I’ve Been Waiting My Whole Life For You!

1 Feb

Timehop reminded me today that a year ago, before Tinder limited your likes and charged you by age, that I was swiping right for everyone.  Because I am both a confident woman, and perhaps insane, I greeted my matches with “I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”    (Hey.. you never know!  I kind of wish I had the guts to do this in person!)

The responses (at least for the first day that Timehop has shown me) are pretty funny:

*

“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“Ha u will need to wait longer”

“I like every profile”

Be real”

*

“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“Wow.  Hahahaha.  I feel like you should get something better than me if you waited so long.”

*

“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“And I you.  Welcome to destiny!”

*

“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“I think you are the first girl to message me there must be something wrong with you.”

*

“There you are! I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“How does it feel to find me?”

“There’s a huge weight lifted off my shoulders!”

“What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to Disney World!”

“Or my apartment.  It’s been called Disney world before.”

*

“I’ve been waiting my entire life for you!”

“Wow that’s really good luck then!”

*

“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“Soo you love me?”

“No.”

“Let’s bang.”

*

“It’s you! I’ve been waiting my entire life for you!”

“If I had a nickel..”

“Then you’d have a nickel?”

*

“I’ve been waiting my entire life for you!”

“hope i don’t disappoint.  (914)###-####”

*

“There you are! I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“Boobs?”

“Oh, you have boobs?  Nevermind.”

*

“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“Hahaa hard line to follow.. but yes ma’am, at your servicce.  When can I start?”

“Right now.”

“Lay it on me honey toast.”

*

New Podcast: We’re Not Together

6 Jan

togetherlogo

I have this friend Ben. Everyone thinks I’m dating Ben, but I’m not. Except we kind of are. Is platonic dating a thing? It’s complicated.

To better explain why we’re not together, Ben and I started a new podcast called “We’re Not Together”. Here’s episode one.

DOWNLOAD WE’RE NOT TOGETHER

Please subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and follow the show’s Twitter account @TogetherShow.

Tips to Maximize Your Online Dating Experience

3 Jan

I’ve been told that the best time to online date is the first couple weeks in January.  This makes sense, of course:  New Years Resolutions.  Often times, we singletons pledge to work harder to fall in love.   After that first few weeks of the new year, most newbies are scared away.  (I would assume this is either due to crazy messages, or no messages.)

But, behold:  The ‘girl who’s probably going to die alone with cats’ tips to maximize your experience!

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Punctuation Implied

26 Dec

While I am sorry in advance for what you’re about to read, please know that I wouldn’t put you through this if I didn’t think it was worth it.

“Hey I am Chris you have a great smile I love your hair very pretty eyes cute face I am 29 as of dec 4th I have 2 cats im athletic 6ft 1 I love the outdoors I have my own apartment honesty trust and loyalty are important to me when it comes to friendship or relationship sorry im a little shy because of what happened the last time i was on this site but anyways I hope your having a wonderful day and weekend if I knew where you were I would send you flowers on a silver platter with a special note (Would the special note have punctuation?  If so, I might take you up on that.)  but for now id love to be your friend and get to know you and provide you with a great guy in your life for a change (Uhh, excuse me.. All of the guys in my life are great.  How dare you?!)  even if we never become more than just friends I will be the best friend I can be and someone you can turn to for help or if your feeling down well I hope you get this ad I hope to hear from you soon :)”

“Goodness.  What happened last time?”

Yes, that is what I got from that hot mess of a message.

“you stopped replying for some reason im excited to get to know you better so whats your number so we can text and I will end you some pics as well ??”

Oh my God, he knows what a question mark is!!

“I’m confused, we’ve never messaged before.”

“thought you did why did you ask what happened before then?”

“You said you were shy because of what happened last time you were on this site.  Haven’t you read your form letter in awhile?”

“oh yes I dated this girl on here for 3 months until she was comfortable enough to tell me where she lived once I found out I decided to show up to her house one day without her knowing to surprise her so I go to her house and knock on the door and a guy answered so i said hey can you get your sister for me tell her her boyfriend is here apparently he was dating her and she didn’t tell me she also didn’t tell him about me so he said yeah holdon i heard arguing and after a bit he opened the door and stabbed me and told me to stay away from his gf so ever sence then ive bee skeptical about this site and the girls that use it”

For those that read better with punctuation:   He chatted with a girl online for 3 months, and then showed up to her place unannounced. He thought her boyfriend, who answered the door, was her brother, and then was allegedly stabbed.  He is now skeptical of online dating.

“Wow.  That’s… something.  Sorry to hear that.”

I mean, what do you even say to that?   I’m sure that he didn’t want to hear that I thought he was the psycho for showing up to her place.

“oh its ok your not a killer are you lol jk”

“You never can tell these days.”

“true now that we are this far what are you looking for we can be friends but meeting you would be important to me?”

“I would not be comfortable with that.”

“ok so whats your number so i can text you?”

“I’m not giving you my number.”

“you mean not yet?”

I can say with confidence that I mean not ever.  I’d rather take a boatload of cats.

Don’t Do Lunch!!

13 Nov

Cat Sushi

When it comes to your first in-person meet-up, learn from my mistakes and DO NOT GO TO LUNCH.  (Or dinner.)  You really don’t know if you will have good chemistry with someone, and eating a meal is a big awkward event if you don’t click, or they’re weird.  I don’t know why I continue to make this same mistake over and over, but – I’m a sucker for sushi.  So, when Charming Tinder Fellow suggested we meet for a sushi lunch date, I broke my rule.

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“Your Mother Will LOVE Me!”

2 Nov

I’d advise being a little skeptical when a man’s dating profile says that he’s a gentleman more than once, and that your mother will love him.

“you look adorable.  iid love to talk sometime”

I don’t know why I bothered.

“About what?”

“anything,  you.. what you like to do for fun, etc  im curious  to know more”

Everyone knows by now that I HATE the “what do you like to do for fun?” question.  This was also sent at a bad time, so I did honestly forget to respond.. but, I wasn’t interested anyway.   He followed up a few days later with a question mark.

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Can’t Win For Losing

14 Sep

i quit

I think we all know by now that I take online dating with a grain of salt, and I certainly believe you should do the same.  Don’t set any expectations, and therefore you won’t be disappointed.

As all my single friends know, Tinder is an interesting beast (and seriously, don’t pay for it!)  in that most people you match with on Tinder never send a message.  What is that about?!  I’ve indirectly told you I find you nice to look at- you have nothing to lose!

About a week ago, I matched with a really attractive guy – and he sent a message!

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Ashley Madison Hack

21 Aug

AshMadAffair

Gentlemen of the world, I really hope that statistic isn’t true.  (And we know that the “100% Secure – Completely Anonymous” part is now B.S.)

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, by now you probably know that AshleyMadison.com, the website that encourages “Life is short. Have an affair.” was hacked and millions of user’s information has been leaked to the world wide web.

I wanted to share some words, thoughts, and some rules, for this whole ordeal..

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Tasty Pussy

8 Jul

photolibrary_rm_photo_of_cat_licking_chops

I feel bad for any future sons that I may have.  I’m pretty sure “Mama CatLady” is going to sit down with them after high school graduation and discuss what is appropriate and not appropriate to discuss with complete strangers.  I think it’s safe to assume that this 27 year old’s mother (and many other mothers out there..) never did that:

“I bet you have a tasty pussy.”

There were oh-so many places I could go with this..

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I Don’t Want to Brag..

6 Jul

“Helloo,

my name is David. im living in memomenie.  (I’m pretty sure that’s not what it’s called..)

well i have read your profile and watch your photos. (Oh geez, David!  I hope it didn’t take you too long to watch them.  They don’t move, or anything.)

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