative/liberal].   Have a good rest of your life, Sir.”


Gentlemen – if nothing else, learn how to respect the “fairer” sex.  You’ll have much better luck all around.



My Favorite Position

23 Jul

I was starting to think for awhile that my blog had finally worked, and the world was free of stupid online dating messages..  But, apparently the weirdos were just on hiatus.

“What’s your favorite position?”

I know what you’re thinking.. He couldn’t possibly be asking what it sounded like.

“Hmm..  Well, I enjoyed my time in management.”   (CatLady Fun Fact:  I used to work in management.)


I gave him a little bit of time to be more clever than that.. but, when I realized that wasn’t going to happen:

“Oh!  I’m sorry.  I think I misunderstood your question.  My REAL answer is:  It’s a tie between Quarterback and Tight End.”  


Might I please express my strong dislike for stupid responses such as “LOL” and “LMAO”?   am trying to have a conversation here.

“I’m glad you’re amused.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you”


Weird…  Anger Font strikes again.   Oh well.   Next!





29 Jun

For those of you that got to hear my segment on Up And At “Em with Jack and Ben last week, you already know I received this as a first online dating message:

“Girl are you a tube of pillsbury cinnamon rolls because I want to bang you on the counter.”

I’ll give the guy this:  I laughed out loud..  loudly.

For those of you who I know are going to comment that I should date this guy…  I can’t.    The reasons are three-fold.

1)  He’s too young for me.

2)  He lives too far away.

and probably most importantly:

3)  He is way funnier than I am, and I am very distraught that I have been unable to craft an equally hilarious response.





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