The Man Who Knows Everything

3 Mar

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. (I’m warning you now, this isn’t safe for work.)

Hinge’s ads on Hulu sucked me back in. They’re the “dating app designed to be deleted” and they aren’t the worst of all the apps, so I, for what feels like the 70 billionth time, made a new account. I decided I would take a passive approach this time around. I don’t want to swipe for hours on end, so if someone “likes” something on my profile, I will check them out.

Enter an attractive 37 year old. He liked one of my photos, allegedly went to Harvard, was dressed very snazzily (I know that’s not a word.. it is now!) in all of his photos, and his two truths and a lie section caught my attention. One of this potentially true or false statements was “I wrote off my school supplies as a tax deduction when I was in 8th grade.” I was intrigued, and figured there had to be a story there. I accepted the match.

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Five Things He Prefers

23 Mar

It’s usually bad news when an opening message comes in shortly after midnight.  I happened to be awake yet, so I opened the OKCupid app and read this message.

“What’s up”

Sigh…  I decided this didn’t warrant a response so late at night/early in the morning.  He must pay extra to see when someone reads his message, because about 2 minutes later, another message rolled in.

“I’m very attracted and interested in you”

“I’m half asleep so we will have to chat tomorrow.”

“Ok…me too”

He did wait till “tomorrow”- but his next message came in shortly after midnight again.

“You look fun”

I need to inform you that this guy has ONE WORD on his profile.  “Passionate.”  Which, of course, could mean nearly anything.  I was willing to talk to him, but really wanted some more information before deciding if I was interested in him.   I waited 12 hours and responded midday.

“I think I’m fun.  It might be best to tell me more about you, though.”

“I’m not exactly sure what I’m looking for, but there are 5 things I prefer…”

I assumed another message was forthcoming.. so I waited.  (Actually, I assumed he wanted me to press for more information.  I didn’t because that wasn’t my request.)   It came through at 9:15pm.

“Hello?”

“You didn’t finish your sentence.”

“1. A confident woman

2. Active lifestyle (not skinny…not obese)

3. Pubic hair visible (not completely shaved)

4. Great conversation (intelligent)

5. High sex drive

Keep in mind they are JUST preferences…are you any of them or all 5?”

Hahaha! I got so much more than I bargained for in asking for more information about him!  I love that he prefers intelligent conversation – much like the one we were CLEARLY having.

“Wow.”

“Just preferences….not a checklist or anything. And there are valid reasons for each one”

“Are you any or all?”

It does fascinate me how people are comfortable saying things online that they would NEVER say to my face in public.  I didn’t ask him what he’s looking for, and only two of his preferences are worthy of discussion with a complete stranger.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business.”

“Really? Why not? Are you insecure? It’s just pubic hair….nbd”

“I trim everything very short”

“Because you are a complete stranger and it’s none of your business.  I’m not insecure at all; I just don’t feel like this is necessary conversation.”

“Yikes.  Guess you’re no fun.  Up tight”

“Glad I know now.. you looked happy and fun”

“Such a downer and grouch”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!   Try to manipulate much?

“I’m actually laughing and sharing this with my girlfriends.  And you’ll star in my book!  Keep talking!”

I was texting screenshots to some friends, who badly wanted me to mess with him and send him a list of my own.  (My list of 5 preferences is pretty good, perhaps I shall blog about it sometime soon.)

“You’re maybe too fat for me anyway…”

“Have a good night”

“Peace out, Home Slice!”

“Average build?”

“Stop lying. Ain’t nothing average about your size.  You’re overweight”

“Cool.  Whatever.”

He did send one final message, that I sadly was unable to read as he then immediately blocked me.   But I bet it said something like “Wow, I just realized how terrible of a human being I am, and I shouldn’t be online dating.  I’m going to cancel my account, best of luck to you!”

I do wonder why some men are quick to rush to the “you’re fat anyway” angle.  When there was a chance I was going to play along and tell him about my pubic hair and sex drive, I wasn’t fat then.  And his messages came through so fast, it’s not like he was studying my profile and then made this soul-searching decision.  It was an attempt to make me feel bad, which he was unsuccessful at.

I can only hope that someday I see him in the wild, when he’s out with a bunch of friends.  I would love nothing more than to verify his first name, and then say, “Right!  You’re the guy I talked to on OKCupid who asked me about my pubic hair, and when I wouldn’t answer, you called me fat!”  I mean – he did say he prefers confidence, right?!  😉

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CatLady’s Blind Date Rules

11 Oct

A friend of mine told me that I suck at online dating, and decided to take matters into her own hands.  While I would argue that online dating is the thing that sucks, she wasn’t exactly wrong.  I wasn’t getting anywhere, regardless of where the fault lies.  So, she is setting me up on a blind date.  (You can hear all about it here.)

She’s quite lucky that I find her trustworthy, as she provided next to no details regarding this mystery suitor before setting up the date.  Since this probably wouldn’t fly with many others, I decided it best to list out some ground rules if you want to set up a friend on a blind date.

  1.  Have a describable reason why you think the pair would make a good match, and tell them what that is.  (Or if the reason is just that both parties are single, at least disclose that so there isn’t as much undue pressure.)
  2. Be forthcoming with information.  Committing to a dinner with a complete stranger is intimidating.  Give both parties some basic information about the other (i.e. job, interests, etc.) so that they have somewhere to start in a conversation.
  3. Give them an easy way to identify one another.  In this instance, my friend suggested that I wear a croissant.  (She meant corsage, but said croissant.)  I plan on doing just that and let my blind date know via text.  He said he would wear an English muffin. (This may actually work out.)
  4. If either party seems uncomfortable with the blind date scenario, offer to double date!  Let them set you up, or bring a date of your own.  Dating can be a little more comfortable in groups, especially if both parties know someone else in attendance.
  5. Don’t show up at the restaurant to spy on the date.  (I have a gut feeling this may happen.)
  6. Let the date attendees reach out to you when they are ready to tell you how it went.  Basically:  Set it up, and then forget about it until your friends reach out.
  7. You’re not allowed to be offended, or push for a second date, if either party decides they are not interested (before OR after the date.)  People who have been attached for a long time forget the bad memories of their dating life, and tend to only remember the fun of it.

 

Have you been on a blind date before?  How did it go?  What rules should I add to my list?  I’d love to hear your stories and ideas in the comments!

 

 

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Green Card Husband?

5 Apr

The online dating weirdos just follow me wherever I go.  I can’t escape them!  The latest comes from a Facebook message from Jamshed,  who’s location keeps changing.  At the time I am writing this, he’s from Mumbai.  I also believe that he doesn’t understand the concept of time difference because I received a message from him at 11pm in the evening:

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It also had my name on it, so I guess bonus points for a little bit of effort?  I don’t believe for one moment that this photo is actually of Jamshed, but notice the gentleman in the photo, if you will.  He’s wearing a wedding ring.

“What would your wife think, Jamshed?”

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It Finally Happened!!

12 Jun

 

Although I have been on an online dating hiatus this year, I have considered myself an online dater for 6.5 years now.  If this isn’t your first time here, you’ve read the highlights.  I have always expected a specific something to happen, but much to my surprise, it never did.  I must say that I am a bit surprised that I had to take a break from online dating sites for this momentous occasion to arise, but it FINALLY happened!   Let me tell you the story; it’s pretty awesome.

It had been a really frustrating week.  People had been getting in my head, and I realized I had forgotten all about the dog’s insanely expensive heartworm meds.  The icing on the cake was having a tent and racks of clothes collapse on me at a festival.  I was defeated.

I changed into comfy clothes, and logged onto my personal Facebook page.  I had a notification of a message request. (If someone not connected to you on Facebook sends a message- it doesn’t let it through until you accept.)  The message said “Hi” and I accepted the message:

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Shirtless Bathroom Selfie

9 Dec

Based on the title, it should be no surprise to you that today’s interaction is with a shirtless bathroom selfie dude.

“Hello there :)”

“Where’s your shirt?!”

 

He really should be lucky that I responded at all.  I don’t often waste my time with ‘hello’ messages.

 

“I know right lol but how are you”

“That didn’t answer my question!”

“Fuck your question if you like it move along basic ass female”

 

Well, that made no sense… Nevertheless, I’m sure Mom is so proud.

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Word Vomit?

6 Dec

I talked about this exchange a little bit on my weekly dating podcast, “Nothing In Common.”   If you aren’t subscribed to that, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE!?

Anyway – sometimes guys will send messages without the intent of pursuit?  I don’t get it!

“Love the username”

He was correct in sending that, my OkCupid username is pretty epic.  (It indicates that I am going to die alone with cats.)

“Thanks.  I do too.”

“Mine should be toointensePeopleThinkHesFaking”

“I don’t get it.”

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Scaring Them Straight!

20 Oct

prisonmike

As a woman on the internet, I get a lot of messages that are very complimentary towards me.  Sometimes I “have an awesome profile” and other times I’m “gorgeous.”  I always feel it necessary to send, at very least, a thank you.  It’s nice when someone goes out of their way to compliment you.

“You’re gorgeous”

“Aww, thank you!”

“You’re welcome. :-)”

 

We very well could have ended our conversation here.  That was certainly my intent.  But, something inspired him to write again:

“I wish I could bury my face between your legs”

 

WHY DO MEN FIND THIS ACCEPTABLE TO SEND TO A WOMAN!?!?!?!?  I assume the mindset is “I’d love it if a woman told me she wanted to spend some time between my legs.”   Most of us females don’t find that a turn-on from a complete stranger.  (Or even not complete strangers.)  I’m going to encourage you NOT to send that type of message to someone on the internet.

I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to this.  I could have ignored it, but then the blog wouldn’t be as entertaining.

“I have a court order against using men’s heads as a thigh master.  I’m NOT going back to prison!”

“Lmao”

“Love the humor though”

 

All I can think of now is Prison Mike, from “The Office.”

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Excessive Messaging

7 Oct

I have all my online dating apps on my phone these days.  I know I could probably adjust my settings, but as it stands right now, my phone beeps every time I get a new message on any of these sites.  I need to know if my future husband has finally found me!

One of my biggest pet peeves in online dating is excessive messaging.  Give me a chance to read your message, process it, and possibly respond!

“If I could be king I’d take you as my queen”

“Okay, Eric Clapton.”

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Making Decisions For Others

25 Aug

If you follow me on Twitter, or listen to any of my podcasts – you likely know I’ve been busy with relatives from overseas.  But, online dating doesn’t wait around if you have family visiting, so I decided the blog shouldn’t wait either!

First and most importantly – DatingAdvice.com wrote up probably the nicest thing anyone has ever written about me.  They are a website dedicated to all topics regarding dating and relationships, and I’d highly recommend checking them out.  (Especially what they wrote about me!  http://www.datingadvice.com/online-dating/soon2becatlady-hilarious-online-dating-blog  — and ESPECIALLY before reading the following online dating interaction.  I enjoy proof in the pudding that I honestly think online dating is fun, and I’m really not pessimistic about it.  Don’t let the lines on the screen fool you!!)

My message for you today is DON’T MAKE DECISIONS FOR PEOPLE YOU DON’T KNOW!

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